Friday, September 25, 2009

Three Men and a Bougie Chick (part II)


After the reaction to Part One this week, I roll this out with much interest. Citizen Ojo, SBM, TMCY and I acutally answered three letters but since the last post was so long, I decided to split this one off. As a reminder, guest posting are:

Our last letter came from Darren of the DMV (This stands for DC/Maryland/Virginia for those lost in BougieLand – keep up!)

OneChele,

You seem to know more than the average girl of a "certain age" about relationships and what it takes to get and please a man. So I'm writing in to see if you can make sense of my current situation. I'm doing my thing, 28, great job, saving up for real estate, keeping myself together. I'm told I'm a catch and modesty aside, I think it's true. About four months ago, I met a girl (kinda siddity but pretty) at a restaurant by the Waterfront. We hit it off and started hanging out. It's all going as I expected until we were about ninety days in. She tells me that she's scared to get hurt, she needs to back off, we need to stop "being intimate" so she can get her head together. When I pressed her on it, she said maybe we should take a break. Is that woman code for she's done? My instinct is to press forward because I know she's feeling me. But then again, I don't want to come off insensitive to her feelings. And now, I admit to being a little angry and wondering if I'm being played. What do you think and why do women do this?

From Ojo: Darren from BougieLand: Are all the women in DC/Southern Maryland/Northern Virginia siddity? I digress……. I was with a woman one time that did the exact same thing. The Sex was AMAZING but the chick was crazier than Bat #$%@! Do yourself a favor and lose her number. If you pursue a relationship with her you are asking for trouble. Instead of being in a relationship you will spend your days playing a psychiatrist. You can't compete against a person's worst fears. No matter how hard you try you will always be fighting against the issues of the last relationship. Women like this have been hurt by guys throughout their whole dating lives. I believe in the concept that every bad relationship leaves some type of emotional baggage. The more relationships you have the more baggage you pick up. Sometimes when you meet a person they have a carry-on bag and other times it's a complete luggage set. Your lady friend is probably keeping her baggage in a U-Haul truck. Please remember that this is not your fault. It's the fault of the last dude that was with her.

From SBM: My man Darren, A brother from the DMV ... so refreshing. Anyway, it's either one of two things. She finally came to the conclusion "I can't be smashing off this guy and we aren't together". I mean ... after 90 days of sex, it's not really surprising that she might actually want more from you than dates and dick (the D&D combo). As a result of some personal reflection (read: talking to her homegirl) she had to pull back the good's because she is feeling you and you haven't made a commitment.

I don't think you should "back down" really. If she is serious about being scared to get hurt and whatnot, she is really testing you to step it up. She wants you to prove she has nothing to worry about and that you want more than to just break her back. But please please please don't turn into some type of stalker or guy who can't take a hint. The DMV is small.

If all that doesn't work ... hit me up ... we'll hit up "The Park" (a DC club).

From TMCY: Darren, Based off of what you've said, I think that there's something Waterfront Girl doesn't like about you or something she likes more about someone else. What that is, I'm not sure of. But based on what you said, I wouldn't be surprised if it has to do with what you're doing or not doing for her in the bedroom. She said she wanted to stop the intimacy thing before she wanted to "take a break, period" right? That's a sign. She just doesn't want to have to tell you what it is specifically. So she copped to ending things on her terms. That's something a lot of men and women do. If I were you, I'd lament the situation some, but not too much. If you're the kind of catch that you say you are, finding a good woman shouldn't be much of a problem for you.

Last but not least from OneChele: I'm conflicted about you calling me "of a certain age" but we'll move on. Darren, you are 90 days in but have you had the "history" conversation? Chances are you did something that triggered a memory of someone else not so good. (We call this a "U Remind Me" moment). Ask her about it. And then LISTEN. Is she trapped in her past, too hurt to move forward, sounding like she pulled a Jazmine Sullivan, mention being medicated? If she's that wounded and you're not in a Mr. Fix-it mode just walk away. But if she's just hesitant and waiting on you to show her that you're not THAT GUY, she'll probably be okay. This, Darren, is a MAN UP moment. By the way, when a woman tells you she needs to "stop being intimate so she can get her head together," you are doing something mighty right or mighty wrong in that department. That is girl code for "trying not to act whipped and need to catch my breath long enough to think with my head and not my hormones." Or "I can't stand it if he touches me again." If you think about your "encounters" you'll know which one it is.

So ultimately, my advice is this: Try and talk about it, then give it a little time and a little space. Trust, she won't let you go too far for too long. Patience, Darren. Women do this cause we have truckloads of thoughts and emotions and sometimes need to figure out what to do with them all. Now you have a choice, you can be the next guy she sits up drinking with her friends talking about what an insensitive S.O.B. you were or you can be that guy that she tells her friends, "I forgot it could be like this." Think on it.

P.S. If it doesn't work out with Siddity 'n Pretty, I'm passing out your email address to some of my DMV chicks in BougieLand, they'll appreciate ya.

What have you got for Darren? Are we reading his situation correctly? Comment as you will.

22 comments:

SpitGameSpeakTruth said...

Ojo is right - just run from this woman. Someone did her wrong and you don't need to pay for it.

AllHoney said...

