Brand new BougieTale to kick off Love and Relationship Week. This week, we'll be discussing lessons learned. In today's lesson, see how my current gun-shyness about relationships propelled me to act a complete ass and get called out for it. Enjoy:
Very up and down Valentine's Day weekend for OneChele. On the one hand, I did receive lovely roses from an ex-SO that I gave a laser-beam side-eye to before putting them in a vase and setting them to the side. On the opposite end of the spectrum, I was cursed clean out by a fellow I haven't even been out to coffee with. And when I say clean, I mean I got the wind up, "I hate to have to say this…" the full pitch, "And as long as I'm airing my feelings…" and the strikeout, "When you get over yourself you know where to find me. CLICK." Wow. Okay, before I make it sound like all of that came out of nowhere. Let me 'fess up.
Remember the dude (we'll call him Aaron) who sent the email asking if we could finally get together for coffee? The email came through 17 times and I thought he was begging in a stalker-y kind of way? Turns out Aaron sent the email once and some MS Outlook glitch replicated it. ANYway… I called him to say, "Hey!" and sure, we could get coffee sometime. Now here's where I'm just 22 parts of wrong: Every time he called to set something up, I had reasons why I couldn't go. Like a gajillion times in a row. Now before you all give me the "Oh, Chele!" let me sort of explain (list my excuses).
I do have this deadline. I was sick, I did have a gang of family descend for a weekend and on top of that… I really just didn't feel like going. Yeah, I said it. I just do not have the time or the energy to even TRY right now. Just the thought of putting on the dateable face and tipping out to make small talk seems a little exhausting. Add to the mix an ex-SO calling up with some reconciliation discussion that distracted me for a half second and I just wasn't feeling the new guy.
Which is what I SHOULD have said in the first place… I know this. Instead, I hoped that my vague promise of "sometime" would linger out there for a while. Aaron was not about "sometime." He called, he emailed, he texted. And too his credit he even asked, "Do you just not have time to pursue a relationship right now?" Seriously, he threw it out there. All I had to do was pick it up and take the out. But no. I didn't want to be the girl who pouts about not having a relationship and then saying I don't have time for one. And yes, a part of me liked the attention and wanted to keep him around until I made up my mind. Yes, I recognize this as a selfish trait. Moving on… What I cockily said was, "Oh, I make time for what's important." <- - those words will be come back to haunt me.
This past week he called and said, "What reason do you have for not seeing me this week?"
Ouch. Trying to do some damage control I said, "I'm sorry; I know I'm being impossible. I'm not sure I'm in a place to date anybody right now. I've had a string of unfortunate dating experiences and I'm not at my best."
**crickets**
After a super-awkward silence he said, "Really? That's what you're going with? After five weeks of excuses, you're going with the gun-shy fallback?"
"Oh I AM gun-shy-"
"What does that have to do with me? I haven't hurt you. I'm just trying to get coffee with a woman I thought was attractive and interesting."
Kevlar needed. Shots fired. "Um…"
"Why don't you think about that answer and get back to me before the weekend?"
"Oo-kay."
So right here was my opportunity to put on the grown-up girl pants and either say, "Okay let's go." Or "Not right now but thanks for your interest." What did I do instead? Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Yes, I'm coming across real shady right now.
Therefore, when Aaron called and unleashed his wrath on me telling me that I was a wishy-washy woman acting like a scared little girl, I really couldn't say much. When he said I could've just told him five weeks ago that I wasn't up for even baseline relationship maneuvers instead of having him call again and again… I agreed. When he said he wouldn't have thought I was the type of girl to string guys along for the fun of it, I was ashamed. When he told me he heard me say I make time for what's important and I hadn't deigned to carve out fifteen minutes for him, I winced. When he said I was too old to be playing with folks, I had no viable argument.
