Tuesday, March 02, 2010

Stop telling me how I think, what to do, how to look, who to date, when to exhale… I beg of you.

I get it. I really do. Bashing or even borderline bruising black women is what hot in da streetz. By bashing I mean telling us why we ain't nothing, ain't gonna have nothing, ain't gonna have nobody to share nothing with. Sure, it gets you book deals and blog views and radio shows and talk shows and photo ops and movie deals and basically… paid. I get it. You found a hu$tle that works and you only have to kick a group of people that are already down to do it.

Oh, you think you're being helpful offering up your "self-help" and "how-to" and "best way" opinions to us? Even those of you that are not directly authoring the yada-yada, do you really think you're helping by adding in your "tsk-tsk" or "co-sign" two cents response to the media swirl about all the problems with the sisterhood? You're not. You are adding to the already cacophonous wall of noise. I respectfully request that right after commenting on this post J… everyone just shut up. I am talking to celebs and so-called relationship gurus, writers, columnists, bloggers, regular folks talking in the coffee shop, women and men, young and old, black – white – and everything in between… just STOP.

  • STOP re-quoting the statistics about successful educated black women never getting married or having kids. Would you rather we stayed stupid and broke for the sake of a ring? Of course not, so how is reminding us of the statistics going to help? It's just going to make the desperate more desperate and the hopeless less hopeful. I can't see the good in that. Those of us staying optimistic become less so in the face of all the overwhelming evidence. Maybe we will (get married), maybe we won't but the continuous talk of a "crisis" in the community (because of our unmarried state) is just plain mean.

  • STOP telling me how to look to catch a man. No it's not my weight. I've been everything from a size 8 to a 22 and back again and had a man at every one of those sizes. No it's not my hair, I've been straight, kinky, wavy, weaved, pony-tailed and darn near bald… had a man at every step of the way there too. For every so-called flawless woman with a ring, I can name two so-called flawless women without one. Oh, magazines – this is for you too. Stop telling us that this lipstick, that high-heeled boot, that pencil skirt is the thing we MUST own to snare Mr. Right.

  • STOP telling me to date (or not to date) white men. All of you. Seriously. I'll date that blue dude from Avatar if I freakin' want to. People dating the rainbow coalition, good for you. People only attracted to a certain type, good for you. People who have given up on one type and are looking for another type to swoop in and save them, good luck with that. Either way, I'm tired of hearing about it.

  • STOP looking for someone to blame. It's not that all black women are mean or picky or high-maintenance – GTFOH with that. It's not that all black men are trifling or thuggish or under-employed – that's bullshiggity too. All the black men are not in jail, all the sisters aren't expecting "too much" – those are cop out answers. I'm sure every woman who is single could sit down and point to a variety of reasons (good, bad and in-between) why they are that way today. Each story is an individual one both personal and unique to the person telling it. Let them own that story, quit painting with the broad strokes...

  • STOP acting like we are either sitting around waiting to exhale or are gasping our last breath surrounded by 20 cats. Can we not be vibrant, complete individuals regardless of relationship status? And this goes for you too other sisters… stop giving us the "I'm so sad for you" look because you have a man and we don't (at the moment). This just makes us angry and less sympathetic should things not work out between you and your boo. We don't need sympathy, just a little support and a smile. Please and thank you in advance.

  • STOP acting like my brains are a detriment. I shall not be dumbing it down for the cause of snaring a man. Nor will I emasculate him by pointing out all the stuff I may know that he doesn't. Not everybody can match my Scrabble game… I'm evil with it, son… evil. Don't come at me with the Trivial Pursuit either… moving on. This whole concept of acting like I'm less than I am to make a man feel like more than he is… that's crap. That means we are not a fit. Onto the next… hopefully.

  • STOP judging me because I have standards. Not prejudices… standards. Sure I would date the UPS man if we found each other attractive and interesting. But the UPS man who has four kids, four baby mamas, two parole officers and a habit of blowing his paycheck on a great batch of chronic… hell no. That doesn't make me snobby or bougie- that makes me self-aware of my own code of values, tolerance and limitations.

  • STOP assuming we all want Barack ambition, Denzel smile, LL Cool J body, Kanye swagger, LeBron money and Idris vibe. I mean, that's nice and all but we know expecting one dude to have all of that wrapped up in one package is ridiculosity of the highest order. Most of us would be happy with someone we can trust, laugh with, talk to and ride out a crisis with your mutual affection and admiration still intact. We'll start with that every day of the week.

