I had to take a pause for the cause (sort of). Today was going to be Are you Ready to Stand and Deliver? It was going to be a scathing commentary on Mike Steele, Tea Party Shenanigans and ReThugs. I was going to exhort you all to get involved on a local level to beat back propaganda, ignorance and hate. I was going to bitch at length about Confederate History Month in Virginia and whip you all up into an indignant fury over the latest trend of flaunting racism and camouflaging it as "conservative policies." It was going to be epic. But I got derailed by a series of phone calls.
Do we recall the story of my friend Sam? Long-time friend who invited me to a concert but had a whole sexpectation agenda going on? Yeah, him. Today he sent a text to say he had tickets to the Maxwell/Jill Scott concert on June 8th and would I be interested in going. Hmm. First of all, the concert is three months away… why ask so far in advance? Secondly, did he think I FORGOT what he really wanted the last time he asked me to a concert? No matter how much I covet the tickets (and I really do) what am I, stupid? I replied back that I'm going with somebody else (I'll work on it).
Sam decided to respond with a phone call. After a little internal debate, I let it go to voicemail. He called back… seven (7!) times… AND left messages each time. For my male readers out there – please cosign with me that one call and one voicemail is sufficient, two is overkill and seven indicates a bigger problem, does it not? ANY way, everyone who knows me well knows that if I talk to you, you're okay. But if I feel like I have to WRITE YOU A LETTER… it's so not good. Here's my letter to Sam…
Dear Sam,
I listened to the first four of your seven messages, I assumed that was enough to grasp the main idea. You implied that I've perpetrated some colossal fraud on you over the course of the past few years. Somehow toyed with your emotions and what was your phrase? "Dangled" myself in front of you. Like wow. I'm pretty sure I can honestly say I've never dangled myself in front of anybody. I'm not sure I'd know how. This also tells me you've paid NO attention to who I am and how I act. If I was dangle-inclined, I would have just said so. Life is too short for the game playing. But I suspect you don't know nothin' 'bout that. You also implied that I'm just mean. Well, I can be but I haven't been mean to you. Here's hoping you never see the mean side of Michele.
I've decided the best way to respond is to include you in my Are You Ready week on BnB. So let me ask you… are you ready to get real? I mean really real? You ready? Okay good…
What's real is that I've known you for close to four years and you have been unable to maintain a meaningful relationship with any woman for more than a two week time period. I gave keeping up with the names of the "ladies" you have been embroiled with. But have you ever wondered why you can't find someone to put up with you for more than two dates? I really haven't wanted to speculate but now I'm beginning to wonder.
What's real is that you don't seem to understand nuances. Sex vs. Love, Smile vs. Come On, Friend vs. Flirt, No thank you vs. I hate you. I turned down your invitation to this concert because your last invitation led to an uncomfortable situation. I was preserving what was left of our casual friendship. Read those last two words again: casual friendship.
What's real is that I never indicated that I wanted to be any more than friends after our initial "date" which was a disaster of epic proportions. So bad in fact that we had to laugh and decide to be friends just so that something positive could come out of that horrid an experience. But now I'm wondering if you are a different person when you date someone than when you are "just friends" because we have hung out and laughed and talked like human beings until you decided to turn it into something else altogether.
What's really real is that I did miss every clue you swear you gave about wanting to be more than friends. Which makes me wonder what the hell kind of clues you threw my way? This may be part of the problem. You don't know when to come direct and correct and when not to. For the record, a "Michele, I want out of the friend zone" would have been a great start. No it would not have netted the result you wanted but I would have known what you were thinking or feeling.
What's real is that I was insulted by your "sexpectations" and no, it's not because I'm a prude. It's because you came at me all sideways. Even if you "didn't realize" that I wouldn't appreciate your tactics, do you really not know women well enough to know better?
What's real is that I suspect something else is going on that I know nothing about because all of that seven-call drama seems over the top. Even for you.
What's real is that I'm going to give you all the space and time in the world to work it out. And I wish you luck with that.
Also what's real is that I hope you're not insulted that I sent you the link to this post instead of calling you back. It's not passive-aggressive, it's drama avoidance. Plus you make great blog fodder. Apologies but you do.
As long as you're reading, please jump back to the rest of this week's posts on being relationship ready and ready to grow up. Okay, that statement might have been a little passive-aggressive. My bad. You can feel free to leave your comment here (thought I suspect you won't) because I won't be answering that call or text any time soon. Hope this answers your questions.
