I consider myself to be down for the cause – those causes being Supporting the Sisterhood, Uplifiting the Race, Repping for BougieFam, Promoting the Bouge, Being a Friend to the End, Eradicating Breast Cancer - okay, I have quite a few causes. That being said… I'm fairly loyal to causes and people that I believe in. But there are very few people who get a blind 'you jump/I jump' unconditional pass from me. Why? Because folks don't know how to act. I'm a supportive person but I'm not co-signing on tomfoolery unless we are ride-or-die like that. I think that's reasonable. In the past week, however; I've been called a two-faced hypocritical race traitor and a "part-time sister". Well, Le Ouch.
I'll start with my lack of sisterhood solidarity. I believe I've talked to you about my friends Chad & Rose who have been in an on again off again battle to save their marriage. I met Rose first but became close friends with both of them. It's been difficult to remain the neutral party but so far I have managed… until last week. Last week, Rose decided she'd had enough. While Chad was away on a business trip, she changed the garage door, the locks, the alarm code and packed up all his stuff. And that's not the worst of it. She invited a date (yes, I typed date) over to the house for the time period she KNEW Chad would be coming home. So not only did he come home to find he couldn't get into his house, he had to ring the doorbell and walk in on his wife cooking food for another man. And he had to get his bags and walk BACK through the house he pays for while some other dude sat watching.
So they both called me with their versions of the story. I wondered if Rose's actions were retaliation for something off the wall Chad had done. In both versions of the story, Chad hadn't done anything except continue to try and make the marriage work. It wasn't working, I get that. She wanted him gone, I get that. But I didn't agree with her methods. Lock changing was enough. Having a new man up in his house when papers aren't signed yet… I couldn't co-sign. She accused me of taking sides. Said I should agree with her because we are girls. Um, but you're wrong and you hurt my friend? You tell me, BougieLand – was I wrong?
Next up was the shibacle about Steve Freakin' Harvey last week. I stated on Twitter that I was confused by what his qualifications were to be a relationship consultant/expert/whatever he's billing himself as now. Last I checked he was a comedian and radio host. I was called a jealous hater who only said I supported black authors but didn't practice what I preached. Le Aargh! Let me go ahead and wave away my loathing to title him a "Black Author" because that's a discussion for another day. I bought his book "Act Like a Lady, Think Like A Man" – that's support. I read it and called bullshiggity – that's my option. I just can't co-sign on relationship advice that points fingers at one side without addressing the other.
The impetus for my original comments was a panel coming soon to Nightline in which Jimi Izrael, Steve Harvey and Hill Harper face off against Sherri Sheppard and Jacque Reid on why successful sisters are man-less. (Insert disgusted exhausted sigh here) I love Hill Harper and appreciate his approach (plus he reps for the bougie set). But yes, I questioned the qualifications of Jimi and Steve (with six marriages between the two of them) and yes, I may have commented on Steve's propensity to wear zoot suits. (sue me, I can see) At this point, I was also told that I had the same hustle and didn't I consider myself a relationship expert? BougieLand?! Have I EVER professed to be a relationship expert? Have I not, in fact, added NUMEROUS disclaimers swearing NOT to be? And how is my work of fiction akin to re-hashing clichés under the guise of giving women (who are already over-advised) advice? Ya'll are my friends, right? Please tell me if I've gone hypocritical on this one.
Short rant: I'm a woman who supports women being able to do what they want, when they want. That doesn't mean I get behind the new trend of Mistresses and Groupies on Parade, bragging about their activities, getting paid to tell how they bounced up and down on inappropriate (often married) men. As a matter of fact, I hate it. I hate that skanks and pimps are now some sort of heroes. Own your sexuality, yes. Capitalize on it, er- maybe. Flaunt your sexual buckwildness for all to see? Sell it to the highest biller? No ma'am, no sir. Keep that between you and yours.
I also have issue with co-signing on so-called experts capitalizing on this Poor Single Black Women trend that is all the rage. If I put a book out called Why Black Women Who Buy $400 Shoes and Eat $5 Ice Cream Sleep Alone, I'd be a gazillionaire. No, I won't be signing up for Steve Harvey's online dating service. And no, I don't even respect the hustle.