  • STOP telling us that you (and you alone) have the answer (the fix, the cure!). You don't or we wouldn't still be talking about it. And by the way, if your answer involves me becoming a completely different person than I am… you may keep that. Don't start with the argument that clearly what I've done up to now hasn't worked… er, uh – I know. You throwing Hallmark-style affirmations my way (packaged as a book of "get a man gospel") is useless and kinda slimy.

  • STOP helping. Really, stop offering up opinions and concern and editorials. Especially if your own relationship history is kinda suspect. I wouldn't take boat-steering advice from the Exxon Valdez captain or fact-checking advice from Jayson Blair… just sayin'.

I could go on (and on) but I'll. JUST. STOP. I'm not angry, I'm actual rather amused by all the hoopla and pronouncements of doom and gloom. I spent part of this evening chatting with a group of professional African-American ladies over the age of 50 who are not married, I'll share their story with you tomorrow. But in the meantime, you know what to do BougieLand… share your thoughts. Am I just ranting or could we use a "group time-out" on the Black Woman Are Doomed Pronouncements? And before I retire the subject for a while, any thoughts on this topic you want to share, get off your chest, get some feedback on?

105 comments:

Inkognegro said...

well that takes care of that. *picks up toys and clocks out for the *day

Ondrea said...

No comments needed. You said it all much better than I would have!

Raylene K Adams said...

Well let me just say HELL YEAH to this. I find it super-amusing that the media focus on those of us who are not married as if it's something pathological, never a choice, and then completely ignore the fact that plenty of highly-educated Black women are dating who they DO want to be with...but then again, that would require them to acknowledge that they're being ridiculous with the blame BS. I also find it amusing that a) it's assumed that all these women are heterosexual and b) for those who actually are heterosexual, men who aren't American are pretty much treated as non-existent when in the academy as well as the workplace. I don't really grasp the "African-American men won't get with you quickly enough? Go White!" thing seeing as it assumes that a Black woman who does prefer Black men would have even LESS in common with a Black man from outside the US than she would any other person who IS from the US.

blackamazon said...

* applauds*

shelbie said...

Fist Bump Chele! I'm not even single yet, but I feel you. This is TOTALLY relevant and valid. I did a little ranting/time out myself today (btw, you were much more polite) Job well done! We're entitled every once in a while. Here's to happily single or damn near divorced women everywhere! There is NOTHING wrong with daring to want better for yourself and not settling for what's available at the moment. I had to learn that the hard way, and trust me the experience UTTERLY overrated.

tiffanyinhouston said...

You went IN! You know my hot button is weight. News flash: there are women who are above size TEN who date, have relationships, and *shocker* even get married. My fluffy ass STAYED having dates. I'm not saying don't be healthy for your size but don't assume all the women that fall into that category should lock themselves in the closet (with their cats).

My other hot button is standards...I could go on and on..no black women with reasonable sense wants to date the ex-con fresh off the bus with 50 bucks in his pocket. REALLY???

Sarah said...

OK. Good to hear you are not angry. I wouldn't want blood pressure medication to be in your future :-) Well said. You have my vote. I can't think of anything to add. I'm happily single. I'll be even happier when I get my finances in better shape, but what would life be if it weren't for challenges, eh?

Wnter137 said...

Thank you !!!!!!! Thank You !!!!! Thank YA !!!!!!! enough already.

RavensLady said...

Amazingly *blinks eyes in wonderment* I am all that you listed above (with a few exceptions) and *gasp* *shock* *awe* behold..I'm getting married in a few months....you know how tired I am of hearing: "well you must be different, or have done something different or (insert any other excuse here)"...really? How about I didn't listen to your woulda could shoulda about black women dating and this mysterious shortage of eligible black men *rolling eyes* and did what I've been doing, which is staying me? Say whaaattt...? *scratch a temple* Nope, no hoop jumping here. Go head 'Chele with your bad self!

Michelle Kendall said...

I want to hug this post. I'm an educated black woman married to *gasp* an educated black man. He's good looking, sweet, and my best friend. There was no dumbing down, no magic tricks, and no "rules" involved in us getting together. I was a divorced single mother in college, and he took me (and my son) just as we were with no expectations that we'd be any different to please him or his friends/family. Marriage wasn't my priority at all, but we got there anyway simply by virtue of being ourselves. And to tell you the truth I could have been just as happy living with him. Because that piece of paper doesn't change a thing. We are the same couple now that we were before the ceremony, and so many of these articles that are focused on getting married don't talk about having a healthy relationship in the first place. Or about the reality that some people are just happier being single.

