Friday, March 26, 2010

Wrapping up Questions for the fellas week: The Best of the Rest

Ladies, apologies. We had way too much to squeeze into a five-day week. There was no way I could get to everyone's questions. So I grouped a lot of what I received into the topics we've already covered. And instead of leading with a BougieTale today, I've just decided to share the best of the rest. Without further ado, questions for the fellas (unedited):

  1. We hear women complain about there being no good men all the time & they're taken to task for overlooking the blue collar, hardworking, not too flashy men. I can't relate to that because I'll take good & decent over trifling but cute any day. My question is, when men say they can't find a good woman, are they really trying? Are they so caught up in having the next Halle Berry or Gabrielle Union that they overlook Alfre Woodard or Whoopi Goldberg? I understand that men are more visual creatures, but can they honestly say good looking equals a good woman?

  2. Why do brothers always harp about money, even if I'm making my own? What's that about?

  3. My question is, what do guys really think about girls that are virgins and over a certain age (let's say 22). Could they date a girl that was one or not?

  4. When us women talk about putting on makeup or buying shoes or I dunno, doing karaoke on a night out I feel an apologetic tone in our voice equivalent to when men talk about said womanly pursuits they have a condescending tone in their voice (like they are rolling their eyes). (on the other hand, many women want to get involved with their man's hobbies, play video games, go to see the same bands play, go to see action films with none of the embarrassment a man would feel at a chick flick etc.) Whereas when a man spends 12 hours playing an xbox 360 shoot-em-up there's some pride there, it's something to boast about rather than to apologize for. So I guess the question would be: Men, do you really believe your hobbies and interests have more substance than a typical woman's interests?

  5. Why do guys want to set a curfew for their girlfriends when they go out with their girls, or some guys just don't want their girlfriends to go out at all?

  6. Guys say they want an intelligent, good woman, that'll be a good wife one day, but they ALWAYS go for the big breasts and/or booty. WHYYY??????

  7. Why do you guys find it so hard to move on from relationships when it is obviously over. Is it ego?

  8. Why do you go into new relationships when there isn't closure on the last one?

Fellas, thanks so much for indulging us this week. If you could just bear with us for one more day, we would really appreciate your insights. Ladies, your thoughts and shared experiences on these questions are always welcome. Feel free to answer one or all. Your participation is greatly appreciated. Happy Friday BougieLand, the floor is yours.

NOTE: These are NOT questions from OneChele but OneChele's readers. Don't send me the snide tweets about me not being a 22-year old virgin. #FAIL. AGAIN - Questions are from BnB population. THANKS.

37 comments:

tmcydame said...

This should be fun...

1. Overloaded query. You can't assume that guys are determining a woman's "goodness" based on her looks. That's not a good look. If a man says he can't find a good woman, he's saying he can't find a good woman -- i.e., a woman with a majority of the qualities he deems necessary in a mate. What any particular man deems necessary is something you have to take up with him.

2. Do we? I don't know. You're making your own money, though? Good for you. You keep that up.

3. Honestly, I want a woman whose tread is slightly worn. Not bald. *Slightly* worn. Don't get me wrong, I'm a good teacher. But teaching in the bedroom can be like trying to teach a toddler her ABCs sans that jingle we all know. It's not the worst experience in life, but it more than likely not going to rank among the best. Still, dating a virgin isn't totally out of the realm of possibility. But it's definitely on the outskirts of said realm.

4. No. But I tend to refrain from doing things that some women like to do that have little substance when it comes to my life such as watching Bad Girls Club, Real Housewives of Some American City/County, Jersey Shore, Golden Girls reruns, etc. But hey, if you don't find any substance in watching several hours of sports on the weekend, I won't hate you.

5. Curfew? Does not compute. (For real, someone used the word "curfew" in a question. We're all adults here, right?)

6. Um, guys don't always go for the big breasts or booty. You might notice this if you stopped staring at the big breasts and big booty waiting on some man to go after them/it.

7. You can't underestimate a man and his persistence. A woman may say it's over, but some men will continue pursuing said woman because of this: They know that if that woman cracks that door in the slightest bit then they can kick it open. Some guys will try and try and try and try until they get sick of trying -- i.e., they're ready to try someone else. But they try so long and tough, not because of ego, but because they want to know if they can still kick in that door from time to time.

