Dammit Walton Family. Yes you, Sam's Wholesale Club. You know I'm trying not to hate this week. But no! You don't wanna act right. You just couldn't make it easy on me. Last minute Thanksgiving shopping should not be a living nightmare. Okay sure, I should have bought this stuff over a week ago… Don't. Judge. Me. I'm not the issue here, it's your big concrete and steel warehouse full of nonsense that is the issue. So I have a few questions:
- Why is the parking lot hassle enough to make me wish I stayed home?
Pulling in and finding a spot should not be as difficult as winning the lottery though both feel pretty futile. Holiday parking should be a competitive sport covered by ESPN. The person to snag the spot closest to the door without injuring self or vehicle wins.
- Why is the Salvation Army chick so pushy?
Is it me or have the bell-ringers gone a little gangster? Sheesh! I understand it's for a good cause and all that but how do you know I haven't given at the last FIVE stores I went to looking for whole grain stuffing mix? I could be all tapped out and on my last dime and you are still going to laser beam side-eye me on the way in and shout out a snarky "Happy Holidays to you, ma'am" on my way out.
- Why is there a line just to get up in the door?
Dear Membership Card Checker Person, we both know you don't care if the picture on this card belongs to me or my dearly departed 97-year old Aunt Vi. As long as my card is approved at the end of the day, you gives a damn. So why you trippin' on the entrance. Just wave folks in and say "Welcome to Sam's", could you please?
- Why were people playing bumper cars with the carts, is it that crucial? Do we look like we are going to take the last can of cranberry sauce?
Apparently it was crucially important that two melanin-challenged people get in the door and to the cranberries prior to BougieSis and I. The dive-bombing was a bit much and the blatant swerve and cut-off was inexcusable. Calm down people, it's just jellied fruit.
- To the lady who looked insulted when we took the celery she was apparently coveting… what's wrong with your life that you are so focused on celery?
Seriously, first she stood angrily waiting while we debated the need for three bunches of celery. Then she gave us a nasty stank-eye when we selected the one package she apparently wanted to take home with her. You know what, if your stuffing isn't all that it can be because of your celery deficiency, feel free to blame it on the two bougie chicks who slowed you down for 45 seconds.
- Excuse me miss, I just overheard you say it's just you and your husband? What are you planning to do with 6 jumbo cans of super-sweet corn and 2 ten pound bags of brown sugar?
I don't really know what else to say about that except somewhere in the distance, some is putting SuperFreak on repeat. They giving thanks for real.
- What is the deal with the gallon size containers of anti-bacterial hand gel? [H1N1 fear is the truth!]
On our way to check out we noticed a towering display of gallon tanks of "germ-b-gone" or whatever they want to call it. Good Lord! If this was all it took to stay alive, don't you think we'd all be bathing in it morning and night? As our checkout girl shared, people have been catching colds and flus for years yet the human race is still here. [yeah, checkout chick went all existential on us]
- Why did we spend more on wine than we did on actual food? [priority FAIL]
We bee-lined straight to the wine section and spent more time and money there than anywhere else in the store. We must have weighed the merits of merlot vs. pinot noir for a good five minutes while the cart was crying out for some sort of poultry.
- We see you have moved all the "fun" toys to the front of the building, near the checkout lanes. Do not be slick. Are you trying to create family disturbances just for fun?
Kids became transfixed just as their parents were ready to get the heck out of Dodge. It's a recipe for tomfoolery and prologue to catching a CPS case. Not a good look, Sam's.
- Why is the receipt review lady perpetually pissy?
I would have to say that 85% of the time I shop at this Sam's the Jamaican woman at the exit door is salty. Her tartness was at an all time high today and she muttered to herself and walked in a staccato circle while reviewing the contents of the cart. "Have a nice day!" I said in a friendly tone as we began to push past her. If looks could kill, the forensic investigators would be fingerprinting the Sam's door right now.
Did you do your Thanksgiving shopping early or last minute? What's on the menu? Who's cooking? Does anyone share my love/hate relationship with warehouse megastores?