Wednesday, March 31, 2010

eHarmony Reset - The DisHarmony of eHarmony (Pt1)

Originally posted in July of 2009. Still sad but true

Bougie is too beautiful not to share. Therefore, after my last relationship fizzled (imploded) eighteen months ago, I decided hey - let's give this thing a try. I work from home, frequently watch church on the internet, hate the clubs and have a treadmill in my living room- if I was going to meet Mr. OneChele, I was going to need some Cyber-Assistance.

The commercial said that as long as I was honest and gave it a little time, eHarmony would match 29 dimensions of the wonderfulness that makes me ME and find someone just perfect, chemistry and all for little ole me. How excellent is that? I key in the truth about me and an algorithm way smarter than me finds my perfect mate for the low, low price of $24 (approx.) a month. SCORE! I spent more on Guatamalan coffee beans monthly. I was all in.

I took the surveys, went through my aptitude and character analyis results and punched in my preferences. Tall, Age appropriate, African American, within driving distance, smart, sexy, creative, employed, ambitious, educated, loves sports, Neo-Soul, mafia movies and me! How hard could it be?

I hit the "Find Matches" and awaited my true heart's desire. There are no matches that meet your criteria. Please try again. This was followed by a few paragraphs explaining to me that my criteria was too strict. Huh... sounded like eHarmony wanted me to lower my standards, to settle! Okay, issues... issues. I tried again. Less specific and broader, widened the geography. There are no matches that meet your criteria at this time. Please allow us 24 hours to find your matches. Oooo-kay. And here's what came next.

  1. Seriously? I received 42 matches within the next 36 hours. Of the 42, 12 could not spell, type, utilize basic grammar or understand the basic rules of capitalization. Any gentleman over the age of 35 who describes himself as "2 good 2 B true. Jist waitin on ma qween"... he's not bouge worthy. Note to fellas who hop on these boards, when sharing about yourself, do not respond in ALL CAPS: I HATE TALKING ABOUT MYSELF, YOU'LL JUST HAVE TO GET TO KNOW ME... literary fail, gents. Literary Fail.

  2. 7 of the men were under 5'10". Yes, I'm shallow but in heels I'm 5'10, 5'11 myself. It's my world people, don't judge me... NEXT

  3. In the section titled, "What can you not live without," one fella listed his gun and pitbull. SECURITY TO THE VIP ROOM PLEASE!

  4. There were six gentlemen that I really could not understand how I ended matched with them. Which of the 29 dimensions said I was down for camping, fishing, WWE, monster trucks or rock collecting? My idea of camping means staying at the Holiday Inn instead of the Four Seasons... CLICK and DELETE.

  5. Two of the men were too far away to be reasonable... Alaska and Guam. Alaska is... Alaska. I get cranky when the temperature goes below 40. Guam I had to google... hey, it's been a long time since 8th grade Geography ya'll.

  6. Four were only there for the "Free Communication Weekend" and needed me to provide my phone number, email, twitter, facebook, cell immediately. Can you say STALKER? I know I can. Onward we go.

  7. This left eight gentlemen. I sent over my first series of questions and eagerly awaited the feedback.

Here is where I will pause for the cause and sniffle for the good old days. You got dressed up, you went somewhere, saw someone and they saw you. Circled like Serengeti lions around the watering hole before one of you closed in. You flung your hair and smiled, he smiled back. Conversation flowed, sparks ignited and phone numbers got exhanged. Date one, date two, date three, date four and you're in a relationship.

For those of you dying to hear the rest of the eHarmony tails of BougieFail, they can be found here.

Does anyone else think relationships have gone too high tech with the texting and the facebooking and cyberstalking? Are you experiencing success in Dateland 2.0? Share a thought or a story.

9 comments:

msames said...

Your comments are sooo true! I also tried Eharmony and needless to say I was never matched with anyone. Actually I never even got to the point of "meeting" anyone. So I'm not quite sure the exact dimensions they are using to match people. I asked for close proximity, age appropriate, and to receive more matches (or so I thought) I marked race and education as "any". But I have noticed on their commercials that the people they show that were matched are from 2006! If they are that successful they should either update the commercials or the people involved in them. Nothing can compare to good ole fashion dating!

Sarah said...

My response to the eHarmony ads I used to see on TV was 'Uh-Huh.' It seems like all the 'lose 30 lbs in 6 weeks' diet ads that come out after New Year's. Too good to be true. People lie in person so how much more tempting is it for somebody to lie when filling out an online form?

Off topic. I saw on your twitter page that you finished book 2. Good for you! It must be a relief. What month can I pencil in for its publication date? :-)

Latoya said...

The digital age has definitely changed dating. I met my husband in a tatto shop. And we talked, since the tattoo artist was behind. He never asked for my number. (He assumed I was taken, since I was yapping to my friend about my ex. Ooops!) When I got home, I found a message from him on facebook. (I knew his cousin.) I then perused through his pictures so I could remember whether he was cute or not, before I responded. Did the same thing before our first date. Facebook kind of cheats you though. You get some insight into someone's life before ou discover it on the first date. Aw well...we still had a great first date and we are married now :-)

Page Bartlett said...

*clapping* I love this series. This is what broguht me to your blog in the first place.

BB Waite said...

"IS eHarmony telling me to settle?" < LMAO!

Melzie said...

ROFL...gotta go check out the rest...

keishabrown said...

i've tried them all. for 1/2 a second, but always felt a twinge of desparation. and it's that i felt men would prey on and just couldn't do it. so always end up deleting my profile in 2 weeks or under. plus people don't READ (i live in TORONTO..LA/Europe/Africa is just NOT gonna happen and I've dated plenty on the east coast of US so it's not distance it was THOSE distances..). But i'm a crackberry, which means i want everything instant and have never been a patient person, so it's probably a bad combo.
that being said - eHarm + Match + Chemistry NEVER matched me with those it claimed it would. but have a feeling that's because I wouldn't pay the hefty fee (eHarm is only $24/mo if you sign up for a year). which begs the question - if you are matching me with people based on this super criteria list..why should i sign up for a WHOLE year? a 1 month trial is $60. $60!?!!?! Thats a cable bill or a pair of shoes and some groceries!! in the end, i've met people online (remember blackplanet? ah..moment of silence) and ironically enough used to blog on a sports site - so ended up dating a couple of my blog fans from there - so im not adverse to online, but dating sites just seems so forced. everyone is trying to create a profile that presents them as perfect when no one is! it's like job hunting/writing a resume and cover letter. i'd rather meet someone organically (electronically or not, it is possible) than feel pressured into anything.
my 37 cents. :)

Liselle said...

I'm stealing "29 dimensions of FAIL" Hilarious!

sunt97 said...

Eharmony is a joke. I think about the fact that they do not show you anyone until you have a paid membership and if you get sucked in then you realize this great guy has a face that only a mother could love and you doubt she was able to say she loved it with a straight face. I have gotten over trying to find someone on these websites. If you are to meet him you'll run into one another soon enough.

Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com

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