Monday, November 30, 2009

When your “sexy text” goes really, really wrong: A BougieTale of EPIC FAIL

And now for your reading pleasure, an open letter to a dude I am no longer dating as of Friday night… yes, another one.

Hello dude,

It's me. The girl you texted "Happy Thanksgiving, boo" to on Thursday even knowing how much I hate to be called boo. Very minor. Not an eject-from-the-game infraction though fringing on side-eye worthy behavior.

Yet and still, we were all well and good until Friday evening's dreadful text. Yessir, right up to the moment I received that unfortunate communiqué, you were still in the top three on the PSO (Potential Significant Other) candidate list. I wrote this post right after our interaction so as not to misquote or misrepresent you in any way. It was 8:52 p.m. when I received your first test:

You: What are you up to?

Me: Hanging at home with family. What's up?

You: Do you want to come over and Lewinsky me?

Me, reading twice to make sure that's really what I read. Among other (many) issues with this text, it's just not everyday you see the word Lewinsky used as a verb.: Um, no. Has ANYTHING about me indicated that I'm THAT chick?

You: No, but no harm in asking, right?

Me: Plenty of harm, actually.

You: Lighten up. Take it as a joke then.

Me: **crickets** (meaning I sent no reply to that)

You: Problem??? I know you're working out, I wanted to help with your protein intake. J

Eww and ick. Too much to say for text, I hit the dial button: You've lost your mind, huh?

You: Get a sense of humor.

Me: And you're quickly losing whatever shot you had with me.

You: Take it as a compliment.

Me: Getting an offer to be your chickenhead du jour is a compliment?

You: Hey girl, I called you first!

Me (short-tempered): You #@$% called me first?!

You: Ya mad?

Me: There are women you date and women you text on Friday night to get Lewinskied. You put me in the wrong #@$* category!

You: Just for tonight, we can date tomorrow.

Me (incredulous): I. Am. Speechless.

You: Jeez, it's just a [tacky synonym for Lewinsky]. That's not even real sex, just an appetizer! I can speed dial one of those any day of the week, sweetheart. Don't even sweat it.

Me (after strategic pause): Good to know. Listen, [insert Shaniqua-style invective-laden rant with really shameful abuse of the English language here]. And you may lose my number. CLICK.

So, after reviewing the nonsense you said/typed this evening can you think of any reason why I should continue any flavor of relationship with you? Take your time, I'll wait. Hmm, what's that? No, you really can't. Me either. You sir, may kick rocks.

Peace Out, homie. ~OneChizzle [yeah, I had to go old school]

As any good blogger would, I typed up this post immediately and sent out a tweet: "Dear Lord, please forgive me for the cussing I broke off on this man this evening. I will attend church on Sunday and blog it on Monday. AMEN." There followed a lively Twitter exchange about timely blogposts, spoiler alerts and nunneries. (You had to be there) Thanks to LeonX, TiffanyinHouston and ASmith86 for talking me down.

POSTSCRIPT: At 5:14 a.m. (the HELL?!), my cell phone started ringing. I reached over and pressed ignore. Then it started buzzing. I ignored it. And then it beeped three times signaling an urgent text (yes, from now on I will be turning off my cell at night. If you don't have my home number, we're not that close). I picked up the phone and squinted at the screen, it was old boy: "Couldn't sleep at all tonight. Don't know why I said what I said. My bad. Did I blow it with you?" I flung the phone to the side and turned back over. Five hours later after his SIXTH text, I wrote back: Why don't we just say we are not what the other is looking for and leave it at that? Haven't heard back from him.

So here's what's up. OneChele is officially on dating hiatus (again). I actually do have two other gentlemen (I'm assuming they're gentlemen) auditioning for the role of PSO right now but I'z tired and weary. Need a little recharge-Chele-time cuz my bouge is sagging to the left and the right. Maxwell's clone could show up at the door singing about taking me away to Aruba and I'd have to respectfully decline right now. [Yes, I'm side-eyeing my damn self on that one].

But never fear, BougieLand… I still have years and years of drama-filled BougieTales yet to share. And on that note, come on now – any man over the age of 35 sending random-ridiculous texts like that deserves the swift kick. Am I right or am I right?