Keeping it Real,
Michele
BougieLand – did you ever have someone that you had to get really real with? Does it really seem possible that a man would be interested in a woman for years and not make some sort of move? I mean, we're grown, this isn't high school. Le Sigh. Comments, thoughts and opinions always welcome. The floor is yours…
32 Bougie Thought(s):
Wow OneChele! What a post for a Thursday morning! He should appreciate that you are giving him this opportunity to look at his activities as not healthy, and that perhaps he is in need of a self-esteem check. Plus his repeated voicemails and irrational behavior counts as a big FAIL.
But, grown folks have been known to act like high schoolers and it isn't going to stop now. I can appreciate the drama avoidance factor in doing it through blog post. Maybe he can create his own blog and let it become cathartic for him. He needs to let some stuff out before he becomes destructive and all by himself.
BTW - the Jill Scott/Maxwell concert is coming here, and I am trying to get those tickets as soon as I can push a button to buy them. Hope you get to go!
LOL you need to crash the car with this dude: http://bit.ly/9wB3Ie
Dear Sam: You're a douche. The end. Love, TiffanyInHouston
Bruh, I hope you read this. Grow a pair and move on. When a woman doesn't WANT you, that's probably on you. Seven voicemails? Son, wake up and smell the desperation. Move along please.
Thx, Jason
I had to get really real with a guy last week but I didn't do it half as well as this! LOL - WOW!
Poor Sam. All this time he's been blaming the failed "relationships" on the women no doubt.
He cannot be for real. Actually, sure he can. He's one of those guys. He played, he lost, he's pissed, it's your fault. Ugh. Go away little boy!
Dear Sam,
BOOOOO!
Blessings,
ChocolateOne
Sam,
She don't want you. And now you have lost a friend. Prolly one of the few ya had. Please peep yesterday's post on Grown Folk Biz and get on board. Like now.
Oh, and the Bruhs would like you to turn in the playa card on your way out the door.
Charlie
Chele...
::slow clap:: Um, and 7 voicemails? Beyond unacceptable. What the hell you got to say in 7 voicemails? Sir, that is NOT cute.
Just last night my friend and I were discussing a potentially similar situation. She's been going on and on about how she wants more male friends. She doesn't want to date, but (and I think many females can identify) sometimes, you need just a little testosterone in your life (no, not like that). Anyway, I warned her that on the whole, men who become friends with women are playing their position until they see a closer spot open up.
So last night when we talked she mentioned that a guy she started talking to on a friendly level in one of her law school classes is getting a little too close. Waiting for her after class, asking about what she does on the weekends, etc... you know -- dropping hints. But she and I are both of the "we're too old for euphemisms. You got something to say, say it" club. We lamented about how if she were to try to nip this in the bud and just say she only wanted to be his friend, he might jump on the "Women always think somebody wants them" train, but if she were to wait and act like she doesn't see the signs, he'd be on some "You saw me trying hard and just let me put myself out there" stuff.
I mean YOU CAN'T WIN sometimes. Frustrating as HELL.
Seven voicemails tells me all I need to know. And this is PRIOR to you sharing the good-good!? Man please.
*yanks Sam to the side and whispers* You are killing it for the rest of us. KILLING it. Go. Sit. Down.
Well now I'm curious - what kind of hints was he putting out there? Damn, at least in high school you got a note. It's your fault his game is wack?
I had to end a 6 year friendship after a similar situation. From day one we established that we were friends. When we hung out I would always make sure to have my own money and try to pay my own way. He always insisted on paying. We lived in the same building and would take turns cooking. Since he was at my place a lot, he met the boyfriends, never said a word. Fast forward to a boyfriend hiatus and he makes a move. When I ask what he's doing, he pulls the "come on now, all the dates we've been on, you owe me". Screech! Dates? Dude, we were hanging out. I offered to pay, you said no, that was it. The whining and begging got to be too much and no one was happier than me when he got a job out of state and moved.
Oh how I wish he comes to BougieLand to answer for this idiocy.
Why did I get the "Women say they want a good man" speech just last week? Aargh! Yes we do, we want a man that is GOOD FOR US. What might be good for her ain't good for me.
Ok, I'm about to go here and I'm going to beg for your forgiveness, in advance, OneChele if this turns into a sh*tstorm, but I trust the reglar BnB readers to go about a potential discourse civilly. ::clears throat::
I cannot, under any circumstances, STAND the "women say they want a good man" speech, ESPECIALLY from a man.