ASmith said...

::sways::
Speak to my spirit, Lord. Speak.

No, seriously, I had a real church lady rock going on reading this. Why are you preaching this morning, Chele? Why?

As I keep thinking, I really want folks, ESPECIALLY NON-BLACK WOMEN to STFU and have a coke and a smile. GTFOH (how many acronyms can I use? Let's find out) with all that B.S. Idk who made us think there's a one-pill answer to this "problem" (maybe we oughta talk about whether or not this is an actual problem, first) but I want to choke the life out of that guy.

Real talk, (yes, I said it) the NEXT article/person/tv show/book/movie/song that says anything about the "Black Women Are All Going to Die Alone With Their Degrees and Money" phenomenon is going to get PUNCHED in the face. Truth is, there are all types of women who are alone and all types who are in relationships and I'm willing to wager that about half of each group wish they were in the other. Ain't no silver bullets, people. Not to mention, I like education and since they hand out these degrees every so many classes, I'm takin' 'em and I can't help it if those same degrees up your paygrade. SHEESH!

You know what's been illuminated for me lately, but especially in this post? Every "recommendation" made is typically of the "be anything other than you" variety. You've gotta be joshing me! What kinda effin sense does that make? Remind me why I want to look, act, talk and be like everybody else, again? Maaaaaannnn miss me with all that.

ASmith said...

#classic and #true

storm529 said...

Well said -- as always.

I just know that every time I see the new self-appointed relationship guru Steve Harvey on Good Morning America "selling" his so-called advice to black women on how to get a man, I cringe. I mean really, Steve Harvey? A twice (or his it thrice?) divorced man is now the expert on relationships?

I don't think so.

glamah@cococooks said...

One of your best post ever. Last night I was troubled by some of the very things you mentioned and the BS I used to get from so called old friends about all of this. Ironicly now that I have someone , and itslasted, they resent it. In the words of Wanda Skykes, I Gotta Be Me and if society doesnt like my situatuon or how I go about it tough. There is no formula for a perfect life other than being true to and liking/respecting yourself. Once that happens, all else falls into place.

OneChele said...

Thanks!

Steve said...

See? This is why I keep trying to holla, you are the baddest bitch in the game... I mean that with respectful awe and admiration. PLEASE get on a panel with Steve, Jimi, Toure and the like - you will ETHER! Speak your truth girl, speak it.

OneChele said...

Interesting point, I never even thought of the international scope. Well said.

OneChele said...

*waves and curtsies*

BB Waite said...

The reason this resonates is because it's unvarnished well spoken truth. There's a powerful connection between the truth and people that are hungry to hear it. Keep speaking it... we hear you.

OneChele said...

*fist bump* back atcha. I read your rant, you were justifiably provoked... I happen to love a justified rant (clearly). Lets you relax, relate, release...

OneChele said...

THIS.

Bailey Quincy said...

Okay - it's like can a sister live her life without the commentary? Please, may I?

maureen palmer said...

I wish you could post this on Wapo , NYtimes or LA times. A day does not go by without another study/statistic telling us what to do & what not to do. To quote VPOTUS from last health summit " i can't say i know what my consituents are feeling"

LeonX said...

One day there will be a discussion on black male-female relationships that won't consist of what's wrong with black men-black women. I sure hope so.

Jason P said...

Steve Harvey makes me ill... his entire schtick is this "good ole boy just here to help" please. Overall I'm not down for folks that tear you down to build you up again. That's bullshit... History has shown (and it IS Women's HISTORY month) that black women are THE survivors and caretakers of this planet. We must support them all, respect those that earn it and at the very least be nice to the rest.

OneChele said...

Hope we're still here to see it and applaud it...

RavensLady said...

Exactly...let's stop talking about what our relationships aren't and what they lack and start talking about what beautiful about them, what's strong about them and how they work.

Guest3210 said...

Well but the truth is they ARE problems and if we don't talk about them how will they be addressed?

midwestdominicana said...

Hating that I got to the party late. I think I did just "exhale" ha ha!! You. Totally. Rock.

