Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Bitter looks bad on boys too…

Long story short… I'm a member of the Fresh Xpress, a blog that gathers the best and the brightest (I'm modest too) black bloggers' most entertaining blog posts and puts them all in one place. Carolyn Edgar's post on Hustlin' Hoes was picked up and posted there yesterday. Shortly thereafter, people started weighing in with their opinions. A few comments in, a gentleman calling himself Bitter Black Man said 85% of all women are groupies and only date for the 'come up'. I took offense (of course) and made the mistake of disagreeing with him publicly.

What is wrong with me? Have I not learned from this very blog that you can't take the bait? Generally the most abrasive and argumentative commenters want attention and are just dying to start something. Like fire, they need oxygen to grow and do real damage. Some folks live for conflict. I do not. His premise was that (in the words of Biggie) chicks were trying to stick him for his paper. And the more paper he stacks, the more chicks were rolling up. He considered that groupiedom. [Laser beam side-eye] Again, I disagreed and wondered where he got the 85% from? Scientific research?

In passing, I mentioned the back and forth conversation on Twitter and all hell broke loose. It started as a brief not and 216 tweets and 46 people later it was a Battle of the Sexes. The ladies said it's always the broke, broke-down, bitter brothers whining about women who only want ballers. Brothers started going in on materialistic women. And so it went. One brother asked me why his personality wasn't enough. My response – when mine is, yours is. Then the brothers (some claiming proudly to be dollarnaires) started listed their requirements in a mate: banging body, ambition, A+ sex game, accepting him for him… the list went on and on and on. Finally I said, "Fellas doing the most today. If I have to be Michelle Obama, you can't come like Pookie from the corner." This set off a whole other flurry of tweets and emails.

I'll address the ladies in a second. Right now, let me say this to my brethren… you know I love ya'll. But I don't even like my chocolate bitter okay? Sweet and smooth is the best way to go. And okay, I'll say it: Bitter never bagged a babe. Bitter + broke = no bueno. Fellas, do you. Whatever it is you do, get on out there and do it with a smile on your face. I guarantee whether you are banking $12k or $1.2 mil, if you are out there hustling and putting your best face forward, women are going to notice and appreciate it. Now let me quantify this – a hustlin' smile will only get you so far as you get older. There is an age at which it's not a good look to still be "aspiring". Particularly if the noun following that adjective is rapper, athlete, or entrepreneur. Please don't be 40 still talking about getting your LeBron on. No sir. Jay-Z and LL Cool J are the only 40-year old rappers I know, and they've been in the game a looong time. You are only an entrepreneur if you actually own and operate a business. Last I checked, "Dreamer" didn't pay no bills.

Let me get back on track. For the brothers that feel beat down, bamboozled and led astray by the womenfolk… my sincerest apologies. Sorry someone did you like that. Now, get over it. Double check that you aren't more concerned with bra size than IQ. Triple check that you know her history instead of her hip size. Does she have some brains to go with the booty beauty? Dammit, is she even a nice person? Okay, just checking. Now if you did all that and still got wounded on love's battlefield, dust yourself and try again. Because as much as I can't stand the bitter broads talking about "men ain't shit"; I triple-quadruple dislike guys telling me there are no "good women" out there, all women are "pay for play", "most the women I meet (insert negative yada-blah here)" – to that I say, "Boo!"

Every person that's single and wants to get married knows it's hard out there… none of them became less single by being bitter about it. Seriously, some of the effort you guys put in to tweet, message and email me about the raggedy women in the world could've been better spent saying three-dozen "Woosah's" and learning to relax, relate, release. If you need to vent THAT much about women, start a blog. Bitchin' about the triflingness of females is what's hot in the streetz anyway; you're liable to have a book deal and a radio show in no time flat. {Shots fired. That slipped out. My bad.}

Point blank. I can't convince you. The only thing that will convince a man that there are good women out there… is a good woman out there checking for him. Since all I see are stats about how there are a great deal of available viable females out there, I encourage you to get out there find one. And if she's not it, onto the next. Continue cycle until Ms. Right (not Ms. Perfect) shows up.

Ladies, I've lectured you a plenty about the bitterness and the mean-muggin' so I'm sure I need not repeat myself. What are your thoughts on the Bitter Black Male? Fellas, is it really that bad out there? A bougie chick wants to know… the floor is yours.

37 comments:

Stank_0 said...

Ah Twitter flame wars!

A bitter man just needs a road trip with the fellas to some place overrun with shorties (shawtys, breezies, etc) and if they can't get him on track....

Seriously, sometimes a man is hurt more than he even realizes. It's easier to clap back than to self-examine. Eventually, the pain is less intense and you can heal.

