I was "de-friended" by an actual friend of mine on Facebook last week. We'll call her Angela. Now truthfully, I don't follow my updates on Facebook but I decided to check on Angela's status updates because we had exchanged "words" with a few weeks ago. So it wasn't until I went to find her Facebook page I was told she was no longer my friend. Hmm. I felt some kinda way about that. I could have picked up the phone or fired off an email but in reality, I was okay with it. We have been friends for over ten years but talked to each other less and less in the past few.
Long story short, a few years ago Angela called to tell me she was worried that her young daughter was becoming sexually promiscuous. I bit my tongue (darn near in half) but she kept asking and asking my opinion. "Do you really want to know what I think?" I asked her. She assured me she did. I told her it was not going to be pleasant but she said she really wanted to know. Finally, I just said it. I told her that perhaps (just perhaps) moving random men in and out of the house as her sexual playthings during her daughter's most impressionable years had not helped.
It's hard to preach abstinence or restraint from a "do what I say, not what I do" position. When you daughter has a front row seat to your sexual escapades, that has to have an effect. In six years' time, she had no less than twelve much younger men that moved in with Angela and her daughter for various periods of time and then left. They always left with some drama. I mean drama like Police Interventions and Restraining Orders.
We had actually argued about it back then. I thought it was a terrible idea for her daughter to witness all of that and be exposed to a string of strange men. Needless to say, she didn't appreciate my viewpoint, told me I didn't have any kids and to mind my business. Maybe I should have but since I listened to her tales of woe day in and day out, I felt I had to say it. Bearing witness to the revolving soap opera that constantly swirled around her was too much for me. I started keeping my distance a little bit.
Fast forward to last spring, Angela had met a nice man. I met him. He was extremely nice. He was decent looking, mature, employed, and refused to move in with her. He had his own house, carried his own weight, stood up for himself yet doted on her. He was great with her daughter and her mother, had a great relationship with the child he had from a previous marriage and there was no baby mama drama. He was in fact – perfect for her. She said so, I thought so and all was good.
So when she called me a few weeks ago to tell me she was thinking of breaking up with him, I was dismayed. "But why?" I gasped in astonishment. "What did he do?" She went on to explain to me that he hadn't done anything; she just wasn't "excited" by him anymore. I was speechless for a second and then said, "Wait - what? Seriously, why are you breaking up with him?" She repeated that the sizzle was gone, she had met some younger guy and life was too short to stay with someone who bored you. I tried ya'll, I really did. "So by sizzle you mean you're not attracted to him anymore?" She said she was still attracted to him but she was MORE attracted to the new guy.
Before I could catch myself, I went off. Something along the lines of, "Are you kidding me? You have what everyone is looking for and you want to throw it away for more sizzle? At some point you need to grow the eff up and do the right thing. You're like a child at Christmas only excited by the new toy, once the novelty wears off you toss it to the side for the next new thing. I mean, come on. What do you really want me to say?" She said, "I expect you to not to judge me." I told her I wasn't passing judgment but pointing out a pattern that. Something she should think about for her own good. She snapped, "I expect you to just be my friend." She hung up and did not call back. I thought I was being a friend. Or is friendship only good when you blindly support each other regardless of behavior? Maybe I was preachy but I wasn't wrong.
A week after that I heard from a mutual friend of ours that she went ahead with the break-up only to have new dude get picked up on a parole violation THE VERY NEXT DAY while they were out on a date. That's SO not bougie. That's just tragic. To toss aside a good man for what? You know the next woman that good man dates is in for some blow back. Le Sigh.
So I guess I shouldn't be surprised that she "de-friended" me – she probably thought I was going to berate her with an "I told you so" – I wouldn't have though I certainly thought about it.
BougieLand - Do you know women or men like Angela? (Never satisfied with what they have? Always thinking the grass is greener? Expecting you to go along with their decisions even when they stink?) Isn't it hard to hold your peace when you see a friend engaging in the same destructive behavior over and over again? Any "de-friending" "un-following" stories to share?