40 comments:

AppleBerryMIA said...

You should have kicked him farther and harder. Like you, I would have gotten over the initial stupidty if he didn't come back around with the "speed dial" line. Men are idiots.

ASmith said...

This is far more ridiculous than I was expecting. I don't know what I was expecting, but Lawd Jeebus above I wasn't expecting that.

Was this dude high? Drunk, perhaps? I think I'm even more confused about how he comes back later all "Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde" talmbout "I don't know why I said what I said." Bruh, YES.YOU.DO. You were thinking with the wrong head and when somebody TRIED to help you out, you wanted every to hee-haw. I would've been on the phone w/ him from that first dumba$$ text message, just to say "I'm not going to Lewinsky you, but we can talk about Lorena Bobbit, if you'd like"
I don't accept this. I do.not.

Nope.

Facebook and text messages: ruining relationships before they get started good.

datdudeincali said...

He is 25 - no excuse. Yes Riley, I put you on BLAST!

datdudeincali said...

There's no Lewinsky in Leviticus!

Mocha Dad said...

Wow! I can't believe the audacity.

Sarah said...

Yes, he deserved the swift kick. Besides the obvious offensiveness of what he said was the way he said it. He was doing that passive aggressive manipulation sh!t which doesn't bode well for any relationship. Even though it is supposed to be a joyous time of year, the holidays end up being stressful for most people. It may not be a bad idea to chill on the dating front until things are more relaxed.

BrendaKay said...

OneChele - you are RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT and way too kind. As soon as that Lewinsky line flashed up, you didn't owe that fool any further comments. Life is simply too short for dumbasses!

Truly OneChele, it's time for the matchmaker.

OneChele said...

LOL - you may be right!

Kiki said...

I so admire that you keep a sense of humor about it all! I'd be cutting fools... well talking about cutting them anyway ;-)

derek love said...

Well, you hit the nail on the head - there are women you call for that sort of thing and he was an idiot to assume you were one of those. Same way you can't turn a ho into a housewife, it's never a good idea to treat your silk shirt like a sham-wow if you take my meaning. How unfortunate for his stupid ass. Onto the next!

Grace said...

He was serious? And then tried to guilt you into giving him another shot with the "can't sleep" line? That couldn't have waited until after sunrise? Yes ma'am, recharge, refuel, reload and begin anew in 2010. And should your path cross with THIS idiot - kick his ass!

thinklikeRiley said...

Hold up! Not saying he was right but he took a shot. You said no. Nuff Said. No federal case needed. Old boy's ONLY bad step was asking for a buff and polish on a Friday night? I think he gets a second chance. You too quick to pull the trigger.

yourgirlC said...

Uh uh. This. Is. So. Wrong. Girl, I can't even type what I want to say about this stupid exchange.

ASmith said...

"Clearly his raggedy attempt at getting his groove on Monica style has worked before, so he saw nothing wrong with it. "

As a former professor would say, "Azactly."

And as David Banner (huh?) said, "Women, raise your standards"

It's unfortunate it was at OneChele's expense, but I bet'cha ol' boy will think twice before doing that with the next woman he really is interested in. He'll go straight for one of the girls he knows will say yes (at least...)

Andrea M said...

Him coming back with the "I couldn't sleep" line was the worst. Like Chele was supposed to feel bad FOR HIM?

Jenny said...

Wow - that is some slap-worthy behavior. Craziness!

OneChele said...

Love it!

All Honey said...

True and true! Men are always telling women to stay in their lanes, men need to understand which neighborhood they are in... don't come MLK Blvd with a Park Avenue girl.

LikeLena said...

You pull the ripcord before you waste time with someone who obviously doesn't get you (or respect women very much). Now if she was in it to do buff and polish work that would be one thing.

LikeLena said...

Cosign! Men try this crap because some girls are letting them get away it. At least next time maybe he'll stop and think?

karen1657 said...

Hi,

First-time reader of your blog. Enjoyed it.

Let me encourage you as a married woman of 17 years. That guy is a jerk and our job is not to try and reform the jerks of the world nor give them a second chance. The passive-aggressive mention that he can get anyone to "Lewinsky" him and that he called you first was alone worthy of an ass-kicking. But we are ladies and we don't do that!;-)))

Idon't know which is worse...the fact that he even asked you that or the fact that he tried to make you feel honored by being the first that he asked?!!