The conditions out there can't be that bad for the fellas. Whether or not you believe in "the shortage" it's like playing craps with loaded dice. You can't lose.

Rob said...

Bitter days. I had one once, then this cute girl smiled at me and... well, that's another story. Fellas need to shut it. Even on our worst day, we got it better than the sisters.

queenome said...

I quite frankly do not understand what dudes have to be bitter about. The ratio of educated females is what 3 to 1 or even 7 to 1 in some cities. If ya'll weren't to have two, three,f our Superwomen on your arm at once, you could be okay. I, on the other hand, am stuck in Winter, Iowa for the next two months... try finding a decent fella (of any color) to date round here!

OnlyMe said...

Ninja in pic looks mad as hell. I have no time for the Bitter Black Male, walk a mile in my stilettos and holla back.

OneChele said...

This >> It's easier to clap back than to self-examine. Nuff said right there.

MeetCharlieL said...

Sometime it's easy just to point at trifling females and say - there's the problem. However, as you've pointed out - that does not net a brother love and affection. Also, bear in mind there are some men who don't like women. Not talking gay guys, I mean straight men who have issues. They scotch it up for the rest of us.

Peter Parker said...

<>

hm...

i think what it is, is that broke fellas see that men with means, with money and power, can consistently get women, and they get jaded and bitter.( similar to women that get bitter when other females with coco-cola bottle shape always gets the men's attention, but that's another convo)

however, sensible/realistic guys realise that women are attracted to men that will protect, and provide. to "provide" in THIS society, means that you gotta get your weight up, physically and financially. from my vantage point, women don't like broke dudes (because they can do bad all by themselves, and dudes get insecure) and women don't like wimps.

so while i sorta agree with the bbb, his options are either adapt and chalk it up to the game, or look elsewhere.

so

ASmith said...

I'ma say it like I've been saying it...

Step your game up.

And the game I'm referring to is, the types of women you associate with.

I can't tell you how many guys I've talked to who make all these complaints about how women are groupies, don't know what they want, are shallow, etc... and when you start asking them about the specific women they've interacted with, THEY'RE ALL THE SAME.

Sir, the definition of lunacy is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.
Another way to put it is if you want something you've never had, you've got to do something you've never done.

So again, step your game up and start associating yourself with women who are unlike the women you've met previously. *SHOCKER ALERT* that's going to mean that your whole "banging body (whatever that really means), hair down to her ass," and whatever other really superficial requirement you have might have to take a back seat. That or you can just accept that you're only going to get the same type of women.

Now, of course, this is not to say that wanting a woman who looks good, takes care of herself and is otherwise publicly presentable is wrong. It's to say if you want a supermodel, best believe she's gonna want some supermodel type care.

I'm really over bitter brothers. I wish them well, but I'm getting allergic to it. Like don't call me with that bullsh*t. Don't talk to me about that bullsh*t. In my own personal experience with the 5-6 bitter brothers I've known personally, it usually boils down to them wanting one (or two) specific woman who doesn't want them back and all that bitterness that gets directed to women, should be directed to that one woman (if directed at all). It's really misdirected anger at it's finest and most pathetic(est).

I'll save my rant about how men do the same stuff with regards to expectations that they clown women for doing, for another day, cause my pressure is high enough.

Sweet N Tart said...

At the risk of sounding bitter (um - tart) I would say that men have to take your comment: If I have to be Michelle Obama, you can't come like Pookie from the corner - to heart.

U Don't Know Me said...

Any reason you only called out the bruhs? Cause I know mad bitter broads out there.

Lady4Real said...

Because she has lectured the ladies a thousand and one times. There is nothing but love , here in BougieLand, but if cards need to be pulled, they will get pulled, there is no discrimination when calling BULLSHIGGITY.

Peter Parker said...

because 'we' were the ones running our mouths, so it's our turned to get talked to...uhm, i mean gently reminded of the situation...lol

Lady4Real said...

Jealousy is a female dog. Don't hate the player, hate the game. No one wants to be with someone who doesn't make them better, whether it be emotionally or financially. Peter you are right about women being able to do bad by themselves and men being insecure when their lady is doing for herself or for the both of them. Instead of being bitter, get better. Go after what you want, and qualify for what you are applying for. If you can handle ya boo earning more than you or as much as you then step to a lady like that, but if you know you gonna trip go holla at the McDonald's fry girl. People need to stop looking at glasses as half-empty and be glad if it is anywhere near full.

Lady4Real said...

I just say, if you are pointing the finger at someone look down because there are 3 more fingers pointing back at you. (not you Charlie, I just mean people in general)

RoyalLee said...