54 comments:
Lordy! I don't have "Angelas" per se in my friend circle, because these were the women I watched as I was growing up and filed under "Do Not Emulate or Befriend." However...I did de-friend someone for my own mental health because she would ask my opinion and advice, then feel beat up and bad about herself when I gave it and she refused to take it, and then when I stopped giving it, she felt like I didn't care about her, and started doing this "prove you love me/prove you are my friend" testing stuff that I just can't abide. I had to get off that crazed merry go round. Post haste.
Aside: Where did you find the image for this post?
OneChele, I had a very similar situation happen to me just about 3 weeks ago. I was unfriended on FB by someone whom I've known for 16 years. In the past, it has been my shoulder, my patience and my international phone bills who have listened to the "same story, different guy" for hours on end. During a recent call when she begged and pleaded for me to share my thoughts - I chose my words carefully and diplomatically, but I was blunt honest. When I finished, she cursed me out, hung up and promptly unfriended me. In return, I nearly wrenched out my back doing a happy dance when I realized I was no longer on her friend list. :-)
It would be easy to kick your friend and we could all dog pile on the rabbit, but in doing so, wouldn't we all be kicking ourselves? We could call it sizzle, twizzle or bling-a-ling, but we've all made decision (some bad) based on what floats "our" boat. "Good" is very subjective. Of course as we mature (no one can tell us what we need) we realize what's really important. Maturity is a process. Situation create thoughts, which move to feeling and up jumps that action... "hey baby, what's yo' number". Good sense and proper behavior takes a back seat to certain emotions. In short, I think we've all been an Angela. Yep, we've made our move too soon, for all the wrong reasons (sometime, or another).
Didn't mean to dead pan your post, but I just had to reach in my serious bag. Hey, this time (at least) my words were less than those in your post :-)
Am going through this right.now. My goddaughter (19 yrs. old, no job, not in college) announced recently that she's pregnant. With a fool's baby. My close friend (her mom) is livid. But....the girl is just following the example her mother gave her (multiple kids and fathers at a young age). iCan't with the mom - my suggestions over the years have been easily dismissed with a "you don't know cuz you don't have any" line. The talk I'll have with the daughter is my "last ditch effort". As far as the mom is concerned, I decided long ago not to feed into her triflingness or judge it too harshly. But sometimes, I really want to just cuss her out, lol.
I dunno if this is a case of people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
When you try to share from your own experience to stop someone from doing something stupid and they still do the stupid thing, they deserve an "i told you so" or two (or at least the general sentiment). Doesn't mean you have to give it, but I don't think Chele was out of line. Sounds like Angela needed to be told a thing or two about herself. Maybe in time she'll come to see OneChele was right... maybe not... but that doesn't mean it didn't need to be said.
We all have been Angela in some way (making the wrong decision when the right one was obvious) and that's exactly why we all have some semblance of responsibility to steer folks when we see them headed the wrong way.
oh Lawdy. This right here --> "She repeated that the sizzle was gone" is the major issue with what's wrong with us as a society in general. Too much impulse and not enough long-term thinking.
You were being (and have been) an AWESOME friend as far as I can see. The issue is not about judging. It was about being pragmatic and realistic with her which you were. What's the point of being friends if both parties can't offer practical views that benefit and uplift each other. So just be her friend and do what? Listen to her whine 24-7? Puhleeeze. #goodriddance.
Clearly she didn't deserve that nice dude. Kudos to the lucky woman out there who gets that hunk...LOL.
I was defriended by someone once. It was ridiculous and in this moment I can't even remember what happened, but I do know she was mad at the wrong person, but it was easier to be mad at me so I got the hate. She later refriended me. There was a holdout; she didn't want to refriend me because she didn't want to admit she'd defriended me in the first place and since she did the defriending, I wasn't pressed toa dd her back. Hell, it was facebook! She had to when I messaged her to say I wanted to add her to an FB invite (which included "private" information with regards to locale and such...) but couldn't because we weren't friends. She pretended not to know how that had happened and refriended me.
I see this thing among my friends. They know what they're doing isn't right. They KNOW it. But they want me to co-sign it. As if my co-signage will make it right. That's why I've gotten to the point that I make them repeat after me "I know that what you're about to say isn't going to be what I want to hear, but I want you to say it anyway." Doesn't stop them from being upset (it amazes me that I have friends who have know me for a long time and they STILL expect me to agree with foolishness) but they can't say they weren't warned.
