Monday, January 04, 2010

Capri pants vs. leggings, Obama-bashing, WannaBe Terrorists and much, much more

Happy New Year ya'll. Welcome to 2010. I really wanted to do a lovely, fluffy, kick-off to the New Year post. But alas, it wasn't meant be. Hey, there's nothing like diving in with a OneChele rant (of sorts), right? You know I was all wrapped up in the I Love Black Men week, then the holidays and the vaca that really, I haven't had a chance to express my views on a few issues. So in the words of Slim Shady – "I'm cleaning out the closet"…join me, won't you?

Dear Tropical Vacationers,

Great to see you on the islands… well some of you anyway. Others of you, not so much. By my questions below, you'll know who you are:

Who said white leggings were the hotness? Ladies, leggings are not always your friend. If your thighs look like they are screaming (a la Amistad) "Give Us Free!" underneath stretchy see through material in tropical sunlight, switch to baggy khaki capri pants… please and thank you.

And speaking of capri pants – gentlemen, I see no reason for you to own (and rock) capris with ties or drawstrings at the calf. No. Good. Reason. Surf shorts, walking shorts, bike shorts, gym shorts, running shorts or ANY variation of a knee-length or past-ankle-length pant is acceptable. The capris with the mandals (man sandals) is just too much.

What is with the public displays of affection in the airport? No, I'm not talking about the acceptable kiss hello or goodbye, I'm talking full body contact let me tongue you down and rub you up all out in public bullshiggity. Get. A. Room. All that is unnecessary (and little bit high on the eww-ick scale).

Ladies, let me say this to you. Just because they make a bathing suit in your size, does not mean you should buy it or wear it. This is not about the plus-sized girls. Not every bathing suit looks good on everybody. Not everyone has a low rise, string-bikini body. Not everyone can rock a boy short or a halter top. And by the way, I'm herewith imposing an age limit on bikini wearing. If you are over the age of 65, your bikini days are behind you… I mean it. If you haven't done all the itsy-bitsy-teeny-weeny-yellow-polka-dot-bikini-wearing you're going to do by 65, just shut it down. I beg of you.

Dear former Obama lovers now reveling in trashing Prez 44 every chance you get,

Ya'll make me tired. Did you not hear the man say he wasn't the Messiah? Did you not listen when he told ya'll it was going to be a long, hard climb out of the deep, dark hole we were in? Or did you only hear what you wanted to hear? If you listened very closely to each and every speech, he ALWAYS spoke of putting the pieces in place now to make America better in the future. Not in 11 months, not in 24 months… in the future. In other words… he's working on it. Some of ya'll act like you expected him to personally come to your house and hand you a reparations check and a mule. I mean the man can't say "Happy New Year" without folks piling on about the inflection with which he uttered the words.

Obama ain't worried about who loves him right now and who doesn't. He didn't get into this for the love. He's like the parent who has to do the right thing for the house even if no one likes it. I didn't like BougieMom for a few of my teenage years. I did not appreciate her methods. She gave not a damn and did what had to be done. Love her to death now though. Actually appreciate all she did to steer me along. People, sometimes the cure is painful. But you still need to get well. I'm an Obama person and I still believe he has the cure.

No doubt, so-called "political commentary specialists" will pepper me with comments about why I feel this way. I'm not going to take the time to run down the list of everything the man has done and all he is still working to accomplish. I'm not blind to the faults but believe he's still committed to doing the best for this country that he can. I will support him until he is proven completely unsupportable. I am not a fair-weather supporter.

I'll wrap it up with these questions: Do you want G. Dub back? And could you really do any better? And is your negativity helping? Some idiots in Georgia burned an Obama effigy over the weekend. Just sayin'.