I would like to say one more thing. Why do we need to "catch" a man? I suppose in terms of symbolism, we are all just Black Widow Spiders laying in wait for our prey, namely a husband? Come on....really?

It also reminds me of that mother hen in those old Foghorn Leghorn cartoons that had to catch a husband by resorting to tricks and rolling pin violence. Men are not some prized bull to be conquored and strung up or locked away to do our bidding. They are human beings who probably want the same regard and respect that women do.

It just irks me to hear people talking about "I need a man" , "I gotta catch me a husband", etc., etc. Yes, humans need love and affection and interaction, but you don't NEED a man to make you complete.

This post just brings up so many other social ills within our community. Each one of us is important and valuable and we all have something to offer. We are all worthy of being the best we can be. We all deserve to try our best and hardest for ourselves.

Others are important and they bring many different things to our lives individually and as a whole. Having a mate does enrich and enhance us in many ways (if you do it right).

Being single and educated and free to do your own thing is to be commended. You are developing who you are and building a confidence and foundation that makes you more of an asset than a hanger-on. You bring something immeasurable to the table. That's a good thing. Men want confidence just as much as women do.

I have to agree with Chele about the standards comment, too. WTH is wrong with having standards? All standards do not equate the requirement of having big bank rolls or particular clothing lables or automobiles or neighborhoods. Ambition, drive, intelligence, respectfulness, values and morality are all standards that everyone should expect from their potential mate. Those things have nothing to do with money.

So, I salute each and every single person out there who is doing their thing happily. It's not a death sentence and who says the "sell-by date" has to be your 20's or 30's? Some people don't grow up until they reach a much more mature age, and sometimes that ok.

If you want to get married, it can still happen. Keep building yourself up. Keep assessing who you are. Your answer may be right under your nose, just waiting for your "under construction" sign to come down. Don't put the nail in your own coffin. There are more people out there like you than not like you.

Just me! said...

Haven't read a single comment yet Bougie,

De-lurking just to say THANK YOU. You took the thoughts out of my head and the words out of my mouth! And the funny thing is, all dynamics in dating/relating/mating both on the macro-level and individually can unexpectedly change in a flash. Nothing stays how it is now forever, duh! I would encourage sisters to keep expanding, learning, being responsible for self, and evolving into the best you possible. That carries its own reward that can't be taken away from you--just as others' taking undue glee in statistics and using it to make themselves feel better or make mean-spirited commentary has its own inescapable karma as well. Peace.

N.I.A. said...

THANK YOU!! I am so tired of hearing about the perceived plight of the poor single, successful black woman. I'm a professional SBF, and I've never for a minute thought there was something wrong with me b/c I'm single. I'm over all of this, and I've been over it since Black In America I. Or was it that NBC Nightly news special a few years back? IDK...

Great post!! This definitely spoke to me...

Faith said...

While I can see your point to an extent and said so to you on Twitter, I wonder why this warranted a post. If I don't like a certain food I don't eat it. A tv show or movie I don't watch. I don't buy most "music" put out by rap recording artists. It does a disservice to black women who are being bombarded with negative messages to lump those of us sorting through the muck to shed light on a path away from all that together with the obstructionists.

Also and because I haven't read your previous book I didn't realize the subject matter, you wrote about a professional black women choosing to mate with a male that was beneath her class status & education because he was black and she was feeling the clock ticking. That is EXACTLY what those of us who seek to empower black women advise against!

Don't waste time on males with "potential" when you can marry up. Don't be the side piece or the sometimes girlfriend or the baby momma. It isn't about choosing exclusively by race either for or against black males but in choosing the best males available. By available I'm talking about about across all racio-ethnic categorization and those with values that are in line with the larger society.

The truth of the matter is a lot of black women with this fatigue and confusion (who aren't Caribbean or African) aren't seriously considering black men who aren't African-American anyway. So if you're going to write posts like this those that read it should also evaluate what purpose it serves. Either it's a reinforcement of the indoctrination or there's a direct impact to someone's bottom line. It has to be said because you specifically mentioned the projects of others who are making money. If more (hetero) black women were choosing quality mates regardless of race they would lose interest in your book if the plots are about women who give in to fear and settle.


Faith
http://actsoffaithblog.com

EMF said...

Let the church say AMEN!!!

OneChele said...

