Tuesday, January 05, 2010

The Long, Sad, Bad but True BougieTale of PsychoMike, part 1

Warning, this post is long. I had to split it into two parts so you can digest it in all its glory. Let's call this a cautionary tale to the young with the moral: all that glitters isn't gold (or platinum). Without further ado, the beginning of the BougieTale of PsychoMike…

Once upon a time, over ten years ago OneChele was a bright-eyed marriage-minded young lass. I wanted to be married by the age of 27, so help me God. [giggling at this now] In my fervent quest for marriage prior to my self-imposed deadline, I hit an obstacle not-so-fondly nicknamed "PsychoMike". Before he was known as PsychoMike, Michael was the man I was going to marry. No questions asked. He was The One right up until he really, really wasn't.

Mike rolled up on me at a bullshiggity "networking" party I attended with two girlfriends. And by rolled up, I mean he was walking across the room, saw me in his peripheral vision, stopped dead in his tracks, turned towards me, eyed me up and down, smiled with all his teeth and made a beeline to my side. His opening line was a little corny but effective, "I don't want to bother you but I had to come over and introduce myself to the most beautiful woman in the room. My name is Michael. Can I give you my phone number in hopes that you'll use it?" He flashed a 1000-watt smile and looked into my eyes. It was such a vast improvement over all the, "Psst, psst, hey girl" game I had been hearing all night that I smiled right back. Michael was good-looking in an über-Bougie kinda way. He actually favored the picture above quite a bit down to the tortoise-shell glasses. Had the buppie 'I'm all that and ya better recognize' vibe working for him. Conservative dresser but it was all quality, well-cut, well-tailored clothing that fit his frame... and it was a nice frame. We were in instant visual like. My roommate came over and I introduced her, we stood making small talk before he escorted us to our car.

I took Mike's number and gave him mine. He called the next day. (points) He was intelligent, funny, and quick-witted. (more points) He was a high-powered attorney for a Fortune 500 company. (many more points) He was a Midwestern boy, spoke to his mama once a week, had spent some time as a pilot in the Air Force and generally had his program tight (and knew it). (mega-points) We set up a tentative time for him to come by for a visit. Now here's where the train goes off the tracks a little bit. He had also chatted on the phone with my roommate and wanted to take us both to dinner. Now at this juncture, I was confused (and a little tart) but bear in mind that I was SUPER YOUNG at this point and far more naïve. I was only slightly bruised relationship-wise, not jaded at all and took people at face value. I did not call bullshiggity at the drop of a hat. J So I assumed that I had misread some signals and this was going to be a friendship thing all the way around. So after my roommate asked me what was up, I said, "I think Mike and I are becoming friends." A few days later, Mike came by the house. I had worked late, was tired and was picking up a very "date-y" vibe from my roommate so I fell back. Told them to go to dinner and enjoy. The next day she told me she didn't think there were sparks. She left town for a weekend trip.

Mike called me that same day to ask me out. He said he and my roommate were in the friend zone and didn't I recognize that it was all about me? Well damn… that's what I thought but as a good friend, I double-checked with the roomie to make sure she was truly not feeling him and she gave me the green light. Okay. Everybody remember this point in the story. The first point where I should have recognized that all was not right in the state of Mikedom and that even when your good friend says, "Sure go ahead and date him," she really doesn't mean it. Alright. We've laid the foundation, let me hit some high points.

On our first date, Mike took me the Lexus dealership to help him pick out a new car. He let me pick it out, model, color, upgrades. He drove it and then told the salesman he wanted me to drive it too. And I did, with a huge smile on my face. When we got back to the showroom, he turned to me and said, "Do you like it?" I said I did. He turned to the salesman and said, "I'll take it, the lady likes it." When the salesman called over the finance guy, Mike said, "I'm paying cash." In hindsight, I recognize this for the calculated show that it was. In retrospect, I know that Mike who was seven years older and quite a bit wiser (then) had figured out who I was and how to play me in no time flat. But at that moment, watching him hand over a check for $45,000, I was dazzled and awash with the possibilities of what could be.

