Monday, February 22, 2010

Beefs, frenemies and BFFs – the ever evolving challenges of friendship (guest post)

For the record (and in case I haven't mentioned it eleventy thousand times), I love smart people. People who can communicate, engage and be witty (without malice). This week you will get to meet some of those people. Yes indeed, it's Smart Guest Post Week on BnB. Because I want to hear other voices, I appreciate the brainpower and I have a deadline in nine days. Today, I bring the always vibrant and verbose A.Smith of Diamond Dust. Enjoy and show some comment love…

What's the old saying? "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime." It's really a feel good statement. It helps us recognize that not everyone is supposed to be in our lives forever. It can keep us on the lookout for those people who, if we let them stick around for awhile, might drain us of all the goodness we can muster in a sometimes not so good world. I mean this is a really good saying, full of all kinds of...uhh... well... stuff that makes clichés good. The only problem with it is it doesn't do the best job of explaining how you know which person fits into which category.

I actually believe we had it right as kids. Do you remember when you were younger and another kid would walk up to you and ask to play with the toy you were playing with and ended their request (which, now that I think about it, was more often a demand) with "I'll be your friend..."? I do. I think we had it right back then. Simple. Very simple. You give me that toy, we'll be friends. You don't give me that toy and we won't be friends. As adults we can hear all the nuances in that. The manipulation, the suggested temporary time limit, etc... but as kids, it was straightforward. When the toy was done with, the friendship had run its course -- unless the two of you found something else you both liked -- then the friendship kept going and if you realized that you seemed to always like doing the same things, well, eureka! Lifelong friend. No muss, no fuss.

Sometime during middle and high school, though, we learned that there's nothing simple about friendships. Your BFF today might be your greatest enemy tomorrow. Your enemy from yesterday? Oh, we like her now. Makes me think of a time in high school...

My Senior year in high school my then BFF had some serious beef with another girl in our class, Amanda. The specific details are lost but it had something to do with the fact that rumor had it Amanda was trying to push up on the then-BFF's ex. One random afternoon I was at her house, as usual, lying across her bed. We'd played the "what will we do tonight?" game ad nauseum and I was about to give up and go home. Out of nowhere then-BFF whirls around in her chair and says, "do you have Amanda's number?" I scrunched up my face and slowly nodded yes. "Well, call her and see if she wants to hang out with us tonight."

Flabbergasted is not the word for what I was feeling. I just knew she had some sort of really bad plan in mind that involved humiliation on a level that only a high school girl can create. I asked, "why do you want to hang out with her? I thought you didn't like her." Then-BFF just laughed, like I'd told a really funny joke, and responded, "Oh. That was last year! We've moved on from that." That night was the first night of many that Amanda kicked it with the then-BFF and I, as if we'd all been lifelong buddies. There was never an explanation, never a conversation. Everything just kept trucking like it all made sense.

Of course, what I fail to mention is that Amanda joined our 3-musketeer routine in part because we had an opening. See, the then-BFF had just kicked the other BFF out of the group. Friends become enemies and enemies become friends and you have no idea why.

I remember being very excited about going to college because of all the mature adults I would meet. People who were ready to put aside childish things and be for real about creating and maintaining real and true friendships. Boy was I wrong. College seemed to be the perfect opportunity for everyone to practice all the manipulation skills they learned in high school. And this post-graduate life? Well, look no further than the desk one over from you, or the cubicle behind you. We don't do friendships anymore. Like I said -- we had it right on the playground in elementary school.

Through trial and error, I've come up with a few "rules of thumb" and a handful of questions one might ask themselves as they navigate the treacherous "friendship" waters.

First, keep it simple. Friendships don't have to be overly complicated and it's usually about the time they get complicated that it's a good sign that it might be time to let go.

Second, don't be afraid to cut ties. This is one I struggle with. I'm not a fan of burning bridges -- and that's not what I'm suggesting. Rather, don't be afraid to tell a person (as a friend told me once, about another person) "you may be a good person, you're just not good for my life." If it doesn't feel like a good fit, it probably isn't. You wouldn't buy a pair of shoes that hurt your feet would you? Then why stick around in a friendship that's no longer working for you?

Third, don't be afraid to fight for a friendship. I know, I know -- this seems to fly in the face of what I just said, but all relationships hit rough patches. It's ok to want to fight for a friendship. Good friends, true friends don't come by all that often. If you have one, do your part, hold up your end of the deal and don't be afraid to fight for it.