Hmm, well in my book the heroine did not marry down. She ended up with a successful double degreed architect and homeowner who owns his own business, he just happened to live in a part of town that was neither comfortable nor familiar with. But thanks for sharing your opinion.

AppleBerryMIA said...

It warranted a post as a counter-balance to a lot of the swirl out there. Chele is all about the empowerment, you may want to peep her post: http://www.blacknbougie.com/2009/12/claiming-it-in-2010-sisterhood-rises.html and actually learn her story, read her book before you knock it.

Andrea M said...

I know as the years tick on I feel that sense of pressure and urgency as if there is a countdown clock and I'm already behind. That's no way to date. Articles like yours remind me that it's all going to work out the way it was meant to be... one way or other. And BTW - let the record reflect, your book is fabolous. FAB!

OneChele said...

Again, it's not the talking - it's the talking to death. The re-hashing, the judging, the finger-pointing, the well-intentioned "help" - sometimes it's all too much input.

Angela said...

Good post! Good points, all of them. Like you said, every single woman could "point to a variety of reasons why she is single. But the individual narratives of black women's lives are not good press. And alright for being "self-aware of my own code of values, tolerance and limitations." As a commenter stated on average bro's post about the same issue, sometimes a sista's reasons for being single have more or as much to do with herself as they do with brothas. There were at least three "marriage material" brothas who scared the hell out of a younger me, and whom I walked (ran) away from. Who knows if any of those relationships would have succeeded, but the fact is, I wasn't ready to find out. Let us own our unique narratives and stop buying into this foolishness that the story of our lives can be told through the spouting of statistics.

mocha dude speaking said...

Men (unless they are father, doctor, lawyer or priest) should refrain from telling women what's wrong with them or how to fix their lives. IMHO
Great post

Angela said...

So confused about Faith's comment...what does any of it have to do with the very-on-point post, which references the current articles coming out of the media about black women's marriage prospects? I don't recall the post referencing the author's novel(s)?

Grace said...

I think she was talking about Chele's book (which she clearly hasn't read) and you know what... I have no idea what her point is. I thought this post was timely and it definitely spoke to me. That's all I require of a blog post.

J B said...

I really needed to hear this today....thanks, Chele.

Eye Candy said...

Let me add to the Amen chorus. Feel like breaking onto MJ's song - Leave Me Alone...
Enough is enough, just let us inhale for a sec before we worry about exhaling, aight?

Liselle said...

You are such a diplomat but you know I'm DYING to know what (or who) set you off. This was an inspired (controlled rant) sparked by something. Whatever it was, I'm glad for it. I just read the "dead with 20 cats" article and it made me weary. This picks me right up and allows a bit of a happy dance. Go head, girl.

ASmith said...

You don't think it's clear that there's a difference between people having a serious conversation about relationships (as is done on this blog from time to time) and "obstructionist" who preach hell and brimstone to women who don't conform to a very specific and contrite way of living and being?

OneChele said...

Thanks for de-lurking... I am a HUGE believer in karma as well. Karma is no joke. I try not to mess with. What song is that? "The things that you do will come back to you" - truth.

derek love said...

You are officially Big Time - got your first uniformed hater trying to steal shine from you below in the comments. Congrats girl! We'll be looking for you on Oprah next. Please remember to shout out BougieLand when you blow up... LMAO!

Hidi said...

Let me see. Hmmmm :) Why do society care what we do? It's none of their business. So what if she is single...it's her choice.. so what if she is childless...it's her choice. No black woman has to get married, lower her standards, dress in 6 inch heels, yada, yada, blah, blah to please society. Fudge society. I am sooooooooo tired of everything. There is absolutely nothing wrong with us; it's all hype. Yes, issues do exist but THAT IS LIFE and everyone regardless of creed, race, etc. has them. Geesh.

As for statistics..."There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies and statistics."-Mark Twain

I'm done.

Just Passing By said...

Ooo, I'm late. Missed all kinds of good stuff. Perfect way to end my day. Smartly written.

sunt97 said...

Wow I think that black women have been the topic for everyones blog in the past few weeks because it seems that is all I am reading. recently it was the article in the Washington Post that I think got everyone heated. You are right, we don;t need a guidebook and life is already stressful enough without having peopel tell you how you should be living it.

Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/

thewayoftheid said...

This is the post I've been too fatigued to write. A million effin' thanks.

Jara said...

