Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Bringing Un-Sexy Back… When Sizzle falls flat.

I was at the Wholesale Club getting my shop on Saturday. Some days you leave the house knowing you look good. This was not one of those days. My cute game was not on point. My ponytail was of the raggedy variety, my makeup non-existent bar the shiny Carmex on my lips. My jeans had seen better days but at least my tunic tee shirt was cute and a flattering color. Oh the hell with it, I was not looking good and I gave less than a damn. Whatever, I was about business. A thirty-six pack of shrink-wrapped bottled water for $4.88 was serious business. And the fresh salmon was on sale for $3.99/lb – that's crucial.

So I was feeling up the fresh avocados when I felt a disturbance in the force. Literally, a sort of electric hush fell over the veggie section. I looked up and noticed all the women in the immediate area standing with their mouths open. Down the aisle came a fella I immediately nicknamed Chocolate Thunder. Thunder was motion-fiction fine ya'll. Not that I memorized details or anything but old boy was about 6'3", skin the color of sweet tea, he was rocking a black t-shirt and black jeans that clung to a really, really well-maintained physique. He was handsome, fine and had that "sexy thang" going on. [There's always a good reason to play some Chante Moore]

He paused to study the strawberries, seemingly unaware that every female in a four aisle radius imagined themselves feeding him those strawberries one at a time. Yes BougieLand, he was that level of beautiful. Suddenly he looked up and looked around, noticing for the first time that all eyes were on him. He smiled slowly and for some odd reason looked in my direction. "What's up?" He gave the universal black man head bob. I head bobbed back saying, "Uh you know, it's all good." [I know ya'll, #playerFAIL on my part. I told you I wasn't on my "A" game]. Anyway, after adding strawberries and blueberries to his cart he rolled off. The older woman next to me leaned over and said, "Woo, sexy!" I nodded and went about my way.

After I checked out, I loaded my trunk and hopped in my car. Looking over to the right, I saw Mr. Chocolate sitting in his car. I sat just enjoying the view right up until he started digging in his nose. [Eww and ick] And I do not mean a discreet dig. I mean mining for gold in there. And that's not the worst part… after extracting whatever he extracted, he wiped it down first on his shirt and then on his steering wheel. Ugh! The sizzle was gone. I contemplated tossing him some anti-bacterial hand gel and then decided to just go. I was a little nauseous. I've decided to call that a #SizzleKill.

It reminds me of one of my friends relating how he took this super-fine woman that he had been chasing for weeks out to dinner. Apparently she was the shit. Fine, smart, money of her own, in his words: flawless dime. He was so excited to be sitting across from a woman so exquisite and articulate. Right up until the food came and she dug her fingers into the food like the five-star restaurant was a camp site. She ate seafood linguine with her fingers, ignored the presence of silverware and napkins and had the tendency to spit particles of food out of her very full mouth when she spoke. He described the date as sitting in a sauna and having someone repeatedly toss ice cold water on you. See? #SizzleKill

I also find smart-assness (as opposed to caustic wit), bitchassness and trying too damn hard to be #SizzleKills as well. Can we agree that the fascination with fine fizzles, but smart and sophisticated sizzles? Okay, now that I'm rhyming, let me wrap it up here.

I defer to my audience… what is your number one #SizzleKill? Got any #SizzleKill stories to share? Once the sizzle is killed, can you ever get it back?

37 comments:

brendakay50 said...

After 5 months of running into each other on the military post where he was stationed and I worked as a civilian contractor, I was asked out on a date with an Army captain, who was absolutely gorgeous. Biracial {half Black, half Korean}, great conversations and seemingly good manners, loved sports and drove a classic 1968 Dodge Charger in candy apple red that he had restored. I was in heaven. We go to this really nice Korean restaurant, he's impressed that I eat "Kimchi" and know what "Bulgogi" is and the laughs and conversation is flowing.

After dinner, while sipping our tea and discussing what to have for dessert, the SizzleKill happens ~ Captain Gorgeous leans to his left side and farts ~ LOUDLY!