Ok, ok, you're thinking, we know how to do friendships, but what about knowing what kind of friendship we're in?

Good question grasshopper. I'm glad you asked.

The reason that handy dandy cliché doesn't do much by way of explaining how you know who is who is because it's not cut and dry. You don't mix in a little baking soda and get your answer. But you can ask yourself a few questions...

Do you find yourself talking to this friend but really having nothing to say? Perhaps there was a period of time, typically before some major event, where you guys had all kinds of things to talk about but now, after this event, there's nothing to say at all. Lots of empty (and uncomfortable) dead space? More than likely this was a friend who was in your life for a reason. The tricky thing about "reasonal" (yes, I made that up) friends is sometimes they can grow to something more, if everyone puts in the effort. Be careful not to trick yourself into thinking that a friendship can be more than it is without any real work. All relationships take work.

Is this friendship on an even keel? Do you feel like you're giving more than you take (or, perhaps, taking more than you give)? If the friendship's not on an even keel and hasn't been for a while even though it used to be, it's probably a good sign that this is a seasonal friendship.

A lifetime friend is probably not someone you need a checklist for. They're the ones you struggle to imagine your life without. The ones you call first (or second, if you're lucky and have more than one) when something major happens. They've seen you cry, seen you happy. They're encouraging in times of doubt and honest when you're a bit too gassed up. They're far from perfect and they piss you off sometimes, but even then you appreciate what they bring to your life.

The biggest mistake we sometimes make is ignoring the signs. Wanting a seasonal friendship to be more than it is (without putting real work into it). Allowing people who are in our life for only one reason to stay around for more reasons until they've sucked us dry. We have to take stock of what's going on in our space because if we don't, we relinquish control.

To close, let me fill in some holes from the story I told earlier...

While we never had a conversation about why Amanda was suddenly cool (or why Lauren, the ousted friend, suddenly wasn't) I realized in the weeks before graduation that then-BFF had a master plan that involved a lot of trickery you'd never expect a high schooler to be capable of. Everything had been calculated. (This is a story for another time, but let's just say she managed to not only convince a girl her boyfriend was cheating on her, but get him to admit to it when he didn't actually cheat) When then-BFF realized Lauren was too much of a threat she put her on the outs and when she realized I wouldn't be a good fit for what she needed (someone to accept a lot of lies without asking questions) she called on an unsuspecting person -- Amanda.

Before we made it to our first year of college, then-BFF had stopped talking to me. She never told me why and I never got a chance to ask. In the years that followed I deduced that she had a much better handle on our friendship than I did. I was seasonal. I served my purpose, she let me go. I'd been following along, watching the way she dropped "old" and "trusted" friends like they were nothing, thinking our friendship was bigger and better than that. Truth was, it wasn't and if I'd spent more time paying attention and less time being self-assured, I probably would've seen the hammer before it knocked me out.

BougieLand -- how do you determine which of your friends are worth the effort? Any rules of thumb of your own to add? Any stories of mistaken friendship identities?

42 comments:

BB Waite said...

The older you get, the harder it is to distance yourself from "old friends" that you find you have nothing in common with anymore. And you find yourself less inclined to "make friends" with a lot of random folks. The dynamics of friendship definitely change over time. Great post!

Just Passing By said...

Truthfully, we grown-ups could stand to look at a lot of things through a child's eyes. Your first intinct (especially with friends) is generally the right one. We lose that after childhood.

1xellus1 said...

Chele, you articulated this far better than I could have. Let me just say that it feels sooo good to throw out those shoes that hurt my feet. AMEN! LOL I have so much peace now that the emotional vampire is officially out of my life. It was most definitely a "seasonal" friendship. Great Post Sis!

ASmith said...

Man that old friend shtick is a hard one to shake.

You stick around because "we've known each other so long..."

We'd do ourselves a favor not to give old friends a pass. Sometimes they can be the worse cause they think they don't have to put in any work.

Good call!

OneChele said...

I would take credit but @ASmith86 wrote this one! Love the phase emotional vampire by the way...

ASmith said...

THIS!

We lost a lot as we grow up. Kids don't like it when it's hard, so they make it simple and usually simple is true.

AssertiveWit said...

