Friday, December 18, 2009

I love Black Men but there’s always a He Said/She Said…

It's been a great of week of love for the brethren, I appreciate everybody who stopped by. I did notice that every day (no matter what the topic) there was always something debate-worthy in the comments sections. Even among the love-fest, there were plenty of shots fired between the sexes. Based on that, I'm going to switch it up a little bit with a "Men or Women" conversation between myself and RiPPa from The Intersection of Madness of Reality. Enjoy:

Who gets more jealous? Women or Men?

She says: I'm going to say men. Men get situationally jealous but women are more suspicious overall… in my humble opinion. I think a woman gets jealous once she suspects something, a man can be jealous out of the blue.

He says: Oh it's definitely women! I say that for the simple fact that women are pursued by men more than it occurs the other way around - this is the traditional cat and mouse game. That said, there is more competition among women for attention. Add to the fact that there are more women than men, then one can see how easier it would be for women to be more jealous than men. Jealous men are just insecure about themselves and probably got picked on in grade school.

Who tells more lies? Women or Men?

She says: I'm going to say this is a tie. Men make up little stories (for apparent reason) but women make up entire scenarios. Both tell little white lies, "yes, those jeans still fit" or "It wasn't my turn to do the dishes."

He says: This is a tough one, and I can't really say. They both lie and that's the truth about it. But I guess since I have to choose I'd say men lie more. I say that because they're the "salesmen" in the "game" of courtship. Plus, with society being as male dominated as it is, men generally have an image to uphold and let's just say sometimes it's not so easy.

Who thinks about sex more often? Women or Men?

She says: I'm going to say men. Not that women don't think about it, just not every waking minute. I don't see sexual innuendo in, "Hey do you want a soda?" Men think soda is a euphemism for a li'l sumthin' sumthin'. < - - men made up that phrase, before Maxwell it just meant an appetizer tray.

He says: Women do because for the most part they're looking for love and they equate sex with love. That said, women have "love" on their minds moreso than men.

Who gossips more? Women or Men?

She says: Hands down it's men but they will NEVER admit it. They consider it an informed discussion. Newsflash: half of what you listen to on ESPN, Jamie Foxx and Howard Stern is gossip. Ya'll just ain't sitting on a couch wearing four-inch heels and drinking mojitos while you do it.

He says: Oh this is easy...W-O-M-E-N! Men do their fair share of it, but the ladies have this one on lock hands down. That's why they always have problems with their girlfriends - they talk and gossip too damn much.

Who bounces back from hurt feelings quicker? Women or men?

She says: I have to say women. Men act like they are over it when they really, really (really) aren't. Women stay wounded and let everyone know but then when they're through – it's done. Women remember the details (what was said, what was worn, who ate what); men remember the feelings.

He says: Women have a tendency to carry baggage with them from relationship to relationship and they don't heal as quickly as men do. But then again maybe men are better at hiding their pain as a defense mechanism. All in all, given that defense mechanism often used by men I'll have to say that men bounce back quicker.

Her commentary: Overall, I just think men are programmed to act like things are okay when they aren't, hence the phrase "man up." Women are conditioned to express themselves. But with the evolution of gender roles, I believe the lines of behavior are blurring. Some women like to "date like men," some men like to be "expressive like females." More and more women can change their own oil, hang a ceiling fan and wire electronics. More and more men can coordinate throw pillows in their living room and set a table for six with candles and all. And isn't a perpetuation of stereotypes to think that black men are all strong and silent while black women are dramatic and quick to do a neckroll? Probably, so in the end, I think my real answer to these questions could be: Depends on the man and depends on the woman.

His commentary: Society has clear gender roles defined for men and women. This is not to say that men and women should confine or define themselves by said roles. That said, life would be a helluva lot easier if as men and women we did not have expectations of one another as defined by societal gender roles. I think we can have a better understanding of each other as "people" or "human beings" both with emotional needs and instabilities. Because I'm a man do not expect me to "act" a certain way because that's just the way men are supposed to act and vice versa. Ultimately a think much of the "war of the sexes" can and should be resolved through communication or the ability to communicate thought at the appropriate times. Anything communicated from a place that is emotionally charged is not good in my opinion. Even if it comes from some source of welcomed euphoria it is often confused for something other than what is meant.

BougieLand… the floor is yours, weigh in with your choices and let us know why!


AppleBerryMIA said...

Men are the BIGGEST gossips in the world. I can tell my girlfriend something ans say "don't tell anybody" that holds, tell my boyfriend who "justs tells one boy" it's all over the damn place.
Men are always in protect mode and for some reason this cause them to fib about things we actually don't give a damn about ;-)
Men stay hurt a long, long time - they just don't admit it.

OneChele said...

It's all subjective ;-)

RiPPa said...

Very subjective when internalized and the particular is individualized.

For the record, my responses were "generalized" and were not impacted by personal experiences.

BB Waite said...

Defined roles maybe, but as a woman in her 50s, I can tell you they have definitely evolved and grown more flexible, in some ways interchangeable. I would not want to be back out there, that's for sure.

OneChele said...

Thank you sir.

derek love said...

Men do gossip more but Ripp is dead on for the rest.

OneChele said...

Well said.

Mocha Dude Speaks said...

Just had this discussion with the wife! She swears I am the biggest gossip she knows. I just like to share information, you ladies putting a label on it... LOL

Grace said...

OneChele - you ain't right for this one. You knew it was going to stir up some bullshiggity so you saved it for last. LOL. It definitely depends - I know some men who cannot keep a secret to save their lives and some women who are so sex-crazy they can't hardly be productive for lining up that next hit (didn't mean it to sound that way).

And I don't think people (Rippa) should confuse "traditional gender roles" with behavioral patterns.

