Friday, January 08, 2010

Friday Quick Question: Does Begging Work?

So I was preparing a lovely witty post on When Good Friendships Go Bad when I received notification of 17 new emails in one of my emailboxes. 17, all at once? Hmm. I had to go check that out. I went over to my Outlook and noticed in my folder titled "Personal" there were 17 unread items. Now I'm super-duper anal about my folders, I catalog my emails because I have (at last count) eight different accounts – long story, moving on. The "Personal" folder is reserved for past, current and future (potential) SOs. So I wondered who had that much to say.

Clicking on the folder, I noticed they were all from the same person. We'll call him Aaron. Aaron is a gentleman I met at a bookstore a few years back right after the super-bad break up with Gene. We had drinks once. He is good-looking, employed, intelligent. However, I was not in a mind to have a serious relationship at the time and he made it clear he was only interested in a relationship that was going somewhere well beyond frivolous. Since then he has touched base a few times but our timing was always just a little bit off. I don't know - for whatever reason I didn't make him a priority and he didn't really pursue it.

Fast forward to tonight and imagine my surprise when I see emails all with the same title, "Michele – let's do this." Nice hook. I clicked on open. It read, "We've been dancing around each other for close to three years. Can we at least get some coffee? Call me at 214-555-5555. I believe I've got next."

And he sent the same thing 16 more times. (Maybe a server glitch?) I'm a bit nonplussed. I'm somewhat intrigued and sincerely wary. And of course, now I have to go digging through my archives to see what he has sent before. Why now, what's the urgency and why not just call? So far, I haven't responded. I'm going to marinate on that for the evening. On the one hand, I usually grant everyone interesting the time it takes to sip a white caramel mocha. On the other hand, if I did not find him attention worthy in the past – what's changed?

Anyway, since the other post was taking forever to write (and my pillow is calling me), I decided this is a good day to hit ya'll with a short, open discussion. So I'm turning this one over to you. Thoughts? What do you think of the email? What would you do next? And though he's not really begging, has anybody found that begging works for a man? Or a woman? Conversely does the hang around theory work for either sex? [In case you're unaware, the hang around theory involves staying involved in a person's life until one day they look around and say – okay, you're it] Step on up and share.

39 comments:

ASmith said...

Assuming the 16 other e-mails were server glitches, I support his efforts. I'm trying to lay off on the side-eyes to this new "e-mail/text rather than call" thing relationship building is experiencing.

I do, though, side-eye begging someone you're not in a relationship with. I personally would find it annoying and would probably kick you back to the end of the line.

The hang around theory works to some degree, I think. We always hear about people who were friends for a long time and then realized they were perfect for each other a la Love & Basketball or Brown Sugar. However, hanging around for the sole purpose of being seen as the one is not amazing. I mean, what about all the people you miss out on waiting on this one person to open their eyes.

Max_Reddick said...

Begging does work, but you have to be cognizant of the fact that there is a certain artistry to begging. In other words, beg but don't make it sound like your begging. You can't just come out all willy-nilly talking about, "Oh, please. Oh, please. What if I die tonite." You have to be more subtle. Maybe a funny joke, a turn of a phrase. A cute, but manly pout. A suggestion. But always keep your dignity intact.

Jason P said...

First of all - absulute get your double tap cap frap or whatever the hell. Coffee never killed anybody.
Secondly - the hand around theory totally works. (About to give away a man secret here), stay around a female as her non-threatening friend until you see the perfect time to take a shot is golden!

BB Waite said...

Assuming the server caused the repeat (and not any stalker tendencies), assume he was weary or being shot down or lost your number (instead of hiding behind email) - then yes, Starbucks for him.

What I hate about flat out begging is that it make the beggar look weak and needy and the person they're begging weak for giving in. However, done in a clever "want you, need you, can't live without you" way like Max said below it can be effective.

midwestdominicana said...

Begging versus persistance I think is the real question here. Maybe Mr. Aaron isn't actually begging, but just one step above and being "persistant". If that is the case (hypothetically considering that there WAS a server glitch), I say give the man a call. You will most likely be able to tell a lot about what's really going on by how he handles the phone call. He has placed the ball in your court so to speak and so far (excusing the 16 other repeat emails), he has respectfully given you a non-threatening invitation to take the opportunity to pursue something with him.
You mentioned that you weren't interested years ago during the first opportunity, but remember that your state of relationship interest was nil. This guy could turn out to be a really great long-term friend or he could be "the one". You also must consider that he has also had some changes in his thinking on what kind of relationship he wants.
Obviously he sees something in you (or on you) that he'd like to know more about.
After the phone call if all goes well, accept the invitation and "plant" a trusted and preferably beefy male companion nearby in case you need an out.

Best wishes!

Troy said...

Giving away the secret sauce?! C'mon, man! The Hang Around is a time honored tradition among real G's. Let a sister believe you are "just a friend". Play that role and everybody accepts it. Her man, your woman - ev'body. But the day usually comes around when you're free, she's free and you can make that move.

yourgirlC said...

