Monday, October 19, 2009

WBFDD: Risk our lives unnecessarily

I know the picture makes no sense but read on and all will be revealed. In this installment of What Bougie Folks Don't Do, allow me to present three cases where Bougie Folks are nowhere (and won't be anywhere) to be found.

  1. Hang out with angry large wild animals: Okay, small OneChele confession: I love shows where people are in terrible peril but cheat death. Poor BougieSis has listened to me rant on and on about episodes of I Survived on the Biography Channel. Each week they profile two of three stories of people who managed to beat the odds and come out of super scary situations with their lives. So one day in the middle of an I Survived Marathon, they played a promo for a new show called I'm Alive on the Animal Planet channel. For some reason, I did not make the connection that a show produced on Animal Planet would involve all sort of deadly species of critter. Anyway, I watched the first three episodes and laughed until I literally fell off the bed. I'm sure it wasn't meant to be funny. But when you start a story, "Young man decides to visit wild elephants in China." Or, "Family receives shark warning but enters ocean anyway." Or my newest favorite, "Rugby player takes girlfriend out to lion reserve." Okay see? Right then, I knew were not dealing with bougie folks. This dude decided to get a closer look at the lions and thought it was cute that the lion was pacing alongside the gate with them. The lion paused in a certain spot so the rugby dude paused too, sat down, and extended his legs toward the lion… like his foot is six inches away from the King of the Jungle nothing but a wire and post division them. The lion sat down too. The human and the lion stare into each other's eyes for a second. The lion never blinked. Half a minute later, the lion had reached through the fence (lion knew it was broken, human did not), grabbed old boy by the legs and dragged him into the enclosure. Now Mufasa and two of his pals commenced to snacking on rugby dude's legs like well, a drumstick. The other lion was preparing to sit on his head. Long story short, two of the lions reared up to fight each other over who would get the kill and the third lion lifted up when the game warden fired off a round. Rugby dude gets up, hobbled to the gate and managed to get out. Three inches of muscle have to be cut away from his leg, six skin grafts and numerous other dramatic medical ordeals ensued. All's well that ends well – dude is playing rugby for his national team three years later. BougiePoint: Nature looks lovely from a distance. This is what zoos and the Discovery Channel are for.

  2. Sit in tiny "sweat lodges" with 50 strangers: Some little dude in Arizona runs a "Spiritual Warrior" week-long class for which he charges $9,000 a week (or more). <- - - Grand Hu$tle Award. Anyway, by shelling out your bucks and listening to what Reverend Ray (I can't MAKE this sh!t up) has to say, you are on your way to a new level of financial success and spiritual enlightenment. The highlight of the week involves cramming into a makeshift steam room type of contraption with all the other suckers worshippers to purge oneself of the past and experience a religious awakening. Too bad his last awakening resulted in three people dying (D-E-A-D, ya'll) and eighteen people being hospitalized. Umm? Hydration? Temperature? Fire marshall codes? Anyone, anyone? Reports vary but say that the sweat lodge is about 415 sq ft and the participants spend over three hours in there. A bunch of flesh pressed together for hours with heat? Isn't that just a big old human crock pot? Seriously now add a few veggies, rosemary and some chicken broth, we're halfway to stew. Anyway, this man has been all up on Oprah (hard side-eye) and on bestsellers lists hawking his stuff. NOW that folks are dead and whatnot, he's under investigation and people are coming out of the woodwork calling him a charlatan. BougiePoint: I don't even get in a hot tub with more than a few folks I don't know. Why the heckity-heck would I pay $10k to smush into a big old steam room with strangers? No. Thank. You.

  3. Build homemade flying apparatus: I thought the entire Balloon Boy story was shady from jump. But my first question when the story broke was not how did the kid get in there (even though he wasn't)? My first question was – who the hell builds a homemade flying machine? This is what we in the BougieFam call a for-who-for-whatter?! As I watched the thing that most closely resembled a giant floating Jiffy Pop container than anything else whizzing through the sky, I could not help but think – who does this? You will not catch bougie folks tinkering away at gravity defying machines unless we are scientists/engineers in a lab, getting paid to do so. And no, building model or paper or remote control airplanes doesn't count. Toys = good, crap people could climb in and crash to earth = no bueno. My next thought was – who's going to pay for this? The whole story was such a BougieFail my siddity mother said, "They all need their asses whipped!" BougieMom curses about once every two years. The Balloon People brought it out. She also went on a rant about how if this had been a black family, everybody would be in jail. She finally had to go "put her feet up" because the whole situation was just "too silly for words." BougiePoint: What BougieMom said… so there.

And this is just from the last week, ya'll! So tell me, agree or disagree? Ya'll hanging out in the Serengeti with no tracker, no bullets, no sense? Ha! Whatcha think about Reverend Ray? And can we all agree to lift up our pimp hands and slap the hell out of the BalloonFam for putting that mess on TV when we could have been watching live coverage of Obama in NOLA? Any others to add to the list for this time?

24 comments:

GrownAzzMan said...

I know I am way late on this but I was working er spending some time in the Bougie Archives and ran across this one. Let me just say I howled through the entire post. This reads like the nominee list for the Darwin Awards. ROFLMBAO!

OneChele said...

Ha! Speak True!

AppleBerryMIA said...

Another thing bougie folks don't do: eat strange foods from strange places. In NYC not too long ago, strong side-eye to some of the "indian food" carts. What Pookie and dem know bout curry? In your words: no.thank.you!

thinklikeRiley said...