I do think women can be a bit more aggressive and still allow a man to be a man. You should do a post on what that means - "letting a man be a man"

BTW Chele, thanks for the shout out, I hung two ceiling fans in my house last week.

Jason P said...

Ya'll crack me up. This is another one of those were you ask 25 women and 25 men and you'll get 50 different opinions!
Everybody lies, everybody gets jealous, everybody wants to get laid, everybody gossips and everybody gets their heart broken... how much, how often is an individual point of view.

JaymeC said...

When I say the title, I knew this could go civilly or some other kind of way. Should be interesting to watch.
You know what they say: there are three sides to every story - His, Hers and the Truth. That's real.

diamond life said...

I think it's cool that we can celebrate our differences while recognizing that they count.

Man's World said...

I don't know about "all men" or "all women" - I do know that a female goes all green-eyed monster on me, she's cut. If I catch her in a lie, she's cut. If I find out she's been gossiping about me in the skreetz, she's cut. She can think about sex as much as she likes but she has to leave that baggage at the door.

RiPPa said...

"And I don't think people (Rippa) should confuse "traditional gender roles" with behavioral patterns."

Care to expand on that?

RiPPa said...

"Women TODAY are way too smart to equate love and sex."

Are you suggesting that women prior to "TODAY," were "slower" or "foolish" to equate sex with love?

If so, you tell me what has changed and how exactly has that mindset changed?

"NOWADAYS women chase men just as hard as men chase women (regrettably)."

... and if this is true, why is it "regrettably," as you say? Aren't they the more WISER today for doing so as you suggested?

Andrea M said...

I think you are taking her comments too literally. Clearly, women have the same amount of brain power as they ever have but obviously we have been exposed to more nuances in relationships and have a far greater understanding of levels of intimacy that generations past may not have been privy to. In addition, I too think it's regretable that women feel the need to chase men - I don't do it because I am more a traditionalist. Not everything is a conspiratorial debate, just facts.

Andrea M said...

As you say, le sigh. I love how you reach out to other folks but your best posts are your thoughts. No offense to your guests. Thanks for a great week of stuff - this was fun.

RiPPa said...

So if it is "regrettable" and you're a "traditionalist", then my assertion
that their are defined gender roles as it applies to dating holds true, no?

OneChele said...

Well, thanks but hold up - the purpose of the guest bloggers is to present divergent ideas and opinions. I know we keep it all love here in BougieLand but in order to grow, doesn't hurt to have differing opinions and a little conflict every now and then. ;-)

Mocha Dude Speaks said...

As your husband, I am overwhelmingly glad to hear this. I'm gonna steal from Chele - laser beam side eye

Steve said...

I would love to see a post on what OneChele believes "letting a man be the man" is about. Intriguing concept.

OneChele said...

Might write one but don't get too excited, I don't speak for every woman... just the bougie, smart and cute ones - HA!

CurlySue said...

This one makes me feel some kinda way. Would be nice if you too had met in the middle somehow.

RiPPa said...

Not saying that they haven't evolved because obviously they have. But I'm
curious: why wouldn't you want to be "back out there," as you said?

Sweet N Tart said...

Ha ha - discussion for the ages. They'll be debating this in 3010 (if we haven't blown up the earth by then - different topic)

ASmith said...

Generally speaking, I think to a degree men like for women to be jealous and they do ish to make us that way. My ex (whose quote I use here to sum up my opinion, not to prove it right) said to me once, "You should be happy I'm jealous. It shows I love you." Uhh... right.... Most women don't like a jealous man because they are impossible to deal with. No one wants crazy jealous woman who slashes your tires and tries to incapacitate you so you can't leave, but unlike men, I think women have varying degrees of jealousy. Mild jealousy which usually manifests as suddenly showering a lot of attention on the man all the way to extreme jealousy which require a restraining order. Meanwhile, men seem to only have one level of jealousy. Not quite restraining order-worthy but not mild enough that it's amusing.

Some of the most gossiping people I've ever met in my LIFE are men. They call it just saying what they know, but they are some GOSSIPING FOOLS. I love 'em, but man do they know how to act like gossip is a female thing. False, false, AND false. When I wanna know something, I call my male friends. They know. Then I dissect the information with my girls. Maybe that's why guys think it's not gossiping cause they don't spend 10 years dissecting and analyzing, but if you talmbout anything other than YOUR business, you're gossiping. Please and thanks.

Meanwhile, I love how you 2 were opposite on almost every question. Shows the work we all have to do in relationships to get to some kind of middle.

Kiki said...

I have enjoyed this week immensely, great pre-Holiday content. *applause*

BB Waite said...

I was blessed enough to find someone with whom I just fit. The entire courtship and marriage has been easy. Not sure I could find that again.

datdudeincali said...

Dude - extreme much? LMAO!

JustPassingBy said...

I hate to let down the brotherhood but Chele is right on most of hers. Men do gossip more, we call it "having a discussion"
Women are generally trusting until they've been given a reason not to be
Men think about sex all the time but we've learned to multi-task. When women think about sex, it's urgent.
Lies vary from sex, women are better at it though
But I do think women stay hurt longer.

AppleBerryMIA said...

I'm going to say that Rippa is WAY off on some of his opinions (not for the first time). He needs to get up out of the last century with those opinions. Women TODAY are way too smart to equate love and sex. A lot of the time one has nothing to do with the other. NOWADAYS women chase men just as hard as men chase women (regrettably). A lot of women have little of NO drama with their girlfriend because they now when to be quiet and lastly - Men carry around trunkloads of baggage that they never deal with due to some macho code and women are left to put it back together.

true2me said...

I liked this he said she said. I think it was done and answered very accurately. The last two paragraphs that discussed the gender roles changing is excellent and I am glad I am not the only one making that observation. This was a good week Chele. Can't wait till next week



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