In my head the music stopped, my brain screamed "OH NO, HE DID NOT DO THAT!" and all my visions of future dates evaporated before my eyes. I've never been good at masking shock and disgust on my face, so when Captain Gas sheepishly says "...that in Korean culture farting is acceptable." I softly reminded him, that while we were in a Korean eating establishment, we were in fact in America and farting at the table is NOT acceptable.

Suddenly dessert didn't sound like such a great idea and Captain Gas drove me home. To his credit he did ask me out twice more, but I always had something else going on.

Liselle said...

LOL @ SizzleKill. You have found a bougie way to say "turn-off". Mine is people who talk about themselves constantly. You can't get a word in cuz the whole conversation is me, me, me

tiffanyinhouston said...

||||||||////////__________ (Internet flatline)

derek love said...

Well I would call it a definite sizzle kill when her HUSBAND shows up at restaurant with their baby.

rozb said...

Really bad teeth when he finally smiles, or the back of the neck looking like a pack of bad hot dogs as he walks away.. A clean razor (or pro touch up) and a dental plan goes a looooooong way.

Oh not to mention that first kiss that leaves your whole face smelling like slobber because he kisses like Hooch from Turner and Hooch. Will ruin an otherwise dreamy evening.

rozb said...

HA! So funny! Bet the Koreans who own the place looked at each other and said "They won't be back here together anymore..."

OneChele said...

What kills me is that Captain Gas leaned into it! Wow...

Page Bartlett said...

I have two words that equal Sizzle Kill - body odor.

beautifulcurare said...

ROTFLMAO!!! *crying* That was gross...I know that gas is a natural occurrence but that was so disrespectful...

Rob said...

Terrible table manners, the need to have the very last word, loud-talking to name a few.
But the biggest sizzle kill of all -talking/texting/tweeting (surgical attachment to cell phone) during a date - I hate that.

beautifulcurare said...

Sheesh...that was so trifling of him...ewwww! But in a funny way it makes sense...he looked too perfect and since no one is perfect, lol, that dig and smear campaign was just about right...

That said, I have to agree with Liselle, someone who is all about self is such a #SizzleKill...especially when they somehow turn whatever you say into something about them...

OneChele said...

Ruh-roh. Yep, that would do it.

Cassie said...

I had a date last week where the guy kept scratching/adjusting/feel himself... yes there! And not the MJ crotch pop, I mean prolonged touching. And then tried to hold my hand? No sir. No thank you.

Steve said...

While I like a lady to show off what she has (especially if she has a nice body), I prefer she hint at it. I don't need to know all your secrets immediately. Let me discover something on my own. So the woman who steps out in dental floss and a see-through band of fabric - that's a defeinite #SizzleFail

OneChele said...

Ego is one thing. Self-absorption something else altogether.

Hidi said...

Oh Lawd!!!! LOL. I can't believe it...wait.. yes I can. Some do have the nerve to do something disgusting like that. Yes, gas is natural but um...not at the dinner table. I can only imagine what it smells like...eeeeewwwww.

daisy said...

Love Chante Moore, love this song. How unfortunate that Chocolate Thunder had no home training. Which is my sizzle kill. Folks with no home training.

OneChele said...

I have a definite "teeth" thing. If someone looks (smells) like they have yet to discover dental floss - that's problem.

Hidi said...

I cosign 100%. Body Odor......Oh hell naw! Nope. Not doing it. Someone please explain to me how a person could be dress all nice and have a nice hair cut and smell like an animal died???? Don't people smell themselves. What makes it worst is when they try to cover it up with cologne . What???? It just makes it worst. 0_0 Super Sizzlekill

OneChele said...

Which brings up another SizzleKill - over cologne/perfume usage. Ugh. Your scent (good or bad) should not create a cloud of funk around you that lingers long after you're gone.

daisy said...

And it's usually that cheap stuff that turns your stomach and singes your nose hairs.. my mama says "a hint of scent is just enough"

Citizen Ojo said...

