WARNING: This post is NC-17. Those of you offended by sexual references (and any family members who read this), my apologies. Truly. But I couldn't edit. I really couldn't.
Subtitled: Great Sexpectations…
For the purposes of this post, I'm defining sexpectation as the expectation that sexual activity will occur within the 24-hour period following some other activity between two people.
It was after five pm on Friday evening when a male friend of mine (no more no less) called to say he'd had a fight with his date for the evening. We'll call him Sam. Sam and date were supposed to go see the Ludacris/Black Eyed Peas convert in a few hours' time. Did I want to go instead? Now I wasn't all that psyched to hear BEP sing repetitive anthems for an hour but I will go listen to Luda any day of the week. Lest you get to side-eying me, let's review Bouge Rule #6: You can be bougie and hood but not at the same time. I love me some Luda. Dirty South ya'll...
Moving on. I told him I'd love to go and we made arrangements to meet at a specified time and place. So I was contemplating cute jeans and a cute "but I'm not dating him" top [no cleavage] from the closet when I received a call back from Sam.
Sam: How about dinner too?
Me: Sure, I just finished eating but I will grab a drink while you eat.
Sam: Are you sure?
I paused to make sure I didn't miss something then said: Dinner, drinks and a concert sound fine, why?
Now a pause on his end, then he said: Okay, I'll text you back details in a few minutes.
We hung up. I wondered if maybe his date was back on and he wanted to take her or if something else was up that I was just missing. Then, in typical Michele fashion, I shrugged it off and contemplated the proper heel height to walk up and down concert steps, stay in for a few hours and be cute without limping at the end of the night. I was in the middle of wondering if I could still get away with boots even though it was 76 degrees outside when the BlackBerry buzzed. I glanced at the text; it had a restaurant name I was familiar with not too far from the concert venue. I typed back: Got it.
I was firing up the curling iron when the phone buzzed again. I read the text, blinked and read it again. The words didn't change. This dude, who I have been purely platonic friends with for quite some time, went all the way left.
His text: You do realize that we are f***ing tonight, right?
[Let me let you re-read that. I'll wait.] I answered: Are you joking?
Sam: We're getting it in tonight.
Me (perplexed): Excuse me?
Sam: Most definitely. Or are you more the type to make love? LOL
Me (still confused): No LOL at all. Where is this coming from?
Sam: 1) Because we can and I'd like to 2) I'm spending a lot of money on you tonight and 3) Why not?
Me (not happy): So any female you invite to this concert is required to "show appreciation"?
Sam: Not required to, expected to.
Me (typing furiously): Ninja please, it's a concert and a cocktail. Not a trip to the Caymans and canary diamonds.
Sam: Is that your price? You wanna go to the Caymans? You need diamonds?
Me (done): Price? Boy bye. Enjoy the concert.
Sam: So you're not coming?
Me: Not.
Sam: Sure I can't make you come tonight?
Me (mean): Probably not on any night.
Sam: Try me.
Me: I'll pass.
Sam: That's a no to everything?
Me: That's a no. To everything.
Sam: Your loss.
Now since then he has called to say he "may have been out of line" and to disregard. Really? Ya think? Here was my issue: Though I would have been surprised because we were always firmly in the "friend zone", I would not have been offended had he asked me or made a move, I was offended that he expected it to happen. Like it was owed to him as payment for a drink and a concert ticket. I was heated.
Have brothers gone back to "pay for play" status in the dating game? Or has it always been there and I just missed it? Just as a drink in the club will not necessarily net you a dance, dinner and a concert guarantees you only a "thank you for inviting me".
Now, let me say this as far as the Caymans go. If we are in a committed intimate relationship and you take me on vacation, yes – you have an expectation of a l'il sumthin' sumthin'… this I understand. No woman says yes to an overnight trip with her man (especially a beach destination) without understanding that there are sexpectations involved. Grown folks know what time it is. If a woman is not interested, she should not take the trip. Period. I mean it, ladies. Don't be hopping on planes to Miami and Aruba thinking twin beds and a kiss good night. Just sayin'.
Fellas - I'm not even saying that your sexpectations may not get fulfilled. It could happen. But know your audience. Don't apply one-drink-hit-it-in-the-club sexpectations to a five-date-if-you're-lucky girl. Okay, I recognize that I'm old-fashioned and don't care what's hot in da streetz. I'll let you all weigh in and let me know if I'm completely clueless:
Am I wrong? Isn't the sharing of the good-good a privilege, not a right? And if you are trying to purchase it, isn't that an entirely different kind of transaction?
Ladies – have you been the object of a man's overt sexpectations? What are your thoughts on that? And in this age when sometimes women are the breadwinners, is there reverse sexpectation going on? Are women paying to get the services rendered these days? And is a sexpectation after a date better or worse than a booty call?
Fellas – Is there a dollar limit on the "pay for play"? I mean at what point do you expect an ROI (Return on Investment) - $5.00, $100.00, $500.00? What if it's not money but time you invested? Are these sexpectations different depending on the status of the relationship? Are third date sexpectations different from six-years-married-on-a-Saturday-night? Do share. And feel free to be as brutally honest as you can.
