Tuesday, December 22, 2009

My favorite Snowpocalypse 2009 Story: One Night Stands Turns into 26-hour Nightmare

So, one of my readers shared on Saturday that he was snowed in up in Virginia. I said as long as he had food, water, electricity and an internet connection he was all good. One problem, he also had Friday night's one night stand snowed in with him. Ruh-roh. Monday afternoon, I got the full story and I felt it worthy to be called a BougieTale:

Our reader codenamed "U Don't Know Me" (we'll call him UDK) headed out into DMV nightlife and met an attractive female. Now either she fell for his lines or he fell for hers, maybe they both recognized what the other wanted, who knows. Either way, these two returned to UDK's home in a new subdivision in the VA for some adult aerobic activity. After repeated aerobic exertions, the duo fell asleep. UDK awoke to a disturbing sight. A pillowful of hair… no head attached. Her semi-bald head was somewhere near his feet. Not knowing what to make of this, he started to rise. She stirred and smiled at him, "Hey Derek, breakfast?" He noticed that her lengthy lashes from the night before were now stuck to her forehead and cheek. Again - disturbing.

His name was not Derek but if breakfast was what it took to get her moving on down the road, he was down. "Sure, eggs okay?" He hopped up, pulled on some sweats and headed downstairs. As he hit the bottom step he heard her say, "Oh, my hair came off!" Yeah it sure did. No harm, no foul. When you pick up someone at a dimly lit club after midnight, these are the chances you take. It wasn't until he stood in the kitchen whisking eggs that he noticed. It was deadly quiet outside. Granted, brand new condo complex, not a lot of folks yet but he could usually hear people on the main road beginning those Saturday errands. He flipped on the TV and saw the words "Winter Blizzard" flashing across the bottom of the screen. Before the weatherman would finish saying "Many roads simply impassable…" he looked out the window. And saw nothing but white for as far as his eyes could see.

Pulling on a coat and shoes he opened his condo door, the concrete landing and stairs were caked over and as he quickly found out as he landed on his ass, under that snow was ice. "John, are we snowed in?" He heard a voice behind him ask. His name wasn't John either but at this point he knew it didn't matter. "Just until the sand trucks come through, let's get some breakfast." To say that the pick-up chick did not look as delectable in the harsh light of day was unfair. After all, her club makeup was smudgy, her wig was crooked and the outfit that was sexy at 2:00a.m. suffered in sobriety tilting towards skanky. No matter, breakfast, rock salt, sand, a 30 minute drive and he'd never see her again. At least that was UDK's prayer.

His prayer was not answered. In condensed format, for the next 26 hours he made 17 frantic calls to city, county, property manager workers begging (pleading) for someone (anyone) to assist him in forklifting his one night stand (who swore her name was Sugar) out of his domicile. At one point, he attempted to purchase a snow-plow from a construction company. They were happy to sell it to him but it wouldn't be delivered until 3-days later.

He attempted to get to his car and get it going. His cute sportscar (which he referred to as a "ho-getter) was not built to climb ice-covered slopes. His new complex was built in a valley-type location (master plan FAIL) so NO one without a serious four-wheel drive, snow chains and a ton of de-icer was making it out.

During their time together, UDK discovered that Sugar was a weeper (cried at the drop of a hat) with a tiny bladder and the inability to recall anything close to his name. She was also a talker, did not appreciate football and felt comfortable enough to help herself to his food and drink at regular intervals. At first light, UDK placed Sugar on a homemade sled fashioned by himself and his neighbor. They drug Sugar through 75 yards of frosty snowbanks to the main road where her step-dad's work friend scooped her up in a Hummer and took her away... never to be heard from again (he hopes.)

So I asked UDK if he understood the moral to this story? He said yes. "Always check the next day's weather forecast before you bring someone home with you." Umm - no. I offered up this instead, "Never bring anyone home at night if you're not sure you want to see them in the morning." What do you think BougieLand? Got a moral for UDK? Any snowy horror stories to share?

29 comments:

Myas Mom said...

I'm new to this site, so my comment is real late and I don't know if you'll ever see it, but this was toooooo funny! I'm sitting at my desk at work trying my damnest not to burst out laughing! Great story!!!

Leon X said...

Too funny. I hope you're feeling better.

jorgemateo said...

Pure hilarity!

Andrea M said...

HA! The picture is classic and this story is one for the ages - oh UDK...

