We try not to judge here in BougieLand. (I don't always succeed but I do try) We give laser-beam side-eyes and call bullshiggity but how people choose to live their lives is their business for the most part and I say… good for them. I do, however; feel the need to share my opinions on certain things. One of those things being "open" relationships. During Mo'Nique's interview with Barbara Walters she shared that her marriage (to her third husband Sidney) is an "open" one. [The comment is around the 9:00 mark on the video embedded below]
By open, she means that both she and her husband are free to have sex with other people while still remaining married to each other. She feels like being attracted to someone else and acting on it is not a betrayal of the marriage vows and should not be considered cheating. Okay, let's pause for a minute to digest this. Let's move beyond the fact that she didn't need to share all of that with Barbara. Some things are best kept between you and yours. But again, we're stepping past that. Let me just say for the record, I call bullshiggity. It's one thing to say it but if Sidney was all of a sudden rolling random broads up and through her house on a regular basis – I have to wonder how that would work out. And what if he decided he was attracted to men? Would she still feel the same way? I'm just wondering.
Alright, I'll take it at face value. Maybe she's just that open minded and it's fine with her if her husband (with whom she took vows) shares the physical part of himself with another. Okay then.
As for me, Bougienistas? I. CAN'T. DO. IT. I cannot. Actually, I can't even conceive of it. I'm that girl who has "the conversation." The minute I think a relationship is headed in that direction, I have the "cheat on me and get cut" conversation. And I mean, I have it in depth. So there are no so-called misunderstandings later. I usually start off on a teasing note explaining that I am the third of four children and feel like I've shared enough in my lifetime. I have learned this lesson the hard way. I don't share men. Not even a little bit. Not for a weekend, a night, a mad moment of too much Sparkling Moscato. No sir. Not me. Not even the experimental threesome. I'm just not that chick.
I know sex isn't the end-all, be-all of relationships. However, I'm unable to separate the act from the intimacy. Some people can, I'm just not one of them. And if I am so blessed as to get married someday – well, I can only imagine that my intense feelings about fidelity will be multiplied. I'm old school. I still see marriage as holy covenant. "Let no man put asunder" and all of that. It seems like if you want to be in an "open" relationship that you don't really want to be married. But again... that's just me.
I'm opening the floor on this one. Would you ever have an "open" relationship? What about an "open" marriage? What did you think when heard Mo'Nique had discussed this with Barbara? Thoughts, comments, insights? The floor is yours, BougieLand…
55 comments:
I agree - some things are beter left between husband & wife.
I've been in open relationships pretty much my entire adult life and I would be in an open marriage. I'm a lone wolf and it just suits me better to have my freedom. And as far as my man taking beats from a next girl, it truly doesn't faze me. I don't feel like that's taking anything away from me and our relationship at all.
It's definitely not for everybody - or even for most people. But it doesn't deserve the derision it gets from the masses either (not you Ms. Black'n Bougie). I'm noticing a lot of flack from the internets lately about it. It seems a lot of people feel that a woman in an open relationship lacks self-respect, is insecure, is fooling herself, etc. It's just not as simple as that.
No, no way, not going to stand for it, nope, no can do, don't even think about it, not this woman, not in this lifetime.
As for Mo'Nique, I've never been a fan, so what she said pretty much seen par for the course in my opinion.
O_o...that and "do you boo" about sums it up for me, lol... as for me and mine tain't happ'nin'
You know we're >here< on this, right? I can't. To each his own, but this shan't be something I ever understand or get into.
I couldn't be in an open relationship, but I can dig it on a certain level. And in a sense, those early stages of getting to know someone can be considered an open relationship. However, once we get serious, you're mines (yes, mines) buddy and that's it.
Once we make a commitment to each other via vows, it's a done deal. We don't need to talk about it. If you need to have the freedom to go sleep with other people, then you need not be with me. I feel like OMs are cop outs and excuses not to dig in and make it work. #noshade to people who do it, but that's my take on it.
If Mo was comfortable putting that out there like that, then cool for her. I surely wouldn't have -- but you know the media prys because fans think we're supposed to know all the personal stuff.
I can't see how anyone chooses that path. Please don't call it a marriage...if it is open. Even polygamous folks frown on the whole open concept (and they are polygamous...anyway). I don't see the sense in it and I have tried to come at it from a devil's advocate stance. An open marriage's only purpose of being open is so the other party can freak with whoever they choose. For pete's sake stay single and freak around then. I can count on one finger (yep) the number of times that an open marriage has worked without one party being extremely hurt (most times the woman goes along to satisfy her mate).
People have justified this method by saying we need to take cues from animals...I say go and marry an animal, I am a human being why should I compare my make-up to an animal? Anyway, to the woman and man that condones this, more grease to your elbow. Me and mines are not going down that path, I am yet to see it work for anyone.