The floor is yours…
UPDATED: Here's a response from Mr. Inkognegro on his blog.
123 comments:
Y'all aint Friends. Not REALLY. I BARELY know you and I KNOW thats not how you roll.
full response coming.
This fool was just rude. Its one thing to think these things and never say them but he actually texted you to tell you that you will be sleeping with him that night. SMH. You were right to cancel the date. I would have reacted the same way.
Oh, wow. HIS loss for sabotaging a friendship with you over something so completely outrageous. I'm totally with you on the sexpectations principles. I've never been hit with the ROI thing, but definitely the overly (and unnecessarily) confident "When I see you, we f--king" thing, in which case, dude wasn't allowed to see me. Even if money spent isn't discussed explicitly, I believe that's the underlying sentiment--pay to play. That said, some of our sistren send the message that this kind of behavior is acceptable with the, "Don't expect to get none when you haven't even ____________ (fill in some costly activity or purchase here)." But as you said, a man should know what type of woman he's with and not act like we're all the same.
He needed to get kicked in his immature taint. Might have been why the other girl bailed...just sayin'...
Well hell, let me speak some truth. First, he was wrong coming at you greasy when ya'll didn't get down like that. BUT if you and me dating and vibing and I just dropped three hun on dinner, parking, concert, drinks and whatnot... in my mind I'm thinking I get to see you naked.
Let's not be naive. This is how it works. Men work to impress you enough to take you out, sleep with you, be your friend, marry you. This often manifests in the man spending time and money.
I've had a strictly platonic friend who had a great sexpectations just because I invited him over for a blockbuster and pizza night. I went downstairs to get drinks, and when I returned this fool was butt naked laying on my couch!
I think this begs an even bigger question, can men and women ever truly be JUST friends?! GOSH!
(just in case you're wondering how blockbuster night went, that buster was fully clothed and on his way home before the previews went off).
We get we paid for the date but we did that to get the drawers. If you let me smash without the dinner and concert mo betta babe. And if you on that extra Cayman cunanny, damn sho betta be worth it.
What you think we help you move, wash your car, come by with dinner to TALK?
Did he forget who you were....? O_o
Just Damn!!!
I had to reread this three times just to make sure I had it right. Guy calls you and invites you out to a concert. You didn't call him, he called YOU! Am I right so far? You say yes, he then suggests dinner and you reply, I've already eaten, so I'll just have a drink. I'm still on course, right? And from that, this Ass Clown then expected you to jump into bed with him out of some deep sense of gratitude?
I know there are plenty of trifling, desperate women giving up the panties for a couple of dances at the club and a Happy Meal afterwards. But a smart man knows the difference between that sort of female and a real woman!
Count me in as being old fashioned, turn of the century, old as dirt, snobby, whatever! A real man handles the sexpectation with class, respect and understanding. And he sure as he** doesn't text it in such a vulgar manner.
This fool was out of line in every possible way and I wouldn't even call him a friend after this.
LMAO! Are you speaking English?!
*clears throat uncomfortably* Um - we do assume that at a certain point naked good times will happen. MOST guys know which girls are hit-n-quit and which ladies are relationship material.
Young fellas on that pay-to-play nonsense.
Your boy hitting you with the clarification text? Desperation move. Last minute shooting from mid-court kind of move, hoping for a swish. It went clunk. His bad.
I'm at a loss for words. Can I ask how old he is? I don't think there is any time when a person should 'demand' sex from another. This is what he was doing - not wishing, not asking, but demanding. He is definitely NOT your friend.
Just to play devils advocate... if he hadn't demanded it but made a decent move at the end of the night - that would you have done?
I only asked because I wonder if he figured that the end result would be the same so why not take the most direct path.
His approach was sloppy.
Wow! Is it really that bad. He offered all of the evening to someone he only knew as a friend, but still had the nerve to "sexpect" a lot. He forgot to consider the fact that you did know that this evening wasn't even planned specially for you.(Which would generally kill the chance of sexcapades any way.) I agree that he obviously didn't think about what type of woman he was dealing with.
Cosign. One of my pet peeves right now are the women making it clear that they are swapping the goodies for bills paid, dinners bought, etc.
Awwwww hell to the naw!! First of all, he called you on some last minute shit, you weren't planning to eat and he didn't even offer to pick you up (you may not have wanted him to anyway) and he wants some ass?? WTFH??
He is a walking #FAIL. I hope he stays in a perpetual state of blue balls. Someone that stupid should stay out of the gene pool!
Maybe it is just me, but there really is not expectations going in to any date. As a male, what I want or don't want is irrelevant. I learned a long time ago, it is up to the woman, and there is nothing in the world that will sway her mind. If I am prepared to invest time and money in the woman, than it will take as long as it takes. Same thing goes with being married or dating, if the woman isn't having it, oh well, nothing I can do.