And when he hung up on me, I knew he was justified. Even knowing all of that, I couldn't just leave it there. I hate being the bad guy so… I called him back. And apologized sincerely, even went as far as telling him that if I had been treated like that, I wouldn't have been HALF as gracious as he was. And then I asked if he wanted to meet me for coffee at the Barnes & Noble where I had to sign some books. He said, "So this is a pity coffee? You think you can toss some last minute invitation out and I'll just hop at the chance?" I didn't answer. He sighed, "I'll see you in twenty minutes." [sheepish grin]
It was okay. He's a nice guy. No major sparks but again, I'm not on my A game and would not recognize sparks if they came in the form of 20-ft high firecrackers on the Fourth of July. And of course now I'm wondering... why DID this guy wait 3 years and 5 five weeks to have 45 minutes of coffee? I mean I'm cute but not all that! I can't think of anyone I'd wait 3 years and 5 weeks for... maybe Idris or Maxwell... maybe not - none of us are getting any younger. So, what is that about? Yes, now I'm just all in the weeds.
Aaron reached out later in the afternoon by sending an email saying, "I could tell from the way you left it that you are happy to slide me into the Friend Zone limbo. But before you do that, have you heard this song by Joe?" He sent a song that I actually really love. It's called Why Just Be Friends (song is great, video is sucky. Stay with me):
And in case I STILL didn't take his meaning, he sent some lyrics:
Now I know that love has failed you many times before.
But I'm trying to make you see that the only one is me.
So forget the other guys you dated long ago.
And just let your mind be free, let's be more than just friends.
Stop, drop your fears. Baby come get with me.
Give me your tears, I got the remedy.
Take down your shield, I'm not the enemy.
Girl I just wanna be the only one who can make you happy.
It's actually kind of sweet in a super-persistent kind of way. Interestingly enough, if I was giving advice to myself I would say, "Give the guy a shot. What can it hurt? When you get knocked down, you don't leave the ring. You get back up and come out the corner swinging." But how often do we listen to the advice given to us?
Okay BougieLand, hit me with it. You may comment on my idiocy OR you can share your own "once bitten, twice shy" tales. Would you wait 3 years and 5 weeks to have coffee with someone? Or just say hello… the floor is yours.
37 comments:
I'm of this school of thought; not dragging folks thro' the mud or staying on the fence as i figure myself out. My immediate reaction would be to say; I'm not in a place to pursue a relationship, of cours deep down i would be wondering if just screwed the best opportunity. With that said though, i belive if the chemistry is not there do not even think about it.
SMH....My dear, if I hear one more black single woman argument, I am sending the person to this entry. We do this as women in general...if a guy is showing real interest we shy away. I might be missing something here but you did not say anything about this dude rubbing you the wrong way or your instincts saying don't pass go. You said an EX?? was appearing with some reconciliation stuff. Only you know why you broke up with the ex (or vice versa) and only you can make the judgement call as to whether its a good chance to go with him.
The chemistry might not be there because he is pursuing real hard, you know we like the guy that doesn't necessarily give two hoots (and this is unfortunately women at every age). If there is no chemistry, I say let the dude down nice and easy. If you are just making excuses.......
I think both honesty and following your instincts are a good idea. I know that I'd rather somebody was honest with me even if it was rejection or hurtful, than either let me think all was OK or that something was a possibility that was not. This has happened and I was not happy. There is nothing wrong with being tired and needing a break. We live in a society that demands 24/7 attention and it isn't the way people were meant to live. Recuperation becomes more and more important as you get older. I expect that the man in question was probably in one or more relationships during those years and they ended and he remembered you and the idea that he wanted to get to know you.
Growing up with 7 brothers has taught me this about men: if they are reaaalllyyy interested they will let you know, they will cross the ocean on one jet ski just to have you walk by them on the street just so they can see you walk by...and this guy has waited 3 years and five weeks...THREE YEARS AND FIVE WEEKS for a cup of coffee! Girl....don't be one of those women who are forever looking for a good man and ignore whats right there.....C'mon now Chele, give the guy a chance but be forthright, honest and open. If the shoe was on the other foot you'd tear him a new one....mmmmhhhmmmm, lol
It doesn't sound like you are really feeling the guy. You sound very lukewarm and underwhelmed by him. No matter how nice he is, if you don't feel a spark, you can not make fire. I believe firmly that no matter how busy you are, if you want to see or talk to someone, you WILL MAKE TIME. It is really that simple.