Well Ms. Chele, here's the thing. I get that some of the ladies have been through it. Some of us have been through it as well. The young cat barking back yesterday sound like he's on some old "I only get 3 star chicks and I want 5" nonsense.

Now in my case, I'm trying hard not to be bitter. But when your ex-wife takes your child out of the freakin' country without telling you and then they get stranded (volcanic ash strikes again) and you have to arrange special transport to get your baby back AND find out this is all because she wants to play kissy-face with some foreign cat you know nothing about? All of this around my little girl? Woo-sah, I'm oversharing I know. But it's this kinda shiggity right here that just makes you salty.

As you rightly assume, some of this is on me for picking a woman who was great naked, not so great at any other time. So my advice to the brotherhood - study long and choose right the first time. If not, don't blame it on the woman - you do better. Let me close with a saying from my Granny Martha (92 today) - you pick with your eyes, you lose with your heart. You pick with your mind, you win with your soul.

[fung'ke] [blak] [chik] said...

I swear BBB are 10xs worst than BBW...and that troll on FreshXpress got my 2cents worth..so I'm done w/him.

OneChele said...

Birthday shout out to Granny Martha, please let her know I'll be stealing her saying and using it ;-).
Sounds like you had quite the weekend. Sorry about the Ex Drama.

Reads4Pleasure said...

I'm fortunate in that I've never really run across any bitter brothers in real life. I've met a few on the ledge and have managed to talk them off of it. I read the comments online and while it may seem like a new phenomenon, I can assure you that the "who is more bitter" argument has been going on since AOL charged $ 2.95 an hour.

J B said...

I'm stealing this quote, too.

ASmith said...

I juuuuust want to give you a hug. And your Granny, actually.

Reads4Pleasure said...

You'd be well within your rights to be bitter over this. Not only is your ex to blame, so are the airport officials that allowed a minor out of the country without written, notarized consent of both parents. yeah, I know TSA only makes so much an hour, but it's their job to be on the look out for these things.

btw, Happy birthday to Granny M.

Hidi said...

What are your thoughts on the Bitter Black Male?

Stay away from me and the rest of the emotionally healthy people. If you are bitter at the moment, then see a psychologist or read self help books or pray. Do something so you can move on from that stage. It is not good to stay bitter "forever". You miss out on the great things that life has to offer and your soul start to slowly rot. What happens to rotten things? They get thrown into the garbage.

Vonmiwi said...

All I can say is wow! You said it straight with no chaser. Any one who reads a statement when they start saying that women want the fellows who are ballers knows that these are from bitter men. What about the woman who is also 'ballin' where does she fit in at? 'The book by Jimi Izrael is a prime example of a bitter man who was rejected too many times in his quest for a relationship. All in all we are the only ones responsible for how we deal with each other and it's strictly up to us to come to a solution to this problem. Our realities won't change unless we're willing to change ourselves.

Winter137 said...

Chele, I agree with what you said whole heartedly. However, I sometimes look around and say to myself “Damn ish done changed “. I was having a candid conversation with my younger cousins (age 13 -20 yrs of age) about sex. Don’t judge me, it was necessary a rumor was floating around, aunt was present, and family was gathered so it was addressed.

I was overwhelmed with being in the midst of this conversation with these kids I’ve taken to the zoo, children’s museum, babysat, etc. My shock rose exponentially at the honesty within the conversation. My little cousins were telling me about kids (over 50%) who were having sex in our church, school, family friends, etc. The crazy part was that information was nothing compared to what was attracting these kids to each other. I don’t know …..Maybe, I’m still na├»ve. But, I was surprised to find out girls were giving it up to certain guys at school because he was “fly”; Prada sneaker shoes, Gucci belt, nice earrings, Rock and Republic Jeans, Blackberry, Macbook, Iphones, etc. OMG, I couldn’t even process this information. Does character even come into play? I’m not saying all teenagers so this but ….really? It’s bad enough these KIDS are having sex and saying stupid things” it feels better without a condom”….. But, Prada’s????

I don’t know what happened or what changed, is it the videos? Do these kids understand unless these artists are going diamond they can’t even sustain the image/ lifestyle they portray? Women and young girls are all about the phat ass and are judged based on their butt /breast size, even in high school? The inner feminist in me has so much trouble processing this information. The problem is some adults are behaving the same way and setting a bad example. I haven’t read all bitter brothers tweets or all the back and forth’s but you both have points. I even sense a difference in dating …… it seems no one wants that person they can build with ,everyone needs prepackaged perfection specifically tailored to them , the problem is prepackage won’t ever be unique ….it will more than likely encompass the thought process of the masses; good , bad, and ugly – greedy little sponges that wants more and more “ perfection” ….. I know that I’m guilty of this as well.

