Thursday, December 17, 2009

I Love Black Men but sometimes you can be a Heartbreaker

I love Black Men but sometimes you're like that Pat Benatar Song: Heartbreaker. A woman's heart is a fragile, fragile thing. Even when she acts like it isn't. You just never know what thing you do while bruise it, nick an artery or cause life-threatening damage.

This week on BnB we are celebrating our brothers. Giving them some love and trying to understand what makes him do what he do. Yes let the record reflect that I love black men in all their colors, moods, moments and mystery. However, that does not absolve my brothers from a salty side-eye when they step out of line. So then, there are a few things I would like to know. And instead of continuing to guess at the answers (that hasn't worked out); I'm going straight to the source. I've asked Citizen Ojo from The Desultory Life & Times of a Public Citizen to help out.

Some things that a man does (wittingly or unwittingly) just break a girl's heart. Some of them are big, some small but either way; inquiring minds would like to know why.

1. Why get a girl's phone number and never call? Why wait three (five) days to call? Why say the words "I'll call you right back" when you know you mean "I'll get back to you at some point, maybe?"

Single Men prioritize all the women they meet. So if you receive a call the week after that means you are low on the depth chart. Think of it as being a Running Back on a Professional Football team. If you are the 3rd or 4th best back then you won't get a lot of playing time. Unless you play for the Detroit Lions...ha ha ha! I crack myself up sometimes…

2. Why don't you just break up with a woman when you meet somebody else you are attracted to? (prior to marriage)

It's a game of odds. If you give up what you currently have, for what you think you have, you might end up with nothing. No man is willing to risk that.

3. Is there any justifiable reason for a man to tell a woman that he loves her when he really doesn't?

No it is not!! But Men do it anyway. Most men who say that are attempting to get something from a woman. Women who have this problem usually give signals that saying "I love you" will open a door to something else. Since the man has picked that up, he will go there just to get what he wants. When a woman meets a man she should even bring up the "L" word until she knows that the relationship is ready to go to the next step.

4. Is it ever a good idea to marry a woman because they've been together so long the man feels like "she's earned it"?

Hell No! That sounds horrible. What kind of man does that? Did the man put the woman through an obstacle course and she won by beating out the other contestants??

5. If a man get into a "purely" physical relationship with a woman, can it ever go beyond that for the man or will he only see her as the booty call?

Sure it can. This is what happens in a lot of relationships. It starts out with sex and then someone catches feelings. The problem starts when the other person just wants to keep it sexual. Then you can't go to sleep at night and you end up standing outside the girls apartment…and…oh…at least that is what I have heard…but I digress. If a woman puts it down in the bedroom and has an A+ grade in all other categories, then a man could want more. People give the "Friends with Benefits" tagline a bad *side eye* when they shouldn't. What might not work or have worked for you could be perfect for someone else. When I was in the military a good "booty call" could get a girl a wedding ring. I was always amazed when everyone's favorite "club chick" would end up being some dudes "Mrs. Right". Love is a funny thing!!

Definite points for brutal honesty on this one. What say you, BougieLand? Agree? Disagree? The floor is yours.


Rob said...

My answers
1. Sometimes I forget - just that absent minded, not trying to be a player.
2. I need down time between relationships so this isn't an issue - ever
3. No.
4. No.
5. Rarely

AppleBerryMIA said...

I think it happens on both sides. Sometimes a man starts calling me his lady and we've only shared a latte.

Dr. Peppa said...

I actually wish people would stop tossing around "love" as an emotion until they know what it means.

Pure Choco said...

I don't think there's any more malice in women than men. I think this answer gets skewed based on personal experience.

Sarah said...

Ok. This might be all together too serious. I've been spending a lot of the last couple of years thinking about 'why' questions. And one of my conclusions is that people (men and women) don't seem to spend much time considering how their actions affect the people around them or why they think they have the right to act as they do. Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should. Unfortunately, we can't see what a person is really like by looking at them. There isn't 'self-centered' stamp on a person's forehead any more than a 'crazy' stamp. We have to figure it out and therein lies many of the 'ouches' of life.

Kiki said...

I like the football metaphor. Interesting questions and answers. Thanks

Kiki said...

I like the football metaphor. Interesting questions and answers. Thanks

Sasha Stiletto said...

It's always interesting getting a peek into man's mind and how it works. I've found that primarily sexual relationships have a hard time transitioning to walks in the park. IMHO

Cassie said...