Sounds like Angela wanted you to tell her what she wanted to hear and when you didn't, as you warned... well, we see what happened.
One time, a friend of mine came to me saying she was thinking about making a major life change. I've known her a long time and I know she has a tendency to do that "grass is greener" thing without thinking it through. Then she gets in the middle of it and wants to go back (but often can't without a lot of other extra-ness). I warned her about that. "Don't call me in a week saying you changed your mind" I told her. She moved the subject along and I could tell she was a bit put off by what I said.
A week or so later she called me and admitted that she had been upset at the time. "I felt like you were hating on me and not being supportive" she said, "but I later realized that you were right. I needed to think it through because I hadn't. You were just trying to be helpful." I was surprised by and appreciative of her honesty about it.
Oh, but can we discuss what it means that facebook was the confirmation of the ending? :) Facebook is the social Bible. I promise.
OneChele, if she reads your blog you may be in for a fight. However, I agree with you 100%. A real friend wouldn't sit by silently and watch a person he/she cares about self destruct. I personal welcome the occasional coat pulling and give major side eye to those who say nothing for the sake of being Switzerland even in the worse of circumstances.
I'm probably on the verge of being unfriended by my BFF of 18 years because I wouldn't loan her money. When she quit her job a few years ago to be a motivational speaker, I stood behind her. Fast forward to the present and speaking engagements have dried up, she's living with a man 23 years her senior and both of them are underemployed. I've PayPal'd money to pay for rental cars (her own car died a few years ago), given her frequent flier miles and frequent hotel points, to cover expenses when she did have engagements in other cities. I had to put my foot down when she called in a panic about losing her storage space. We talked for two hours about what was in the storage unit (gifts she'd been given, old furniture & about 30 boxes of paperwork). She had all of the paperwork electronically, the furniture was probably infested and the gifts couldn't have meant that much to her given that they've been in storage for 6 years. She waited for me to say I'd send the $ 300 she needed. I told her that even if I sent it, she'd find herself in this same predicament the next month. I didn't remind her that she was a packrat that brought every thing she owned to college with her and still had it all when she left in 5 years. I just told her to let me know what she figured out. Haven't heard back from her since.
Hi Ashley,
You're right, this has nothing to do with glass houses, and I wasn't throwing stones @ OneChele. Ii wasn't questioning her wrong-nish nor her rightiousness.
More importantly, I was lending a voice of concern for those that project their needs and desires upon others. Meaning, it's generally a fatal error to tell a grown ass woman or man, what "they" need. It simply and frequently does nothing more than move a person away from you, and further into their own intrenched position/opinion
So, my comment was asking others to seek first to understand. I think we should use ourselves as a point of reference. How did we feel (as grown-ups) when someone told us "what we should do". Now this gets deeper, depending who's giving us these words of wisdom. If a woman doesn't even have a man (ouch!) and is telling someone else how to get a man (a good man) I would tend to question that advice or poo-poo it all together.
In short, this whole topic could be framed under emotions. Until we understand our own (why "we" do what "we" do) emotions/actions, it's not wise to pass them to someone else. We can, but I question why we do that? Humans tend to love those that love us, and agree with those that agree with us.
So, I hear you but I don't agree with your feedback. And, I still don't Twitter, and you can't convince me to do so *LOL*
I just need a little more time. I've been told I can be very convincing. :)
One of my best friends from university days, was in a revolving door relationship with her ex. Every other day, many times while at work, I would field calls about the dudes she had coming in and out of her life to try and instantaneously replace the man she was in love with.
One day, we were talking about relationships and I was happy to spread the joyous news about a man who I was in love with and returned my affections. She said to me: you seem to forget where you were just 6 months ago (sidebar: I was in a relationship with a man who ended up being a drug dealer and left me to sleep at the Detroit bus terminal one night.). That forever changed our friendship. Why she would want me to live in the past, and reminisce about my life being in danger and not happy for me being in a safe and secure relationship was just beyond me. Our friendship slowly started deteriorating as a result of that comment and her inability to allow me to be a true/best friend – telling her what she needed to hear and not just want she wanted to hear. I would encourage her to see the world and live her best life. Tell her she has talents and is an amazing person – and yet none of that mattered. I believe she pushed me aside because she placed more value in men than in me.