Woo-sah. Relax, relate, and release. The essence of OneCheleness is that I call 'em as I see 'em. I will generally back your play until you ride off the rails and then I gotta call you out. Feel free to do the same. Nuff said.
Thoughts, comments, similar experiences? The floor is yours…
52 comments:
High Five brother. Chad needed to bring Po-Po to house with him announcing "Ya'll get her or I will"
Steve Harvey: I'll borrow from AB here. He saw that after Mac died that the Kings was done so he re-invented himself. Grand Hustle-style! He likes it, Jimmy crack corn and I don't care.
As for the couple. Chad needs to give up the ghost. Rigor mortis has set in. I can say ret (right for the Southern slang challenged) now if I hadn't been able to walk in my own house, had to ring the bell, and see some strange reggin IN MY HOUSE... I would have pre-emptively called 911 cause it's gon be consequences and repercussions. I don't even play that.
I shouldn't have asked. Sounds like a prince!
Excuse Me, Ma'am? Where's the story about your four-day Hawaii run when no one could find you? Tahoe trip? Your birthday in Vegas round about 20oo?! The infamous cigar bar party with the 49ers... need I go on?
Stay strong brother. You are in the rainy season but sunlight is coming. <<< spoken like a man divorced for 12 months, now free and in possession of his testicles.
Not so fast. We feel that Chad should stay. Seems he has OneChele scoopage. Do share! I smell DIRT!
Oh and let me add apology for the misplacement of your balls?!
Nope, thanks for asking 'cause I was wondering the same thing...definitely taking what he says with a grain of salt...
I like Steve's radio show because I don't expect a damn thing from it.
Rose need a bitch-slap (sorry Chad!).
And I quit Twitter for all the self-righteous so-called knowitalls yacking about shit they knew nuttin' 'bout.
Whew - I feel better now.
Since OChizzle already had you on blast - what possessed you to stay in the house that long anyway? After ya'lls last - why are we even together thing you should have been duffle-bagged and OUT. IMHO.
nice post. nothing to disagree with.
BTW, nice rant.
Mornin' Chele! I totally understand where you're coming from. Since when has it been a crime to express opinions? Being a member of Twitter Nation has really opened my eyes to the multitude of seemingly outlandish thoughts (including a couple of my own...that's a shocker..lol) that flood the timeline, but then again, everyone is entitled to their own opinion. I've become a retweet snob for this reason. Disagreeing or not supporting so-called popular opinion should not be shunned, we need more opposing views otherwise we'll become a world of mindless bots.
When it comes to personal relationships, that's always a fine line to tread. My girls taught me that being a sounding board is one thing, but without their being loving enough to point out when I'm at fault would be detrimental to me in the long run.
I thought I was the only one who felt that way about Steve Harvey - so called expert.
Good morning! So, I TOTALLY agree with you in the first situation...Your girl was SO wrong for having another man in the house. That's the ultimate form of disrespect for one mate to have another person in a place where he/she knows the other person will be, ESPECIALLY their home. I am currently going through a similar situation. Long story short, I met boy, hung out with boy, come to find out boy isn't interested in me. Yes, my feelings were hurt, but I moved on. One friend told me how I was responsible for some of the things that happened; I should own it, accept it, and move on, and he hasn't taken my side just because we're friends. I have another friend who is my "ride or die girl" and has my back, but is still salty about ol' boy, even after I told her I'm past and she should get past it, too. She'll see the light eventually...I hope. I didn't see your tweet (maybe I should start following you on Twitter), but I do agree with the statement "What makes Steve Harvey a relationship expert?" I have the book, learned some things from it, but have not committed to putting all things into practice. I'll end with this, which happens to be one of my personal mottos-if 100% of the people like what you do 100% of the time you're doing something wrong. (meaning not everyone is going to like what you're doing all of the time) We're all entitled to our opinions, and isn't it wonderful that not all of us think alike??? That's why we live in a diverse world.
