Dear Dude from Last Night,
It truly pains me to inform you of the following: I have submitted my evidence to the International Player-Player Association's (IPPA) membership advisory board. You will be receiving a certified letter later this week informing you that based on last night's wackness… your card is being revoked. Herewith. Immediately. Before you decide to appeal the decision (good luck with that), please review the infractions listed below:
- When you call less than an hour before a date and say, "Instead of going to the movies, why don't you come over and watch a movie?" why would you think a woman can't see through that? Any female over the age of 18 recognizes that. In the words of Riley Freeman (from the Boondocks), "Game recognize game and you looking kinda unfamiliar right now." #PlayerFail
- When you call a female on her way to meet you and say, "Just swing by and pick me up," and you own two cars (and this is following call from number 1), your transparency is bordering on pathetic. Why not just call up and ask for what you really want? That way said female can tell you "yea" or "nay" up front without all the subpar gamesmanship. #PlayerFail
- When you invite a woman into your home, it's not a good look to have your laptop open with a screensaver of random women in various stages of undress. Especially when I can recognize that most of the pictures were taken right in the room in which I was standing at that moment. #PlayerFail
- You invited a woman into your home and did not clean up from the last one? Why is her Victoria's Secret Miracle Bra hanging on the bathroom door handle? Don't even try it… I know it's not mine because 1) I have not removed a bra in your vicinity and 2) I need no miracle to enhance my girls. #PlayerFail
- Next time you pick a movie, why don't you double check the time it starts so we don't have to hover around the theater for a half hour waiting for it to start. Oooh, you never really planned for us to get to the theater… okay, I just got that. Still, you know what – tighten up your plan B. #PlayerFail
- Once you determine that your current date isn't going as planned, it's really poor protocol to commence texting and accessing your Facebook mobile app trolling for someone else to "close the deal" <--- yes, I saw you type that in. #PlayerFail
Presented with the evidence, the IPPA had no choice but to demand an immediate revocation of your player card and reset your Playa Status to: No Game At All. Your letter will include instructions on how to re-apply and upgrade your status. As for your application with OneChele for Potential Significant Other, I must report that you are no longer considered a viable candidate and we have decided to move forward with other more qualified applicants at this time. Also, we are unable to keep your application on file and you are not eligible to re-apply. We wish you success in your future endeavors.
P.S. Thanks for the movie and popcorn, 2012 was very entertaining. I felt the entire disaster movie theme was apropos. Deuces!