JaymeC said...

All of the issues we've been addressing for the past few weeks derive from the continual breakdown of the family unit. Even if your family if grounded, they are so many others that are untethered, untaught and untrained - and they're interacting with your kids. And they grow up to be Bitter Black Boy and Kat Stacks. All you can do is the best you can with your own and with you. Life is too short for the bitter.

Winter137 said...

Yes gurl, even in the music , shows, books, role models, it's in the water; throw it in the bag, sponsor, have a baby by me and be a millionaire , Basketball Wives, Top Model ( beauty equals success or money), Wifey 1,2, and 3. Married to the game, etc.....

I'm all for technology and but facebook, myspace ,and all these " take a pic to become an instant celebrity" actually makes things worse. I feel it makes people more image conscious and materially driven. My lil cousin wouldn't take a picture with me because he didn't have the right clothes on .....what???

Bailey Quincy said...

Love this! On point and timely.

OneChele said...

Hmm, I may have to write something on Female Ballers. Great comment.

Yvonne said...

It seems that the focus of men has changed. Back in our parents' and grandparents' day a man won't even step to a woman until he had himself together---an education, a job or at least a good job. Now the man, in whatever condition he presents himself, is supposed to be ok. He can't provide and protect a woman because he sees himself as the focal point of the relationship. As has been said, bitter men need to step up their emotional and financial weight---this includes the BAs, MBA and JDs. A woman who's about something isn't looking for the come-up, because she's got her own. She's looking for an EQUAL PARTNER, who can hold his own with her. A woman who's about something is looking for someone w/integrity who's growing as a man. Too often the bitter men have excessive baggage--- a trail of kids, bad credit, underemployment compared to their bills and crazy exes--none of which they are consistently looking to remedy. Real men I love ya, bitter dudes ya get the gasface.

Bookworm said...

Well said.

We all know that men are attracted to the visual package. Unfortunately most of the women with the visual package know this and have become accustomed to living off that visual package via someone else's pocketbook/wallet.

Combine that with the objectification of women through television, news, magazines, videos and the focus on sex and materialism through the same media - you get men who want the complete outside as well as fast and easy sex.

The thing that brings this explosive combo to a loggerheads is when trying to combine these girls who have lived through other's efforts with men who want the surface image into a relationship.

Apparently no one ever told them that relationships require more work than fitting their bodies together

keishabrown said...

1. boo to child abduction. there are some dbl standards that i HATE. if the father took his daughter?? holy Amber alert batman.
2. boo to volcanic ash
3. boo i say.
4. yay to Granny Martha who is my new FB status.

Peter Parker said...

well, i kind of agree, but to take your point to a possible extreme, this line of reasoning, by you (and on my end) may lead dudes to not deal with ladies until they feel they are on a financial level to step to first...in other words, fellas will believe that women will not mess with a dude when he's on the come-up, and only when he HAS reached that level of success.

and i don't think this is true...i think women will support men on the come up...

(but that belief is slowly fading)

Peter Parker said...

Women seek their equal, Men seek their compliment.

but i see your point. Us Fellas should just work on ourselves. got it.

maureen palmer said...

Another good reporting, I had a brother tell me on FB, he is never going to get married, as he put it he does not want to be Kelis'ed ( apparently Kelis is taking Nas to the bank), don't know much about Kelis & Nas and could not comment. My answer to him, on that note I guess a lot of women will skip on marriage too (Tiger Woods & Tikki Barber). Granted, they are women after the paper, and I'm sorry to say men can always sniff it, but they choose to ignore it because they are going for a certain look.

Lady4Real said...

I'm all about the come-up support. A great play is nothing without a good supporting cast. Love has to grow and flourish, both parties need to know that the other will be there for them in the good and the bad. Nothing makes you stronger as being able to reflect on how you came from nothing and grew into something with each other.

Karen Caffee said...

Here I thought that Bitter Black Dude was going to get all over my nerves, and I actually heard the pain in his words - the brother is lost and alone. The more he posted, the more he seemed to be looking for someone to toss him a lifesaver and help him back to the friendly shores. I hope that he doesn't retreat all the way into that bitter cave that he's constructed. Sad to say that after watching "Spectacular" it was all over - WTH? She is not Miley Cyrus making the transition from Disney cutie to adult star, unless she's going straight to the adult film studio!! *Sigh* it was wild enough when I was out there as the L7 onlooker, but this IS a different world than where I came from. That other video has been taken down, but everything that was written helped to create a scary enough visual in my mind - no other imagery is needed. Maya Angelou called it in 'I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings' - "...laying down first and getting up last...." No matter what brand of baller soap you buy with baller or digger money, you can't wash stank away.

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