Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Question for the fellas: What are you waiting for?

Three BougieTales today. Two of them are stories sent in from BougieLand:

Blind leading the blind waiting: Way before I figured out what I wanted to be when I grew up, I worked as an Executive Assistant (thankless job, get out if you can). I was the Executive Assistant to the CEO for a company in Austin which meant I was in touch will all of the management staff on a regular basis. You create a kind of telephone intimacy with people that you talk to every day. Even more so in my conversations with a gentleman I'll call DB. DB had the flirtatious banter down pat. For a few weeks we telephone flirted, sent emails back and forth and basically acted like infatuated teenagers. Finally, he came to Austin and we met face to face. Giggle, great date, dancing, a romantic stroll by the river followed by an awkward kiss on the forehead and goodnight. Kiss on the forehead? Even I knew that wasn't a good thing. We fell back into our phone banter for a few weeks then he invited me to visit him. Romance, giggles, flowers, wine and he took the sofa while I slept in the bed. So I'm wondering, are we platonic or more?

Now office gossip (for those of you that have never worked in the Paycheck Plantation) is hell. I knew his every waking move and thought before he had a chance to tell me. He was feeling me, I was feeling him. I wasn't tapping my foot impatiently waiting to get to the naked part; I was waiting for him to define the relationship. I was SO young, it never occurred to me to ask and I kept waiting and waiting and waiting. Finally, one fateful weekend at the Corporate Retreat he was getting all parts of up close and personal with some spandex-wearing floozy from the call center. In a super-dramatic way that only young silly girls can be, I marched out onto the dance floor and told him I was tired of waiting in vain for his love (I was in a Bob Marley zone) and I was DONE.

Fast forward fifteen years and he finds me on LinkedIn. DB said back then he had NO idea what to do with me and was waiting for ME to tell him what I wanted, what was too much and what was next. And when I didn't he just decided to get out the quickest way he knew how. When I told him I was waiting on him, he was stunned. Just goes to show you – youth and stupidity are a bad combination.

What's it gonna take waiting: Dear Chele, I've been with this guy for three years. We do everything together, we get along, I like his family, he likes mine. I won't move in with him because I don't want to get stuck in that trap. We are both attractive and successful and want the same things. He makes references to the future and kids but where is my ring? What is he waiting on? And what can I do to move him along?

[I have some ideas but I'm going to let the fellas take that one.]

Make a move already waiting: OneChele, me and this guy from my apartment complex are spending a lot of time together. We hang out, we go places, we grab meals at my place, play video games as his. I overheard him telling his best friend that I am the girl he really wants to be with. So why isn't he making a move? Do I really have to do it myself?

So, let me sum up the questions (and let's assume that the man has at least a passing interest in the woman, because we get you not making a move if you are just not feeling it):

Fellas: About that first move, are we waiting on you or are you waiting on us?

Fellas: Getting out of the friend zone, what ARE you waiting on?

Put a ring on it: Ladies, how long do you wait? Fellas, what's it gonna take?

The floor is yours…

35 comments:

ASmith said...

I don't wait.

Ok, rephrase...

In the utopia where I do exactly what I should do, I don't wait. That doesn't mean I'm jumping out to find the next guy right now, but it does mean that if the next guy shows up, I'm not pressing pause. I'm all about giving someone time to figure out what they want, but I'm not about said time meaning I put my own life on hold... cause in some of my experiences, when you wait, people have a tendency to take advantage of that like they got forever and a day to decide, all the while, still exploring their options.

No shade. You explore, I explore and if, when you're done, I'm done too -- perf. If not... well... these are the risks we take when we choose to do that.

GrownAzzMan said...

I am not going to be much help today. I have never been one to wait for anything. If I am interested I go for it. Must be the Scorpio in me. It will be interesting to read the responses from men who take a more cautious approach. I guess I am going to learn something today.

brendakay50 said...

I really want to read what the men have to say on this one.

LeonX said...

This goes back to the yesterday's communication post. She's waiting on him. He's waiting on her. While all this waiting is going down nothing is getting done. There has to be a way to communicate what is you want without feeling that you're being overbearing.

bshel said...

Uh, guys. . . we're waiting. Where's all that mouth today??
I think you got one today Chele, we must be in unchartered territory, nobody's got the answer for this one.

**I hear crickets**

*Shout out to A Smith and GrownAzzMan for taking a stab at it though.

Rob said...

Hold on Ladies, brother had to earn to check. Here are my two cents:

Sometimes we are not waiting on you to make the first move (though we love it when you do), we're waiting on you to give us a sign that the first move is welcome.