8. All people do this. It's one of the most messed-up ways, yet, at times, effective ways of moving on. Crazy, but it really can work. Besides, I've said this before about closure somewhere: you give yourself closure when you're ready to do so.

Sarah said...

Happy Friday :-) It decided to be sunny here for a change. Having stirred up my memories this week thinking about the ex after reading the post and comments, I have to put them firmly back into box in the far reaches of my mind. It was a valiant effort this week on your part. It gave me some food for thought. Last night when I was trying to get to sleep, I was listening to a CD from years ago. It is a classical music CD I used to use to block out the noise while working. It starts with a single instrument (piano), then oboe, then oboe and violin, and then gradually the whole orchestra. The orchestra reminded me of the conversation here this week. You can hear the different themes and the groups of instruments talking to one another and some how they make a whole. OK. I have a fanciful imagination :-)

GrownAzzMan said...

1. We hear women complain about there being no good men all the time & they're taken to task for overlooking the blue collar, hardworking, not too flashy men. I can't relate to that because I'll take good & decent over trifling but cute any day. My question is, when men say they can't find a good woman, are they really trying? Are they so caught up in having the next Halle Berry or Gabrielle Union that they overlook Alfre Woodard or Whoopi Goldberg? I understand that men are more visual creatures, but can they honestly say good looking equals a good woman?

Finding the right woman is harder then you think. Yes looks do matter but most of us are looking at the total package. There are not as many good women out there as you may think. This is caused by the fact that we see your sisters, cousins, girlfriends and co-workers differently then you do.

2. Why do brothers always harp about money, even if I'm making my own? What's that about?

I can’t help you with this one. Not something I do.

3. My question is, what do guys really think about girls that are virgins and over a certain age (let's say 22). Could they date a girl that was one or not?

In my dating age range meeting a virgin is not a realistic or desired expectation. If I did meet a woman who was a virgin that would be a stop sign for me. Just keeping it real I am not interested in training a beginner.

4. When us women talk about putting on makeup or buying shoes or I dunno, doing karaoke on a night out I feel an apologetic tone in our voice equivalent to when men talk about said womanly pursuits they have a condescending tone in their voice (like they are rolling their eyes). (on the other hand, many women want to get involved with their man's hobbies, play video games, go to see the same bands play, go to see action films with none of the embarrassment a man would feel at a chick flick etc.) Whereas when a man spends 12 hours playing an xbox 360 shoot-em-up there's some pride there, it's something to boast about rather than to apologize for. So I guess the question would be: Men, do you really believe your hobbies and interests have more substance than a typical woman's interests?

They do to us. We think a weekend of sports is perfect. You may not. No problem do you and we will do our thing and then we can get back together when it’s all done.

5. Why do guys want to set a curfew for their girlfriends when they go out with their girls, or some guys just don't want their girlfriends to go out at all?

Curfew? Really? What grown woman or man is going to put up with that? Certainly when one is in a relationship the are accountable for their actions but seriously if you have a man who doesn’t want you to go out with your girlfriends or wants to put a time limit on it I would say it’s time to get a new man.

6. Guys say they want an intelligent, good woman, that'll be a good wife one day, but they ALWAYS go for the big breasts and/or booty. WHYYY??????

I want an intelligent, good woman with big breasts and booty. Yes I am that dude! Case closed.

7. Why do you guys find it so hard to move on from relationships when it is obviously over. Is it ego?

It may be but all I can say is when I am done I’m done. I am not the one to hang on to a relationship.

8. Why do you go into new relationships when there isn't closure on the last one?

Oftentimes that is a tactic to get over the hurt of the past relationship. That is not confined to men either since I have been with women who were not over their ex.

Steve said...

1. We want it all. Or as much as we can get. So do you.
2. We are the providers. If we see you running through money like water, we will expect us to provide you with more. That makes us stress.
3. I'm a little old to be Star Trekking (boldy going where no man has been before) but a younger cat should be all over that
4. It's not our interests have more substance, it's that their OUR interests so we like them more
5. Curfew? Girlfriend on lock? Who wrote that needs to be onto the next. Unless you want a second father?
6. See answer number one.
7. Sometimes I have a hard time accepting that things didn't end the way I wanted. But I get over it and move on. Gimme a minute
8. I was told the best way to get over one was to get on the next one, feelings over lap.

Hannington Dia said...