Three important things to know at this point: 1) Mike and I saw each other every other day, talked on the phone two or three times a day. 2) In three months time, Mike never did more than hold my hand. 3) The roomie was tart.

Right around the middle of our third month, I was planning the wedding in my head. Mike and I fit. Sure there was no sex (not even a kiss goodnight) but when I mentioned it, he said he wanted to be respectful and know me on every other level first. [hindsight side-eye to myself] But even without the physical stuff, we had major chemistry. There was something about our personalities and values and goals that clicked. Mike met my family. BougieDad wasn't convinced (rest his soul, he NEVER thought ANY one was good enough for me), but the rest of the family liked Mike well enough. My girlfriends (with the exception of roomie who remained silent) gave him a thumbs up. He was a personable guy. He was the first man I had dated where I could sit reading a book while he read the paper for three hours without speaking and it was comfortable. In months four and five, he at least started introducing sexual topics. We hugged. He kissed me beside my mouth and then backed away quickly. This confused me. Were we just going to talk about it? [cuz that's irritating] But my worries about that arena faded when he took me to look at houses and said, "How would you feel about living here someday?" What's not to like about a 5000 square foot home on the golf course of a country club community? Month six he handed me his platinum AMEX and asked me to buy him some casual clothes that I'd like to see him in. When asked about budget, he said, "Don't worry about it. And pick up a few things for yourself while you're at it." Yes… I was already Mrs. Mike in my head. He took me to the theatre and gala balls and his work parties. We watched sports, I cooked for him and we played countless hours of cutthroat Scrabble. We were a couple.

One sunny Saturday in the middle of month six he called and told me to toss a toothbrush and change of clothes into an overnight bag, we were road tripping. At last, I thought. We can get these fireworks kicked off and then it's onto wedding central. He wouldn't tell me where we were going but I recognized the way to South Texas. A weekend in Galveston by the Gulf is always romantic (or should be). As we pulled up outside of a brick office building Mike cut the engine and turned to me. "What if I told you that when I was in the military, I had terrible allergies and sinus problems and they gave me huge amounts of steroids?" I was speechless, not understanding what this had to do with my weekend of romance. He continued, "And what if I told you that it caused a condition known as testicular atrophy and that I'm impotent?" I thought he was joking and so I laughed. [Note to readers: when a man says the word impotent… laughing is not the reaction that they are looking for] When I realized he was deadly serious, I apologized almost tearfully (wouldn't you well up a little?) and asked what we were doing at this place. It was a men's health clinic that specialized in this condition. (This was early Viagra days people). I will not entertain you (though I really, really could) with the details of how our meeting went with the doctor. Let me just say that a sheltered, bougie twenty-something female who had only dated athletes and law enforcement guys was way out of her depth. And the classroom demonstration portion of the afternoon is a nightmare forever burned into my memory.

The weekend was… stressful. When things that should be effortless suddenly take a lot of effort, and I mean effort on the part of someone who was again rather sheltered and clueless… Okay let me put it this way: When brochures, diagrams and medications have to be considered prior to getting a swerve on… the swerve is not as much fun as it ought it be. The tenor of our relationship changed but I so desperately wanted to be mature, accepting and understanding that I talked myself into believing this wasn't a big deal. If this was the ONLY area where we weren't perfect, I was okay with it. And then three things happened: 1) I ran into my ex and future S.O. Gene [don't even ask how many times we've broken up and re-united, it's pitiful] 2) my roomie and I moved into a house with a THIRD roommate (our bougiefied version of Living Single) and 3) word got to me that Mike had been out with his ex-girlfriend. This Bermuda Triangle of events had me eyeing up Mike differently. After all, it wasn't as if Mike was Gene… did I really want to put up with the hassle and the headache if he wasn't who I truly wanted to be with? My roomies were both eerily silent on the issue.

Here's a great place to pause to the story. Tomorrow, the worst trip (EVER) to Hawaii and how Mike became PsychoMike. Any comments/thoughts/observations so far?

