Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Three Men and a Bougie Chick answer some relationship questions (part I)

Back by popular demand not only relationship week here on BnB but a new installment of Ask a Bougie Chick. I'll be answering a few letters from readers brave enough to email me and naïve enough to believe I actually have an answer. J Switching it up this time around and bringing in some male perspective. Allow me to introduce some contributors from the blogosphere:

Show the fellas some love. Again, let me preface this by saying that none of us are degreed relationship experts. We've just seen a lot of bullshiggity. Also, I did not edit the fellas' responses. I asked them to answer with raw honesty and that they did. NC-17 people, read on.

Okay, I picked two letters about women suspecting their men are cheating just to kick things off. Seriously, today's letters are like an episode of Maury Povich up in here: suspected gay boyfriend and creepin' hubby. Here we go: First on deck is Tanya. Tanya is writing in from Cali. As usual, I only made grammatical changes to the letters and I changed the names to protect the innocent.

Dear OneChele,

I have a suspicion that my boyfriend Thomas is gay. Well, not gay but bi. Though I won't go into the sexual details, his actions of late in that area definitely have me confused and concerned. He is spending a lot of time with his boy, Jerry. Until recently I thought Jerry was just, you know, his boy. But now I realize I have never seen Jerry with another woman and he is very possessive of Thomas' time and attention. That's not normal right? I mean don't most guys fall back when their boy gets a girl? My suspicions really arose when I heard Thomas on the phone the other night. He was talking low and sweet like he would to another woman. When I checked the call history, he was talking to Jerry. I did confront him but all he said was – what kind of question is that to ask me? Now he's spending nights over at Jerry's house. I'm not sure what to do next.

Tanya

From Ojo: Tanya from the Left Coast: Have you ever heard Erykah Badu's song "You better call Tyrone?" To answer your question about - "most men falling back when their boy gets a girl" the answer is: not all the time. It depends on what type of dude it is. You say you've never seen Jerry with a woman…mmmm…….is he a nerdy looking dude? Unattractive maybe? When you look at him do you feel like throwing up? If he is an okay looking dude, does he have any gay tendencies…I don't know….like maybe….he wears blouses and only has other dudes numbers in his cell phone? Without you going into sexual details it is hard to analyze the situation. If you and Thomas are getting it on, and he keeps moving into the doggy style position you might have a problem!!

There are only three reasons to why your man wouldn't want to stay at the crib with you.

  1. His boy has a fridge full of alcohol and all you can eat chicken wings.
  2. His boy lives next door to strippers.
  3. They are both gay lovers.

When you first start dating a guy, you have to ask his friends questions. I'm not talking about giving them the Spanish Inquisition but you do need to ask questions. This is how you figure out what you are working with. The phrase "Birds of a feather flock together" is very true. Looks like you might have to back track and examine Jerry's dating habits. If you don't want to go through all that work, you should find another man. But this time make sure that he doesn't know Jerry.

From SBM aka Stop with the gay witch hunt: Ms. Tanya, Now, you do make some points here and you present a little evidence, but I gotta admit that I'm not convinced. There is one very strong piece of evidence, which is him spending nights over there. Unless he is really really mad at you for some reason, I don't think there is any good reason he should voluntarily be spending nights over this guy's house. In terms of him being possessive of the time ... that is common. I mean, a lot of guys aren't fans of the girlfriends. They take away their good friend.

Really, what is happening is your man is f**ing some chick. He saved her name as "Jerry" in his phone, and when he is sleeping over at Jerry's, he is smashing her off. Unless he is failing the washcloth in the buttcrack test*, then you don't have enough evidence to say he is gay. He just got a regular ol' sidepiece.

*washcloth in the buttcrack test is when you're taking a shower with him. Try and wash his "spot" with the cloth, and get in deep. If he doesn't damn near try and fight you, worry.

From TMCY: Tanya, I don't want to spend any time humoring you concerning what he may or may not be doing. This is what you need to do: Leave. Your relationship is obviously on the rocks anyway considering that your man is spending that much time with someone else. And you don't trust what he's saying or doing because you've checked his phone logs. I'd advise you to just get out. Don't concern yourself with the potential drama that's there. Don't wait for it to come to fruition. Sure, you want some concrete evidence. But the best sign that you'll get that you need to move on is that you don't trust him or what he's doing. That usually means it's over, which in this case is probably a good thing.

