Friday, January 29, 2010

Very. Awkward. Moment. What does the ex-girl say to the next girl?

So I'm bundled up in my office, sipping pomegranate tea and pretending to write when my cell phone rings. The number pops up "Jason", an ex-SO. Generally I give the Coalition of Exes (COE) a two-week window after my birthday to call with salutations before I go back to letting them go to voicemail. So in my fake friendly voice, I answered the call, "Hey Jason, what's up?" From there, the story gets weird. Everybody seated comfortably? Here we go:

"Hi Michele, it's not Jason. My name is RaeLynne."

"RaeLynne?"

"Two E's, two N's. My mama's name was Lynne and my daddy's name was-"

I cut her off, "Ray, got it. Who are you exactly?"

She giggled (not a pretty sound), "OMG [yes she said OMG], sorry! I'm Jason's fiancée and he told me I should call you."

Squelching the need to tell her she is fiancée #7 (I was #1), I ventured forward. "Why? Why did he tell you to call me?"

"He said if I wanted to know how to treat him right, I should call you."

I, who write for a living, was at a loss for words.

"Are you still there?"

"Uh…"

"Are you okay?"

"Are you seriously calling me with this?" I was tempted to look around for the hidden cameras. Look for me on the next episode of Punk'd (or whatever took its place).

"Well he said-"

I cut her off again, "So here's the thing. You need to be insulted. You need to hang up the phone and give him a piece of your mind."

"But, what would I say?"

"Are you even 20?"

"I just turned 20 last week – how did you know?"

Jason is over 40 years of age. This chick just turned 20. Eww and ick. Swear fore God, I am NOT making this up. Please tell me how a woman (even at 20) could be this dingy? There is no amount of cajolery or bullshiggity that could get me to call my man’s ex to find out what to do with him. The hell you say? But what I said was, “Let me tell you what to say.”

And she said (ready for this?), "Should I write this down?"

No I understand what I'm dealing with. Ignorant ex with more ignorant super-young fiancée. "Yeah, go get a pen. I'll wait." Why did it take her over five minutes to find something to write with. And I can hear him asking questions in the background… idiot.

"Okay, I'm back."

"Oh good, I wouldn't want you to miss out on all this knowledge I'm about to drop." Sarcasm dripped from each syllable.

"Huh?" She missed the sarcasm altogether.

"Never mind. Here goes: Jason, either you take me as I am and quit playing games or I am gone. There is no reason for you to disrespect me or Michele by putting us through this lame-ass ego-stroking exercise. Whatever your reasons are for doing it, I don't care. Please apologize to both of us and decide if I should give back your ring tonight."

She was furiously scribbling. Stopped, read what I said and then spoke, "Oh. You're right. Sorry we bothered you."

"No problem."

"But before you go, one question."

"Okay one," I relented.

"Would you give back the ring?"

"I already did." I explained.

"Oh, yeah – one more?"

"Quickly."

"It's kind of personal. Might be too intimate, not even sure how to ask you this." She giggled nervously.

"No ma'am, I don't even want to know. Good luck to the both of you." CLICK.

Two minutes later Jason sends a text. "Sorry. It was a test."

For who? I wondered but I replied, "You failed."

I was typing up this post to share when my phone rang again. It was my other ex-SO calling. We chatted briefly and in the course of the conversation, he said I was "complicated and sophisticated" – still trying to decide if that's a compliment or not. What I do know, it's that time of year again. Between the holidays and Valentine's Day – I call it the Rolodex Quick Check. I picture a fella scrolling though his contact list, thinking aloud: Hmm, wonder if she's still single? Thinking of me? Worth another shot? Good for one night of naked aerobics? Phone call worthy, at least!

Bless you, fellas. Just – bless you all.

BougieLand! Thoughts, comments, similar experiences? What do you think that child was about to ask me?

41 comments:

RavensLady said...

What in the 7 gates of hell??!! Pagalee young picknee dem..just crazy

RavensLady said...

...well maybe I shouldn't be so harsh on her (maybe)...he is another story ole sassa hassa man

ASmith said...

Lord that broad is stupid. But she's learning. I like that she was quick(ish) on the uptake. I just don't understand what possesses new girls to want to contact the old ones. I mean, in what world does that make ANY sense?

