Quick: what is the male equivalent of jump-off? Side-piece? Other woman? Chick on the side? Yeah, there aren't any readily coming to mind. When you think of the term home-wrecker, do you think of a male or a female? Why does the scarlet letter get pinned on the woman and not the married dude? Why is that? Methinks I smell a double standard.
Let's just consider a few of the high profile cheatin'-ass-cheatin' stories of our time.
Jenn vs. Brangelina summary: Brad Pitt, ½ of a Hollywood "golden couple" goes off to film a shoot-em-up flick and loses his mind with the Lara Croft chick. They fake like they aren't doing each other until he can bail on his wife and now they are Super Philanthropist Couple of the Decade.
Vixen: Angelina
Victim: Jennifer
Villain: Brad
I am so baffled as to why Brad Pitt gets a cheater's pass because of the perception that he upgraded the mate. That's just tragic. Here's a man who took vows with one pretty good-looking woman, broke those and bailed to be with another good-looking woman. I hope he has taken a moment to apologize to Jennifer Aniston because I've never seen him show the slightest bit of remorse. Worse yet, popular culture appears to have deemed that "he who ends up with Angelina Jolie" wins. On the flipside, Jennifer is portrayed as some pitiable loser who can't hold on to men. Has anyone ever thought that she was so betrayed by Brad that she doesn't trust another of these entertainment fools with her heart? I wouldn't be surprised if she ended up going Julia Roberts (a whole other cheating story) married to some dude no one has ever heard of, living on a farm in the middle of nowhere.
On the third point of this triangle stands Angelina who had cultivated this "bad girl, I'll take your man" vibe from way back in the day. Wasn't she wearing Billy Bob's blood around her neck a minute ago? You think she forgot Brad had a wife? Did it bother her? It sure didn't stop her. Sure she was called a home-wrecking, husband-stealing tramp but then she adopted the next cast for a Colors of Benetton commercial, gave away a gang of money, spent time in Africa doing something charitable and now all is forgiven. She and her man are the toast of Hollywood. Moral: If you're going to steal someone's man, be prepared to go Mother Theresa for a year or two after. Oh, it also doesn't hurt if you're hot and look really good in all black and 4-inch stilettos.
Meg-Dennis-Russell summary: Meg Ryan, formally America's Sweetheart, went Down Under to shoot a (bad) suspense film and lost her mind after getting a taste of the Gladiator dude. They fake like they aren't doing each other until they were outed by the tabloids and D.Quaid said, "Eff this, I'm going to get me a Texas girl." Dennis is re-married, Russell is married, Meg is still single.
Vixen: Russell
Victim: Meg, Dennis, Meg and Dennis' son (but mostly Meg)
Villain: Russell
Russell Crowe appears to be such a flaming a-hole that even breaking up the ten-year marriage of America's Sweetheart and Remy McSwain (If you haven't seen the Big Easy, shame on you) doesn't harm his reputation. He clutched Meg's hand for a minute or two (so it wouldn't look like a complete on set fling) and bailed at the earliest opportunity. You think he forgot that Meg had a husband? Did it bother him? It sure didn't stop him. He was on to the next and throwing punches at random photographers in new time flat.
Meg did not fare so well. The news outlets made it sound like Meg was a weak-willed, whipped woman willing to toss away her life as she knew it for a renowned bad boy. And that whole "sweetheart" thing was out the window. She made a very disturbing movie (in the Cut) and hasn't really regained her movie star stature since. On the third point of this triangle stands Dennis, who came across completely shell-shocked. There were so many pictures of Dennis with a WTF-just-happened look on his face that I had to feel bad for him. He rebounded and married a Texas girl (should've done that to begin with) and his re-emergence as a big budget picture dude was sealed by the success of G.I. Joe this summer. Moral: If you are going to cheat on your husband, don't do it with one of the biggest celebrities on the planet and oh, don't get caught.
Mashonda-Swizz-Alicia summary: Already so over this story but it fits my theme so here we go... Super Producer Swizz Beatz meets superstar Alicia Keys and they decide they can make beautiful music together in more than one way. They fake (not very well) like they aren't doing each other until confronted by his wife (and mother of a child born in 2007) R&B singer/model Mashonda. Now Swizz and Alicia are officially a couple and everyone's waiting on his remix of her hit song Karma (which she should really go back and listen to).