Nothing worse than telling a guy you love him and he gives you the deer in the headlights look before mumbling 'love you too' - OUCH! is right

SBChitownChick said...

I get around that whole phone number hustle by saying No but you can give me yours. You wait by the phone and see how you like it.
Due to my cynicism, I don't listen to words, I check actions. If you show me you love me, I'll believe you. If you say it - we'll have to see.
I expect women to share some responsibility in the marriage issue. Women need to set the relationship expectations up front. Don't be that chick waiting around 7 years for a ring. EFF that!
Same goes for the booty calls. If it's just a bump n grind situation, accept that. Don't expect your vijayjay to net you a boyfriend.
Mini Rant. Thanks for listening!

Brandi said...

So true. Many times we fall for someone too fast or give away too much power. Usually if you got hurt, if you reflect, you can see where you went wrong.

OneChele said...

I don't think that's line of fire, that's valid

Carl said...

Unlike some folks, I think it’s ridiculous to try and speak for all single men. So let me start out with a big qualifier: this is just the way I operated when I was single.
1. Sometimes I’ve gotten a number just for practice. Other times I’ve gotten a number and then decided that I wasn’t interested enough to call her. I’ve never been one to play those reindeer games where people have to wait a certain number of days to call someone back. I’ve actually called (at times) immediately after I got the number. Other times, because of work I’ve had to bounce from one city to another right after I got the number. So I’ve ended up calling a week later from some airport.
2. I’m heterosexual. Therefore, there will always be women I’m attracted to. But if I feel a need to take it further than just attraction, definitely I would break off my current relationship first. Even, if it’s marriage. Frankly, that “bird in the hand” mentality is for people who know they can’t do any better than what they have.
3. Yes. If she has a gun to my head. Other than that, hell no.
4. Nah, that’s just stupid. Actually, if she has such low self respect to allow a man to string her along forever; then she’s definitely not good wife material anyway.
5. Maybe. But it’s highly unlikely. At best she’ll be #1 on the list. If I’ve pissed anybody off; don’t get mad at me, just be honest with yourselves.

Mr. Skyywalker said...

Problem really is that too many people let the outside come inside on their relationships. 2 people in it, that's it. I know my relationships are better when my boys, her girls and "well-meaning" family members got all in the mix. Even at the beginning - Girl it took him seven days to call you - so what?! I called, let's roll. Co-sign with AppleBerry, communicate and minus the rest of it.

HauteLikeMe said...

You and Apple better preach. Women lay down with WELCOME stamped on their forehead and then wonder why they get walked on... you made yourself a doormat sweetheart, don't be mad he did the expected.

Steve said...

Don't shoot but women break way more hearts than men.

LikeLena said...

I would debate that. Strongly.

OneChele said...

I think next time I'll interview 25 mena nd see if there's a consensus. :-) Thanks for answering

Steve said...

In my opinion, men break hearts accidentally, women do it maliciously.

BB Waite said...

Who does what to who more often is up for grabs, I think what we can learn from the death of that young boy today is that drama must cease. Take a page out of OneChele's book and love each other, flaws and all.

JaymeC said...

Apparently, there are a lot of bruised hearts still out there.

AppleBerryMIA said...

I will put myself in the line of fire by saying some women set themselves up for heartbreak. Don't give the men all the power in the relationship and keeps lines of communication open.

AppleBerryMIA said...

Couldn't disagree more. It's rare a woman just sets out to conquer then walks away. Not saying it doesn't happen but I would bet my next check that men are far more destructive that way.

derek love said...

Ask 5 men, you'll get 5 answers. Here are mine:
1. I don't ask for a phone number unless I want to call. And I call a day or so after because girls get nervous
2. Truthfully, the one time I cheated when I was in a relationship, I hadn't planned on it (not making excuses) So there was no time for explanations, only apologies all the way around
3. If you don't love someone don't say it - ever. Even if you're not sure of what you feel, don't say it until you 100% mean it
4. A friend of mine did this, he had a woman who hung around and hung around and finally he was like, hey - she's hung in long enough - ridiculous! I don't assume marrying me is some sort of prize
5. IF the nature of your interaction is hit it and quit it, that's hard to change. If it's a friends with benefits thing, that can evolve into something real
Again, just one man out of many with an opinion

datdudeincali said...

Respect for saying it. Not that men can't do some doggish sh!t but sometimes a woman has built a whole sandcastle in her head and we never made it to the beach, ya know?


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