I had a friend who had a complicated history with his two exes (and by complicated, I mean if I wrote a book on it, it'd be an NYT best seller and no one would believe it was true). He started dating a new girl while we were in college. I knew when she added me as a friend on facebook, it was going to be some problems (this was back when I was fairly loose with clicking the "accept" button).

A week or so later, one of his exes (ok, full disclosure: his first ex was my BFF in high school -- at that point, I hadn't spoken to her in 2 years and his second ex and I became friends; we're still friends) sent me a text message saying the new girl had sent her a facebook message asking about the breakup.

Their breakup was really nasty, and he didn't want to explain to the new girl what happened.

When I got up to check my facebook messages, new girl had sent me a similar message. I responded with this tirade about how if she didn't trust him she should break up with him and that I refused to get in the middle of their relationship. She immediately went on a one-woman rampage to rid his life of me. They had a child together who turned 3 at the end of last year. I saw her for the first time over Christmas because new girl (who's also now an ex) made sure he couldn't have her when I went home for visits.

Troy said...

What is a 40+ year old dude doing with a 20-year old? Never mind, I think I know. And still trying to spit game in your direction. You do recognize that was his passive-aggressive back door game spit? As for other dude who called you complicated and sophisticated, that's classy. You would much rather be that than simple and trashy - LOL! (BTW, don't be announcing the rolodex check game - that's a time honored man game)

OneChele said...

Agreed. You could almost overlook her issues but he knew hella-better.

ASmith said...

Do you think this is the first time he's tried something like this?

I guess maybe I'm asking, do you think this was less about her and more about you, Chele?

Eye Candy said...

Your ex-fiance had his new fiance call you to ask the best way to "treat" him?! I can't with that level of f*ckery.

OneChele said...

Oh Lordy... Maybe if we all just embraced an atmosphere of mutual respect life could be better for all, doncha think?

RavensLady said...

Hmmmmm....that's good point, especially seeing as how he sent a text after it

daisy said...

He keeps going younger so he gets fewer questions about the ignorant stunts he pulls, like this one. 7 fiances? Epic commitment fail, of the highest order. He lets you THINK he's committed when he's really not.

OneChele said...

Most definitely. Not that I think everything revolves around me but this one... yep.

derek love said...

OOO-wee, something about you got brothers on that come back. Do tell us what it might be. Inquiring minds and all that.

Now I've had a current girlfriend call my ex (not at my urging) to try and start some mess. I prefer all parties to remain separate. For my piece of mind.

You just know she was about to ask a completely inappropriate out-of-hand question. Bless her heart.

Bailey Quincy said...

So my ex-SO was a lurker/borderline stalker. Any time a guy came to the house, he would roll up with some ole bullshiggity. Even though it took threatening bodily harm to get him gone, I preferred his front door direct approach to what your exe is doing. How does he think that benefits him? Long term? Sometimes, men are stupid.

Just Passing By said...

The ex with the 20 y/o bimbette - sucky. The ex who called you complicated... FTW.

I Am Me said...

Tapback by proxy? Gangsta.

Carey Jackson said...

I don't even know what to do with this. Can I just say Hot Mess and leave it at that?

midwestdominicana said...

I feel sorry for the young lady. She'll grow up (I hope) but prayerfully not at the expense of her heart.

The ex-SO probably thought he was being cute and clever and trying to parade her in front of you (ha ha..I traded up. Got a PYT...I can still pull em') with this sort of malarkey. Anywhoo...this young lady has potential and God forbid she repeats this mistake and becomes a cautionary tale...well....a further one at least. She needs a wing to grow under.

The ex-SO is sadness in a can. What a shameful existence when you stoop so low as to even keep the ex's phone number. Ex means buh-bye, so long...delete your phone numbers, email, FB, twitter, etc. Sheesh...the nerve of some people.

It all adds up to his crying over spilled milk. He just wants summore Chele and he's pouting since he can't have you. He's trying to make himself feel better by running through these little candy girls until they have served their purpose. Shame on him but high five to you Chele for showin these menzes what's what.

Carl said...

Ok I think folks are just putting to much weight on their ages. These are just two very stupid people. I think that’s about it. Personally there is no way in hell I want my current and ex to even run into each other at the market. Let alone ask my current to call my ex. Stupid! Then the current actually called (Stupid!) and asked you how to “treat” him (shockingly Stupid!).