Getting out of the friend zone -you remember the stories some of the ladies told Monday where all of a sudden Mr. Platonic is nekkid? Yeah, it's not always a smooth transition from friend to more than and frankly, we don't always want to risk it. But believe if we are feeling you at all in that way and come out to find you booty butt nekkid on the couch - we're all in.

The only reasons a man doesn't marry a woman he's been with that long? He doesn't want to, doesn't feel he needs to, never plans to. You tell a man to put a ring on it after three+ years and he doesn't? Be prepared to walk.

bshel said...

DING! DING! You're on the board men.

Just Passing By said...

I don't wait, if I see it and like it- I'm stepping to it. You wanna be friends, okay -I'll wait. If you are my lady and we've put in the time and it's still going well, I'm locking it down.

Andrea M said...

I don't know Chele. I've been reading the past few days and there's a lot of "We take our cues from you women" going on - so ultimately do we have to do everything?!

GrownAzzMan said...

Andrea the truth is we do follow your lead. It's all about the golden rule, 'he who has the gold, makes the rules'. In male female interaction women have the gold. The only problem is some women will give away the gold for a happy meal!

datdudeincali said...

Been trying to stay low profile this week because I've been a serial offender when it comes to trampling on the feelings of the fairer sex, kinda. But on this one I can speak.
If I want a woman I'm going after her, first move, friend to f* buddy, I go all in. Hell I proposed after 3 months (that was part of my problem but as Chele says... moving on).
So a guys who waits and waits doesn't know what he wants or how to go get it.

AppleBerryMIA said...

I don't want to get into the whole womanly wiles thing but there are definite times where the female can definitely sway things in her direction. That's all I'm going to say.

OneChele said...

I have learned not to wait and not to bite my tongue. Doesn't mean I'm aggressive with it but I definitely ask the "where are we and what are we doing" questions.

OneChele said...

Something to be side for just diving into the deep end.

jake said...

I don't even need a whole bunch of signs, if I get a smile I'm making the approach. The friend zone is but a waiting area. Some girls I'll stay there forever and that's fine. Others, it's just a nice place to sit for now. As for men who are with women forever and don't marry them - I don't even understand that. What's the point? Pull the trigger or walk away already

Sarah said...

I'm somebody who has been patient her entire life, but sitting here at 45 I'm not so sure it was a good idea. But we are who we are. I actually don't like it when a man is in too big of a hurry. I need to find out what sort of person he is and whether being around him is a safe place to be.

Dr. Peppa said...

Guilty. I wait. I'm a study all the angles and probabilites guy. So yeah, I need an indication that she's remotely on the same page or I'm onto the next.

OneChele said...

I would agree

Kiki said...

I'm the girl who makes the first move. I don't wait for a man to ask me to dance, to dinner, to bed. Nope. And if I knew a man I wanted to marry, I'd ask that too.

ASmith said...

I've noticed that sentiment too.

And I guess I'm a little confused cause dudes complain that women wanna move too fast...

You step back and let them lead and they start #talmbout they were waiting on you. O_o.

Okey dokey.
Alrighty.
We'll do that, then.

Pure Choco said...

I dated my ex all through college and just KNEW the minute we graduated I was getting the ring. Then grad school, still no ring. Then I landed a job and moved away, he followed me and presented the ring. I said - what took you so long? He said - I wanted to make sure you were going to make something of yourself. I don't want to carry around dead weight for 50 years. YES HE DID. Me? Here's your ring back. Clearly I dodged a bullet.

derek love said...

I feel some kinda way about that. On the one hand - go head girl. On the other hand, give a brother a chance to step up. Both people can't steer.

suebhoney said...

I agree

derek love said...

Okay - I feel you on that. We can flip flop right along with ya'll. Sometimes you tell us we're going too fast and today you tell us we're going too slow. Where's the line? I agree with LeonX below - it's all in the communication of expectation and outcome. If two weeks in you're talking about marriage, I'm bugging. If we're six weeks in and no sign of the "cupcakes" I probably feel we're moving too slow. But if we've talked about (not at depth just a hey - when do you think you'll be ready to...) then we can touch base to stay in step. I always ramble on this blog - but you get my point?

Stank_0 said...

Well, some men are very cautious. I happen to think I am one of those men. When I get what is to me a "clear signal" then I'm all in. Being coy may not necessarily work because it's...coy. I have missed what were later signals because they were nuanced.

Getting repeated rides or getting dropped off to me says you are a nice person not that I want to spend time around you. My boys give me a ride or drop me off but that don't mean they trying to be around me (or it could).