Just...wow. You know the situation is horriterrible if Chele has to write a woosah post. Every time I see/hear some black woman-bashing, I will link to this post. Thanks for doing it for me.

Jara said...

Stats are only as good as the interpreter. While many seem to want to quote the "never been married" stats, few want to interpret it as more black women are unwilling to settle for just any ol partner just to be married. I see this as a positive. The media (and self-serving black men) often use this stat to act like black women are unfulfilled but it's obvious that these women are unmarried BECAUSE they chose a different path to fulfillment (usually the career/school path). That's a conscious choice. I would like JUST ONE interviewer/stat analyst to ask these women if they had to do it all over again, would they? Would they trade in their career success for a marriage (that is happy or unhappy)? In rewind-time, would they say yes to any of the proposals that many of us get while in college? Something to think about...

Jara said...

Oh and I LURVE THIS -> "STOP assuming we all want Barack ambition, Denzel smile, LL Cool J body, Kanye swagger, LeBron money and Idris vibe. I mean, that's nice and all but we know expecting one dude to have all of that wrapped up in one package is ridiculosity of the highest order. Most of us would be happy with someone we can trust, laugh with, talk to and ride out a crisis with your mutual affection and admiration still intact. We'll start with that every day of the week."

Jara said...

I would like to hear from more men and women who are in marriages that they enjoy. That would help me see marriage as more of a positive, fulfilling institution - rather than as getting the latest luxury car, envying my single status or tsking tsking that I haven't jumped the broom, yet.

Foxy Brown said...

i know i'm late but i was stuck in meetings all day yesterday, my bad. that being said, a-freaking-man! i am so tired of the black women bashing that has been going around. i call major bullshiggity! as a black lesbian, can i just say lesbianism is not the answer. if one more chick approach me talking about black men don't want her so she wants to try black women, i will kick her in the throat. we are not gay because we can't find a man. we are gay because we are not attracted to and do not want a man. we are not your alternative. we are not something for you to 'do' til you find a dude. gtfoh with that!

Jen said...

Amen.

melhopkins2012 said...

Thank you...

Someone who admires this essay posted this on www.facebook.com/relationshipplaybook...I'm going back to thank him right now!

nrperry71 said...

I'm glad you posted this. I will pass it around to the ladies... thx!!

storm529 said...

THIS.

Jessica Lynn Mosley said...

I just discovered your blog and it will be my new fave read of the day :)

Teacia said...

I saw this link from FB and gurrrrrl you hit the nail on the head!!! You would think that Black women were lepers with the way the media talks about us.

Thank you for this post lady, it's exactly how I was feeling but was unable to articulate. You have a new blog reader.

Imichel said...

Preach!!! And Preach Again!! Nuff said!

OneChele said...

Thanks and Welcome!

OneChele said...

You are welcome, thanks for coming through. Come back soon ;-)

Denise Bolds, MSW said...

Dear OneChele:

I have read this blog at LEAST 10 times!
I am asking you to please consider being a guest on my very successful blog talk radio show on Tuesday March 9. 2010 8PM
Thank you so very much for writing this dynamic piece of work!
Here is my link on BTR - Black Motherhood Empowerment: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/denise-bolds

MonieT said...

Thank you, Thank You, THANK YOU!!!!!!

BrownSkinBabyGirl said...

THIS!
I.LOVE.IT!!!

rudeboy said...

You are to be blamed

OneChele said...

Note to those new to BougieLand <--- yeah, I named my one small piece of the Blogosphere. While I love freedom of expression, I have low tolerance for nonsense. I respect the right to delete tomfoolery, self-promoting yada-blah and bilious spewings at my own discretion. Bouge Rule #1 - Bouge is Love ya'll http://www.blacknbougie.com/2009/07/bouge-is-love-yall-blog-rule-1.html

Vonmiwi said...

Great post, but this topic has been an issue in the 70's-80's-90's and now on into the 21st century. I guess every generation of women will have to hear this once they reach adulthood, believe me I've got the Essence and Ebony Magazines to prove it. It's a money maker when women are continually being told that there's something wrong with us and we'll never measure up unless we're married. The "cure-all" is not in a book, but in our hearts. Thank God that I've never believed this lie that I would be nothing unless I was married. I'm a divorcee and I enjoy my single life and people need to realise that most of us are either single by chance or by choice. I was independent before I got married and I'm still independent after the marriage ended. I've learned that my singleness is a testament to my sanity and not as some type of dysfunction- so my life is one that is fulfilling- one that is filled with contentment.