It’s never easy to be a good friend to people, but it’s important to know you did the best that you could. In Angela’s case: she knows deep down that you are right but can’t face it right now. It’s easier for her to blame you and cast you aside than look within. The worse part – she’ll realize it too late when she becomes a grandmother (or worse) at a younger age than she should as a direct result of her behavior. When you become a mother, it’s no longer just about you. Everything thing you do will shape the person your children become. Yes, we’ve all been Angela at somepoint..but hopefully the only person we were temporarily damaging was ourselves.
One thing I’ve come to realize as I get older, is that your friendships are not as defined as they used to be. People you thought would be standing up for you at your wedding, might end up being people you don’t ever communicate with. There is this notion that friendships are supposed to just last, when in fact they have a life cycle (some longer than others) as you continue to grow, evolve and change.
Finally, the moral to the story is: don’t ask questions to which you do not want the answer. She asked and you told her. I realize that it’s not just about what you say, but HOW you say it. They were still words that needed to be said.
Sorry it’s so long!
Well, they say ya can't teach an old dog new tricks, but I'll be your huckleberry. Yep, I am single and I've "laid down" with a friend, only to find out (in the mornig) it was nothing but fools gold. Everything that glitters is not gold, but come on, convince me... with your good talking self :-).
Hey, since you are so smart, I have a question for you. Well, it was an open question for all that could give me some advice. Stop by my blog and drop a little wisdom on me. OneChele did. OOps, maybe she didn't want others to know that she's been slumming :-). Then again, everyone knows she's an equal oppurtunity advisor and I need help. Although she's a self proclaimed Bougie Woozie, she doe not mind driving through the getto.
So, do you have any gay friends. If so, holla
Some people have a skewed idea of what friendship really is - they think it means that you are there to prop them up and blow smoke and rainbows no matter what. They don't get the give and take portion. I had a friend just like this and when I reached my limit on her foolishness, I called her on it. She called me everything but a child of God and vowed never to speak to me again. She reached out about six months later but by then I realized I was free. I say hello to her but leave it at that. Really, you carry some people as long as you can but then you have to set them down and keep moving. Sad but true.
Getty Images ;-), then I add the caption.
I've done what you did. I thought I was being a friend and told a friend the "truth" as I saw it. She "shot the messenger" and de-friended me, not on facebook as this was pre-facebook, but in person.
if you do the same thing over and over again, yeah, someone needs to tell you something since you apparently aren't learning and maturing on your own.
wow! so if a woman doesn't 'have a man,' she's too stupid and naive to realize that 'man who treats you right' is healthier than 'man who's getting locked up'? i'm thinking its time to take everything you say with a whole shaker of salt. thanks for mansplaining it, though!
Well I have discovered that there apparently is no circumstance where it is acceptable for a male friend to tell his female friend that she is acting like a ho. This was a girl I have been friends with since pre-school but no one would tell her that she being dogged all over town, these fellas were just passing her around and she was allowing it to happen. She lashed out at me, ran around telling people I tried to hit and when she wouldn't I started spreading rumors - it got messy. She turned up pregnant and had to go through some Maury Povich type nonsense to figure who the father was since none of the men would step up. THEN she realized I was right. But by then she had ripped it with me. I wished her the best and kept stepping. But it's still just a damn shame.
I am familiar with that happy dance, having done it a time or two myself ;-)
It's hard to bite your tongue.
K S, I understand your defensivness, and nice try, I said nothing of the sort. Now follow me, who said anything about a woman being too stupid, huh? I mean, did I mention "naive"? Lets take an even closer look. lets compare the men that "you" brought to the floor. One treats you right, and the other one is locked up. Duh... who was arguing against the obvious choice. Please KS, if you're going to debate an issue, bring the real thang. Making statements for me will never play well and every closed eye ain't sleep. Put that salt down :-) or shake it over your shoulder.
I understand what you were trying to do but there's never going to be a time where a woman is okay with a man calling her a ho... especially if she is one. That just makes her more defensive. Kudos to you for trying but the minute you said it the friendship was over.