This is all about communication and expectations. The friend zone is the most difficult situations in men-women relations. There's no cookie cutter way to get out.

(Disclaimer: Race specific) Ladies, when a black man has interest in you it is very obvious. Apply that same idea. Make the interest obvious. If a cautious man gets enough signals he can identify, he'll jump out there.

ASmith said...

I hear you, derek.

Sounds like we all just need to do better about communication -- both the listening and talking parts.

I'm resisting the urge to launch into a story about this one time (no band camp) my friend opened her mouth after months of dating and ol' dude scurried for the hills. Partly because I know this guy was a chump and partly because it undermines the point. :)

How far is too far on communication of expectation? OneChele just told us about a guy who crossed the line with his sexpectations and it seems like some women's relationship expectations have that same "run for the hills"/"ninja is you crazy" effect on men that Chele's story had on most of the women.

Suebhoney said...

I do a little bit of both, Depending on the situation, I may play it slow or I may take the role of the agressor to find out as the kid's say "whats really real" to find out really where this is at or heading to , or if it's going anywhere at all. -- Life is too short , so don't waste your time -and more importantly-don't waste mine. You could be blocking my blessing.

Vonne716 said...

In my interactions with black men, I find it the opposite. For me, they have always said and acted in a way that always leaves me confused, so I just try to downplay it instead of thinking too hard about the situation. But I do agree that the friendship zone is one of the hardest to move out of. There is a lot of risk involved and if both parties value that friendship, they don't want anything to ruin that bond. Personally, I want the person that I end up being with to be my best friend...kinda like a Brownsugar type of situation (except I want us to figure it out before he gets to the alter).

www.madnessatitsbest.blogspot.com

Vonne716 said...

I completely feel that...time is my most valuable, unrenewable resource. Once it's gone, you can't get it back!

ASmith said...

Can I add -- and I know this is because of my most recent situation that I'm doing so much thinking (and really reading and re-reading people's comments) on this one -- I feel like all of this goes back to not wanting to take a risk.

Both genders are guilty of this -- playin games to avoid a risk -- but I feel like either men just do it more, or our society's expectations of gender roles makes them do it more. I honestly think that more often than not, a guy is waiting cause he wants you to tell him you like him because he doesn't want to risk looking stupid.

I understand that. I do. But it gets us nowhere. I'm the type of person who feels like if I have to make the first move on this, I'll be making the first move on everything and I really can't with all that. That's a personal thing, I suppose -- and it has it's roots in me wanting a man to lead -- but there's also my feeling that I need someone who does take risks.

If you want me, but are too afraid of the risks to ask me, then what else will you skip out on cause you don't want to risk it?

Kandia said...

@ Pure Choco......I don't blame you!! Waiting on you to make something of yourself to make sure he wasn't carrying dead weight? Just imagine if you had married him and was laid off from your job for a period of time.....wow.

♞ they call me kj ♞ said...

"Fellas: About that first move, are we waiting on you or are you waiting on us?"

as a cautious man who does not want to become one of you or anyone else blogstories about "oh this guy came at me blahblahblahhh" i'd like a more clear and definitive signal. you don't have to have a sign that says "HEY YOU YES YOU COME OVER HERE", but i don't pick up on the -wink-. Sorry, i'm a little dense in that aspect, and i believe i'm not the only one.

"Fellas: Getting out of the friend zone, what ARE you waiting on?"
any woman i have in the friend zone, is probably there because i'm not attracted to her, or because being in her presence, as in being in a relationship, will NOT make me happy.
as for the other way, i'm sure i'm in the friend zone of many woman, AFAIK there's no way out, without it being awkward. and since i'm not a fan of awkwardness, and i sincerely want those ladies i love to be happy, then i play my role as the friend, and be happy about it.

"Put a ring on it: Ladies, how long do you wait? Fellas, what's it gonna take?
as soon as i see she's wife material, and as soon as i feel that i can support her and a family.

"The floor is yours…"

i yield back the rest of my time

MsLadie said...

Why did you choose the 3rd year??

Rob said...

Year One - Hot stuff, Year Two - Learning Stuff, Year Three- Real Stuff. If you can't pull the trigger after year three, you never will. IMHO

sunt97 said...

I'm really late to this conversation but I have to throw my 2 cents in. As a woman that waited way too long (on and off for 10 years t00 long), I think that you need to step back and evalute your relationship. Is the other talking about a future or are they only interested in the here and now. We all know when it's been too long. We just need to take a deep breath and let go when we know it's not going any farther.

Tiffany

http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com

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