Dear Drunken Tweeters from New Year's Eve,

So sorry I had to unfollow you. Okay, I'm not sorry. Lookie here, I really respect the time-honored tradition of getting blitzed out your mind on New Year's Eve… good for you. But with the onset of Twitter, did it occur to some of you to self-censor? No it did not. Those of you who felt it absolutely necessary to share your bodily functions and sexcapades (leaving me to wonder how you tweet and copulate at the same time) in vivid Technicolor detail… I had to move on. But hey, Happy New Year to ya!

Dear Nigerian Wanna-Be-Terrorist dude,

Thanks for eff-ing it up for all of us. Thanks to you, my easy, breezy "go 'head beautiful lady" glide through the Jamaican airport turned into something else altogether. Took an hour to get through the security checkpoint. The airport security women there, at the gate AND in Miami felt more of my private parts than any of the last four men I've dated. As I glared at the Miami TSA chick squeezing my boobs with 200 onlookers gawking, she glared back and said (loudly), "I just had to make sure all of that was you." The male TSA worker said, "Well is it?" I remain unamused.

By the way terror-dude, send my gratitude to your dad for dropping dime on you to the CIA. Sorry no one got the message. How are your third degree leg burns? You are an idiot. Enjoy the US Penal System, I understand it's nothing but good times for guys like you. Did I mention you're an idiot?

Dear Dallas Cowboys,

Thanks for actually playing up to your talent level. Unfortunately, you have hoodwinked me so often that I simply cannot believe you are for real yet. Win next week and I'll at least stop referring to you as "those heart-breakin' bastards in silver and blue". Actually, I didn't expect you to get this far. Thanks for the pleasant surprise.

Dear Mainstream Media and Blogosphere,

Yes, yes "Bitch is the new Black" is a very sexy and provocative title for a book that no one has read yet and a future movie not yet written. Good for Helena Andrews. I'm all for Black Females maximizing the hustle (even if the title is a setback). But what this discussion has done is allow a whole bunch of people who truly need to STFU to commence pontificating on why so many black women are single and can't get a man. FAIL. How about everybody mind their own business and stopping whipping folks into a frenzy about an issue no one can solve easily. Why don't we dialogue about how to improve the race and empower our people so that the term "marriage material" is less of a euphemistic pipe dream? How about that?

Dear Ex-Boyfriend now living with some poor woman,

Very classy of you to text me on New Year's Day and invite me to meet you at a no-tell motel up the road because you miss me. [laser beam side eye] Invite to Starbuck's says you miss me. Invite to motel says you don't miss me. You miss parts of me. And you don't get to visit those parts any more. Way to kick off my new year. I hope my ignoring your four texts and three phone calls got the message across.

People, in 2010 – I'm keeping it really, really, really real. Yes, I'm moving on. Forward. No re-dos, no repeats, no re-heats, no second chances. Fresh slate, no nonsense, no drama, no bullshiggity. Enough is enough. In order to maintain my sunny personality, it's imperative that I accept what was and look forward to whatever will be. It's a process but I'm so determined to own it. And no, this isn't anything magical that happened on New Year's Eve (I don't believe in resolutions), it's a long term goal. Welcome to cautiously optimistic OneChele. Hope you enjoy the ride.

Comments? Thoughts? Do share…

37 comments:

Page Bartlett said...

You mean refer to my masters' thesis for psych and social behavior? LOL! Applause back to you and the women you "dumped"

ASmith said...

::applause::

I'm not with all the daggone PDA in the airport. Some of us are TRYING TO GET SOMEWHERE. Dang!

That's all I have, really. As usual, you did a bang up job. 2010 is going to be a good year. I can tell.

Lady4Real said...

I wanted to forward you an article that ticked me off. They were bashing the Prez for golfing too much. I tell you President Obama can't catch a break, if he sneezes too much they'll have something to say about that. Hatin' is a lifestyle that so many love to live. SMH. Can we start the New Year with less hate and more love?? I. DOUBT. IT.

lawsoncomp said...

Loved the post today. Agree, agree with it all. I want to remind your gentle readers to buy Heard It All Before. I am enjoying it very much. Cheers to you Chele.