This was AWESOME! You said everything that I've ALWAYS felt and thought on this matter. I never too much agreed with the saying "friends for a season" because when I befriend someone it is until they don't want to be friends anymore. I normally don't "break up" with my friends because I understand we are all different and if I didn't want to tolerate that, I should have left them at Associate status. Therefore, if I was really close to someone and they wanted to just "disappear" out of my life, I always figured they should have the decency to say some kind of "goodbye" before deciding that we just aren't meant to be as close as we once were. I had to suck it up and accept that everyone's definition of friendship will not be or remain the same and when people want to just bounce, I have to let them. However, what they have to understand is that in order for us to ever get back to the point where I am referencing them as a "friend", they are going to need to communicate a hell of a lot better than previously and if THEY can't do that, then they aren't the friend for me.

Jason P said...

Fellas just tend to fallback, one day we're running the streetz with dude then we see something out of hand and we just fallback - disappear. Half the time I don't realize I'm not friends with somebody anymore until I look around and realize he's ghost. *kanye shrug*

Jasmin said...

Great post A. Smith! I'm currently in college, so I feel like I'm experiencing the whole "old friends who you don't have anything in common with" + "new friends who aren't content to stick within their season" at the same time. I feel like I'm different than most of the people I attend school with (especially the "Black crowd", since there are so few of us) in that I didn't come in looking for a BFF for life with whom I'd kick it now and come back for alumni events in the future. I go to school relatively close to home (only an hour and a half away), and I'm secure in my good friendships. I know the demise of some relationships has been directly due to some friends wanting more...exclusivity(?) than I was willing to give.

Second point, for some reason I've always attracted the quiet, clingy types, even though I'm a "social butterfly" of sorts. I've yet to figure out why, but I've definitely been called the "girl with the sidekick" a time or two.

LikeLena said...

What I hate is the dynamic women get in when there's this competitiveness between friends. Like are you closer to friend 1 or friend 2, who is your BEST friend? Aargh. And the shake up when a man enters the mix... can we not have room for everybody? (Venting a little...)

Sarah said...

Interesting post. I haven't put as much thought into this as you have, but looking back I'd say you've described it well. My sister has been my best friend for the last couple of decades. Growing up I was the pesky little sister, but after leaving home I've taken care to cultivate her friendship. She is the only person I completely trust and a year and 1/2 ago when I left my ex on a hot July day, she let me stay at her home for a couple of months while I came up with a plan. She proved her friendship because she didn't give me grief about it. There were no 'I told you so's or 'you should have's.' I still have to keep a lid on my needy little sister mode that surfaces every once in a while, but it is worth it to keep her friendship. And reading this also made me think of the younger sister of my ex who had she been anybody other than his sister would have been in the avoid category. She was somebody who could drain a person dry.

ASmith said...

People are drawn to a certain "light" about a person. The quiet clingy types being the greatest example. There's nothing wrong with quiet (clingy is sketchy and annoying). I think most quiet people want to be more "out there" but don't know how. Then they find someone who seems very secure in themselves and it's a moth to a flame, like no moth to a flame before it.

And don't be the type of person who's open and friendly. It's a done deal.

I've never understood the attraction to being in someone's shadow, but it's a comfortable place for some. All the benefits with little of the risk. You can meet all kinds of people and never have to step out there yourself one time. Some people genuinely need a little help, but others become more like leeches than friends.

ASmith said...

I completely agree with this. I don't get in the friends game for the short haul (I told a friend once, "I'm a long-haul type of person, so if that's not your game be careful..."). If I'm putting for the effort to maintain a friendship it's because I see something in you I want to hold on to.

We use "Friends" too freely sometimes, with no qualifying title... ::shrug::

OneChele said...

There was a point after college where I was EVERYBODY's Dear Abby and very few people were mine. When friendship begins to feel like an obligation or really hard work, it's just not worth it. I would come home from hanging out with those people exhausted. When I moved to California, I only kept a select few out the legions of "friends" I had in Texas. I made it a point to only cultivate friendships with people who understood reciprocity and maturity (with one exception - that's a whole other BougieTale). At this point I'm pleased to say I've separated the true friends from the acquaintances and wanna bes... for now.

ASmith said...

Now that's something we do carry over from elementary school that we have to let go.

I can't even TELL you how many "well, you told her, why didn't you tell me??" Convos I've had.

Oh and please don't let me get started on "Why do you always go on trips with her and not invite me?" That's a whole other blog post right there... Lord bless it...

I think we're in some wierd twilight zone. Must be.

derek love said...

It actuallyticked me off when I realized that some guys I'd been friends with when I was Little Derry where not going to make it through to the fully realized evolution of Mr. Love. When it appeared that bringing them up with me was holding me back, I had to cut them loose. And I got the beef, "You think you too good for us now that you all educated." It stung but I moved on. You cannot keep "ain't bout shit ninjas" on your coat tail when you're on that come up. Can. Not. Do. It.

derek love said...