1. Given that Whoopi Goldberg is officially a member of the senior citizens club, and I just turned twenty two months ago, ehh, I think I'll pass. Yes, men are more visual creatures but if a girl I'm talking to shows herself to be ignorant or outright stupid, I won't get with her. I've seen gorgeous looking women at my community center, but I wouldn't get with them if you paid me 500 grand to do so; their ghetto attitudes shine more than their looks.
3. I can't really say anything about any girl over 22 still being a virgin, since I'm a 20 year old virgin myself. I really don't care there.
6. Guys always go for the big breasts and booty? Girls always talk about wanting to date a man 6'2 and above! If I can recall, you've said you wanted a tall guy to on one of your posts (I could be mistaken though). So why should we get chastised fir wanting big boobs and butts, but girls never get chastised for wanting tall guys?
So yeah, that's all, lol

Cassie said...

Ooooo! I so badly wanted rebuke and rebutt some of the fellas' answers but they are speaking their truth so I'm going to leave it there. But Oooooo!

OneChele said...

Not my questions but some from the readers. And yes, I do have my preferences ;-)

BendLikeBent said...

Seems like there is still plenty to be done on the Mars vs. Venus debate, no?
I will answer #4 and say that that is ridiculous. Please do keep yourself in that situation, whoever sent that question in.
And #8 - sometimes we think are fully over someone when we are not.

Stank_0 said...

The breasts/booty vs. good woman question poses it as an either-or dilemma. I'm under the impression they are not mutually exclusive.

Someone alluded to women mostly wanting tall men. They aren't generally beaten about the head and shoulders (no shampoo) about it either.

I will say that as men age, T&A does start to mean alot less b/c we've experienced it and got it out of our system. That doesn't mean we don't like to look. Some women are so shapely, it would hurt me NOT to look. I..I...I cain't he'p it.

Jason P said...

1. I don't want the prettiest woman in the room, that's too much drama for me. I want the most interesting woman in the room who LOOKS good. Alfre is a gorgeous older lady, Whoopi... I'm not her flavor anyway
2. Who are these fools? You making your own money - holla! That's less I have to make.
3. I'm in my experimental years (no pause), I need someone with just enough experience and curiosity to grow with me that way.
4. Are you knocking the goodness of a 12 hour Xbox marathon? The minute I'm done, I'm all about you.
5. I can't comprehend
6. I'm not obsessed with the booty but brains on big boob girl is the hotness. Are you saying that big boob girl can't make a good wife?
7. Ego is a small part. On this I would argue that women drag their baggage much more than men do
8. repeat number 7

daisy said...

Double standards still rule I see. Good to know.

Javalicious said...

I applaud the men for sharing this week. Some of the responses were far more "evolved" than I expected. Others... well. Great week Chele.

LeonX said...

I've been trying to answer these questions you have posted. I have to say they're just not as good as the ones you've posted this week. They lack any analysis from the people who posed them. Questions like these remind me that the answers don't lie in the stars, but in ourselves.

LeonX said...

I'm interested in your rebuttal, but then I'm wacky like that.

RoyalLee said...

Whew, I picked a hell of a week to start commenting.
1. Good looking doesn't equal good woman any more than not attractive woman = good woman. Good to me, Attractive to ME, my idea of that is not everybody else's

2. The way you spend your money tells me how you'll spend mine.

3. Back in my 20s I had no issues with the virgins. Now, at 35 - no thank you.

4. Women shouldn't apologize for what they like to do, neither should men

5. Are we catching an early flight in the morning? Are you out late bouncing on top of another man or swinging on a pole? No, have a good time

6. Again - Hot doesn't equal good.

7. Some is ego, I want to know that I've done everything I could to keep a relationship going (if it's worth it). Plus I want rights on comeback. What's Chele call it - The Tapback.

8. That's just life. We all move forward carrying things that came before.

Liselle said...

I think this says it best:

1. We want it all. Or as much as we can get. So do you.

GrownAzzMan said...

Go ahead. We shared, so can you.

datdudeincali said...

I agree. But I'm partial to Chele's BougieTales - they give context and you have real life situations to tie back the origin of the questions. These sound like questions that affect these woman individually rather than male vs. female issues on the whole.

But I'll answer number 8 - If we all waited to get 100% closure before moving onto the next relationship, we'd never move on.

Cassie said...