Please understand when friends and/or family members accuse you of judging them because you point out the obvious it’s nothing more than a way for them to manipulate the relationship and excuse their own behavior. If you saw grapes hanging from an orange tree are you judging the tree by stating that there’s grapes hanging from an orange tree? No. You’re simply stating fact. You’ve observed that the fruit on the tree isn’t consistent with the seed that was planted in the ground.
Your friend Angela told you about her relationship and sexual escapades – sadly witnessed by her daughter – and her proclivity for men of questionable character. In essence, she opened the door for the critique. If she didn’t want to hear what you had to say, she could’ve easily kept the information to herself. You stated the obvious: her steady diet of bad men living in her house with her daughter was irresponsible and dangerous. There’s no judgment in that because: (a) she disclosed the information to you; and (b) it just is.
I have lost a few long term friends over money. Which is why I just have a firm policy not to lend or borrow with friends - almost ALWAYS ends badly. I had a friend who borrowed money and I had to hound her to get it back. She complained to everybody that I was worse than a bill collector. Really? Cause I could've charged interest....
Don't think I didn't consider setting old boy up with someone more appreciative... I really did. But decided to stay out of it altogether.
When I "loan" I don't ever expect to see it again, BUT if I'm loaning, it needs to be for a good cause. Paying for a storage unit full of garbage, uh, no.
You were kind to do as much as you did!
I've developed a "What happens on Facebook, stays on Facebook" attitude. If someone has something important to say, they might want to contact me directly.
Fortunately, I don't have friends who would react that hastily. Unfortunately, I do know of some women (they're associates) who act this way in the relationship department. The good part is, your friendship was tested without you even knowing and you failed (in Angela's eyes). The bad part is, she'll probably never learn and correct the error of her ways. As someone who has more than one BEST FRIEND, sometimes I think that's a reason we keep several friends around---to get different opinions. Have you noticed you never want to talk to that friend who will tell you the TRUTH? That's the one we need though.
I'd had a wakeup call from a friend about two years ago. I was hurt initially because she let me have it, but she opened my eyes. She cares about me and doesn't want me to make a fool of myself. I feel the same about her. If I see negative behavior (hoein and sluttin, children/family neglect, petty BS) go on for a while, I'll say something. It's hard for me to do, but from being on the other side, I know it's so necessary.
Sorry, you lost a friend. Maybe she'll come around. If not, whatever.
I called out a male friend for cheating on his pregnant wife... you can guess how that went down. My girlfriend at the time was friends with the wife so it became a sticky situation for me. I gave him a "you tell her or I will" thing and all hell broke loose. Over a year later I don't have the girlfriend or the male friend but I am friends with his soon-to-be ex wife. Life is funny.
There's never a good time to a friend they are just dead wrong, they are never going to take it well but a good friend does it anyway. You did the right thing.
I am both blessed (and irritated) to be surrounded by friends and family who deliver brutal honesty to me on a regular basis.
I agree and try to give people an out: "Do you REALLY want to hear the truth or do you want me to be nice?"
Yep just got accused of breaking man-code for dropping dime on a homie. But I was friends with the girl - she is like a sister to me. Damn a man-law, I wasn't letting her get played like that. First she was mad at me for telling her but once she figured out the extent of his foulness, she appreciated it. Either way, I had to do it.
Le Sigh. You did what you had to do.
Good for you, this person must be living in a fantasy world. Wish I had more friends who were honest with me when I screw up. Her loss...and the man she dropped? She did him a favor.
Exactly! I love the grapes from an orange tree analogy by the way.
I don't put man-law above common decency.
I think you get to the point where you don't mind losing the friendship if it gives you a break from all the drama.
I could go in for days on this one. I too had a friend of questionable judgment who had young daughters. She kept asking my advice and we fought bitterly. I finally said enough. It was clear she didn't want any help or plan to change, she just wanted someone to pick up the pieces when it all fell apart. And it always did. No thanks. Moving on.
I'm lucky enough to have one girlfriend whom I can be brutally honest with - I actually had to tell her about her parts last night because of some dumb ish she's been up to - and now I find it absolutely stultifying to have to hold my tongue with all my other friends. I think that more than anything else, the mark of a true friendship is knowing that that person will tell you the honest truth about your actions and cares enough to try to stop you from making bad choices. People who get angry at their friends for being honest, aren't looking for friendship, they're looking for sycophants which I am soooo not - and I suspect you aren't either.
jake, where you been dude?