Girl, please. You ain't gots to support foolishness. It's your world over here in Bougieland.
As for me, Jacque Reid can sit her ass down after begging for man chowder so she can have a baby in case she doesn't get married in time and pushing a dog in a stroller on that Pepa show. I cannot understand how you go from interviewing presidents to doing that.
No comment on Sherri Shepherd.
I've met Hill Harper and I like him and his message. But...why isn't *he*married? He's 40- or 50-some years old. I can't imagine in all those years he hasn't found ONE WOMAN he could marry. Jimi I've talked to twice, recently, and um, no. Steve Harvey? No ma'am.
I'm not saying people have to be perfect to offer up advice, but I need to respect you. One divorce? OK, you were young, chose badly. Two divorces? Didn't you learn anything the first time? How can you tell me how to make a relationship work if you have bailed on TWO marriages?! Is that your advice, walk away when ish gets bad?
Yep, plant the seeds and if they're meant to grow they will flourish as a revelation to the other person.
You're right, folks always want a co-signer. It's not easy to go against the grain, but sometimes it's the only way to handle things.
The other thing that kills me about Steve (and Jimi, but I only know what Jimi says on a superficial level -- mostly because what I have read from him made me cringe so much I couldn't dig too much deeper) is how he preaches his view on things as if it is THE only way and as if anyone who thinks differently is a FOOL.
First off, sir, you just came to a lot of those realizations yourself. And while it's always nice to get a man's opinion on what women might do to make themselves more "appealing" can you holla at your brothers real quick? I mean, let's not act like they got it all together either.
@Phyllis: I can't even listen to him on the radio because he talks as if he is trying to communicate with the deaf, and his lips get in the way of what he's trying to say. Way too country for me, I guess...
I think we give folks the benefit of the doubt until they mess that up royally and then we're like - I'm done son. Done all I can do for ya.
You haven't lived until you have a sister whip the book out mid-date, open to page whatever-the-hell and quote. At me. The man who was paying for dinner and thought he was into you. Eff a Steve Harvey - jacking up good relationships since 19-whenever.
Tell your boy Chad to stay up.
I've never been a fan of Steve Harvey, so I'll just co-sign on all the other comments that have been made about him and his hustle as a "relationship expert".
But I will say something about your female friend ~ she is a very lucky woman. It's immature and stupid stunts like that that turn domestic situations deadly violent! While I don't condone any man laying his hand on a woman, there are times when women really push the envelope. Your friend needs to be aware that "karma/reaping what you sow" is indeed very real.
Amen Rob, amen!
Okay?! 1) Cosign on the fruit suit - does that make you seem more or less credible?
2) I guarantee if Rose walked in on Chad like that, all hell would have broken lose
This right here: We're all entitled to our opinions, and isn't it wonderful that not all of us think alike??? That's displaying insight... I'm not sure all of that is allowed. LOL! ;-)
Where to begin. Having an opinion doesn't make you a hater. I've managed to ignore the whole Steve Harvey relationship advice thing. I haven't gotten the impression you are billing yourself as a relationship expert. It is a confusing, complicated and messy world and people want and need to hear about the experiences of others. It has helped me to put my own experiences in perspective reading your blog posts and the comments by others. That is just a fact.
What your friend did with changing the locks, packing the stuff, and having the date over? It's mean and spiteful. Unless the man is violent or there is a fear of violence, there is no reason for changing the locks. And having another man over when he came home... I can't even say what I think about that. If you and she are good friends, then it is right that you should tell her this is bad news. I can't say I believe in the whole karma business any more, but this sort of behavior is just asking fate to give her a swift kick.
I read Steve's book he had two points I hadn't thought of, the rest was nothing I hadn't heard before. That's a fail of $17 spending. Please say you are not serious about him having a dating site?!
For the record, I'll be making T-shirts that say "I Ain't Gots to Support Foolishness" - LOL
I used to listen to him when I was in LA doing an hour commute to work but I soon realized most of his show was about Steve. He brought everything back around to him. I hate that whole "Look at me, Look at me" vibe.