Dude sounds like a nice guy, but maybe he is just not the guy for you. If this is the case, the kindest thing to do would be to tell him so sooner rather than later.
One - great song. I missed this one. Two - you so clearly could give less than a damn about this dude. Just rip the band-aid off, quit tortuiring the poor guy.
Some people would say give the guy a shot... I'm not one of those people. It kinda seems like he has a cloak of desperation draped over him - and he's reaching out to be in a relationship by any means necessary. Methinks your hesitation is due to him being so thirsty.
Maybe if he played it cooler, you might be more apt to see him...
Okay, this. Not that I condone game playing but brother doesn't need to show his entire hand that way. Or as we used to say- stop being so pressed. Give you a chance to wonder about something. On the flipside, girl cut the cord.
Agreed. Lack of sizzle is a major fail.
Well now. You admittedly could've handled this better however, let's be truthful - if you were into this guy you would have hopped at the chance to meet him for coffee, tea or bottled water. Just move along, dear.
Damned if we do, damned if we don't. I give him points for patience, I would've lost your number after the second excuse. It's obvious you aren't feeling him, stop being typical and just tell the man to move on. It'll save you both a lot of time, you should be honored at the effort, most guys would've walked a long time ago.
I wouldn't say women shy away when a guy is showing real interest. I would say we don't alway know our own minds... then again neither do they. That's why they call it a battle ;-)
In your defense, you have been through quite a bit so I understand the slow wading back into the water. And truthfully, he has shown willingness to sit around and wait while you decide if you're interested. I know no other men who would wait this long for coffee. Either he's completely sprung and desperate or you are the baddest chick that side of the Mason-Dixon line. Either way, he doesn't take subtle hints just go head and cut him now.
I see the folks are going in but here's the question - how much do you really owe someone you've never been on a date with? After you said no the first two times, he should have walked. While it would have been nice for you to give him a shove towards the exit, he chose to hang in.
This is not nearly as bad as dating and sleeping with someone KNOWING there's nothing there. Now that is heinous. This is just side-eye worthy. Onto the next, girl.
Yeah I would ;-)
You went where I was going. Folks have done WAY worse than what amounts to just not having coffee with some dude. I'm not even sure you needed to apologize. He played on your sympathy to get his coffee. He got it, done. You are too hard on yourself.
Ditto everyone else. Let him heal his broken wings and fly again...to somewhere else.
Random thought: the banner is cute for this week.
Next - you know what? I had a guy tell me he was all in, make all sorts of promises, wine me, dine me, play sexual olympic games and then disappear. Now THAT nets a tirade and a hang up. Sure you could've shut him down more firmly but this cat sounds like he was determined to keep coming back anyway. Not sure why. Not that you're not all that and then some but what kind of game is he running? I'm suspicious. Run (not walk) away.
They say timing is everything. Assuming he is a normal and interesting individual, it just may not be his time with you.
I think a consensus is forming here.
Dude is toast. A for effort, F for execution.
Well... Aaron took care of all of that.
I understand it though, Chele. I do. Everytime I think I'm ready to jump in the game again -- I get gun shy. Just the thought of what it takes makes me tired and I'd rather skip that race all together.
I have to say though, I admire his persistence and say he deserves a shot because of it. I think women complain a lot that men don't know what they want anymore than we do -- so when you find one who does (and you're unsure) I say go for it.
Sigh -- but I know... the damn thing is SO exhaustive.
And I'm not waiting 3 years and 5 weeks for some coffee. I'm moving on -- if he comes around at a time when I'm available (which at the rate I'm going is almost assured -- but this isn't about me, now is it?) then great, but waiting? Whoo wee -- that's like playing with fire.
Girl, you know he's cut. Let's move on to the next....
Since you're in a sharing mode and all - which EXSO sent the flowers? Who wants to comeback? SPILL IT!
Cuz Aaron's already history.
Excuse me ladies, let a man drop a little light on this subject.