NO way Jose, I don't want to share a man period let alone a husband.......I don't think its about taking anything away from me, its about keeping marriage sacred, the marriage bed and all. Its about being ONE flesh with your spouse. Not multiple fleshes with any and everything you might find attractive, its about forsaking all others, we live in a time boy SMH
So you win for the best username. The usage of "bet" is accurate and pure perfection.
I feel made whole.
I cosign 100%. I am not for open relationship and marriage. Not at all. Once your with me, that's it. We are going to forsake all others. If you feel like being with someone else, then I will end the relationship. I just don't understand it. To each his own.
I am not surprise Mo'Nique discussed her "open marriage" with Barbara Walters; I felt it was inappropriate. What does an "open marriage" has to do with a Oscar??? 0_0
I am married. I love my husband. LOVE HIM. I understand he is human and he may see women that are attractive to him. But, we are not animals. We have free will and he is old enough to know he cannot have everything he wants. And I didn't get married to date and sleep around. I wanted to build a life with *this* man so no, an open married would not work for me.
Oops! I meant open MARRIAGE. Got a little too worked up.
Hahaha, this is a touchy topic for me. This was exactly what I said as I heard Ms Monique speak.
I can't imagine why she even agreed to speak on it.
This is some hot ghetto mess IMHO. That's not marriage, that's an arrangement. The sanctity of the institution continues to be torn down by casual acceptance of nonsense like this. Don't call it marriage if you don't understand what the word means.
I'm sorry to play this this card but I HATE that a black woman sat on TV and spouted this mess, I just hate it.
It's a hard concept to get a mind around, for sure.
A friend of mine says he is in an open marriage but only he is allowed to step out. Think that's called something else.
LOL - so that's a definitive no from you ;)
I'm an only child. I never learned to share. Period.
I wouldn't agree to an open marriage. As a single woman I would rather for a man to tell me up front where he stands in a relationship so I can make the decision for myself.
My least favorite thing about the media these days. They assume we want all the inside scoop. I really don't.
I think that's the other reason ths is making major waves.
We go from talking about a supposed black man shortage to talking about sharing the "few" that exist.
*FTR: That "shortage" is a myth. I need the 2520s to get off it. We shouldn't have ever opened that door though.
YO! That's the other thing...
There's an implication in what Mo"Nique said that he has stepped out. She's been clear that she hasn't, but I think he has and... I'm not saying she has to cause she can, but if she can stay inside why can't he?
I allowed myself to be talked into "trying" an open relationship with my ex. It was really his way of having his cake and eating it too. When I tried to do it, he lost his mind. So no, never again. No thank you. Not for me.
Someone was telling me there is nothing new going on right now, it's all been done before. I said true but now we see it 24/7/365.
I can't view the video *gosh darn work firewalls*, but I do remember MoNique giving another interview on this topic some years ago when they first got married. In that interview she did talk about "what if" her husband had sex outside their marriage....
Her position, as I understood it, was not that they had an "open" relationship... It was that sex outside of marriage was not a "deal breaker" for them. She wasn't saying that they would or should have sex outside the marriage, she was saying that if it happened she believed they could work through it as a couple.... And considering how many men/women stay in a relationship after their partner has strayed, I didn't find her position so shocking.
Is she REALLY now stating that they're in an open relationship????? Wow.......
Now you already know how I feel. For those that don't - I teach a class called The Marriage Pact. The number one thing in the pact is protecting the intimacy of the relationship - emotional, financial and physical intimacy. Before I get to preaching, I'll leave it right there.
Agreed. No reason at all to air this kind of laundry. Just feeds into the desperation stereotype.
Your pictures are always on point. Baby boy is fine as all get out but that's STILL a no. Or since I'm in the Big Easy now, that's a NEAUX thank you.
The only thing I will say on this subject is what some others have said. That information is something best kept in the family. Relationships are complicated matters. One could argue that we are animals and that monogamy not a natural state, but it sure is easier in the long run.
That was my question. What does your marriage have to do with your Oscar nom?
Sure it's called something else, hoedom.
I don't really care what she and her hubby do in private. Many couples do all sorts of freaky things with or without others involved but don't make it public. Could it be that they are both bisexual and she was doing a little advertising? Didn't I hear somewhere that Jada and Will are into the open stuff too? Hmmm...
Even though I love Monique, I too took issue with it. My unprofessional opinion is that she is looking for love and will except it any form it comes just like the person she played that accepted that her boyfriend slept with her daughter. People, white and black are desperate for this thing they think is love. True love my friend is so strong that they would not want to share their mate. Also OneChele I too have to cheat and get cut conversation. I don't play that if you cheat boo keep it moving.