43 comments:

Nadette@Eat, Read, Rant! said...

Girl, this has crazy written all over it already. I've been plenty naive in my earlier twenties, curently a quarter centure plus 1, but still chelle. you knew something was off and you ignored that little voice in your head. on to part two!

bougiesis said...

It appears that Bougieland was not feeling the cliffhanger - At All!

AppleBerryMIA said...

No. You. Didn't. Part II?! Mean!
I never thought about what I would do if my SO had ED. Not sure I would be as understanding. Does that make me shallow?

BrendaKay said...

Why do we have to wait another 24 hours for part II of this story? Why, why why? Your fans deserve better than this. :-)

L. Michelle said...

OMG. I have been following you since your recognition on Blogs Her Color and you are really funny and I love the fact that you are from Texas, as I too am a native Texan...but look here... you wrong as rain for making us wait until tomorrow!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Liselle said...

Whoa... wait! I'm sitting here trying to figure how this guy turns psycho and damn that Gene is EVERYWHERE! LMAO!

Steve said...

So I'm the bad guy for dying to know the details of the ED clinic visit right? C'mon girl, my KINGDOM for one tidbit!

Reads4Pleasure said...

nooooo Chele, you can't leave us hanging. I need part 2 today!

This ladies and gentlemen is why you should buy Chele's book, "Heard it all before" by clicking on the button up top on the right. The child can spin a yarn for sure!

OneChele said...

*evil cackle* Gotta keep you coming back for more ;-)!

Pure Choco said...

Just ordered it today. She has the BEST stories ever. I figure if the true ones are this good, imagine what she can make up?!

OneChele said...

Texas girls stick together ;-)!

Kiki said...

EVIL! I would rather have read another full page worth than wait for tomorrow...

OneChele said...

Hold onto your kingdom, that story is locked in the BougieVault for many years yet to come. ;-)

tiffanyinhouston said...

Keeping me hanging like this is not very nice, or bougie like. Hmph!

JaymeC said...

I THOUGHT I knew the PsychoMike story but now I see you have left out major pieces. So now I'm mad I gotta wait for part II...

Reads4Pleasure said...

See @oneChele? I'm working the room for you. That deserves a part 2 post sooner than later.

derek love said...

I'm scared to know what ED treatment was prior to Viagra/Cialis. Actually, I hope I never have to know anything about it at all. Imma dap you up know for not bolting right then and there.

Stank_0 said...

Eerily silent and/or salty roommates are never a good look. You were young, as we all were.

I have an idea how this goes south. I'll be eyeing the google reader.

Sarah said...

But.., but.., but.., why did you stop there? I wanna know what happens! All I can say so far is that I think he should have mentioned the ED sooner. And whatever happens in part 2, I will say that not recognizing crazy when it appears is not something only happening to the young.

OneChele said...

But you love me though?

ASmith said...

Your highlights on the sexless nature of your relationship made my eyes go wide. My history has told me that there is something wrong with a situation when a man won't go past hand-holding and the occasional hug.

I can't with people who give the green light but secretly want you to go "eh, I'll pass too..." I'm not saying good men are hard to find, but... If I were honest, I'd tell you all that I go back and forth on my support of "don't date your friends' exes" rule. I mean, let's talk about how close they are first... I'm not saying stealing men is ok, it's not, I don't participate in foolishness, but damn -- you don't want him! :)

storm529 said...

Amusing tale. Can't wait for Part II.

The ED part of your story made me recall a story that one of my friends told me about one of her sexual escapes. She says she once dated a man who prior to their intimacy had to use a "pump" to beef up his meat. When she told me the story, I didn't know whether to laugh or to barf.

P.S. No offense to ED suffers. I know that this problem is not a laughing matter for the sufferer -- or the women who have to learn to live with it.

OneChele said...

True and good point!

beautifulcurare said...

I didn't know @OneChele has a book...I gotta check that out!