Great guest post by the way. Chele - you hang with good folks... I say modestly.

ASmith said...

Speak to my spirit, Lord Jesus.

THIS!

This is my life right now. I'm kinda getting a tick thinking about how many people, just in the last 3 days, have said something a lot like "I need you for advice, you're the only person I trust."

I wanna scream, "What about my life looks like I know what to do!?" ::deep sigh::

It's nice to be appreciated and trusted to give sage advice, but what you need is someone who's willing to reciprocate. Lauryn Hill taught us that word, so let's use it (ok fine -- she taught us "reciprocity" but we can make the logical jump here)

Mr. Analytical said...

I hate to get on a gender kick but from my experiences it seems a little different for the fellas. Like Jason P said, one day you turn around and the person you kicked it with is ghost. For me I assess my friends by some very simple criteria. Are we cool? Do you check for me like I check for you? How long have I known you? and Have we gone to hell and back?

See I don't make many new friends "unfortunately." Sure I meet people, we become associates or whatever but there's no way we're going to pick up after 5 years like nothing has happened the way I do with my old friends. With new dudes you can't be too sure where they're coming from, what they've been through, or what their values are. So there's always a distance that will be maintained. It's nothing personal and it seems cynical I know but you gotta be on your Ps and Qs in this world. All of my true blue friends are my road dogs. We've laughed, cried (yep, fellas cry around fellas), supported, talked sh*t on one another, fought and reconciled. Who ever has been through all of that with me and is still standing are Analytically Approved. I've known all of my true friends for 20 yrs or better and open enrollment is closed. I don't really assess new potential friendships to see if they'll be true blue because their position in my life is already "pre-determined." We're going to be cool...to an extent and my ladies and gentlemen that are my peoples are like supreme court justices, they have a lifetime appointment.

jake said...

If I have $5 for each of the dudes I had to cut along the way. Some guys never outgrow that "frat party" mentality when the rest of us realize college is over? And the whole "your girl got you whipped" because I'm hanging with her on a Saturday night and not them... uh, no dude. She's better company. Grow up already.

OneChele said...

Love this... Analytically Approved is an instant classic.
Yep, it's a little different. I know of no men who need friends to go shoe-shopping with. I have friends for the superficial (shopping and snacks), friends for the hard times, and a select few I can take everything too.
It's not cynical, you can't expect that someone you meet in 2008 is gonna to "get you" like someone you met in 1998. It's the simplicity of time put in.
Did I mention I love this comments?

Violet Rose said...

I've always been a girl who made male friends more easily than female friends until recently. That caused more side-eyes and drama than necessary. I guess it's a whole other topic but I do believe men and women can be "just friends"

Violet Rose said...

People always drift to the "smart girl" hoping some of what she's got will rub off. Not realizing all their rubbing just wears you down.

ASmith said...

I was just telling a friend that I haven't made a new friend in 6 years (ok, that's not ALL the way true, but you get my point). Hell, I've almost forgotten how.

I like the old friends -- I like not having to explain my idiosyncracies ad nauseum. But I'm wary of getting caught up in "but she's such an old friend" when said friend starts acting a fool. Old friends deserve some passes, but not a whole lot and I'm trying not to give the side-eye to new people who wanna be down (no Brandy).

Just recently I had a situation where a girl I just met wanted to come kick it with me when I was out with some old, old friends. One of my friends is super skeptical of all new people so she had nothing good to say after the fact. Unfortunately, her assessment was what I relied on as I may or may not have been (slightly) intoxicated during this encounter. I realized I almost exclusively formed an opinion of the new girl based on what an old friend said.

New people can add things, but Lord knows the old ones can keep your head on straight for sure (it's funny how when I re-tell stories from my past, new folks don't ever seem to have the same reaction as my old friends did, as it happened...)

ASmith said...

I have to say this was an eye-opener. I feel like dudes never want to cut their friends...

"But that's my boy..."

Even when your boy is on some stupid stuff.

Man's World said...

We try to back the boys but sometimes they get flagrant and have to get cut.

Man's World said...

That's actually when you know you've grown up. When you would rather spend a Saturday night at home with the girl then out cuttin' up with the fellas.

bougiesis said...

Great post - You know, my issue is that sometimes when I cut someone off, they won't stay cut. I had a friend when I lived out in the Bay Area and I realized that it was too one-sided - me giving all the advise and counsel but getting nothing but a headache in return. When I left the bay, I told her I was moving on. So, why would she send me a "just thinking of you email" at Xmas? Seriously, it's been more than 5 years. I opted for no replay...