Between Monique yelling entirely too much on her show and telling me her husband likes her furry legs.................. this doesn't even surprise me. I find it hard to believe that she is truly a-okay with her husband sleeping with other women. It sounds more like desperation and accepting whatever is thrown her way for the sake of not being alone. Believe me when you cross that marriage line the conversation goes from you cheat and I'll cut ya to you cheat, I'm the beneficiary on your policy and try me if you think you bad : )
These are one of those issues that for me falls under where my morality ends yours ought to start & vice versa. I just know how I'm built this "open relationship" will not work for me. And i'm going from the school of thought that "open relationship" means having sex outside our relationship (by the way this thought should scare most of us off our chair; statistics just came out showing 42% of black women or something close to that have herpes, never mind HIV AIDs #'s). I'm with trusting you SO, but what are goals of those kind of relationship?
By the way, I love Monique & how she chooses to run her relationship is none of my business.
None whatsover, but remember before an interview they do research on you & I'm sure that is one of the things she (Barbara) found out while doing her research.
I had forgotten about the furry legs... thanks for the reminder :-/ LOL
I saw this interview and I believe that Mo'Nique is truly cool with her set-up - or believes that she is...who knows whether she'll feel the same way if she's actually confronted with the situation (if she hasn't already been). How many times has she been married? 2? 3? By now, I imagine that she's learned whether or not she's okay with an open marriage.
I've heard Mo'Nique discuss other relationships while in the midst of them and she seemed angry - even though she was claiming to be happy and in love. Remember in Queens of Comedy when she made "jokes" about not being able to trust any woman alone with her man? Not even her mama? Or when she "joked" about doing any and every freaky thing her man wants in order to keep him happy? Yeah...she doesn't talk like that anymore. What she says now seems to be coming from her, not something that she's told herself that she wants in order to be happy. Then again, this might be yet another compromise in a long line of compromises that she seems to make to be with a man.
*shrug*
I'm a fidelity-trust kinda chick. I absolutely wouldn't stay with a man who cheated on me. But I've never had that conversation with any exes. Yet they were 100% sure that we'd be over immediately if they cheated on me. As a matter of fact, they were the ones who told ME that I wouldn't take them cheating. Men don't need to be told how we'll handle a situation. Many men will tell you that many women profess one thing but do another. They watch how we handle ourselves with them and others in our lives to predict if we really mean what we say (or don't say).
I agree 1000% with you . In any relationship I will be the "only one" not the "other one". and if that can't happen then you need to "kick rocks" But I have been given the "side eye" to Sidney ever since this "marriage" thing happened.
Now, there seems to be a whole lot of lying up in here, or the open crowd does not kiss and tell. I mean, given the fact that thousands of women share men, sumtin just ain't right. Maybe they don't have PC's or read Chele's blog?
I had to read all the way down to Maxfab befoe someone raised their hand.
What about this: 2 birds in the bush, is better than none in the hand? I'm just askin'
Then again, maybe it's not bougie to have 2 honey pots. Or, be the other Queen Bee? I had a woman tell me "It's just sex"
Do they still make you? Wrong audience. And no, it's not bougie to hand out two for one coupons. To each his own.
Chele - no thank you to the sharing. People would have you believe that it happen all the time and people are okay with but I don't know anybody who does or is.
Unfortunately, some men to need to be told. Or maybe some women need to say it. Either way, I'm also one who likes to state my expectations upfront. And like you, my definition of cheating is thought out and clear.
Careycarey2,
I'm not the type who enjoys disturbing the calm, but I'm taking BIG issue with your blanket statement that "there seems to be a whole lot of lying up in here..."
Excuse me?
You definitely don't know me and I would dare say that you probably don't know at least 99.9% of the women and men posting comments on this blog. So where do you get off calling us liars?
I am absolutely fed up with people marching themselves into a conversation and when they read or hear something that doesn't correspond to their vision of the universe, then everyone else must be lying.
Now unless you are some rare psychic with a phenomenal talent for spotting untruths and deception {and that skill has been proven beyond all shadow of a doubt to be 100% accurate}, how about extending to us the same respect that has been shown to you!
MoNique came out with this news in 2006 and I guess no one was paying any attention until "Barbara WaWa" bought it up again and now that she's officially gossip fodder it's still a hot topic. Tilda Swinton, another Academy Award winning actress has talked excessively about her open marriage and we don't hear a bleap about it. I'm not going judge any of them because it's none of my business. Some folks are in "open marriages" but just don't realise it and are often in denial about it.
FIVE STARS! TWO THUMBS WAY UP! DITTO DITTO DITTO!