And for the record, that dude is a chump. Sorry to say, but that is a bush league move.
a weaker brawd would have accepted that bs, thats why he hit you with it TBW, it must have worked somewhere before a time or two and sadly alot of women would give it up for alot less. these are the times in which we live. Women with standards are too much work for alot of men, they on the next one who is willing for nothing, pretty much.
I have had this happen. I went to a friend's house. Watched a movie. No PHYSICAL contact whatsoever. I went to the restroom before I was planning to head home. I come out and this fool is butt booty assed nekkid, wrapped in a sheet like a burrito. I hastily exited, stage right.
Someone let him get away with that text for sex move in the past and he decided to try it out on you. Effin' shame because now you are gonna side-eye the next guy who tries.
Definitely JV move.
I thought the same thing. Other girl issued the same "no thank you"
Dude went straight Biggie & R.Kelly on you. I don't know if I would have even responded to that way out of pocket mess.
He should have set his game up before he spent the loot then he wouldn't have been ass out scouring his Bberry last minute dates.
OH BUT HELL NO! This is why he obviously stays losing. Never presume the ill-na-na is yours for the taking. Ever.
OMG I have had the same thing happen to me! Is this standard operating procedure for some dudes?
I'm sorry, I can't forget about this part: "Now since then he has called to say he "may have been out of line" and to disregard." Are you EFFING SERIOUS???
Fellas, after a fail of such epic proportion, how do you even have the stones to call BACK???
Good points FA. For me, it depends. It's not based on $$$ but evolution of relationship. If I think we're at that point and we're feeling each other, I'm going to make a move. If a woman is willing, she'll let you know.
By make a move, I most definitely do NOT mean texting a tacky-ass sex ultimatum. WDDDA?
Yes, I believe he did.
Yikes maybe he had a cocktail that was laced with something before he went all the way left...whatever the reason he had some GALL to call back and say he "MAY" have been out of line. I truly think he was in totally in the WRONG line for him to go this far left. Maybe the chick he was supposed to go out with dismissed him for the same reason...what a mess. You were right in sending him on his way.
LOL at the Happy Meal! (Funny, sad but true!)
while homie's comments veer to the rude side...i think for a lot of guys, there is some sort of expectation of something, possibly affection, when we come out of pocket. this may be a newsflash, but the overwhelming majority of men don't like spending 100-200-300 bucks on a lady, just to 'be friends'
but hey, it was wrong, dont go, continue doin' what works for you *shrug*
Exactly. The smart men know what is cracking and how to make the move. I just understand how someone would think that is a good idea from jump.
Ya'll need to quit actin' brand new knowing you giving it up for a glass of wine and a Luda ticket. C'mon now. Ninja's problem was telling you in advance. Punk move.
Great sports analogy, he was putting up bricks for real.
wowowowow. I can't believe that. was he smoking crack?! high off of something to just come at you like that? and he sent it in a text--why not make his expectations clear when he had you on the phone? he know that was out of order, that's why. you were absolutely not wrong for handling it the way you did. I'm flabbergasted.
CHURCH! You know this. But ladies gotta play.
34 years of age. He knew better... or he should.
Once I hit the $200 mark, I'm expecting some form of thank you that involves getting my d*** wet. Sorry. You asked for truth.
Whoa. He wouldn't have said that to you if it hasn't worked with other women before. Your 'friend' is super crass. Hell, as best we know the other chick may have canceled on him because he said the same thing to her.
I have had someone do this to me. Well, he offered me a trip and when I specifically said there would be no chex, I never heard anything else from him about it. He was/is an old dirty man. Meanwhile, another man (my age), and I did go on a trip and it was clear before, during, and after that the only thing I was offering was my pleasant personality. He was cool with it.
I think the pay-for-play thing is something younger men do OR something older men do to YOUNGER women. Or at least that's how I've seen it.
Wow. I cannot believe homeboy just came right out with it like that.
Honestly I don't even fault him so much for the expectation - sorry sexpectation - as for his approach. Not that I think he had a right to expect sex from you in this case, but in some cases I do think it's a fair expectation. But he getting all raw dog on you like that is just disrespectful. And weak. What - he was afraid to make a move so he thought he'd just bully you into it instead? Jerk.
Stay at home, get some Jergen's and get with Mary Palmer. That won't cost you a gotdamn thing.
SMH. I'm sure he has done this before, and he thought it would work on you. Some silly girl in the past just laughed it off, then ended up with her panties off at the end of the night. Highly inappropriate...
I do believe men and woman can truly be "just friends" though I too have had a male friend pull a "surprise, I'm naked" move. Maybe some brothers just have to TRY!
The delivery might be harsh, but this is something my daddy told me a long time ago. If you're a half way attractive girl/woman/lady, men, for the most part, aren't playing friend because that's all they ever want to be. One of my best friends (known him for 25 years) completely agreed with my dad. And with 96% of my male 'friends', they have tried in one way or another. The other 4% of them are gay. LOL
Interesting concept but not buying it. Believe it or not there are some men that women have no intention of getting naked with... ever.