JaymeC said...

Some people hate to let go of a good thing, and just can't help but to keep reaching out. I have one of these from over eight years ago when I was on the East Coast. She was a draining, negative, needy woman with a victim mentality. I kept trying to "fix her" and realizse this was not a friend but a patient. I cut her off when I left town but she sends me cards and emails once a quarter. I too opt for the "ignore"

Hidi said...

Good Post :)
How do you determine which of your friends are worth friends?

-Is there reciprocity? If the person only contacts you when he/she are in trouble but does not call to say hello and how are you doing?-I don't think this person is your friend. (this is my rule of thumb for determining who to let go or not take seriously at all)

I have always been selective of who I call a friend. It is a challenge to figure out who are the "fly-by" person(s). I believe a "true friend" accept you (good AND bad) LOL

I have an Ex-BFF; I thought she was a friend but I was wrong. No one is perfect you live and learn. I have more acquaintances than I do friends. It is what it is. :)

By the way, I think making new friends is an interesting experience. I also understand it can be "overwhelming"( starting all over again; trying to decide who they be categorize as acquaintance or friend..LOL)

Page Bartlett said...

I just went through an ugly "split" with one of my oldest girlfriends over the holidays. I just re-read Chele's http://www.blacknbougie.com/2009/12/five-women-its-hard-to-be-friends-with.html (5 women it's hard to be friends with) and realized this girl was one of those Miss KnowItAlls - everything was a competition and when she couldn't win the competition, she decided to either destroy or take mine - one of those "if I can have it, no one can" things.

I started noticing behind some drama with a pair of boots! We both liked a pair, they only came in my size so I bought them. She was attitudish the rest of the day but I didn't get why. A few weeks later when she was over to the house I realized she was really down on the guy I was dating. So much so that it was skewing my perception of him. When she left later I noticed a huge scrape across my boots which had been in the closet on a shelf. As Chele says - the HELL? When I called her on it she said it was an accident that happened when she tried them on. At that point I took a mental inventoryof things she had said and done that ended in me suffering, not feeling good about myself or the like.

Far more came to mind than I liked. I called her back and called her on it. She said it was all in my mind from my jealousy of her. Sure. Done. Life is WAY too short for that shiggitty. I quit!

Mr. Analytical said...

I'm glad you liked it. Did I mention I love your blog? No? I love your blog. We can be new friends, lol.

Mr. Analytical said...

The only "old friends" that make the cut are ones I don't worry about acting a fool. Otherwise, no matter how long I've known them, they are in a different category.

as for that one encounter..."slightly" intoxicated, huh?

ASmith said...

Excellent addition. Someone who only calls when they need something is a red flag if I ever saw one.

OneChele said...

Um-hmm, I was skipping over that "slightly" intoxicated statement but since you brought it back up - do explain Ms. Smith...

OneChele said...

We most certainly can.

ASmith said...

So ya'll not gonna let that go? Dang. :)

We were out, having a good time. I was home for the holidays and we were all trying to act like we're still in undergrad. By the time she got there, I was 2-3 strong drinks in.

In my defense, I remembered the night (I always do) but there were things my skeptical friend pointed out that I didn't pay any attention to at the time (like how this girl knew some of our friends but wouldn't explain where from -- and neither would the guys...).

I've let some old friends get away with some serious stuff that I'd never let a newbie slide on but for the most part, when I say "old" friend, I'm talking a decade or longer, so the idea is that by now I've seen what they're capable of (people change on ya though, I know that).

Melzie said...

I tend to be one of those folks who has friends for the long haul and am slow to allow others in my circle. Haven't always been this way, but it's proven to work best for me. Like you noted, I thought I'd have more "mature" relationships when I got older but people tend to stay the same so that was a surprise to me.

You've covered the most important considerations, excellent post :-).

careycarey2 said...

Well, it looks like another love TKO. I mean, I got here late and everyone is gone. But wait, I see Melzie is still around. Okay, that's my segway moment. See, I tend to look at this dilema from a supply and demand point of view. Let's say Ol'Melzie is the last women in the club that looks like she needs a friend and the whole night I've caught nothing but the blues. ALAS! She "could" be a friend for all the wrong reasons. I know... I know... that's not a friendship, that's a one night stand, but I'm just sayin'...

But at least the contract is signed, sealed and delivered (maybe), at the moment of contact.