[flahy] [blak] [chik] said...

I had an ex who pulled out some manpri's while we were vacationing in Puerto Rico last year...I made him march back into the hotel room to change! LOL!

And i'm glad you pointed out that it's not all about plus-size women, when it comes to ppl not wearing appropriate clothing..b/c I'd rather not see Twiggy in a two piece either..lol

SBailey7 said...

I agree with you on your address to the former Obama lovers. I hadn't heard about the effigy in Georgia but it doesn't surprise me. He can't win for losing. While I don't agree with every decision, I do support him.

As for this 'new' propoganda regarding B*tch is the New Black...craziness. It is everywhere & doesn't seem to be going away anytime soon especially with the upcoming book & film. I know this isn't a new topic and I am glad to see so many people standing up against it.

P.S. Is that your handiwork in the pic? Continue to rub Jamaica in; we still love ya. LOL! ;-)

OneChele said...

See - this is what BougieSis and I said. Where are the womenfolk to tell Mr. Man "take that off and burn it... now!"
I could do an entire week on women in clothing not meant for them. It's not about size ladies, it's about fit and cut and flattery.

Jason P said...

I thought I was the only one to get the booty call texts over the holidays. Damn fellas, tis the season to JUST SAY NO. I'm with you. No do-overs.

Carl said...

“I'm all for Black Females maximizing the hustle”. Me too!!! But I d not believe that anyone has the right to make a buck on Black misery. Whether that means some degrading garbage by Tyler Perry (Step N Fetch of the 21st century) or some self-hating monologue by a chronically manless sista like Helena Andrews. I haven’t read the book and don’t intend to. But based on the title alone as well as watching her interview, I can see why she’s single. But maybe she will be able to buy a date with the “30 pieces of silver” she’ll collect soon.

OneChele said...

I was way t0o lazy to carve things into sand - LOL!
I'm actually very disappointed in all these folks who couldn't say enough great things about Obama and now can't wait to pile on. I'd love to see them try to be him for just 24 hours... well, no I wouldn't. ;-)

Jason P said...

Preach on it! I don't even really know what the book is about so I'm trying not to judge but I caught the interview. That kinda "look at me and what I got" attitude never plays well with the fellas.

Sarah said...

PDA doesn't bother me. I'd rather see kissing and hugging than snipping, snapping and yelling. I really dislike it when I have to witness couples fighting or parents yelling at their children. I was young once and I remember passion. And the thing I liked most about my ex was his honey bear side: spontaneous hugs and kisses and occasionally picking me up and twirling me around like I was a little girl.

I thought you showed admirable restraint during last night's radio show. It is fine if a person wants to tell their story or any story for that matter. Library shelves are full of people telling their stories. But why do we all have to be dragged into it as if their story is a commentary on our lives? And then act as if we all need to justify our love lives or the lack of one as the case may be. I don't like to swear, but I agree that some people need to STFU and go sit down.

At one point during the radio show, I had to say even though you all couldn't hear me ...' hey now, don't give out the end of the
story...' because I thought for a minute that somebody was going to blurt out how the story in your book turns out. The copy I ordered doesn't get here until Wednesday. I have always wondered what process authors go through to write their books. There
are probably as many ways as their are authors.

OneChele said...

I really had never seen this level of public groping in airports, that is just not hot in the skreetz!

Max_Reddick said...

Quick question. Are clam-diggers and capri pants the same thing? Because my wife bought me some Ralph Lauren khaki clam-diggers, but I told her they were capri pants, and she swore that there was a difference. But if clam-diggers and capri pants are the same thing, then my suspicions are verified and I have a solid excuse not to wear them.

OneChele said...

You are hereby excused. Apologies to Wife Reddick but that's no bueno.

SBChitownChick said...

Hey now, let's not assume that you know the woman's entire story from a brief clip. She may be a perfectly lovely girl who chose a shitty title.

AppleBerryMIA said...