It is coming across like you don't think women don't spend money too. Both parties are coming out of money unless you're spending $300 on some dusty woman. Hair (at least weekly), nails, shoes, clothes, moisturizer, good foundation garmets, make-up, exfoliation, those things add up to MORE than the $300 you're spending on dinner.
I get it now. You are one of those "low-hanging fruit" brothers. You just pluck the easiest thing out there to make you feel like you are doing something.
Hell will freeze over twice and Jesus will ice skate on brimstone before A QUALITY woman shares her cookies for wine and rap... or with you for that matter.
Which is why you need to stick to whatever you get. I suggest you stock up on penicillin, you're gonna need it.
lol wow the nerve of him. This reminds me of a blog I wrote on how to get out of obligatory sex lol..mine was more in jest tho.
He's your typical, think women should be pressed to be around him because he is male, male. Men, I am finding, tend to believe that they are doing US a favor by taking us out and being around us.
My cousin recently went thru this with a platonic male friend. He took her out and kinda "expected" her to want to come to his crib afterwards..then try to say he didn't want to hump..whatever, why else would she come to your house at 11 pm on a work nite
I will never be able to eat a burrito again and not burst out laughing at the memory of this comment! LMBO!
I can't stop laughing at how silly and bold this brotha was. No I don't think there is a 'pay for play' system in place. If you want ROI deal with a pro. Otherwise...SMDH
@Man's World: What you said may be true for you, but honestly - do you ask a woman out and say as a caveat "BUT - you also must get naked and do me, okay?" This guy had no class, was immature, and could have had something great if he wasn't being such a turd. Maybe he needs a reality check or some friends that could tell him that it is not how it's done. Unless his friends are like that too...wow. Just sayin'...
I'm trying to read through the comments to gauge the tenor of the conversation, but there are just too many and I just ain't got that kind of time. But please allow me to say this. I have never taken any woman on a date and spent any amount of money on her and ever expected sex in return.
Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I've always taken a woman out because I valued her company and desired to spend a little time with her. Besides, usually those depending on their wallet or their credit card for a little lovin', must be severely lacking any type of talk game. Or at least that's what I was taught coming up.
But if you are man who thinks this way, let me give you some advice: get you a hooker. You see, if you take a woman out and spend gobs of money on her with the expectation of getting some, there is always a chance that you might crap out; the odds always go in favor of the house. With a hooker, the odds are 100% in your favor unless you are just so unlucky and gameless that you happened to get robbed by her pimp.
And if you are a woman accepting expensive dates and thinking you have to put out because of the amount of money spent on you, do this. Go ahead and get whatever money he is planning to spend on you right up front and then just give him some. Then take that money, buy you some ramen noodles and find a good movie or concert on pay-per-view, and then keep the change.
First things first....I would have asked dude why he had an argument with his original date and why she cancelled. His response to that question would have told you everything you needed to know about where his head/thoughts were. When I was reading your post, that is the first thing that popped into my mind.
His behavior is sooo boorish, rude and unbelievable!!! It used to be that gentlemen took a lady out to enjoy the pleasure of her company. Things seem to have deginerated to the point that if a man buys you a Coke, he is expecting to "get it in."
He didn't even at least try to prefix "getting it in" with a little romance...he just issued a blatant announcement. UGH!!!
First off let me just say WOW!!!!
Secondly, that may be all he was looking for....There may have been no more conversations after that. Most men in the 30 something arena played those games a long time ago and sex has more meaning. Pussy is easy to get, so if he came at you like that he thought yours would be an easy one to get too. If a man is looking at the long term and not just a fling he takes his time. Even make a concerted effort to wait to have sex, because sex clouds things. In my current relationship, that is what I did......I waited.....I made sure that this is a woman I want to be with....can I make this woman my wife......(BTW the price was waaaaaayyyy over $500.00 by then) Before we had any sexual contact........I think she may have expected it sooner.
I said all of that to say......If he came off like that, then he expected that you were that kind of girl..... Good for you to move around......there will be a MATURE man seeking his wife that will wait to be sure you are the one before attempting anything like that. You are priceless!!!
Another thing....this brother needs to be blocked from your contacts, ALL OF YOUR CONTACTS. Block his cell number, email, etc. You don't have time for a person who has so little respect.
The silent NO is the loudest NO of all.
*blink* He laid out the cash and called her when his ORIGINAL date bailed. BnB wasn't obligated to do a gotdayum thang. Neither was the original date. If a dude wants to spend money for ass, go to the point and buy a hooker. Stop playing.
You wrote..."Maybe I'm just old-fashioned, but I've always taken a woman out because I valued her company and desired to spend a little time with her." Thank you.
I have been out of the dating scene for quite some time (married 17 years) but there was a time when a man called you, asked you out, paid, etc just for the pleasure of your company. I hear from many single women with similar stories. A man buys them a drink and they expect serious sexual favors! The somewhat humorous thing is that he didn't have the nerve to ask her verbally, he had to hide behind a text message. Whatever!!