First, you shouldn't have taken it personally! If it didn't apply to you, don't put the shoe on. Case in point, look at what you said: ..."I am absolutely fed up with people marching themselves into a conversation and when they read or hear something that doesn't correspond to their vision of the universe, then everyone else must be lying"
Do you see how you are contradicting yourself? Also, didn't you notice how I qualified my statement? So, although you said you don't like disturbing the calm, I think the calm rests in your heart.
More importantly, as in the theme of Chele's prior post, sometimes things that make us the most uncomfortable are exactly what we need. In this case, like others have suggested, my comment was more about thinking outside the box. It had nothing to do(whatsoever) with you! Unless of course, you felt offended, then again, the question is why? The answer remains at your feet.
In short, read my comment one more time, I did not say everyone was lying.
But hey, I understand, my comments (although submiited in jest) can be misread. And my approach is strong, please excuse me. However, I think my words were emulated by others such as Vonmiwi Culvera's. Yet, they were said in a softer fashion.
In discourse/argument, there's the nays and the yahs. somewhere in the middle there's answers for both. Thank you for forcing me to think a little deeper. If we all agreed on every issue... then hey, what would be the purpose.
[CareyCarey]"Do they still make you"
Now that's a good question. I'm going to use that one. But really, although I think I know what you are saying, splain that to me. maybe you were being slick, in a snide way? But it was good and it was slick. Yes, to each his own, I agree.
"Wrong audience"
That's why I love stopping by. I don't make my lunch here, but sometimes Ineed to touch my female side *lol*
I love to see how females feel and think. Basically, I like to listen to their thinking process. They say women think/love from their heart, and men from their eyes. In some cases I'm finding that to be true. Men can be emotional-less jerks. Wouldn't you agree? Then again, emotions make you cry sometimes (stole that from an old jam), and they can lead you in the wrong direction.
I'm not buying it. I get the feeling that Monique is lying to herself and that the marriage is one of convenience and comfort and she's taking that open marriage bit as part of the package. Maybe they struck up a deal between them who knows....but what woman doesn't want a man that they are truly in love with to be faithful and monogomous to them?? I think she's coming out with this so if the public catches him with someone else (man or woman) she can say it doesn't matter because she was cool with it anyway. I'm not saying I'm right but that's just my two cents.
When her and her husband were on the red carpet the other day and she leaned over and kissed him on the lips he had the funniest look on his face almost like "you know we don't do that"...I was like wow.
Those saying that we should take our cues from animals should realise that quite a number of species are monogamous for life. Not for the duration of mating season, but til death do they part.
Wonder what they'd say then?
Hell, Chele, I want to go 85 minutes with someone I actually like.....a woman can dream.
Congrats to the couple!
um lemme think about it...NO. i wish someone would come at me with the idea of having an "open" relationship. I'd look at him and say, "crack is whack" because that is what he would have to be one to say this to me. If you are feeling hte need to sleep with other people, then don't get married. I'm sorry when folks say that it doesn't bother them and it works, I feel like they are just putting on. How can anyone be ok with their mate having sexual relationships with aother, then come home to you and get into the same bed like nothing is wrong. I don't think so!!!I bet men love the idea for themselves but if their woman actually goes ahead and gets herself a man, I guarantee he'd have an attitude. Sometimes I think that women are too accepting of things to keep a man. Not this one.
Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com
when your with a man who loves you how does that feel? Now imagine it times two. There are many facets to me that one person cannot and should not attempt to understand, its one of the reasons women form many friendships, we have our Bouge friends, the around the way friends and the people we call when we want to have a good time only. Sometimes these friends can be in all the categories and sometimes you have friends that just stay in only one category, all of this to say no matter how well your partner knows you they still dont GET all of of you. There are several types of non-monogamy, there open relationships, there arre triads (as described above) and the concept can go on and on. In my relationship we are a closed triangle, meaning its just the three of us in our relationship. My partners are my best friends,in some ways we each have what the sother seeks in a "perfect" partner with one i can be a complete "girly girl" and not feel that there is anything wrong with it and with the other i can be the girl that goes camping, and can shoot better than he can (just don't tell him i said so) and sometimes i switch and i get twice the love twice the work of being in a solid relationship cause there is a lot of talking (a whole lot of damn talking) we have set our boundaries and made our commitments and we honor them as if it were two partners instead of three, its NOT for everyone but it can work if the people involved are adult enough to really make it work. It shouldn't be done to "save" a relationship because the problems there before will still be there, i still love and trust my man and work at being a good partner there are just two men i have to love and trust. Its not for you but just to point out its not new in this world it is however experiencing a resurgence in the main stream the term "Husband" was a generic term which was used by the person making the most or bringing the most to the relationship, but when patriarchy took over it changed to the man being the husband, it also states within the bible that as long as a man can love his wives without favoring one over the other and can honor them with love then its allowed, just think King Solomon, who was richly blessed by God (even with all his wives and concubines)
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