I saw that ish on Animal planet. I caught the one with the fool in the ocean. Someone had just called old girl and told her another kid got killed the day before. But dey asses just had to try jaws anyway... um, um, um.

BB Waite said...

I know that I'm Alive wasn't supposed to be funny but did you see the one with the family who had the after wedding ceremony in the South African game reserve? With the jaguar attacking? I had to giggle a little bit.

OneChele said...

Yes, I did. Old boy was cooking stew out in the open and big cat was like... I would like some too please and why don't I use your head as an appetizer. Yup, Bougie Folks don't spend their wedding night in the middle of Wild Kingdom.

OneChele said...

A lot of those NYC carts are suspect girl.

Violet Rose said...

Steam room yes, sweat lodge - not with 50 strangers... So funny.

troy said...

"that's what zoos and the Discovery channel are for" - TRUTH! If rugby guy watched a discovery channel special he would have realized that the lion was stalking him in the most classic way. Led him exactly to where he wanted him and waited for his moment. That's classic Nat Geo! (which is as close as I'm getting)

OneChele said...

Okay, one BougieLapse in judgment. Tell her all is forgiven.... ONCE! Next time she risks suspension of her BougiePass. Damn the Lion King jacked us up!

Sasha Stiletto said...

LMAO - that darn Mufasa, making lions seem all friendly and sh!t. Ha! I was talked into a safari, very upscale and bougie until the rhinos got mad and commenced to charging our expensive-ass tents. Running for my life towards the logde in my Banana Republic gear kinda took the shine off the experience.

Reads4Pleasure said...

I have to confess that my bougie cousin, in a momentary lapse of common sense, stood in front of a pride of lions in South Africa, singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight", "I Just Can't Wait to be King" and "Can You Feel the Love Tonight" while separated by an itty bitty fence. Her aunt and I both gave her a wtf when she posted video of it on her Facebook page.

ASmith said...

Cuddle up with large animals? Hell no.
Build flying things? Absolutely not.

But... sweat lodge? ::sigh::

Chele, stop making me admit to stuff.

I've done sweat lodges. Twice. Both times in high school. I passed out after the first one (you MUST drink water) and the second one went just as it was supposed to. I participated, both times, out of respect for the Native Americans we were working with (longer story on exactly what I was doing there) but there was no money exchanged or promises of fame and fortune or any of the other crazy stuff that goes along with that story.

Foxy Brown said...

i think you might be about to pull my bougie card. ok so when i was in morocco, i ate all kinds of strange foods from strange carts. yes, i did. and i gotta admit, it was great. would do it again in a heartbeat. also while in morocco, i went to a public bath. yes, public bath. it was absolutely great. there were all manner of ladies in there. it was so relaxing. also while in belize, i went on a jungle hike. we went looking for wild animals. our guide was armed with a machete. and nothing else. also in belize, we went swimming with sharks and stingrays. way cool.

OneChele said...

Well when in Morocco... but the shark swimming? Girl I got to suspend your BougiePass for a minute. LOL! Woo! Daredevil bouge! Go head girl

BrendaKay said...

That was absolutely hilarious OneChele - a great way to start off the week.

My addition to the WBFDD list is - traveling to dangerous countries where Americans are Enemy Number UNO! Example: the 3 American hikers who are being held in Iran. When I think of relaxing, beautiful place to go in the world, Iran isn't even in my top 100.

LikeLena said...

I swam with dolphins once and flipper was all hot-n-bothered, started bumping and grinding... that was it for me and the wildlife. SeaWorld will do!

Liselle said...

Okay yes, none of this. Here's another: when they tell Bougie People to evacuate - we are OUT. We don't wait to see if they really mean it or the situation might improve - we go. Tornadoes, hurricanes, mudslides, we out!

Andrea M said...

Woo-hoo, got my disqus login - very easy, thanks!When I was in China, I flat out quit asking what the hell I was eating. I just doused everything in soy sauce and sent up a prayer. One of my co-workers wanted me to go those damn wild elephants but one I found out they just out there roaming free like no barriers or fences?! The hell I look like?!

JaymeC said...

What with the spiritual guru? I had never heard of him! Read some things on sweat lodges and usually if you're hydrated and out of there in time, no issues. Three hours seems excessive. Yes, all in all - none of these are things I would do. Also, buy meat ojf the street. Some guy was selling "bargain" meats out of a cooler in his trunk on the church parking lot yesterday. Umm - I don't think so!

Shida said...

Great post to start out the week. It's both hilarious and true. On the sweat lodge tip, my hubby is Native American but I haven't tried the sweat lodge. I would do it with his family on the reservation out of respect and wouldn't doubt that they would make sure that I was okay. It's like this: if I am craving Chinese and I don't see Chinese folks cooking when I walk into my takeout joint, I can't expect the food to be yum-alicious! I would not pay a dude who looks like a game show host to give me a sweat bath. Double Fail! LOL

diamond life said...

Ha! I didn't understand the flying Jiffy Pop either. Sad what folks will do for attention these days! I've also noticed that Bougie Folks (TRUE Bougie Folks) do not tend to get on reality shows like Wife Swap and the like

Kiki said...

CoSign Brenda - I had an offer to go work for ten months in Pakistan. They offered to triple my salary. I said great but I can't spend it when I'm dead!

Foxy Brown said...

oh yea, i forgot to mention while in germany, me and some friend did flug tag. that's where you make, yes make, homemade flying devices. you go up on a cliff. you get a push. and you fly off the cliff (well that's what's supposed to happen) but eventually you just land in the water below. major fun. it's been nice knowing ya bougieland. lol.

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