With all due respect...
Why in the WORLD can't men understand that just because you like me that doesn't mean I have to like you back, it doesn't mean we have to be more than friends, it doesn't mean I owe you anything, it doesn't mean I have to do ANYTHING but tell you I'm not interested.
I'm having the (unfortunate?) experience of watching this unfold from the other side. That is, a male friend of mine is seriously interested in another girl and we're having this argument. I get working hard for what you want, but only if the other person seems interested. Why are you wasting time on this chick and she DOESN'T LIKE YOU? Why can't you move on? Is it ego?
Hey, I know men are expected to take the risk first. I see the complaints about it here all the time, and I'm cognizant of that, but DAMMIT if she says no, she's not playing hard to get and if she IS playing hard to get, find a girl who won't. Save the fighting efforts for the middle of the relationship when all that actually matters!
::whew:: I needed that.
Ooh boy- please read the comments bruh. Seven calls aside, no matter how a woman says she doesn't want you, responding with anger is a clear sign of personal problems. That anger combined with a misguided sense of ownership that comes with dating is a red flag (to some) that you are a potential Chris Brown in relationships. Calm yourself, learn from this situation, and be better next time. Then maybe you'll get more yes' and less regrets.
7 messages...as in 1,2,3,4,5,6, SEVEN?!!! O_o
Sam,
Seven voicemails? SMH...*dead*
You expected her to agree to going to a concert with you, after that last stunt you pulled? *12 feet under*
***cues "Have A Little Talk With Jesus"***
Man, just walk away because you've mad yourself look far worse this time...smh...
~~~beautifulcurare~~~
I know I risk getting booted from Bougieland for a day or longer, but I have to remind you OneChele more than one person advised you to jettison Sam after the epic sexpectation fail. And based upon what you wrote in this letter to him, this is not the first time you have seen and experienced Sam's deep seated immaturity.
So on this one, OneChele, I've got to say, you should have seen this coming! You should have cut all ties with this a** clown, in no uncertain terms, long ago, and most certainly after the failed concert date/I wanna sex you fiasco. Sam should have been blocked from contacting you even by carrier pigeon.
I'm not giving Sam a pass no way, no how. But this was an Le Sigh moment that could have been avoided...
With much kindness for you, Michelle, I have to agree with brendakay50.
You were probably trying to be nice by continuing to be friends with him even after the last fiasco. But it seems this is one of those situations when the best thing to do all around is to let go.
I'm so confused about the seven phone calls. Call leave a voicemail. If you are pressed call back later. After that... move on!
Actually, I haven't talked to him since the last bit of foolishness. No contact at all.
Wow. On behalf of the male species (or the worst members of it) I'd like to apologize for this moron's behavior. Seven phone calls? Sexpectations? This guy needs to find himself a whorehouse, pronto. . You definitely showed an ability to put up with bs that most girls wouldn't be able to. Just leave him be. Better yet, block his number. And as for his reaction to the post? It's whatever. Blogs are SUPPOSED to be used for venting. I know I've done so recently, lol
We might need to put Have a Little Talk With Jesus on repeat for this ninja. Sheesh.
THIS^^^
Do tell? Link please.
OK I've made up my mind. If there's a role of a dog in "Heard It All Before" I want it.
Good. So it is on him then. He said his bit. You wrote yours. And that is that.
I don't know - I suspect her niceness bought her some time before he hopped on the crazy train. He does not appear to take rejection well at all.
hannington-hd.blogspot.com. The one called "I Love You." Scroll down a little and you'll see it
Dang, to borrow from the young crowd you "go hard". This letter would make a good play in broadway though.
*so. far. gone. (#nodrake).
i HAVE no words whatsoever. he's an idiot. case closed.
i had to keep it real when a dude asked me out on a date, i accepted and he came to pick up me up with his boy in the car! we went out to dinner and while dude i'm on a date on is pawing at me like a damn cat, the other dude is sitting there in silence watching the whole thing. CREEPED ME THE HELL OUT.
he caught up with me a few days later (he worked by my work) and i started with the whole..um..im getting back together with my ex. then i thought about the 96% of women who don't report sexual assualts, so told him that what he did is NOT cool. you NEVER show up to a date with another dude, it's a respect thing, common sense thing and safety thing. i had to do it on behalf of all the women he's probably done that too before and the ones he would try it with again.
*deep sighs right along with you.
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