Dude if you lay out 200 of your dollars to show me a good time, that's on you. I ain't got ta do shyt but enjoy the entertainment and the company.
No sir, there will be no pay for play. IF I share the cupcakes, a man should consider that the gift and treat that it is. There are no guarantees. I gave Hubs the side-eye last night rolling over all amorous at 3:00 am... not feeling it. Roll over and go back to sleep, maybe tomorrow. And we have been married for 18 years, I love, adore and desire him and still gave him a rain check.
Intelligence?! We like you.
Ya'll too bougie for me, probably why half ya asses can't get a dude. You gotta give it up sometime. It needs to be before I spend hundred of dollars on you. You can't be THAT fine.
Okay, I was trying to respond to each person individually but ya'll went IN today. Take no offense if I don't keep up but do know I'm reading them all!
Like we don't recognize the minute it goes from cool night out to booty call? FAIL.
Don't come out if I can't get in, ladies. That's real.
chicks kill me with that BS.....if you been blueballsin the man for all that time and you know you associate wit him cuz you attracted to him...why lie??? AND WHY ACT BOUGIE just cuz a nigg jokingly brought up something that should be expected. shesh i'm happy he did it so he wont be wasting resources on you for years while he expects sex or a romantic connection while you just humpin someone else and using him cuz the guy you humpin dont wanna take u in public....typical female
you sound like a guy that females gold dig on all the time.
Look everyone. It's Riley's long lost twin!
I've been checking the comments to this post and have been trying to come up with something to say, but I really can't. I've never taken a woman out with expectations of sex right away and I never will. The idea is so far out and so stupid that I can't really absorb it.
I will say this off-topic about Bougie Rule #6. It really doesn't apply when it comes to Luda at this point of his career. He is completely over with most people. Going on tour with BEP just means he's trying to get what Richard Pryor called "the crossover bucks." http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=udomqgvsHB4
Okay, 65 comments before noon! OneChele, this is a new record.
2 cents before I browse: 1)Dude is wrong because he was planning on taking his girl in the first place and apparently got mad and thought he could "make a quick profit" on you for what he spent on the concert. 2) WTH is up with blunt (read rude) sexual requests through texts?!! Not enough balls to say it out loud? 3) I think the only expectation that should come with dating a NEW person is that you leave the evening knowing more about that individual, and IF there is a connection, feeling closer mentally or emotionally until that attraction and connection culminates into something physical. If that happens first, second or eigth date, so be it, but it shouldn't depend on how much money is spent (by the man or the woman). You don't date without expecting to spend some money (again, man or woman — Dutch or woman pays the tab occasionally should be an option in this economy, money is tight).
ps thats not a booty call and maybe he enjoyed her company so much that he didnt want it to end....typical female.... it takes alot before he can fuck....you gotta take off clothes...gotta do some form of affection....gotta even drop ya pantys....now why cant you be responsible enough to be around a guy no matter where it is....ps if he decides to rape ya....screaming??? or even tellin him he raping you....in a calm voice...thn go to the police afterwards if screaming wont work.....typical female
easiest??? why do chicks come on here actin like they virgins or they didnt have questionable sex ever.....most the chicks out here thats single been trying to get a man for a while....their sex life is like a car that wnt start.....get in the car.....try to crank it up....no happs....so they keep turnin that key til it cuts on....aka be single.....focus on a man....fuck him...it not work out......try again
Some of the ninjas below missed the ENTIRE point and clearly have to pay to get any at all.
Personally, I like women. I want them to like me. So if it takes 20 dates and 1000s of dollars... so be it.
skyywalker i've been that guy to do stuff for chicks....who dont want to be a relationship at this point in her life.....and give up the coochie or sex signs once or twice....but then have you waiting months while i expected to be growing while she faked and used me for everything she could.....all she did was bait and hook me then used me til i stood up...1 year later
so if she called him for a date....he coulda expected sex????
i know how that story goes...hey boo since u invited me you gotta pay n plan.....well i plan on some sex mofo
Ohhh wow, I see Riley's brothers, cousins, uncles and friends decided to visit the blog today and leave their very enlightened comments. :-)
It's precisely because of Riley and Co's responses here, why I have a policy that when I first meet a guy, we're going 100% straight down the middle halves for at least the first 3-5 dates. I'm paying for my meal, my ticket to the movies, my entry to the club, my bar tab and I'm driving my car. I don't want any mixed signals, misunderstandings or dashed expectations.
If the relationship lasts beyond 5 dates, then at that point, I'll willing to switch up and pay for dinner for both us on one date and he can pay for the movies or club. Next date, the dinner is on him and I'm paying for the club, etc.
I'm not expecting some guy to spend his entire paycheck on me. Even if we're married, there is a well establish pattern of sharing the bills and expenses between us the two of us.