As far as Chad & Rose go, she was as wrong as two left shoes. It's tempting to side with our girls, but I'm a believer in standing on the side of right, regardless of whom else is standing there with me.
I saw Sherri Shepherd happily tweeting about the townhall a few weeks ago & I commented that the panel was laughable. Her response to me by DM? "well that's what I do... make people laugh. So I'm good". I was so blown away by the fact that she didn't comprehend what laughable meant and that she had DM'd me, that I couldn't even respond.
With this panel you have Jimi, who for all his talk is a hater of all women based on his two failed marriages; Sherri, who still hasn't divorced the husband that cheated on her while she was pregnant with her son; Jacqui, who, as someone else mentioned was chasing men down on "Let's Talk About Pep" for a little joy juice to fertilize her eggs; and Hill (no shade, but I think he's "howUdoin").
And then there's Steve. Can we really blame him for riding this until the wheels fall off? Think about it. People write into his show for help and he and Shirley dispense advice. Now when I hear his advice, I'm listening to it for the comedic value and nothing else. But there are people out there that take what he says as the golden rule. They come back and tell him, oh Steve, you sure were right. Enough women told him that and he put a book together because if all of those women believed he was right, he must be. Then his book comes out and women rush to buy it. (Side note: A friend gave me a copy & I passed it on to someone that really wanted it. Since I hadn't cracked the spine in the 5 months that it laid on my couch, I gladly passed it on). He goes on Oprah and she lauds him as the next great thing. Good Morning America sees his books sales & offers him a spot. Do you really think he, or any other person that could benefit from this subject, would really pass up the opportunity to make the kind of money he's pulling in from this?
Welp... now my blood pressure's up.
To the first case, no you're not wrong, but that story highlights exactly why it's hard to be friends with two folks in a relationship. It is THE reason I don't EVER hook up a friend with a friend and if 2 friends start dating, we all have a chat about how I don't pick sides and I'm not playing. It sucks to be in the middle when you didn't ask for it and I know from experience that you sometimes end up there no matter what you do. Folks always want a co-signer...
On the second... each and every person who tried to suggest you're jealous/a hater/hypocritical can GTFOHWTHBS emejutley. I'm not even saying that cause you're one of my fav people, either. I'm saying that cause when it comes to Steve Harvey and Jimi Izrael ESPECIALLY everybody can STFU. They grind my gears like no other. NO OTHER. What in the HAYELL makes them any more experts on relationships than me, or you, or the bum outside my office? Mannnn... (woosah) It's cool if you like Steve's advice, or Jimi's advice (bless your heart, but it's fine all the same), but I'll be daggone if you get to suggest that I too should like it and if I don't I'm a hater.
I don't know why I gotta co-sign everything black people do just because they're black. Some black people do stupid stuff and I am NOT co-signing it. I'm just not. Doesn't make me a hater, it makes me someone who VALUES what I attach a "me too" on.
I can count on one hand the number of people I'm ride-or-die for. I'll probably only need half my fingers, too. You ride-or-die with too many folks, and you'll get messed up. Not to mention, some of those same people won't know your name in a pinch. Uh-uh...Ashley ain't going out like that. No, no, no.
I always ask -- Why do I have to support what you're doing for you to do it? 9 times out of 10 when folks want me to co-sign some foolishness, it's cause they know it's foolishness and they're hoping I'll ignore it. No. No I will not.
Let me stop, because I'm rambling at this point... but goodness I hate this. I HATE THIS.
She is lucky she was with Chad and not a brotha like Grown!
My girl Fungke Blak Chik breaks him down: http://www.fungkeblakchik.com/2010/02/23/according-to-jimi-izrael-black-women-are-to-blame-the-denzel-principle-review/
Just last night I was thinking about how often I see something in my timeline and think "when did I start following THAT person?" But you know, I like seeing views other than my own (most of the time -- some ignorance/difference of opinion I shall not read regularly). Keeps me on my toes about why I think what I think.
