Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Trying not to hate on… Big Warehouse Stores the week of Thanksgiving

Dammit Walton Family. Yes you, Sam's Wholesale Club. You know I'm trying not to hate this week. But no! You don't wanna act right. You just couldn't make it easy on me. Last minute Thanksgiving shopping should not be a living nightmare. Okay sure, I should have bought this stuff over a week ago… Don't. Judge. Me. I'm not the issue here, it's your big concrete and steel warehouse full of nonsense that is the issue. So I have a few questions:

  1. Why is the parking lot hassle enough to make me wish I stayed home?

    Pulling in and finding a spot should not be as difficult as winning the lottery though both feel pretty futile. Holiday parking should be a competitive sport covered by ESPN. The person to snag the spot closest to the door without injuring self or vehicle wins.

  2. Why is the Salvation Army chick so pushy?

    Is it me or have the bell-ringers gone a little gangster? Sheesh! I understand it's for a good cause and all that but how do you know I haven't given at the last FIVE stores I went to looking for whole grain stuffing mix? I could be all tapped out and on my last dime and you are still going to laser beam side-eye me on the way in and shout out a snarky "Happy Holidays to you, ma'am" on my way out.

  3. Why is there a line just to get up in the door?

    Dear Membership Card Checker Person, we both know you don't care if the picture on this card belongs to me or my dearly departed 97-year old Aunt Vi. As long as my card is approved at the end of the day, you gives a damn. So why you trippin' on the entrance. Just wave folks in and say "Welcome to Sam's", could you please?

  4. Why were people playing bumper cars with the carts, is it that crucial? Do we look like we are going to take the last can of cranberry sauce?

    Apparently it was crucially important that two melanin-challenged people get in the door and to the cranberries prior to BougieSis and I. The dive-bombing was a bit much and the blatant swerve and cut-off was inexcusable. Calm down people, it's just jellied fruit.

  5. To the lady who looked insulted when we took the celery she was apparently coveting… what's wrong with your life that you are so focused on celery?

    Seriously, first she stood angrily waiting while we debated the need for three bunches of celery. Then she gave us a nasty stank-eye when we selected the one package she apparently wanted to take home with her. You know what, if your stuffing isn't all that it can be because of your celery deficiency, feel free to blame it on the two bougie chicks who slowed you down for 45 seconds.

  6. Excuse me miss, I just overheard you say it's just you and your husband? What are you planning to do with 6 jumbo cans of super-sweet corn and 2 ten pound bags of brown sugar?

    I don't really know what else to say about that except somewhere in the distance, some is putting SuperFreak on repeat. They giving thanks for real.

  7. What is the deal with the gallon size containers of anti-bacterial hand gel? [H1N1 fear is the truth!]

    On our way to check out we noticed a towering display of gallon tanks of "germ-b-gone" or whatever they want to call it. Good Lord! If this was all it took to stay alive, don't you think we'd all be bathing in it morning and night? As our checkout girl shared, people have been catching colds and flus for years yet the human race is still here. [yeah, checkout chick went all existential on us]

  8. Why did we spend more on wine than we did on actual food? [priority FAIL]

    We bee-lined straight to the wine section and spent more time and money there than anywhere else in the store. We must have weighed the merits of merlot vs. pinot noir for a good five minutes while the cart was crying out for some sort of poultry.

  9. We see you have moved all the "fun" toys to the front of the building, near the checkout lanes. Do not be slick. Are you trying to create family disturbances just for fun?

    Kids became transfixed just as their parents were ready to get the heck out of Dodge. It's a recipe for tomfoolery and prologue to catching a CPS case. Not a good look, Sam's.

  10. Why is the receipt review lady perpetually pissy?

    I would have to say that 85% of the time I shop at this Sam's the Jamaican woman at the exit door is salty. Her tartness was at an all time high today and she muttered to herself and walked in a staccato circle while reviewing the contents of the cart. "Have a nice day!" I said in a friendly tone as we began to push past her. If looks could kill, the forensic investigators would be fingerprinting the Sam's door right now.