My only nudge to you is that after that was asked of you, you should have scrolled through your phone and put his number in your blocked calls section. PERIOD. He was not AT ALL worthy of ANY DISCUSSION on that matter. He also showed himself to be unworthy of any discussion with you about anything. Silence is the loudest no of all.

Should you meet him on the street or at a party and he tries the old "Hey, girl! What's Up?" , I would advise that you say to him..."I'm sorry, I don't believe we've met" and keep it moving. Ugh!!! for real.

Page Bartlett said...

Hand clap to you! Speak your peace and step on. That's so much ridiculousness that you don't need.

OneChele said...

Welcome and good points. If only I didn't feel compelled to get that last word in! Just had to make my point to him. It's a flaw - I'll work on it ;-)

Jason P said...

FITA (Foot In The Ass) is what old boy deserves. Good for you giving him the bidness!

OneChele said...

HA! I'm stealing FITA and using it!

karen1657 said...

Oh, my, God....church-going?! Now I feel even more sad. At first I wrote him off as a sick soul in need of redemption, but this guy goes to church and still uses this line. Aw, lawd, help us now. Wow.

queenome said...

Oh Jayme, I hope you have a GREAT Christmas present in mind for Ms. Chele. Just goes to show that a resume does not the man make. You just never know when the crazy is going to show up!

MochaDudeSpeaks said...

Riley - come on now. Once a man shows his behind like that, a good woman must cut and run. Still in the early "trying to impress" stage to? If this is his best game, she's better seeing the cards he holds up front.

mojitochica said...

God I hope you are under 30.

Suzie S said...

I know Karen, when the pew-sitting fellas start cutting up, all is lost! (Which Bible is HE reading?)

MochaMuffin said...

Did that buster say "help you with your protein intake"?! I think I just threw up a little in my mouth. Eww and ick is right.

JaymeC said...

Okay, I'll fess up. I actually set Chele up with this guy. He's grown, church-going (teaches a Sunday School class), has a brilliant mama, is raising a daughter on his own AND he's a decorated police officer - I would have NEVER seen this coming from him - ever, ever. My bad, Chele. Maybe I'll include a psych exam in my screening process?

Andrea M said...

Why can we ALWAYS count on you to say something completely ignorant? It SHOULD have been nuff said, but then he tried to act like if she wasn't gonna do the polishing, he had a line of folks waiting. Fail. For him and you.

OneChele - that kinda nonsense always deserves a boot... with a spiked heel.

Carey Jackson said...

Well yes, by definition, this is a fail of epic proportion... poor Mr. Stupid.

Leon X said...

"Happy Thanksgiving, boo"

That right there is an "L". If you ever hear me saying "boo" to a woman it's to cure her of hiccups.

OneChele said...

Ha! Excellent point.

Rob said...

Hmm, after being in BougieLand for a while I must confess some shame at the brotherhood but do you have bougie tales where the woman has done the man wrong... just to even it up a little?

Steve said...

Why brothers try to run game meant for empty headed 22 year olds on a grown-ass intelligent woman, I'll never know. He should respect who he was stepping to and learn when to STFU. When men gonna learn? Win over the woman and you won't have to text asking for nonsense, she'll be by your side loving you up! On behalf of the brotherhood - apologies and like you say... Le Damn Sigh!

Penny said...

I think we women explain waaaay too much; we work really hard trying to justify our decisions, and make ourselves understood. Men don't seem to do that. Clearly his raggedy attempt at getting his groove on Monica style has worked before, so he saw nothing wrong with it. Continued conversations trying to explain why this was tacky and inappropriate did not work. As he said, he had people on speed dial that would accommodate him. Well, then, that is who he should have called. IMO, after an explanation that something is tacky and inappropriate, no further comments or discussion are required. He can get the hint, or not.

Citizen Ojo said...

I've heard the rumor about the "Protein" factor before but I have never heard a Medical Doctor co-sign on it. I guess it is just a college rumor....are you sure this guy wasn't a college student? You know some guys look older these days.

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