KINGREG24/7 said...

MY thing is this if you allow some one anyone to define you i think your a lost soul period male or female white or black. dam just be a strong black woman period live like the women before went through all they went through for a purpose which was to make you feel like the queens you are period regardless of who thinks what

LovelyParadox said...

That was my fave part as well!

anomaly said...

This will not end until black women stop complaining to ANYONE with a camera and microphone. White women spend a fortune every year on online matchmaking services, relationship seminars, workshops and books. This is not unique to black women. White women outnumber white men by almost 2:1 on college campuses. Black women will go on CNN, BET, NBC, ABC, CBS, PBS and anywhere else they can complaining about the scarcity of desirable black men. Enough. Please.

Bailey Quincy said...

Think you missed the entire point of the article.

tiffanyinhouston said...

@Bailey: Pretty much.

V girl said...

Well said. AMEN! Just shut up!

Denise Bolds, MSW said...

I am loving all of the comments - this one blog has inspired me to host a blog talk radio show on March 9, 2010 8-10PM EST called Man UP! Here is link and synopsis:
http://www.blogtalkradio.com/denise-bolds/2010/03/10/man-up-the-exploitation-of-the-black-woman-by-the-black-man
ENOUGH already! Today there is a avalanche of books, movies, blogs and the like developed by black men depicting black women as being: “hated, angry, conniving, combative, loud, destructive, full of attitude, over achieving,” and so many more negative connotations. Black men are making a PROFIT off of demeaning their black women. Black men chronically remain silent when the atrocities of black men are revealed. We black women get it – we are scorned, hated, attacked, blamed and abandoned by society and our black men. We black women also get the latest trend: black men marketing and successfully selling materials that place black women in a position of negativity in society. We will be discussing these products on this show as well as the Oscar nominated movie and the New York Times Best Seller book that was featured on Oprah. Black women are torn up and torn down, told to settle in relationships, demeaned incomplete, criticized for achievements and blamed for EVERY dysfunction of the black family by the very same black man that shared the space of the slave ship with the black woman. NO other ethnicity berates publically the black woman as the black man does to the point that the berating transcends society resulting is exploitation and negative stigmatization. In observance of Women’s History Month – Please join Denise Bolds, MSW author of Raising Princes to be Kings: A Single Black Mother’s Guide to Raising Her Black Son and special guests as we pull back the curtain and take the black woman out from under the bus where the black man has thrown her! GET READY TO BE EMPOWERED!!!!

denise said...

Amen sister!

keisha brown said...

I'm brand new (came to you from Essence which I really need to stop reading..but alas)....this like others have said is the article I WISH I had written. Couldn't have said it better myself.

OneChele said...

Thanks and welcome!

Acts Of Faith Blog said...

Well of course you can write any posts you want on your blog. I just wanted to know how this was going to help other women in a constructive way for the long term. Thanks for the clarification about your book as well. I did stipulate that I hadn't read it so if my assessment was incorrect I stand corrected - HAPPILY. But still black women are not in a position to think solely in terms of race of the men they partner with. Thanks again for responding.

thembi said...

I'm so good at being late, but I just passed this post along to the WWTD crew - thanks so much for saying everything that I didnt want to say for fear of throwing more fuel on the fire.

That said, I'm commenting on this specific comment thread because I will NEVER for the life of me understand the "who cares?" response to another persons writing. Really, what "warrants a post" is for no one else to say EVER. Many of us blog, and every single one of us have posted things with so few pageviews that its clear our thoughts didn't "warrant a post" but no one comments on that, only on pieces that the masses are actually impacted by and find significant, and whoever then questions the "need" for it either has a contrary opinion, wishes they had written it themselves, or are complicit in what is facing criticism. And specifically, Faith, I have to say that you kind of missed the point...in fact your own point, that being if you dont like something, dont read it! Your objection to anything Chele presents in this piece, or even the idea that the media has something on us that we don't know about ourselves and that black women had better keep their ears open and eyes peeled to learn from the crap thats out there to sort thru, is more of the same that Chele (and many of us) are fatigued by. Your opinion on the direction that black women should take on this issue and how we should discourse about it is just that - yours. This post is about addressing the mainstream media swirl that has become so troublingly distanced from our reality, not about providing specific solutions for women who actually give a hoot.