Did you do your Thanksgiving shopping early or last minute? What's on the menu? Who's cooking? Does anyone share my love/hate relationship with warehouse megastores?


Sarah said...

Ah yes. I learned my lesson about going to the grocery store Thanksgiving week a years ago. This would be why my refrigerator got stocked last Friday. I hope you have recovered from the ordeal and have a fun time with the meal and your company.

[flahy] [blak] [chik] said...

I get hives from big lot stores! Like why do I need a 10 gallon container of mayo? LMAO!
I'm the queen of online grocery shopping...I'm very impatient and will loose my temper if i stand in line too long!

Lady said...

My S.O. has served our country for the past six years so we went on base to the PX and did our shopping last Wednesday. I love going early because I hate the last minute attitudes of the customers and the cashiers. The customers are mad at them selves for waiting so late and the cashiers are looking at the customers like they are complete idiots for waiting so long. I figure like this, Thanksgiving and Christmas come the same time every year. It has not changed, I am 26 and for 26 years Thanksgiving has come the 4th thursday in November. Christmas has been on the 25th of December for the past 26 years that I've been alive soooo, why is there so much shock and dismay when we look at the calendar on the fourth monday and realize there is no bird, no stuffing, no cranberry sauce, no rolls, no macaroni, no greens, no sweet potatoes, and the list goes on as you prefer. LOL. I can't complain if I get caught out there with the crazies because I'm crazy for being out there with them. I'll be cooking for my family and complaining until the first fork hits the plate and then I can smile with joy as my family, friends and loved ones enjoy my labor of love.

daisy said...

Yes, I was sucked into the Costco void for close to two hours. Just now shaking it off. But my tussle was over the wine, they only had two bottles of a particular cabernet I wanted and this guy showed no interest until I held the last two bottles in my hands. All of a sudden he wants to know if I'm buying them both and how selfish to take the last two and he can suggest a substitute... I stood thinking - this is true bouge!

BB Waite said...

You knew Sam's wasn't gonna do right! I tried to bouge it up by going to Whole Foods - just as irritating!

derek love said...

I got hoodwinked into going to the store for my mother, spent 3 hours going from place to place, got home and she complained about half the stuff I got. My tongue is hanging by a thread, I have bitten it so much in the last day and a half. What a brother is willing to do for turkey and dressing...

OneChele said...

How much do I love that ya'll have started using conjugations of "bouge" as verbs and adjectives - LOL!

Pure Choco said...

You haven't lived until you've gone to six stores looking for a specific dinner roll your grandmother has to live. The world as we now it ends if this dinner roll isn't found.

JD said...

Confession: I spent more on the after dinner liquor than the entire meal

Lady Loves Hats said...

Even worse, I was out there this morning. Elbowing folks from in front of the poultry display, standing in line at the honey-baked ham store... I'm ashamed and way behind schedule. 25 people descending tomorrow and hubby is using the vacuum as a footstool...

OneChele said...

Been there, done that! What can you say to Grammy besides "Sure, I'll try one more store"

diamond life said...

I cheated this year - got the whole thing catered. I will "re-spice" some things and then switch them to my containers. Diamond is tired and wants to sleep for the holidays.

Cassie said...

that's not cheating, that's just good sense. I got the meats catered, I'll handle the side dishes.

Hidi said...

I did my Thanksgiving shopping this past weekend; I don't like being in crowded stores; it makes me irritable. My sisters, mom and I are cooking turkey, mac and cheese, apple and pumpkin pies, potatoe salad, stuffing, etc. Also, my aunt is bringing a ham. I don't shop at warehouse mega stores that much, so my feelings are indifferent.

Happy Thanksgiving ! Onechele and all the commenters and I wish you guys a safe holiday weekend! :)


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