Hey, welcome to BnB. We appreciate your comments and viewpoints but some of your responses below got WAY out of hand what with the "f-bomb" and rape talk. We don't play that round here. Feel free to call me any and all manner of Bougie... I'll own that but comments like those will get deleted. Thanks for coming by.
Men will do whatever you let us get away with. It's not right but the only reason dude assumed you were gonna get down with him is because some other chick let it happen. I'm not that old but when I was in my early $20s that pay to play thing made alot of sense. As you get older you have to realize that'a not the way it goes down. Woman now a days know as soon as they meet you whether you are going to get that cookie.
Let me congratulate everyone on their creative euphemisms for intercourse. I count 12 so far. LOL
So someone played you and now you bitter huh? Hate it for ya. But spitting bile just salts up everybody else's game, son. Get over it.
Grown folk good sense right here.
Imma guess you're at the house alone damn near every weekend.
GAME. SET. MATCH: BB FTW!! Day-um son, you got that Christian cuss-out! Normally BB on here praying and passing out Bible verses, now she got Jesus in ice skates. LMAO. Get 'em told...
And JV trying to play at the ALL-STAR pro level! Bwahaha!
Ninja what? Cayman cunanny? GTFOH.
And past history: dude I rejected 2 months prior texts me three days after Xmas to invite me on a cruise. Seriously? I don't want to date you; why would I take a cruise with you?
BS? Seriously? This was only one outing with a friend, not months of blueballing a dude she liked and was only playing.
The dude wasn't joking when he brought it up. If he was, he would have said so and Chele would have gotten her Luda on. Or not. Pretty tacky joke, methinks.
And someone as intelligent as our blogstress wouldn't take a guy's money for years and never have sex with him. Sorry if that happened to you.
1) Name of the Blog? Of course we're bougie! Two - No, we DON'T have to give it sometime, especially not to you. 3) YOU can't be that fine if the women aren't given you any. I'm so sick of 2 cent brothers trying to play $100 chicks.
Max has been married for like forever. you sound like a guy who needs jesus.
*Echoes* EVAR... EVAR...
Quite the contrary, brother. Sometimes people who possess a certain awareness and confidence do things without motive and without the expectation of recompense. Then there are others who hide behind a facade of bravado that is meant to mask their lack of any real knowledge and many insecurities and who do things simply because they do not know any better. But I do not expect you to be able to see this; it takes game to recognize game.
#DirectHit #ShotsFired - Lesson to all, don't mess with the Professor.
I agree sir. Game recognize game and some of you cats aren't showing up on infrared or thermal vision.
I just...
I'm not sure...
Maybe I oughta go re-read...
Ok, yea -- no -- it still says what it said the first time.
On occasion, I'll give someone a pass just cause they were bold enough to try. I mean, "just try for me" is a phrase you'll hear me say a lot to my friends. But this dude right here?! THIS DUDE RIGHT HERE?! Ok. Ya'll know. I'm late to this soiree' anyway, so it's been handled.
There is nothing about sex that's a right. Be for real. I agree with you, Chele, you take a woman you're seriously involved with to the islands and get her some diamonds, sexpect away, please. But even THEN it's not a right. (this is not to say I wouldn't side-eye a woman who tried to play a dude to the left, but still...)
Now I wanna know what Sam's fight with his date was all about... if he came at her sideways too, I see the problem.
As a matter of fact, wonder what number you were... cause I bet he moved onto the next, spitting the same explanation.
This is what I don't get...
Dudes could get a lot more with $200 if they paid someone who does that for a living. So why ya'll stay tryna pull in a woman who ISN'T in the business of selling her goods?
Sseems like some of ya'll want to fool yourselves into thinking this is on some classy #ish. You must -- cause -- that's what prostitutes are for, otherwise.
Wow. Hell no. Our friendship would've ended right there. (Are you still friends?)
Well Chele, your stories never disappoint. I'm not brazen enough to even text this...it's just not me. Now, I would be lying if I couldn't picture a date sans clothes doing the horizontal hokey pokey ( #13?)
I'm stuck between him striking back at his girl, him playing a mindf***, this type of behavior reaping rewards so what is there to lose, or a very crass joke.
Home training= lost art.
And I'm out.
This is an interesting dating perspective.
Those of you who came by earlier, I've added a response from Mr. Inkognegro: http://inkognegro.tumblr.com/post/466287501/the-price-of-admission
No we are not still friends.
So, when I throw a glass of water to cool you off, we're good? ;o)
LOL
So, honesty is a punk move. Got it.
The only thing I give ole boy credit for is that he was honest with it. But he had no game at all. He'd already bought the tickets. HE suggested dinner and drinks. Because HE decided with both small minds that he "deserved" sex. What year is this?
Yes, I would hope humans would have the humanity to be friends like that, if WE asked you for that help.