And on your friend point, *hi-five*! I NEED people to say "Ay, you effin up." There are some I take it better from than others, but if all you're ever doing is co-signing, I'ma be in a world of trouble. And I try to remind some of my friends that, despite what they believe right now, this is why they keep me around. Because I'm going to be realistic and I won't always tell them what they want to hear.
I felt totally validated once when a friend of mine came to me after a convo we'd had and thanked me for disagreeing. She said, "at the time, I thought you were just hating, but when I thought about it, I realized you were right." *jackpot*!
Kudos to Steve for making it rain on himself.
It's those people who believe him to be preaching about the grace of Jesus amidst some faux dating-Apocolypse (read: folks who believe that if you don't follow him to the letter, you're screwed) that are annoying me.
Do you Steve, but can er'body else hush up on all that "you're hating if you don't like him" b.s.?
There is a lot to respond to here. Let's take it one by one...
You were absolutely right to check your gurl. What she did was not only wrong but potentially dangerous. I will grant that she thinks she knows her man and what he is capable of but that situation had murder-murder-suicide written all over it. You never know what will happen when you push someone's buttons like that. There is no way that could end well #FAIL.
As for "relationship experts" if you build it they will come. Ever notice most if not all relationship advice is directed toward women? We are talking about a billion dollar business here. The truth is no one has the answers but plenty of women will by books, magazines, radio shows and whatever else as though the silver bullet is enclosed. I say don't hate the player, hate the game...
As for mistresses on parade, I have 3 words. GO SIT DOWN!
you know - I bought Steve's book because - well - the women I talked to RAVED about it. SO before passing judgment, I decided to see for myself. First, the premise is craptastic. Everybody from TD Jakes and the Amen corner to Steve's corny pimp-wannabe friend Big Rump (or whatever his name is) has so much advice for single women that is is beyond absurd. These guys are shucksters wearing big shiny-assed fruit-colored suits wh0 have been through more women than they can shake a stick at! They have fallen into the trap of telling women to "keep your legs closed and nailed shut because men are who they are and can't control themselves, so you must be the responsible one, because it's all your fault you're still single, but wait on the Lord because He knows what you want, meanwhile don't stay at home and yet don't go there!" - WHEW! I have decided that Steve is a bald-headed bumpkin who cannot even keep his own hustle straight, let alone give me advice on how to get a man and what to do with him once I get him.
As for your friend (the female), she is wrong, wrong, wrong! Having a friend's back does not mean co-signing when they have been doing all kinds of unnecessary shiggety. She is lucky her husband took the peaceful route out of it. Hm...I wonder what would have happened if the tables were turned and she came home to that situation?
Chele - I don't know why I decided to visit your blog today. But um... Wow sis. You have me and "Rose" on FULL TILT BLAST. I wanna be mad but all this shit is real. More real reading it through your eyes. Le Damn - is that what you say? I see from these comments that I need to rediscover and re-attach my balls currently resting in a jar in "Rose's" kitchen.
P.S. What is with these Romey-Rome bruhs you been wasting time on? Come back to the Bay where I never saw you without a blingy brother on your arm. Times have changed for us all.
P.P.S. I'll be back up and through BougieLand. Surely I will.
Um, ya mad? Ya'll give good blog! *Cheleshrug* I left out the Napa Trip, that incident at Barnes & Noble Jack London, those would be great for a week's worth of posts! Still love me?
P.S. Sorry about your balls and whatnot.
Okay, you can get up outta BougieLand now. Go back to reading WSJ online and doing crosswords. Or: Start your own blog, change my name and write it up sir. Either or.
A man who holds his own, holds the world. Wait, not that we won't loan them to the ladies to hold for a minute...
You are correct on all of the above. But hey now, reading Chad's comments below- methinks we're missing out on good BougieTales!? Hawaii, Tahoe, Vegas, ballers? What's that about? Um-hmm, I'll wait. *tapping foot*
Amen, divorced for a few years now. Married young, learned the hard way, you know the story.
The more we know about Chele, the less we know. Intriguing.
Actually my criteria for Mrs. World is that she knows when and how to hold the testicles then give them back.