Last but not least from OneChele: Look here girl, if your Gay-Dar is buzzing – respect that. When I tell you I know of what I speak, keep reading the blog – that BougieTale of Woe is sure to come out (no pun intended) another time. Moving on, I'm disassociating from SBM's buttcrack test above. Here's my indicator: when you confront your man about being gay and he doesn't come back at you with the immediate, "Hell naw, WTF?" Check him. Also, you sense something "off" about the sex? Kinky "let me try something" off? Or Brokeback "you should have suspected" off? Let me ask you this, how deep is this thing? This is your man but he's spending nights with someone other than you? Jerry is not your problem, Thomas is. He's disrespecting you. My advice – ask some questions. If you don't get the answers you are comfortable with, are you willing to take a break or walk away? Cuz nowadays you REALLY need to know who you're sleeping with. BTW – we are not down on gays. But you cannot ride the rainbow (NTTAWWT – not that there's anything wrong with that) and ride me… succinctly put. N.D.L.: No Down Low. 'Nuff said.

Next up is Raine from the ATL.

Hey OneChele,

I read something on your blog a few weeks ago that got me thinking- is my man creeping? I mean he has a history of creep but we've been married for over eight years and I'm determined to hang in. Lately though, I'm not getting any attention and he's not asking for any a**. If he's not getting it from me, he's getting it somewhere is what I've always been told. It has been over three months now. He is too smart to give lame excuses like working late but he calls from his mother's house late at night saying he just wants to spend time with her. She is not in great health so maybe that's what this is about? But he comes home, gets straight in the shower and then falls into bed without saying a word. He is also washing his own clothes lately.

I noticed some money missing from our savings account and just found out that he got a credit card I didn't know anything about. Now I'm turning into that chick you were talking about who is spying on his Facebook page, checking the online statement of his cell phone and making sure copies of all his emails come to me. I don't know how to tell which FB friends are harmless and which ones could be a problem. There are numbers in his cell log that I don't know but I'm not going to call them unless I really think he's up to something. The other day I caught myself following him to the mall. So now I'm (like you said) THAT CHICK. And I hate it. You said not to ask the question if I wasn't ready for the answer. So how do I know for sure without asking? From what I've told you, can you just give me an honest opinion? Am I making myself crazy or does it seem like something ain't right?

Raine

From Ojo: I always wondered how a man living in Atlanta could be faithful. I guess I got my answer…he can't. Ha Ha ha ha….I'm just joking girl. There are only two times when a man doesn't want sex.

  1. When he is frustrated by his job, life or other personal issues.
  2. When he just got some from another woman.

If your bedroom game hasn't fallen off, and he isn't dealing with any drama in his life, you got problems. Apparently your man isn't too bright that he thinks you wouldn't notice cash missing from the account. It's unfortunate that you have become "That Chick" because all men hate that type of woman. Instead of being in a relationship you are playing chief detective. I bet that wasn't what you imagined when you first met this dude. But now he's got you checking the phones like Dick Cheney and the CIA. Most men aren't looking to pick up extra duties when they come home. What man starts washing his own clothes when he wasn't doing it before? When I was a kid I washed my own clothes when I was hiding accidents that I made (Don't Judge Me!!!) I only started washing my own clothes on the regular when I lived by myself. If I could have found a woman to wash my clothes after I left home, I would never have known what fabric softener was. So to answer your question – yes!! Something ain't right!!!!

From SBM aka Let that ninja breathe: Dearest Raine, Hmmm ... he's not smashing you off. Well, I have heard after being married for a long time that can happen, but I am a strong believer that if he isn't getting it from you, he is getting it somewhere.

You are doing way too much by following him to the mall and tracking him down, but there is a very good chance he is cheating.

Problem is ... he may be really really torn up about his mother. And if you are snooping on him and accuse him when he is really just torn about the health of his mom ... then you will be a horrible horrible person. Horrible enough that you may push him back to cheating. Keep one eye open ... but no more playing private eye.

From TMCY: Raine, The something that's not right is your actions. I'm probably gonna sound like a broken record, but if you don't trust someone, you shouldn't be with them. It's a little different considering that you're married to him. But you shouldn't have to spy on your husband to figure out what he's doing. If there are things you're uncertain of, i.e. the new credit card, you should call your husband on such things. Don't be afraid to go there. That's the only thing that's making you crazy, that it doesn't seem as though you've approached him about much of any of this. When you don't confront him, if you're certain you're still not getting the truth, you should consider moving on, especially if you dealt with him stepping out on you before. That's not a sign of someone who cares for a healthy relationship.

Last but not least from OneChele: You lost me a little bit at "he has a history of creep." Almost sounds like you know what's up because you've seen this all before. But okay, let's say you don't. If Moms is really ill, you do have to cut him some slack. But only some. The clothes washing all of sudden, all the random broads on the cellie, FB, inbox – we call this suspect behavior. You're going to have to ask the hard questions and be prepared to deal with the answers. In the meantime, stop your SuperSleuth routine – you'll only make yourself crazy. Remember, information without context is not evidence (too much CSI!). Honestly, confront old boy. After eight years of marriage, you should know if he's lying.