Welcome back! LMAO at the Miami security woman feeling you up! I don't believe in resolutions either, just try and do better every day.

OneChele said...

Thanks for listening in. It was a hot topic - we could do six shows on the Single Black Females and never run out of discussion.

Rob said...

I don't mind a hug or a kiss but grinding and moaning needs to be left behind closed doors. Please people... keep it PG-13.

daisy said...

let me hop on the soapbox for a minute. you did a post a while back on Obama as Superhero and him never being able to win because his arch enemies were every where... we now know this to be completely true. the haters and the doubters are multiplying. Not saying we should adore him and not criticize but if you see a problem, why can't you suggest a solution? Well done Chele!

kidSistah said...

And THIS, This, this is why I love this blog! Great post and welcome back. Happy New Year!

JaymeC said...

When I think of white leggings, I think of Cha-Cha in Grease - and that can't be good for everybody. LMAO at "Give Us Free!"

Rob said...

BTW - I completely agree that Black Folks thought Obama in the White House would be completely transformative and we would have a Soul 2 Soul "Black Phone" to get the White House hook up anytime we wanted. Reality is setting in that they still have to work for what they want and they ain't happy.

OneChele said...

Aw - thanks!

Carl said...

Uhhhh…nah! When I was single I dated a bunch of women just like her. Hell I was actually thinking while watching the video, “hey she’s cute”. Then I remembered, yeah she is my type! As a matter of fact she looks and sounds like she could be related to several women I’ve dumped over the years. So trust me, I know what I’m talking about here.

thinklikeRiley said...

Obama ain't checking for us cuz he don't need us. Old girl in bitch video got it right, she black and bitchy and won't get a man.

BB Waite said...

And we're off. Right back to where to left off in '09. Young 'un - sing a new tune in 2010. Puh-leeze!
Obama needs all the help he can get right now and I'm sure he knows it. This young woman is just that. Young. 29 is still a young, young age to completely define yourself .

Page Bartlett said...

Sounds like some transference?

OneChele said...

Thanks, back atcha!

Carl said...

Oh is that what it is? LMBAO!!! Come on now, you might want to re-read your old Psych 101 book before you start throwing out words in the wrong context that you obviously don’t understand. I do applaud you for trying though.

Dr. Peppa said...

All is right in BougieLand. Riley ackin' up, folks sniping, OneChele cracking me up... good to be back!

Leon X said...

I remember you saying on Twitter that this post was turning into a rant.

OneChele said...

Just a little one.

Carl said...

Wait, that sounds real familiar. Have we dated? Is this your way of saying you still want me?

OneChele said...

Would you two like a boxing ring or a hotel room? LMAO!

EC Thompson, MD said...

Well I would like to say that George W. Bush was a failure as a president that is totally denigrating all the failures like the guys who are singing on the street corner right now. (it is 19 degrees outside. If you are out there singing, go on with your bad self!) Bush told us that he was going to be "the War President." He screwed up Iraq and Afghanistan so badly I'm not sure what it is he did right over there. He's going to "fix" the economy. That gave us tax cuts for the rich and the nice rubber biscuit for the rest of us to chew on. So, in my delusional state, I thought there was one thing that he was going to be right. He was actually going to make it hard if not impossible for another terrorist attack to occur here on our soil. Wow, am I a moron! He told us he was going to fix the communication between the FBI and other intelligence services. He did not. He told us it was going to be safe to fly airplanes again. It is not.

Omar Farouk Abdulmutallab was not original in his intense or in his method or anything. He is the main ingredient in the plastic explosive Semtex, PETN. This is the exact same explosive that Richard Reid stuffed in his shoe. So, eight years after Richard Reid, this guy comes along and we have not closed this vulnerability yet. So, my question is -- was there anything that George Bush stood right while in the White House? What a cluster!

Hidi said...

Happy New Year!! It is nice to know you enjoy your trip except for the airport incident. Moving along, I stop believing in resolutions a long time ago. Like you said, life is about moving forward. :)

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