Definitely anxious to hear the rest of this story...why would a guy just drop a bomb like that on someone? Testicular atropy? Man, you needed to say something about this long before an weekend trip...

OneChele said...

I wouldn't wish it on anyone... ever! Well, maybe Tiger Woods?

Joy Andrews said...

I had to go look up testicular atrophy. Ouch. You can't prepare for that kind of obstacle.
p.s. ordering the book - I love the way you tell stories.

David Parrish, Jr.(Inkognegro) said...

Im just gonna wait. Hold my fingers...and wait.

OneChele said...

HA! Okay then. More tomorrow.

mocha dad speaks said...

Girl but damn. the fact that you haven't given up on men altogether is testament to your optimism and overall good nature. Sheesh!

Troy said...

A woman in her twenties dealing with older dude and these types of issues?!?! I know not one woman who wouldn't talk shit and leave skidmarks when a brother can't lay pipe. You definitely wanted the ring. Part II should be a doozy.

LikeLena said...

A+ for jam-ability. f for lyrics especially that rap at the end - awfully awful. Then again I'm jamming to We are Young Money so who am I to point fingers? Let's get it!

Lady4Real said...

I must agree with the rest of the commenters when I say, you are evil Cuz for waiting us wait 'til tommorow, but a lady always leaves you waiting. I had a Gene, an actual ex named Eugene and we had an on-again, off-again relationship too but I finally rid myself of him. the ED clinic is funny not funny. I will definitely tune in tomorrow to learn how Mike became PsychoMike and how you escaped the crazy. Love you and love the blog, keep up the good work.

I Am Me said...

H/T to Rob Bleek for turning me onto your blog. You hold nada back. Wow. Now not knowing rules and whatnot, I'm jumping in. Were you really that naive and ring-chasing or were you gold-digging or did you really miss the 8 red flags I've already picked out in Part One? Not throwing shade just curious. You are a very talented writer.

LikeLena said...

This leaves me speechless. What NEXT?!

OneChele said...

I stayed naive about the true state of my relationships and nature of people for far longer than I would've wished. Too many romance novels as a child. I tended to concentrate on the fairy tale ending rather than the day-to-day actuality. You'll be happy to know that I'm am cured of that. And welcome to BougieLand.

Rob said...

*winces* Bruh, you going in all HS debate style on day one?! You got to ease into BougieLand, son!

OneChele said...

LOL - no, he can dive in the deep end, no worries.

courtney aka glamah said...

I always love reading about you past dating experinces. I thought I just attracted the odd ones.

Citizen Ojo said...

In regards to buying a car to impress a girl - if you buy a Hyundai you can take it back if you tell them you lost your job. Therefore you just keep buying Hyundai's until you meet the right one. Ha Ha.. I know that was stupid but in my head it sounded hilarious...

Jason P said...

Admittedly, the flash of what amounts $45k in cash on date one would have blindsided me a tad in my 20s as well. And yes, he knew EXACTLY what he was doing. I have a feeling this story goes ballistically South.

The Lady said...

I'm looking forward to seeing how he turns into PsychoMike. For now I'll call him TackyMike. I was always taught and therefore subscribe to the teaching that flaunting money the way he did on your first 'date' is vulgar and tacky. The truly classy enjoy their wealth in tasteful ways, that NEVER involves revealing how much you paid all for the point of appearing important. i.e. Girl I love your shoes! You respond, girl thank you they were $1,500.

Violet Rose said...

Just so you know I had to read this three times to let it sink in. My mind is racing trying to imagine the transformation into PsychoMike.

Jara said...

As I do with suspenseful topics, I waited until Part 2 was on deck before reading Part 1. :) So I'm not mad at all!

1. materialism quotient is high here.
2. interesting that he "sized you up" and knew just what buttons to push to make you open enough to ride with him through a sex clinic visit - all before committing to anything (outside of your head).
3. DANGER ALERT: all of this adds up to psycho w/ great pimp skills in my book before part 2 even begins.

Skipping on over to part 2...

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