But isn't there an implied or nonverbal contract in most relationships? Well, take for instance a song by Arthea Franklin. She said, "Company is alright with me every once in a while, but when me and my (whom ever) start making love (or something like that) it time for everyone to get out (or something like that). I mean, don't we all know our piece of the pie? When Arthea walked out of her bedroom with all the chest crowding the room, I think everyone knew who had to wrestle with them *lol*.

But come on Ms. Smith, I know this requires a little self discovery, but the po' girls (and poor guys) hang with the rich girls (or guys) because they don't have any money, and they do. Come on now Ashley. The chunky chicks don't hang with skinny minnies, because, you know, they make them feel fat-her. Then, the person with the car ALWAYS has a bunch of friends. The shy or clingy person, doesn't want to hang with another clingy thingy. It's all about suppy and demand.

I'm trying to keep this PG, but we all know about the "F" buddy. But see, I think some women get that confused. For them, it's love at first sight. For some men, it's love all night (well, maybe 15 minutes), but not the next day.

I still think this whole "what's in a friend" thang is a chick thang. It's not cool for guys to act like chicks. You know, the old, I don't like them so you can't either. I mean, it's not cool for dudes to NOT have a defined reason to dislike another dude.

But maybe you are talking about deep and lasting friendships. Now that's as rare as money in my pocket. I mean, that takes work. If I can borrow a line from that old shirt (or jeans?) commercial, "who said you have to work in them". Listen, work is spelled J. O. B., and my name is Bennett (not really) but I don't like to be in it. If it ain't working, I tend to move on. I mean, if I am talking to someone (friend or lover) and there's more dead air than crisp and fun conversation, it's another love TKO.

I could go on about this, but I want to leave on a good note. Ms. Smith and OneChele, I'll be yawls... ahh, ahh, (dang, I don't know Twitter talk), I'll be your Huckleberry.

**Waving @ Miss Curvy**

sunt97 said...

Yes things use to be easier when we were kids, but it is getting harder for this generation of kids. Parents are teaching their kids to not like someone or condoning fighting someone just for the simple fact they are unliked. I am in an Elementary School a few times a week volunteering and i see the relationships that these kids have, especially the girls. My son is in the 4th grade and hates the girls in his class because they are constantly bickering and fighting. I have even seen 1st graders deliberately hurting the feelings of another child. Their parents come up and think it's comical and enjoy the dramam that their child is causing. I couldn't imagine being a girl in junior high and high school. I would probably be on medication because I know how hard it was 12 years ago. So many mothers are teaching their daughters to be haters and i see more and more of girls smiling in one anothers face, the use of sarcasm in their conversations and then of course the conversations they have behind one anothers back. It's sad and it's ruthless. Everyday I tell you there is a girl in the office with tears streaming door her face and across the room on the other bench is the group of girls that have caused it. Sad but true.
I guess I am lucky because I have maintained the same friends for over 20 years and I can't imagine not being their friends. yes, we go through moments of silence, but it's not because there is no love. And as soon as we come together it's like time stood still for us and we pick right up where we left off. A friendship should be effortless and one that doesn't stress you out. Great Post!!!

Tiffany
http://liferequiresmorechocolate.blogspot.com/

ASmith said...

Lil' kids today break my heart.

Hearing these stories of girls who send naked pics to their "boyfriends" (or some dude they want to like them) and then killing themselves when he inevitiably forwards it to EVERYONE in this phonebook (who all subsequently do the same) also kills my spirit.

Makes me sad to think that kids have to learn this mess at home. Apparently we no longer teach our kids the finer points of tact and giving a good doggone about someone else.

Jackson said...

You are exactly right on all points here. True friends just do not "happen" just like that. Like you said, "If we've been to hell and back" then we are talking "soul mates".

The truth is that after you reach a certain age there is little chance that you are going to "connect" with anyone new that you meet at the level of "life long true friend" no matter how far and wide you searched. It has been my experience that everyone has an agenda really. And if you are not already "tight" with them chances are it will only be a matter of time until their true colors show.

It is basically like saying that it is "predetermined" how relationships will always play out as you are introduced to new people. And like you also said, that doesn't mean these 'new' people are not cool, but there is really very little chance if any at all to develop any kind of a lasting relationship with them.

I am blessed to have one "ride or die" friend that I can always count on no matter what. She has always been there for me, I know she will always be there for me through thick and thin. And she know I will always be there for her also no matter what. Because that is what true friendships are all about. If you have a friend like that there is nothing more valuable in the whole world!

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