I think if a woman asks for time, give her a little time. Then come back around and if she's still not into it walk away. You liked her enough to write this letter, like her enough to give her a minute.

ThinkLikeRiley said...

Darren - if you are trying to do more than smash and sprint then yeah, I agree with SBM and OneChele - she's looking for you to step up. Otherwise, you got what you came for - be out.

PrettyGirlTwentyPearls said...

Although I find it hard to believe I actually agree with SBM 100% ( yes I read your blog everyday and you usually piss me off but i'm still addicted-lol anyway I dgress) But I don't think the issue has anything at all to do with being crazy or past hurts. I just think that at a certain point in a relationship -(90 days), people (women) start thinking ok what am I getting out of this situation, what are his actions telling me. And if all you are giving her is a dinner, movie and a ride on the disco stick then yeah she is waiting for you to step it up and come better. And by saying she wants to take a break, she is waiting to see if you are going to easily let her go or put in a litle effort. As OneChele said, this is  your "Man Up" moment, honestly asses your intentions and what you want, and step up or keep it moving.

CaliGirl said...

Pretty- I thought it was just me! I read SBM but he can sometimes be SO delusional, I have to run over here for some OneChele common sense. And yes, Darren - rediscover your cajones and do the right thing.

Andrea M said...

"Scared to get hurt" means scared to get hurt AGAIN. Chances are she likes you and is attracted to you but doesn't trust you.

Bailey Quincy said...

Let me go ahead and ask, when is the next relationship week?! SO much fun. I'm confused by Darren's question. She asked for time, why can't you take it as face value? I know they say women are complicated but sometimes it seems as though men look for more than is there

Guest said...

I got this same speech from a woman and it turned out she was seeing someone else and trying to figure out how to keep us both so... I'd tell D to walk away and let her come back to him 

deelish said...

SBM can be hard on the ladies so I'm surprised to see that he had a balanced response. Anyway agree and cosign though I think OneChele is dead right - Man Up!

Troy said...

I'm going with Ojo and TMCY - you obviously have no worries about finding some one else (better), onto da next!

Kiki said...

Boo, Troy! darren sounds like he has feelings the woman (beyond the sex if you can imagine) - why not pursue it to the best of his ability?

DatdudeinCali said...

I think he should hit old girl with the hard press. Sounds like a test, she checking to see if he's in it for real

Saranosmile said...

IMHO when a girl says let me breathe for a second, she's overwhelmed by her emotion (or his d! game) and needs to make sure she's not getting played. Once she's reassured she'll probably be all in. If not, I'll be waiting for OneChele to pass along the email. 

SBChitownChick said...

A letter from a single black man, employed and articulate - where he been? J/K - cool! LMAO with Darren calling OneChele "a certain age" - is that anyone over 30? :)  Ojo - no all DMV girls aren't crazy and siddity but then again, I live in Chicago! Ninety days in you should know if she's crazy or wishy-washy unless all you've done in ninety days is bump-n-grind. What SBM called it (the D&D combo). Time to bring your A game, Darren if you want to keep her around.

SBChitownChick said...

Ladies play nice, let's keep SBM around and grow him up right. Still a young pup with the 20-something "I know of what I speak" vibe. 

CurlySue said...

What ya'll know about the DMV? Hmm? I don't know if she's playing game (this is what I think tests are) or really done. Your decision is to hang in and take another shot or walk away. Depends on how deep the feelings run on both sides. Either way good luck

CurlySue said...

SBChi - have you seen some of the SBM posts though? Wow ninja, ease up already. Whew!

RiPPa said...

I'm sorry, but Darren sounds like a lame. I mean that's what I think after reading his letter. He strikes me as one of those guys without a clue. You know, the ones who calls a woman at 10pm for some ass but ends up talking about his mom's special peach cobbler? Don't front ladies, you know the type. Yeah, well that's Darren. Darren if you're reading this get on your knees and thank God that she let you hang around for 90 days. As a matter of fact, I'm willing to bet that Darren went that long without even getting any from her. If you did Darren, well buddy, that's your fault. Don't worry, you're 28yrs old; nothing that a good porn flick and a bottle of lotion can't handle. Seriously Darren, if you gotta ask if this was her way of dumping your ass, you need help bruh - who cares if you consider yourself a catch. She ain't scared to get hurt. She afraid that you might slit your wrist if she tells you the truth.

Kayla said...

Rip - what? You got all that from Darren's paragraph? Bitter much?

OneChele said...

You all will be glad to know that "Darren" read this today and emailed me. I'll post his response at some point. Meanwhile relationship week has been enlightening, thanks for the great participation.

BrnEPanther said...

I must admit that I agree with SBM and OneChele. Either she's expecting more and dissatisfied with what you're offering or you've done something to offend her or make her remember an unpleasant part of her past and she doesn't know how to communicate this to you. Either way you both need to communicate. The only way to resolve this, if there is the possibility of a relationship, or anything else is to ensure that the communication channel is always open and honest.

I wouldn't completely throw away the possible opportunity to be with this woman, especially if you're not sure what the actual issue is, as you may have the ability to fix it. Hope everything works out.

On a random note, all DMV women are not siddity. TYVM.

uglyblackjohn said...

If Darren thinks the girl is "sidditty" - she was probably out of his league to begin with.

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