Again, Chele, thanks for putting these thoughts together!

Nikki said...

WOW!! Very well written...Amen, Amen!!

Miss Jae said...

Michelle, folks like you give me hope!!! Thank you!

Den said...

ITA thanks for writing this, being married or coupled is not an amazing achievement, it just is, being single is not a disease, it just is.

bc said...

THANK YOU!!!! Could you forward this to Jimi Izrael because he certainly needs to hear this. His book was awful and I'm ashamed to have read it.

msedna said...

msedna.com is my blog for empowering women in their quest to get married. I so appreciate your comments, as they are my sentiments as well. I couldn't have said it better myself!

MsSvelteNY said...

Amen.

ebwriter said...

Nice post!

ecthompson said...

Maybe the problem isn't successful Black women, maybe the problem is the Black men. I'm just saying.

soulsistah02 said...

Word up!

If and when we do decide to date outside of our race, which includes more than white men, it is out of compatibility, not desperation, rejection by our brothers and definitely not anger. Stop acting like dating outside our race is alternative and not a legitimate choice. Damn!

Lionel said...

I think that this comment belies the whole point of this article. While some of your comments have some merit, you do a grave injustice to black women and black men by shoveling the responsibility for oppressing black women on black men! For the black men who belittle and demean black women, there are many who lift them up and hold them in the highest regard as mates, mothers, educators, business women, family foundations, etc. I won't offer any solutions because, as the author points out, the failure and success of relationships are often dictated by the two parties involved, and nothing or no one else. But I will suggest, that we (black men and black women) have to come to a point where we aren't constantly firing shots at each other like we are entrenched in Gettysburg II...And I sincerely appreciate this Author, for voicing her viewpoint on relationships without "firing shots" at black men.

Vonda said...

Amen sista. I agree 100%

SouthernBelle44 said...

You too the words right out of my mouth! I could not have said it better myself!

YardieChicie said...

Now they're saying 48% of Black American women between 14-49 have genital herpes. Why don't they brand black women with the bio-hazard logo and be done with it?

Trudy said...

Great post. Truthful. Breath of fresh air....

SA said...

Anyone else catch the NYT and CNN article about inter-racial marriages and the poor educated single black woman? I wont lie, the NYT article got me very annoyed. I felt like screaming - "leave us the hell alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

sigh

It's me! said...

This was very interesting and seriously made my check myself saying "oh no, do I do this to my friends?" I am now back to just smiling and giving support. I even decided to stop playing cupid (even those some of my girls really do want a man). This is me falling back. Great blog!

Rosey said...

Thankyou for this post!

JaymeC said...

Aw, sookie sookie now! THAT's a Classic OneChele rant right there! Ladies and gents, she's back and badder than ever. Girl, take two weeks off and let me see what you come back with. My favorite line: Let them own that story, quit painting with the broad strokes... Our stories (that of the sisterhood) comes in all shapes, sizes and colors... I love this post.

Denise Bolds, MSW said...

Dear OneChele:

I have read this blog at LEAST 10 times!
I am asking you to please consider being a guest on my very successful blog talk radio show on Tuesday March 9. 2010 8PM
Thank you so very much for writing this dynamic piece of work!
Here is my link on BTR - Black Motherhood Empowerment: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/denise-bolds

Karen Caffee said...

Go'on girl! We can work out our issues (and 'ish) much better without the peanut gallery, who should be holding the mirrors and asking do they make this cut from Toni Cade Bambara: "The only proper mask to wear in life is your own damn face."

Rose M. Smith said...

Yes! I agree with you wholeheartedly on this article. I am twenty-four year old working professional who is one class away from having a Master's (thanking the Lord in advance), but the only thing a lot of a lot of people seem concerned with is do I have a boyfriend, and when I tell them I don't they look at me like I have the plague. Someone once told me, "If your waiting for prince charming to ride up a white horse, you better get real", so basically what the person was tellling me was that I needed to lower my standards, and settle with just any mate. Settling for me is not an option in any part of life.

Denise Bolds, MSW said...

Dear OneChele:

I have read this blog at LEAST 10 times!
I am asking you to please consider being a guest on my very successful blog talk radio show on Tuesday March 9. 2010 8PM
Thank you so very much for writing this dynamic piece of work!
Here is my link on BTR - Black Motherhood Empowerment: http://www.blogtalkradio.com/denise-bolds

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