Okay OneChele, right in the door you said you were wrong. Yep, I second that emotion :-). You were Double-Bubble wrong. I know it feels good to be chased but woman, you played that to a bust.
Let me flip the script. It's no secret that good men are in short supply, right? Okay, not that I am all that but available women are everywhere! ...even in church, I get the "call me baby" look, and the .. "we can make someone jealous" look... all the time. From 8 to 88, blind crippled and crazy, the beat goes on. Well, lets just say there's not a short supply of good atractive women.
Some women are more, you know, classy with their thang. It's more of the small talk variety with the "lets do coffee" at the end. Now, since I am no spring puppy and neither are they, er'body knows the next move. Okay, the balls in my court... woe is me. Now Chele, I'm going to jump in your shoes. To woman: "yeah baby, we can do that, but let me get back at you... later-later-later-later-later"
If and when I do that, I wonder if I've given that woman ( those women) false hopes in exchange for me feeling like daddy slick thang. Women in the cupboard makes some men feel real good, but women nor men want to be played with.
It ain't blog talk when the rabbit got the gun.
A song by the Marvelettes (old school): "I had laid such a tender trap, hoping you might fall into it. But love hit me like a sudden slap, one kiss and then I knew it.
My plan didn't workout like I thought, cuz when I laid my trap for U, it seems like I got caught.
What's this whole world coming to, things just ain't the same, anytime the hunter gets captured by the game"
Good try though. ;)
Ladies, why can't the brother get his shot? Granted, he's a little to the needy side but I think he nets more than beverage.
I believe there's a reason why this man is still on the scene.......I think you should give him a chance to either prove you wrong or right. Who knows? Maybe he's 'the one'. And if not, you've enjoyed some caring companionship for a while - it's a win/win. I always feel it's right to at least give others the benefit of the doubt initially and until they show out, but when the time comes to call "bullshigitty", it must be done in a clearly indisputable voice.
Go 'head - give him a chance!
Nice song! You should give him a chance.
3 years? I personally would not wait 3 days for someone who wasn't giving me the time of day but that's just me. Since I haven't heard you list any reasons why he's not date-able I'm guessing he's at least worth a shot. Any man that pursues you like that obviously knows what he wants and sticks with it. I agree you were wrong to string him along...the poor man deserves at least a couple more dinners, give him a chance :-)
Uh, oh. Looks like the pro Aaron side is rallying. I will offer this nugget of thought (while hopefully not sounding wishy-washy). I believe you said there were no sparks, and yet one has to ask where are those from the past who were electric? Sometimes, the one who provides an abundance of energy (electricity) also offer an abundance of drama. At least that has been my experience. I will leave it at that.
Hmmm...something's a little "off" (not with you but him). A guy waiting that long for coffee? I'm not sure, but if you haven't at least had a twinge of excitement about going out with him it could be your intuition speaking (screaming...? yelling...? lol). There's nothing wrong with being friends, of course, but it doesn't sound like that's the route he wants to take.
The persistence sends up a red flag to me, but that's because "Woody Woodpecker" dudes drive me nuts. Not too mention, if he's this annoyed about a casual meeting, will he understand when you're really pressed for time and can't drop everything for him? I have other thoughts, but in reality, you have to go with what works best for you (and not when you're under pressure) :-).
I don't have a good feeling about Aaron. What's with the passive-aggressive? H e was mad you wouldn't go out with him? Walk away. Then you throw him a bone and he junps on it. Now he wants more again. Ugh.
okay here is my immediate emotional response " go on the damn date!!!!!!"
and now my grown up response, I think you should give him the shot. Maybe he waited until he got himself together to approach someone that he believes is worth more than to deal with someone who does not have his thing together.
Girl, I feel you! ::guilty of being gun shy myself:: So I completely understand what you mean when you say "you just dont feel like it sometimes."
Even though I don't really see anything too serious coming from this Aaron dude, it can't hurt to give him a chance. You could give him an honest chance and just ride it out to see what happens.
Take it from me the strongest love is the slow love. I have come to learn to love who loves you and you will slowly come to love them just as they love you. Might sounds silly but believe me its the greatest love.
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