He just needs to learn how to pick his nose in public and play it off...he dug to deep... ha ha ha!

Mocha Dude Speaks said...

You know what though - disclaimer to SizzleKill. Most of the stuff listed in your story and the comments is a killer at first. By the time you've been with somebody a while, it's not that big of a deal. Although I'm not sure there's ever a good time to dispose of your nose drippings on your clothes...

ASmith said...

I. hate. when. guys. do. that.

I understand things get out of place and whatnot, but some dudes are WAAAAAAAAYYYY too obvious with it.

OneChele said...

Unless you have kids, there's no reason you can't turn your cell phone off for a meal. Really no good reason.

JaymeC said...

Without going graphic here, you know you are really in a relationship when (after a few dates at least) one of you passes gas and you can joke about it.

Mr. Analytical said...

I'm not sure if I have any SizzleKill stories but I have one that seems to fit in that category for me and you all can be the judge. I apologize in advance for any offensiveness that may occur, it's not my intent.

I actually will not go into too many details, I'll give you an overview and you can probably multiply 4 times 7 and piece it all together.

Picture it: Queens, NY; the place is called Dreams. This was back in the days before Grown Mr. was just above Master A status. It was my birthday, my boys decided we would go to Dreams to finish out the night. The place was small and packed tight. There was one particular girl that stood out from the rest...She had command of the place that night, it was her world with full control over the nuts. However, towards the end of the evening as she began her last set, in the lovely white outfit she was rocking, somewhere early in that routine everything came to a screeeeeeccchiiiinnnngggg halt. Y'all can put the rest together for yourselves....green means go...so.....Any Sizzle she had was definitely killed with the evidence to prove it.

truth be told...I actually felt bad for her due to the embarrassment she suffered. But while some 13 yrs later her embarrassment has surely faded...the stain and suffering in my mind remains. Are there any pro-bono therapist out there?

OneChele said...

So we're all in agreement that unrestrained bodily functions are a #SizzleKill?! LOL

Mr. Analytical said...

I think we all know these things happen, but once you work up a lot of sizzle, bodily functions, while not fair, will kill yo sizzle. I think it applies mostly to people we don't know. Now hear me out, Mr. Choco-boogies could be your man and what he did still wasn't excusable. But if I'm in a relationship, the same occurrence that Red Diamond experienced wouldn't bother me b/c it's a part of love.

Hey, before we get it on, a fart might kill the sizzle but only for a moment; I'm sure I can rise above all that. I'll just skip certain canine positions is all.

All Honey said...

Well alright then!

Jandsmama said...

Funkmaster Flex breath is SizzleKill for me in a minute! My own husband bet not try to snuggle up on me in the bed with funky breath. I just can't...

sunt97 said...

That sizzle can never come back. Your mind will always go back to that moment that you found them the least attractive and ruin everything, unless you have some "true love bug". I think finding out that your man is a punk is a true sizzle killer. Nothing worse than a man screaming louder than you when he sees a spider or a mouse.

Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com

maureen palmer said...

Ewww, do u think he did that deliberately to shut down the sizzle? Oh boy, that is so gross.

keishabrown said...

someone you've been diggin on and digs you right back...and ends up being
a) a bad kisser. that's like seeing a shoe on sale, that you love, fits your budget and doesnt fit.
b) bad in bed. like REALLY bad. like when i'm putting my list together of sexual partners, I want to undo/delete from history that it ever happened.

um.. yes this just happened to me recently. *sniff, sniff. (well..except the kissing part..which made the sex part that much more disappointing)

OneChele said...

My deepest, deepest condolences. Nothing worse. Okay, there are worse things... but that is bad. You've gone beyond #SizzleKill to #SkillzFAIL <-- yeah, I just make this stuff up

glamah@cococooks said...

Was to much Kimchi , I bet. LOL That will do it every time.

keishabrown said...

LOL @ #SkillzFAIL.
I like Drake Video/BET MJ Tribute fail myself! ;)

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