3.5 hours in my life: When “not my finest moment” meets “I totally rock”

The day was a little crazy. I went to bed late thanks to Cyber-Stalker Captain Crazy. I woke up early because someone was coming to repair the short in the garage overhead light and said they were coming "first thing in the morning". So on my five hours of sleep, I twirled twice in the shower, stumbled around waiting on coffee and trying not to set myself aflame while fixing breakfast. I yanked on an unfortunate assortment of yoga gear and was waiting for the repair dude. By noon, I was ticked off, tired and tart. Having an errand list a mile long, I bailed and left BougieMom to deal with it.

Okay, let me set the scene. My hair… could use soap and water. It has reached that "please condition me!" point where it just kinda hangs around my head like "you KNOW you see me, heifer!" Thing is, my hair appointment is tomorrow SO (I reasoned with myself) why should I spend a bunch of time on it when super-stylist is gonna hook it up in the morning? I also was kinda back-sliding on the beauty regime since I was really just zipping in and out of places. I had splashed my face with water and slathered on some Carmex for the lips. With this look (matched with my mismatched yoga gear), I rolled out.

The gas station was no problem. No one paid attention and no one cared. My P.O. Box started off so well. I retrieved a couple of packages, bought some stamps and then prepared to mail out some promotional copies of my book to various folks around the nation. Turning with the stack of padded book envelopes in my hand, I did NOT remember that I left one of my packages on the ground. I promptly tripped over the package tried to catch myself on the countertop (missed) and ended up falling backwards (cursing indelicately the whole way down).

As I lay sprawled on the floor of the UPS store, the 200 various items in my purse strewn hither, thither, and yon; I heard a male voice. "Hey haven't we met?" I looked up to see a very attractive man, who happened to be an acquaintance of my ex "Gene" and rather well-known around Dallas staring down at me. He extended a hand to help me up. What was a girl to do? I lied, "Oh, I don't think so." I took his hand and rose far less gracefully than I would have liked to. "Thanks." I gave the store clerk a pleading HELP ME look and he came around to help me pick up my stuff. Lipsticks, sinus sprays, antibacterial gel, the last two weeks' receipts, three pairs of sunglasses and all manner of my good times were splayed out on the ground for all to see. I finally pulled myself together and turned back towards the counter only to slip on a ball point pen and almost end up ass-over-tea-kettle again. Bringin' the classy.

Cheeks now flaming, I slapped the packages on the counter and say, "I need to send these book rate." The clerk smirked, "Sure Michele, give me a second."

"Michele! That's right! I knew I knew you! Is Gene around?" He searched the store like Gene might have fallen out the damn purse with everything else. When he didn't see him, he looked back at me. And he was giving me the manly-man once-over (from top of head to tips of toes and back up again) CLEARLY wondering what in the he!! Gene ever saw in me.

"Um, no. I haven't talked to him in a while." I handed the clerk my credit card while Mr. Man looked at me nodding like, "I'm sure you haven't."

The other customer in the store tapped me on the shoulder and said, "Ma'am… is this yours?" Wait for it… yep, a small box of Tampax that I had shoved in my purse (planning to zip it into a cosmetic case) just all out in the open. I winced at being called 'ma'am' and snatched the box from him muttering thanks under my breath. Every eye in store was on me. Such a proud moment.

"So uh, how have you been doing?" I asked him. Now I was fidgety tucking my hair behind my ears while we continued the painfully polite small talk. The clerk wasn't even pretending to work, just standing there watching the mini-soap opera unfold. I leaned over and snatched the charge slip, signed it and stepped back (CAREFULLY) to retrieve my packages. "Okay then, you take care, great to see you!" I called out as I made my escape. Dammit! Yes, I tripped off the curb just trying to get to the car and had to grab my side view mirror to stop myself from falling out again. To answer your unspoken question, no – I'm not normally that clumsy. About twice a year I will fall down everything with the slightest bit of a slant for no other reason than I am top heavy with tiny ankles and gravity hates me. Moving on.

I got in the car and looked up; he was staring out the window at me with his iPhone to his ear. I slid on the huge sunglasses even though there was only one sliver of sun in the sky. For vanity's sake, I slid on some lipstick (too little, too late?). Well, at least he hadn't videotaped the whole thing. I could no doubt become a YouTube sensation with that performance.

I rolled through my errands and was wrapping up the shopping at Sam's when my cell rung. My agent called, there may be a movie producer interested in optioning my book, did I want to take a meeting? DO I WANT TO TAKE A MEETING!? Does Sarah Palin eat moose stew? Heckie Yea!

So I was doing the happy dance through the rest of my shopping when my new potential S.O. rang up: How was your day? I shared the book news first and then I embarked on my UPS Store misadventure. God bless him, he listened to every word, even as I steered really close to whining with, "I made a complete and utter idiot of myself!" Silence for a second and then he said, "I'm sure you're over-exaggerating. You are always beautiful no matter what you're wearing or your hair is doing. You carry yourself with such class, I'm sure you even fell out gracefully." [First of all, NOT! Second: Blogger's admission: he has yet to see me without makeup or perfect outfits, so he knows not of which he speaks.] "Ah girl, he was probably trying to figure out if he could run up on you himself." Don't you love when they are still required to be sweet?

By the time I got home, the garage had been fixed and my most worrisome thought was what to fix for dinner. Two texts back to back – one from agent setting date for meeting, one from potential S.O. just to let me know someone was thinking about me. [Aww] All was right in my little world. Of course, half an hour later, the comments section on the blog crashed and DirecTV said that due to a billing glitch, I owed them $428… but in that moment as I prepped parmesan-crusted tilapia and asparagus (only the best for BougieMom), I had no complaints (and I was upright!)

Ever had a OneChele UPS Store moment – where nothing went right and you just wanted to press rewind or fast forward? Do share… it's only fair.