Vixen: Alicia
Victim: Mashonda and child
Villain: Swizz
Apparently, the affair between Alicia and Swizz was a "known" secret in the black music community for months. Let's cut to the chase, no one considers not working with Swizz or buying Alicia's new album. AGAIN, I am so baffled as to why Swizz gets a cheater's pass because of the perception that he upgraded the mate. That's just tragic. Here's a man who took vows with one pretty good-looking woman, broke those and bailed to be with another good-looking woman. He has shown a wee bit of remorse (I didn't make my relationship with Alicia public out of respect for my wife)… classy. But then he pens Drake's unfortunate tune, Best I ever Had and infers that it's a tribute to AK… tacky. The situation continues its tacky twists as Alicia has been tweeting about herself and Swizz and their love. She hasn't shown an iota of regret for her contribution to a marriage's dissolution. You think she forgot he was married? Did it bother her? It sure didn't stop her. Yeah, yeah bloggers are calling her a tramp on one hand while vowing to buy up her next CD when it drops.
On the third point of this triangle stands Mashonda, best known for singing hooks on songs by Eve, Cassidy and Mya. However, all the Alicia Keys tweeting prompted Mashonda to fire back a public letter to Alicia, calling her a home-wrecker and all level of incorrect. This woman is literally battling for old boy to pay the light bills and has to see her husband's mistress tweeting about how happy they are? All the drama has netted her a few interviews and I understand she has a new album coming though her first solo album was greeted with poor sales in the US. Be that as it may, she is facing single-motherhood and daunting task of dating with her entire history in the streets. Moral to the story: If you're going to steal another woman's husband, make sure you are more famous than her and have sung a lot of female-empowerment tunes. Also, it doesn't hurt if you're hot and can rock a mean fedora.
All of this to say, the woman always takes the hit for these things, one way or the other. Do you feel bad for Elliot Spitzer or do we all remember the numb wife looking like a deer in the headlights behind him? Elizabeth Edwards, Mrs. Sanford, Hillary Clinton, I could go on for days. They have to spend the rest of their lives with people wondering what they did to "make" their husbands cheat and how they are so brave to pick up the pieces and keep living. The mistresses get a book deal and the talk show circuit, the husbands say mea culpa and get a slap on the wrist.
Point of fact, in these triangles there are two people who took vows and one who broke them. There are at two people at fault, sometimes all three. But the finger pointing should start with the blatant vow-breaker in my opinion.
Okay BougieLand, whatcha got? Can anyone tell me that there's no double standard in infidelity? Doesn't it seem as though the man always gets off easy whether he's the cheater or the cheatee? Can anyone actually "steal" your s.o.? Or don't they consciously make the decision to cheat? And can we make that word "jump-off" go away?
33 comments:
Oh you saved the best for last! This is a great post. The one with the ring who choses to cheat deserves the ass-kicking. Period.
Interesting points. I think the married person who cheats and the person who agrees to cheat with them are equally at fault though for some reason, the other woman gets the Scarlet A.
Alicia was foul and Swizz needs to break Mashonda off HUGE sums of $$$
I think you're a little off base on this one. The men suffer plenty, just because you don't see it doesn't mean it's not there. The decision to leave your family cannot be easy.
see now, I was trying to wait until lunch to get up in this one but Rob has to be checked. "The decision to leave your family cannot be easy"... NO SON, the decision to lay down with SOMEONE WHO IS NOT YOUR WIFE should not be easy.
You are so wrong about the Quaid/Ryan/Crowe triangle. Quaid cheated on Ryan for YEARS while they were married. In fact rumors aplenty he has cheated on that new wife too. Quaid was and is the villain there. As for his career: in case you missed it it's in the toilet with a string of really really bad roles and flops.
This just shows how wrong people are when they believe the tabloids.
I would have to agree, no one "steals" your man - he walks. And yes, there is a clear double standard.
Sweetie, I don't read tabloids - that's not bougie. I did actually do a little research. Your source of information would be?
Like you said, there are usually at least two people wrong in the triangle, possibly three. Everybody should catch a little hell. Then again, that won't stop from getting Swizz' next drop, or Alicia.
I have been both the girl who was cheated on and the girl he cheated with, I caught wreck both ways. Best look all the way around is to keep it monogamous unless you have a standing agreement for something else.
I don't know, Chele - some of these women out here deliberately target married men and their plan is to seek and destroy.
true but no one is forcing these folks to cheat. contrary to popular opinion these is actual time enough before engaging in the act to think... is this a good idea? just. say. no.