OneChele said...

I am, thanks so much!

Man's World said...

Whew, new BnB - I almost had to break down and do some work today - can't have that! This is hilarity!

Kiki said...

BWAHAHA! This is YouTube worthy. Someone should make this into a movie. Now that chick knows her mama did NOT name her Sugar. UDK went home with a stripper!

Man's World said...

20 minutes? He should've gone Love in da Club and been out.

OneChele said...

Thanks!

Queen of Me said...

Please tell me this story is not true! Someone should pass it out as cautionary tale

U Don't Know Me (UDK) said...

As long as I can provide entertainment for ya'll - it was all worth it? Not really. It was hellish. OneChele did a great job of taking my commentary and making it all sound light and humorous- she's talented. Made my misery into an anecdote for the ages.

M.A. Teague said...

This story can definitely be the basis for a reallllly good book!

CurlySue said...

This is one of the (many) reasons I don't do one night stands - I don't know you! LMAO! The morning after can be awkward enough but if you don't know the person and get all sorts of surprises in the morning... wow!

M.A. Teague said...

This story wass simply hilarious. I can only imagine trying to have awkward conversation with Sugar while thinking "how in the hell am I going to get her out of here". She just didn't get it nor did she care. Thank God it was only 26 hours though. Imagine if her dad's work friend didn't have a hummer? Her ass might STILL be there. Yeah, he missed the moral of the story too btw! So, unfortunately, he may repeat the same mistake again in the future. He'd better watch out cause she may show up on his doorstep one morning...looking for Ed and asking what's for breakfast!

Jason P said...

DUDE! Come on, son! Here's my only question... what were you drinking? Cuz I need to stay away from it. And what club did you scoop her up from cuz I'm steering clear of that as well!

Welcome into BougieLand. OneChele can make a trip to the grocery store sound like a movie plot... of a movie we're all dying to see!!!

derek love said...

One of my greatest nightmares - trapped with a woman I only wanted to spend 20 minutes with. His problem was going all marathon Mandingo on old girl.

Glad you're better

AppleBerryMIA said...

Write it Chele! this one's a best-seller!

OneChele said...

So funny - I thought the same thing - "Sugar is a stripper name"

AppleBerryMIA said...

A BougieTale classic. UDK - Lesson learned at least?

BB Waite said...

I'm not going to go all judgmental mama ... well - just a little bit - that's what you get! Out there hooking up and bringing strange ladies (girls) back to your house? LOL!

SpkTruth2Pwr said...

hahahaha wow. Definitely live and learn. I would be surprised if the "ho-getter" makes many more forays off into the forest. Lesson should definitely be learned. the TRUE lesson lol

Hope you are feeling better OneChele!

yourgirlC said...

Yep.

yourgirlC said...

First of all Chele, you still need to be resting. But, since you did post, I'll comment. That's what home boy gets. He's lucky she wasn't full-blown crazy! :)

citizen ojo said...

When she didn't remember his name was when it was apparent that the relationship was not going to work. He went from a "Ho-getter" to a "Ho Sled"..... I'll place myself in timeout now. : (

nvfreckles said...

damn. she could even get his name right. gee then she didnt have mer morning after together. ugh. I wonder if the aerobics were even worth it. lol.

Love this post. 2 snaps in a swirl.

Sarah said...

To avoid sounding like an old person, I won't say anything about the whole one night stand business. What it made me think of was a friend of mine who lets anybody in his home even though numerous times throughout his life he has been robbed by people who visited then decided to come back and relieve him of his things. Even if you are a man and it is a woman you bring home, she could tell her friends or whomever what is in your home and where you live. Call me paranoid if you will, but it is something to think about.

Good to hear you are feeling better Ms. Chele :-)

Reecie said...

This was hilarious. and I would've been trying to kick her out the moment she got my name wrong the FIRST time. wow. I know she know someone with a truck that couldve scooped her earlier. But seriously wig and lashes coming off? Come on ladies, gotta do better than that...LMAO

angela said...

It was a funny tale. But this is what you get when you pick up one night stands. It could have been worst. She could have slit his throat while he slept!!

Brandi said...

I don't even know what to say about that. He got lucky because she could've been crazy. And 26 hours is a long time to learn someone's home and come back later. I sure hope she was worth it. But for some reason, I doubt it. OneChele, time to start mapping out this book!

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