Well. For what it is worth, I think you did the right thing being peaceable. Being peaceable doesn't mean being weak. There is a whole big world out there of things to do, places to go, and women who will appreciate you. Better to keep on moving than end up with a police record for domestic disturbance. Good luck.
Damn Chele - blingy brothers? *Hatin' Hard*
Oh, Sorry Chad. You must admit you tried.
First things first, Girlfriend was mad because you didn't co-sign her bull***, and very rightly so, she knew she was wrong. Kudo's to Chad for not going "O.J." on both of them ( she will however get hers in the end, you know Karma was watching from the sidelines). She must have confused you for a "friend" and not a "Friend" Capital "F" friends will lie for you, before they lie to you. lower case "friends" will go with the flow. As for Steve Harvey, I listen to him like another person said for the comedic value but as Jay-Z says "You can't knock the hustle". And Jimi, we just need to pray for him.
Well, I cosign with everyone below about your friend Rose; it really wasn't a good idea at all.
As for not going with the consensus, just keep doing you. I don't understand. You are not going to "burn in hell" for having a different opinion. Some of us are just leaders...we don't follow CROWDS. SMH
I am tired of the circus act of people who need to stay out of black women's "business" and focus on their own lives to make sure their sh#% is together and seek God and pray that they go to Heaven instead of HELL for their tongues. :)
Sounds like you've gotten plenty of support here in BougieLand already but I'll add my two cents anyway. I agree your girl was wrong and not willing to take responsibility for how wrong she was. Looking for co-signage is just an out we use when we don't want to own up to our own bull-shiggety. Best of luck to bro man. I'm glad he kept it positive.
No, I've never heard you claim to be a relationship expert. In fact, as you stated, you regularly insert the disclaimer. What's up with main stream media? There are PLENTY of relationship experts out there with degrees, books based on actual research, etc. We should demand they use them (memo to myself to send whoever pulled panel together an email.).
Ride or die, support the cause, got your back...honestly, I left most of that when I left the playground.
Keep doing what your doing, OneChele! You are an expert at writing, blogging, sharing yourself, starting thought provoking discussions and attracting an intelligent and interesting group of commenters if I do say so myself.
Your girlfriend was foul, foul, foul!!!! As a married woman that was soooo disrespectful. Have they considered counseling? Either way, if she is done with the relationship, it should be handled with dignity and respect. To lock one's partner out of the house while he/she is away on business is ridiculous. Also, what type of "man" would be at her house in the midst of all that drama? What type of woman would invite a man on a date to her home when she hasn't even brought closure to the current relatiionship? BEWARE...when people show you who they are believe them. That she is capable of such foolishness is cautionary.
In relation to Steve Harvey, I totally agree with you. He has been married too many times to count and he cheated on his 2nd wife to be with his current wife. Not good!!! He has never really acknowledged that to his audience and the fact that he doesn't own this speaks volumes. I am not mad at his for trying to get his hustle on. I am mad that the media conglomerates keep putting him out there as a relationship expert. You never see Jeff Foxworthy speaking out on women's issues or marriage. He certainly wouldn't be put out there to be taken seriously.
Keep up the good work.
Steve first - you can't truly be surprised that Steve is shucking and jiving for his rent money? He's that cat that gets over on women to make ends meet. That's his thing. He's doing it. So be it. Personally, I'm in awe (not in a good way) of any female reading that book and trying to come at with that? I had a woman tell me on DATE ONE that she was a good woamn and expected marriage, said she learn that from Steve. Really sugar, I don't know you yet. And now I don't want to. How'd that work out for you? And another who had to wait a certain number of dates or days before letting me smash - are we on a clock? Cuz that's the quickest way to get done and dropped. Let me stop. I have not enjoyed any tasty fruit from Steve Harvey's labor, okay? Let me leave it at that.
As for your friends, she has the right one. I come in MY house after being on the road working to pay for said house? I'm sitting down at my table having a meal. 'Excuse me bruh while I grab a plate.' - Ya feel me? I would've posted up so quick...
Basically - you right.
Ummm, who is Jimi Izrael? I'm serious. Who is he?
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