*flava flav voice..
wowwwwwwwwww......
sexpectations has been one of my fave words for a while now. it tends to happen when you meet ppl online (moment of silence for blackplanet) because you are more likely to have sexual convo via IMs/Email/SMS etc.. People feel they can talk all sorts of smack (ie: some comments below) when they are doing it anonymously. THIS DUDE???? is CLEARLY an idiot. And whether he was joking or not (and CLEARLY wasn't), the #EPICFAILTALITY of his whole request from beginning to end rivals the BET MJ Tribute (yep..I'm still on THAT epic fail).
i have been through this before , because like an idiot, i am always trying to disprove the theory that men and women CAN just be friends. and it always ends up blowing up in my face (and they end up disappointed). while i was disgusted with a 'friend' of mine who blatantly came out to tell me that we're just f*ck buddies (we can't hang out on a platonic level to watch a game cuz we'd end up in bed..NINJA PLEASE!), i at least knew where i stood and could quickly block, purge and delete.
i had a dude come up to me on the subway last night ask me out to dinner. i told him i had a boyfriend who takes me out to dinner and his reply was - what you can't have friends? that question (which is now the automatic retort for i have a man) always makes me giggle because you sure as hell didn't wake me up to be my friend. (especially since i saw you talking to a next girl when i got on the train!). i said no and he walked off the train.
dudes think they have easy access to sex? (and they will because prostitutes and women with low/no esteem or standards will always exist), it's 947% easier for a woman. so if she's not giving it to you, plain and simple it's because she doesn't want to. period. full stop. end of sentence fragment. sure, relationships that start off as friendship are the ideal way to go - but if sex is all your want, she'll figure out your true intentions sooner or later. and either she'll be with it or not.
i'm to share this with my fb tree and hope some of the dudes i know read it!!
You did it with this post Onechele...100plus. Yeah for you.
Sigh. Home boy had the nerve [saying a silent prayer]. You are really polite. I don't tolerate disrespect, so I would have "ripped him a new one". LOL Me being me I would have dial his number. forget the texting. I mean what in the hell??? He probably tried this with his previous date. Apology my asparagus. He meant what he said and now he is trying to apologize. Yeah right. Whateva negro, go find you a B$%#@!
Joebeezay,
You missed the point entirely, but that's okay, I'm happy to take a moment or two and try to bring you up to speed.
The only things that should be expected by anyone {male or female} extending an invitation to share their company with someone else is ~ good conversation, laughs and a pleasant time.
A man...a mature man knows the difference between an easy mark and a lady.
Now, I'm going to assume that based upon your vulgar, ebonic and profanity laden comments that you shared with us today, that you've sadly never had the good fortune to spend time in the company of a mature, self confident, intelligent woman who doesn't engage in juvenile behavior.
One quick suggestion for improving your chances of dating a better class of women ~ get rid of the "boo's, mofo's and ni***" words from your written and spoken language.
Good Luck!
Wow, this guy is a total jackass. I can't believe he had the nerve to send such a message. And how could he think that just because he was paying for the concert that you were supposed to give him some afterwards. Moron. I hate dudes like that. You did right not going with him. Let him be a loser by himself, until he learns some respect.
...
If all he really wanted was sex, why not hire a pro and be done with it? No dinner or concert requirements for that line of work!
If that's what I have to do to say I have a man, I'll pass.
Crazy story, Chele. Over-simplification alert: I blame Biggie feat. R.Kelly's song for giving some of these boys delusions of being someone else. Not everyone can pull this off (read: only the super rich, famous and/or fine), and definitely not with every woman (read: only with women who think of their vaginas as lottery tickets):
"Fellas - I'm not even saying that your sexpectations may not get fulfilled. It could happen. But know your audience. Don't apply one-drink-hit-it-in-the-club sexpectations to a five-date-if-you're-lucky girl."
Basically.
When a man is this bold, it's because it has worked before at least once.
I've dealt with high sexpectations before but they were never this kinda bold.
An ex once told me: "I was taught that if you take a woman out to an expensive restaurant that is like telling her you want to have sex...but also a relationship because you're providing for her comfort." Which explained why he was FOREVER taking me to expensive restaurants. And here I thought that we were just spending quality time together, enjoying some fab food. It's sweet and icky at the same time.
This idea that money is exchanged for sex (even indirectly via dates and "dates") is why I think prostitution should be legal. Maybe then men will stop treating NON-prostitutes like hookers and women with hooker mentalities can go ahead and be a professional without fear of jail time (if not social shame).
Is sex happening within those 5 dates when you're paying for yourself?
#latepass, please and thanks. have to comment on this, Chele.
This is simple. This character's not that astute, e.g., he's dumb. And lazy. And bold and a bit more of a wuss at the same time.
Who calls a girl to ask her out and then texting minutes later to say, "By the way, we're bumping uglies afterward. Thanks."? Really? I saw a picture of Riley somewhere in these comments, and I'm sure he'd say something to the effect of "That's a bitch move, Santa" to this.
And it is. You don't build expectations based on what you spend. You build expectations on the chemistry that comes about from the interaction you have with a person, and then, choose to or not to act on them. Period. Same as no woman should build expectations based on what a guy spends. Build it on chemistry. This pay-for-play type of thing is something a guy might do with an ex you don't want, but want to sex. But he shouldn't even need to do that then.