Also, for every lady who made some sweeping statement like “men are stupid”. No that assumption is stupid! I’ve been a man a long time now, but I’ve never heard of anything this retarded. Hell I’m even wondering if this conversation ever really happened.

OneChele said...

LOL - I can certainly get you a phone number to confirm if you like. But I agree, stupidity knows no age range.

JaymeC said...

Let me put you on blast for a second. The only ex you ever should answer a call from is Gene. The rest may go back to wherever they came from prior to having the good fortune to meet you. Even following that rule, Gene gets a short leash too.

I just counseled a 19-year old girl dating a much older man this past week but I'll save those insights for another day.

BB Waite said...

tell the truth. shame the devil.

Steve said...

Sometimes we're all stupid. These two on another level. Ex-SO desperate to stay in Chele's sphere, she's desperate to stay in his. Chele appears desperate to be rid of all of them...

Sarah said...

Two words: voice mail. I can't really wrap my mind around this story. I think he wanted you to know he had some young thing in his life to make you jealous. It seems more like meanness than stupidity mixed in with some sort of passive aggressive stalking if there is such a thing. It seems a bit creepy actually 'cause it make it seem like he is obsessed with you which is real life is not a good thing. I'd say the other one with the 'complicated and sophisticated' was paying you a compliment.

George Deron said...

As ludicrous as it might sound, I don't think this situation was horrible. Yes - it lacked tact and all types of common sense but I do think the intent wasn't to be malicious. It's actually a bit flattering in a way. Think about it: you're the vision that your ex wants his current to live up to.

Can that be all that bad?

Maybe for the young'un... but not for you.

Consider it a compliment that bass-ackwards as it was; one that shows the phenomenal woman you are.

*Steps off soap box.*

*Drops mic.*

Carl said...

Nah that’s ok. If I’m right I’ll never know. But if I’m wrong, I’ll have to talk to at least one of two stunningly stupid people. So there’s no real upside to this for me. But still, how in the hell did you get hooked up with this clown?

Sweet N Tart said...

So not to be all up in your business but are you still on the man hiatus?

OneChele said...

pretty much.

Carl said...

WOW!! So you’re saying that dude is reflecting on his girl from 15 years ago as his “ideal” woman? This story is getting more pathetic by the sentence!! Hell I’m actually trying to remember who I was dating 15 years ago, but I can’t!

Man's World said...

I remember my girlfriend from 15 years ago.. wish I didn't.

Inkognegro said...

Wow. That was worth the wait. Im Quite amused. 40 and 20 huh. He is uh...old enough to be...yeah.

On a side note...If you still want the same Shiggity in 2010 that you wanted in 1995 your grown up game is Mad handicapped.

SpkTruth2Pwr said...

All I can do is say LOL in the same way she said OMG.

This is the period for reflection for those of us single and without.

But this holiday is more played than the Milli Vanilli cassette tape was before we found out they were lip singing.

But this is why I never revisit the past - because if you wanted to stay in touch, you would do so on some other tip than that foolishness, and if it didn't work, it was a lessoned learned to grow from. I want you to slap me OneChele if I ever tell you a story about me swooning over a woman I lost due to immaturity or unpreparedness a hot minute ago.

WOW!!! said...

Why...just why. You made this stuff up, it has to be made up. I was twenty less than 5 years ago and I did some stupid stuff but this chic right here o_O. Bless her slow behind, and bless her fiance too. He might have found someone on the same level as him (intellectually). She will look back and kick herself for this. *I am still in shock, awe and disbelief*

Kandia said...

Wow...It's been a while since I was 20 but there's no way ANYBODY could convince me to call my SO's ex to get tips on how to treat him. That would have been my cue to throw up the deuces right there, no explanations needed. Bless her heart...hopefully she'll grow out of it.

Mayyada said...

Whoa, she's so dumb. No offence!
I love the way you reacted though, straight-forwardly sophisticated.

SovereignT said...

Wow I just discovered this blog and I love it lol this is soo crazy. I actaully am only 20 but I would never do anything like that girl did...that's just wild.

OneChele said...

Welcome and you know what - I wouldn't have done that at 16!

Ex Back said...

i think just seen my ex girl standing with my next girl, standing with the ... I think it happens and how best to avoid a potentially awkward moment.

Najeema said...

You can't make this stuff up.

OneChele said...

Over 15 years ago, when I was young and stupid. (not THAT stupid though)

Dating said...

That is awesome pic..

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