Definitely worthy of a coffee but you do need to check the repeat email thing. Could have been a tech glitch but best to ask him why he sent it the same email 17 times and read his face while he's answering. If he's mortified and confused, chalk it up to technology. If he says he wanted to get your attention, proceed with caution and high-beams.

Your state of mind in regards to men and relationships is in a very different place than where it was a few years ago. Go with an open mind and hear the brother out.

OneChele said...

Excellent points. And fortunately, I have one Starbuck's that I go to so often for "meet n greets" that the staff always looks out for me there. ;-)

kiki said...

Chele - line up what you already know about the guy with what you believe and then decide. It's just coffee.
As for your other questions... Begging is no buenp

Steve said...

Imma say skip it <--- cuz I'm hating. LOL, no really go head on.

Begging works depending upon what you are begging for. NO Keith Sweatt begging for drawers. No. Begging for a shot, forgiveness, any of those - might be worth it.

Suzie S said...

begging is not attractive on a woman. My secret weapon is flirting and then disappearing. That way they chase. ;-)

jake said...

I am not above a good beg. Combined with the sincere "I'm harmless look" and the lean into the personal space. Just sayin'

I Am Me said...

What happens if he doesn't chase?

Grace said...

I don't beg, I ask nicely while (as you say) blinking with the big eyes. Stilettos never hurt either.
Give Aaron a shot, what do you have to lose?

OneChele said...

What exactly is a manly pout? LOL!

derek love said...

Agreed! Persistent pursuit with confidence is one thing, whiny-ass begging is something else altogether. And no one looks good whiny ass begging. Your picture above makes me a little queasy.
Old boy get a coffee for persistence. It's up to him to impress you enough beyond that.

Eye Candy said...

Onto the next!

Eye Candy said...

Not a fan of begging but someone who knows what they want and go after it... that's sexy. Yes to coffee. Something about you has kept this guy biding his time for over two years, that's GOT to mean something...

thinklikeRiley said...

Exactly, I begs no one. If you don't want it, someone else does. Next!

OneChele said...

Classic.

OneChele said...

This answer is Classic C - Love it!

JaymeC said...

Give it a shot. Here's hoping this won't be a BougieTale of woe isn six months - LOL!

OneChele said...

Who told you about the "big-eye blink"?! I thought it was patented OneChele material. Along with a double blink and slow smile. HA!

Man's World said...

Like you, I'll rock a coffee date with just about anyone. BTW, the ladies have that hangaround down pat. Side-eye to my current girlfriend who was a "platonic friend" until my last girlfriend and I broke up. Next thing I know platonic friend is at my door with spaghetti and a DVD, smelling and looking good. She got me, ya'll.

Max_Reddick said...

You have to pout with a sneer with one eyebrow raised. And you should look like you are up to something. That's what a manly pout is all about.

OneChele said...

Alrighty then, good to know ;-)

Max_Reddick said...

No problem. I just want to do my part.

Max_Reddick said...

Brother, do you mean "hang around" theory? The whole "hand around" thing is delving into wholly different territory.

Jason P said...

Aw shit - yeah I meant hang around. Hand around is (while also effective) for a whole other topic... or blog. Unless Chele is going to start some BnB after dark posts?

OneChele said...

Wouldn't advise you to hold your breath waiting on that one. If you're looking for more sizzle... buy my book <--- shameless promotion!

Sarah said...

I enjoyed reading your book. I haven't read a romance novel before so I wasn't prepared for some of it. But it satisfied the three main criteria for a good book: I didn't want to put it down and stayed up too late last night finishing it, I wanted to see how the story turned out for the two main characters and was glad how it ended, and I could picture the characters in the novel and the story as it goes along. I particularly liked the inclusion of Rome's son and his parents. A+

Bailey Quincy said...

Coffee yes with strong side eye in case those 17 messages were not a server glitch!

Mocha dude Speaks said...

BeBe, love- I got YOU with the hang around and the begging. we just called it dogged pursuit back then... he, he, he.

datdudeincali said...

What? Shoot - to get the one I want next to me or to keep her from leaving, I will beg like a pre-schooler in the candy aisle. Whatever works.

angelasherell said...

Life is about timing. Give the brotha a break.

Jasmin said...

After reading your "Single ladies come have a seat" post I am officially hooked! Your posts remind me of a lot of things I think/discuss/blog about and I will be following from now on. :-)

Definitely pass on this dude. Sending out the same message is shady, especially since the only thing personal about it is the subject line. And the repetitiveness seems like he wants to see if he can hook up with you as a boost for his email. But I'm 21 and already suspicious of everyone/everything so take what I say with a grain of salt.

Jara said...

Many people are alive today because the "hang around theory" so works, especially in conjunction with the "let's get you drunk theory".

Jara said...

They always chase.

Anonymous said...

I am doing research for my university thesis, thanks for your helpful points, now I am acting on a sudden impulse.

- Laura

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