I have women and men in my family like Angela as well as family friends. Now, I believe the older someone gets, does not mean the wiser he/she becomes.
Onechele, you had every right to answer her question. She did ask for your opinion. Now she has defriended you. It's sounds childish to me. I would not want to deal with someone who cannot grow up. Life is too short.
I hope one day she realizes you were right and ask for an apology; she doesn't have to become your friend but an apology would do. :)
Hey Foxy. Out here grindin' but you know I couldn't stay away.
I had a very similar situation to this. I finally just gave up.
she wasn't much of a friend if she can't take ur honesty, you are probably better off
Sometimes you need to lose a friend so you can see yourself. You did the right thing by telling her the truth about the effects of her behavior. The onus is on her to grow, learn and be conscious. Some of us prefer to to be passive rather than active participants of life. I was in a similar situation with a girlfriend in an abusive relationship, I told her how I felt about him, she stopped to talking to me. 3 yrs of him, umpteen stiches and an arrest during finals later, we're friends again. I told her, if I had to go back, knowing we wouldn't be friends, I wouldn't do anything differently.
Hold you head high and know that you did right by her...what she does with that knowledge you dropped is up to her.
(((HUGS))) Your friend's situation reminds me of the Jetson's intro when George yells "Jane, Stop this crazy thing" However there is no one to press the emergency button. I've read about situations like your former friend's where the women stopped feeling as a result of some trauma and seek out danger to let them know that they are alive. Unfortunately, in this cases in an effort not to hurt those they love - they instead push them away. Hence, you and her good man getting the ax. I hope her daughter can experience an intervention of some sorts - there is one thing to be sexually confident but promiscuity is yet another cry for help. It is as if she is confusing sex with intimacy - clearly she is not getting that true intimacy from her mother - if she is indeed seeking it between the sheets. Sending loving energy to all that are touched by this situation.
Hoe's don't like being called hoe's by anybody, be it friends, family, or the opposite sex. I have someone very close to me that I called 'loose' without thinking and she liked to bit my head off, but the truth of the matter is that she is 'loose' and needs to stop. I'm coming to learn that people who live in denial deny the truth at all times, for as long as possible sometimes even until their death. I just know this much to be true; "real recognizes real". Fake runs from reality at the drop of a dime, it is what it is.
I've never had respect for women who paraded men in and out of their household around their children. These are very selfifish woman who are delusional and in love with every man they meet.. Having random men around will influence the quality of life your child lives and the kind of adult they grow into. I feel sorry for her daughter.
True friends appreciate honesty whether it hurts or not. She asked for your opinion and you gave it. You told her exactly what she needed to hear without window-dressing it. She knows she is wrong and just wanted you to co-sign it so she could feel guilt-free as she continues her shenanigans. Although she probally wont admit it, I'm sure you struck a nerve and gave her something to think about. I dont think she unfriended you because she's mad. I think she's feeling embarrassed more than anything else. Sometimes this is a wake up call. Hopefully in this case it is.
I just had to be really honest with a friend today and I must say it didn't go to well.... She didn't want to realize that she was wrong for taking out her frustration on me about her boyfriend. Oh well.... true friends stick around...flinty friends fall to the waist side.
I have only been defriended by folks Ithat I couldn't remember and a close male friends that wanted to keep his wife from snooping to find out more about me--sure!! She asked you for your opinion and then had the nerve to get upset because you did. That showed you her true color. And yes I know folks who do it all the time. I can never understand it. I know that the sprak sometimes fizzles out but if I have feelings for someone then I am not going anywhere. maybe she never loved him and it was the best thing for her to do. It'll give him a chance to find someone better than her. Someone who can really appreciate him.
Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com
my cousin is an angela and when i finally went off on her cause i was sick of the drama she tried to get my sisters to co-sign and turn against me (crazy heifer sisters ALWAYS come first ) but i dropped her as a friend and to tell the truth the drama freeness (is that a word?) is too cool to spoil by inviting her back in. Good one Chele
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