What happened here is he got hella lazy and figured he'd make a run at you even though he knew you weren't playing. I guess he gauged that he had about a 10 percent shot of you "getting it in" w/ him because he "told" you via text and wasn't bold enough to come at you over the phone. But he knew better. Trust. Dude just didn't care, which is sad in itself for him.
... And sexpectations are vastly different when comparing third date to six years in the game (married or not). Six years in, you've got an obligation of sorts that is quantified in years, not a $200 concert date or three. If you're not giving your guy some just because six years in, you're doomed. *shrugs*
Crazy story.
His game was not on point IMO. The way he came at you was bold, lazy and just plain triflin. A text message? That's the problem with the dating game nowadays, men can get SO much from us for so little that some folk think they can just throw a text message our way and that's all it takes. Personally, a guy can have all of the sexpectations that he wants in the world, if I'm into him he might get some but if I'm NOT then no amount of money or expensive restaurant date in the world is gonna change that. I would love to actually hear some men's opinions on this topic that aren't just two line comments.
He can't have been a very good friend. sounds like this guy doesnt know how to be friends with a female.
I consider it dodgy when a friend buys me something and expects ANYTHING back, like re-payment or whatever. The whole point of friends treating friends to dinner is that it's without strings.
Is it possible that you are considering some people your friends when really they just see you as a back-up date? That thought scares me...
O_O
wow...I have no other words...just wow...
Excellent point that BnB KNEW off top that the evening wasn't planned especially for her...and the dude still had the greatest sexpectations. Tsk tsk.
I don't know if it's been said before because I haven't read thru all 112 comments, but he was just "out of order". I wouldn't have went out with him either ( and I love Luda too!). But some of thefellas I know (platonic) usually have certain (for lack of a better word) "stables" for certain situations, they know who to call for the "pay for play", who to take to a corporate function, who to take to a family cookout. and if he was truly a friend then he would have known better to come up with some crackhead shiggity like that. To even let the words form in his mind let alone put them in a text. He was stoooopid!! He got exactly what he deserves. And now after all of that he has lost a good friend.
I am FAR from fashionably late so I won't even attempt to make my way through all the comments. Forgive me for copying anyone else's response.
Two things about this:
1) I appreciate his honesty. It's so much better when people are forthcoming with their foolishness. Imagine at the end of the night if this mofo thought he was going to get some? That would have been 10x worse. All people should be so blatant about their bullsh*t, we would know who to kick it with and who to block all numbers, email addresses, etc.
2) I don't think men really think like this per se. No that's a lie, we all think like this in a slightly different way. We all hope and pray to get lucky on almost any kind of date (Cayman Islands or KFC). The operative word there is HOPE. The expectation factor...not a good look. IF a woman wants to get down with me at the end of the night, I wouldn't blame her for changing her mind if I EXPECTED it. Normally my slow out the gate ass wouldn't even know she wanted it but I digress. This is not how it is or should be. Expecting a woman to give you some when you coming from left field; What part of the game is that?
Man I can't believe I missed this one yesterday. It looks like you had everyone going off about this one. Yes I have had a man try that on me only to leave him twisting in the wind. Now that may have been just as wrong but I he put me in a bad situation so I felt he deserved to be in one too. Yes I have had the couple hundred dollar night. In fact I went out on a first date and the guy took me to see Beyonce because Plan A and Plan B that we had fell apart. Those tickets were 350, then there was dinner and then the after parties. Great time and he didn't get anything. We ended up dating but it didn't last. Men are crazy creatures and honestly believe that they are owed something when they open their wallet. Hmm, I guess all the nurturing and care I do, I need to get paid as well. That should be worth a orange sapphire or 2.
Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com
Jara,
Only twice in my life have I made the mistake of rushing the sex before getting to know the guy much better than I did and I regretted both of those times almost instantly after doing so.
It's just my personal belief that I need some time to get to know a guy before I'm taking things to that level. If that's 5 dates or 10 dates, so be it. But I feel pretty certain, that it won't be happening before I've had at least 5 dates with a guy.
Again, that's just me.
Man, I have been married for 17 years, so my dating days are far behind me, but I thought men had evolved more than this....these games were being played in the '80's and 90's, so I just knew that mothers had schooled their sons better than this. This guy is lucky you did not blast him out as a creep. (Oh, I guess you just did!) Ladies, take heed to Michelle's advice. Your price is worth more than rubies (or dinner and a concert). Guys, there are still ladies in this world, not every young woman is easy. Try to work for it next time, loser.
Wonder what dude would've done if you told him you were game if he threw in an extra $100 cash.
I know that Your Bougieness would not answer thus but the Trini gal in me in this situation couldn't help but text back, with equal promptness :
" WHAT????!!!! Not at - F@#%& ing -all (pardon the pun)"
I haven't even finished this post, yet and my jaw is hanging. wow.
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