Love the topic but can you not sympathize at all for the mistress/other woman? Though she is wrong, she is in a tough situation especially if there are feelings involved.
I have sympathy for everyone in these situations, dancing on the end of a triangle in an uncomfortable place no matter which point you're stuck on.
Guess who's back. Lookie here, men are going do whatever they can get away with. If that means taking a man's woman, getting some on the side, dating four at once, if he thinks he can do it without losing too much, he's gonna try. What Kanye say - who's gonna check me, boo?
Whew - I see Riley is keeping it classy. Not rising to the bait. I get that you used these celeb relationships cuz it's easier to make a point but celeb relationship are kinda doomed from jump IMHO. Now in my personal experience, the woman who cheats on her man catches a ton of hell. Sadly, it's not even surprising when a man cheats anymore. everyone kinda nods sadly as if it was expected.
The notion that a person who cheats is trying to get something they don't get at home misses the mark on so many levels. Opportunity, boredom, circumstance, greed, selfishness and genuinely falling for someone else play a larger role more often than people would think. As I counsel couples, the number one question I get from the person who has been cheated on is, "What did I do wrong?" Often the answer is nothing. No one really wins in this situation. Even if you take the example of Brad and Angelina, when your happiness comes at the expense of another that specter always hangs over the relationship. You can bet Angelina will be on set if Brad shoots a film with whoever the next generation's steamy starlet is. And Brad might want to watch his back if she films with the latest hardbody. Sorry I ran long, this one got to me a little bit.
Just one man's opinion: I think it is intrinsically harder for men to accept when their women cheat on them. Like or not, we consider you to be the kinder, gentler, more evolved sex. An unexpected betrayal always cuts deeper.
I always seem to end up on the wrong side of this triangle. :-( Like you say, I gotta get a better class of fella.
Okay Ms. Chele-Bougie, I bought some pink power sticker, the limited edition BnB Halloween shirt and you got me with the fudge ad too. Came to read, spent $50!
As to the cheating of it all, girl this ain't changed since Hester Prynne days - never will.
Thank you kindly for supporting the bouge. BTW, anyone who doesn't take the Hester Prynn reference - shame on your 8th grade English teacher.
Great point, thanks
Brilliant as always
read the book - everything I needed to know I learned in kindergarten? Well here goes: Cheaters never win and winners never cheat
@Onechele - I've been cheated on and I've been the cheater. I felt worse when I did it 9and got caught) since I knew how it felt to be in the other seat. But we're human, we fall, we fail, we judge, we get up and go on.
Let's be real, people cheat when they let another body part take over for their brain. Might be heart, usually further south. It's like justifiable homicide, someone is still dead and you can't take it back.
I like the analogy, gonna use it - thanks
Man, late to the party again. I don't have anything different to add really but I will say that Cole was on point.
It would seem by your examples that one could avoid the Hester Pryne label by making sure one upgrades.
I've heard Black woman who were amazed that L.L. or Denzel hadn't left their wives yet.
It eems that the upgrade is expected.
Meg Ryan got the short end of the stick. She lost her husband, her man on the side and her career. Alician Keys......I'm shocked!!! And she seemed like such a.....wait a minute....lets be real...any chick that plays old dirty bastard songs on a piano can't be all that wholesome.
I call bullshiggety. A person, I REPEAT, a person cannot be stolen. They have to want to go, and, if they do, then let them. I do not claim to know what happened with Jen/Brad/Angelina, but, I do believe there is much more to the story than the 2 people who were married to each other have told.
Case and point: Aniston has said many times that she plans on having children, even said after the divorce that it would happen within a year. It's been almost 5 years, does she have any? Now, does Brad have any? I don't think Jennifer is a victim at all. (For the record, Angelina adopted Maddox 3 years BEFORE she met Brad, and the adoption for Zahara had been approved before they got together, as she had already planned to adopt children.)
As for the rest, well, I haven't been following their stories.
"Quick: what is the male equivalent of jump-off? Side-piece? Other woman? Chick on the side?"
Answer - The dorky guy who listens to all her problems and lets her cry on his shoulder - her emotional-waste sponge. The guy who pushes up an a woman who's taken adn wastes tons of money wining and dining her in the process. Neither one of those guys is in the right and they both get clowned and excoriated by all of society, as a result.
Wasn't Will Smith married when he hooked up with Jada Pinkett or am I mistaken?
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