Okay - without calling out people individually, I will say that one thing that really irks me is when men instead of admitting a possible fault, or weakness, or politically incorrect preference deflect it back onto the women with a "You do it too" or "More women are guilty of this then men" - I believed that these posts this week were not written to attack but to open a dialogue and yet day after day I saw men saying "This is how it is so get over it" or "We're not as bad as you". So that's my issue with some of the fellas' "feedback" - some of it seemed to be a dodge. Though my favorie answers of the week came from Rob and Mad Mack.

I can't wait until the Ask the Ladies week, I wonder if we will be guilty of the same thing.

tiffanyinhouston said...

Good onew, that's real talk for real life.

tiffanyinhouston said...

Yeah, Steve pretty much summed it up in one sentence. That's a wrap!

LeonX said...

I agree with you. Deflecting doesn't get the conversation moving anywhere. I'll only speak for myself in that I have tried to measure my answers with some civility and acknowledging that both men and women play a part in how a relationship goes.

LeonX said...

Exactly! That's just how the content of these questions went down. I was over thinking this whole post.

Cassie said...

You always answer with respect and intelligence. Grown Man Answers. Thank you!

OneChele said...

Thanks!

OneChele said...

Looking never hurt nobody... leering on the other hand? Well, that's a different post ;-)

OneChele said...

Thanks for keeping it real!

OneChele said...

The best conversation sounds like a symphony!

Stank_0 said...

Who's to say when it is leering? Maybe I'm just enjoying the view...alot alot. As long as I don't start gettin thirsty or pressed, a long eyeball ain't hurteded nobody.

GrownAzzMan said...

That is why I tried to answer for myself only. I can't explain some of the things other guys do either. Bottom line though if your mate/partner does too many things that you don't like or understand its time to move on. How many is too many is a personal choice.

OneChele said...

Thanks Dame!

maureen palmer said...

I will seat back & get educated, as a matter of fact, I need to direct someone to this site.

♞ they call me kj ♞ said...

1.My question is, when men say they can't find a good woman, are they really trying? Are they so caught up in having the next Halle Berry or Gabrielle Union that they overlook Alfre Woodard or Whoopi Goldberg? I understand that men are more visual creatures, but can they honestly say good looking equals a good woman?

-looks are part of the package, and possibly what gets us interested in knowing more about "you"-

2. Why do brothers always harp about money, even if I'm making my own? What's that about?

-because it's our job, our role as the male, to be the provider. and i have no problems worrying about that.-

3. My question is, what do guys really think about girls that are virgins and over a certain age (let's say 22). Could they date a girl that was one or not?

- i have no problems dating a virgin-

4. When us women talk about putting on makeup or buying shoes or I dunno, doing karaoke on a night out I feel an apologetic tone in our voice equivalent to when men talk about said womanly pursuits they have a condescending tone in their voice (like they are rolling their eyes). (on the other hand, many women want to get involved with their man's hobbies, play video games, go to see the same bands play, go to see action films with none of the embarrassment a man would feel at a chick flick etc.) Whereas when a man spends 12 hours playing an xbox 360 shoot-em-up there's some pride there, it's something to boast about rather than to apologize for. So I guess the question would be: Men, do you really believe your hobbies and interests have more substance than a typical woman's interests?

-Yes. I guess we mock and sneer at what we can't understand-
5. Why do guys want to set a curfew for their girlfriends when they go out with their girls, or some guys just don't want their girlfriends to go out at all?

-Probably because the 'Protector" mode has awakened in us, and we're generally worried about your bangin' body being accosted by some dumbass punk. Me personally, i wouldn't have a curfew, do what you want, i'll do what..uhm..i want *smirk* -


6. Guys say they want an intelligent, good woman, that'll be a good wife one day, but they ALWAYS go for the big breasts and/or booty. WHYYY??????


- because for most of us, our preference is a woman with a banging body, that's intelligent and will be a good wife one day. See what i did there? lol -


7. Why do you guys find it so hard to move on from relationships when it is obviously over. Is it ego?
-N/A-

8.Why do you go into new relationships when there isn't closure on the last one?

-n/a-

monna said...

Well said.

monna said...

Thanks Chele for creating a space for great discussion. After reading some of the comments this week, I can honestlysay, I have to keep the hope alive; they are still some nice men out here. It's hard though, when you wake up to Tiger & Jesse mistress as breaking news. As I step out tonight, I will keep my head up as Tupac use to say.

tiffanyinhouston said...

I read it. And I appreciate your 2 cents. All of it.

sunt97 said...

Great blog week. Curfew, HA, that's too funny. I wish someone would try that one with me.

Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com

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