So to Tanya and Raine – you probably got a little more than you asked for. But if you're like most people, you'll chose which answers suit what you already wanted to do anyway. We wish you luck in your relationships, be sure and check back to tell us which direction you took and how it all worked out.

As for the rest of BougieLand – you might as well wade in and pile on with your opinions for Tanya and Raine or share your similar experiences. Oh, and Part II where we answer a question from a young single brother, coming up later in the week. Comment as you will.

59 comments:

Velinda Miller said...

BougieCousin, I am loving this week's post and guest, birds of a feather flock together, and your guest make me think and laugh just as much as you do. Ojo, has me ready to laugh until I cry, he is hilarious. SBM, simply put LOL. TMCY, I so agree with you brother, without trust there is no relationship. I have trust issues with my husband, but because he is my husband and because of my beliefs we are trying to work it out, but to be honest I am praying he doesn't burn me in the end.Trust is such a hard thing to get back and once it is broken, it is broken,the scar stays no matter what you do.

To both the sisters that wrote in I say that if you aren't married and you can't trust him, cut your loses now and move in, your prince charming is in the wings, but remember no one is perfect and no relationship is without its flaws, but minor imperfections are ok, great big gaping ones are something to run from. The one sister is married, so I will say this, you don't have to stay in a marriage if someone is cheating, if you can build the courage to ask and have even more courage to forgive and work through it, then you do what is best for you to do.

(why can't I ever just have 1-5 sentence comments like others? I am such a dork, lol.) 8-)

Bailey Quincy said...

Oh Lord! Where do you find these folks.. the washcloth test? NO HE DIDN'T!  And did you reference Brokeback up and through BougieLand?! LOL, OneChele and TMCY gave the advice I would have given. Both of their men sound suspect. Run ladies!

Kayla said...

I don't know which direction to call out first, too much trying not to spit my coffee all over the place... I'm supposed to be WORKING! Ojo with the alcohol and chicken wings! SBM with the ninja breathing or you with the CSI. You all came from different places but ended up saying the same things. No trust= no relationship. 

LacyLady said...

OneChele, I've been lurking for a while but I had to spit up! I quit you! LMAO! Ya'll are too funny. Looky, Thomas is gay and Jerry is his gale boyfriend. Tanya is his beard... done. Raine's man been cheating on her forever and he is at it again. done. 

ManonthatHustle said...

BWAHAHA - SBM got it with that washcloth test, O.C. too, if ninja doesn't bark back - WTF, suspect!

OnlyMe said...

Ya'll went to CHUCH! Only thing I don't agree with is SBM telling Raine she may "push him back to cheating" Naw homie, a man cheats cuz he wants to, don't put that on her.

SBChitownChick said...

Raine - NO! Not with the cell phone logs and nonsense. You already know what's up. Not sure I agree with TMCY that your actions are the wrong one but they are extreme. Tanya - uh uh girl. AIDS, hello? Move on.

DatdudeinCali said...

Ya'll ladies and your gay hunt. Oprah did one too many shows on the DL and now every brother rocking a pink polo is suspect. Maybe old boy don't like ya ass no more and is easing his way out. Maybe he got him a chick on the side and Jerry is covering for him like a wingman should? Maybe he's breaking you off the weak chex cuz he's saving it for his new chick - this don't make him a pillow-biter. just sayin

SpitGameSpeakTruth said...

Let me back up my boy here and ask the females a question. Is it better or worse for your man to cheat on you with a man or a woman? Seems to be additional outrage if your man might be cheating AND gay.

Troy said...

Can't agree witcha Only - sometimes a woman's actions can definitely nudge a man in that direction

AngelaM said...

Hold UP! Does a woman push a man down on top the other chick too? Dang! How you make this creepin', cheatin', money hiding man HER fault?

AngelaM said...

Yes, it's worse if he's gay because now not only is he unfaithful but he's lying about who is and possible endangering his partner. BTW, it wasn't a pink polo she was worrying about... where a man is sleeping (and with who) is something a wife deserves to know, right?

Troy said...

I'm not saying a woman makes him do it, I'm saying if the idea is there and he's not getting what he wants at home or the woman is beefing with him at home, he's going to go ahead and make that decision

AngelaM said...

MAN excuse #2009 - I'm not happy at home. As OneChele says - BULLSHIGGITY!

Troy said...

Keep worrying about the excuses instead of putting in work and you will find your man GONE!

MochaDudeSpeaks said...

GAME. SET. MATCH.

Kiki said...

So it's a woman's fault that a man is a cheatin' ass cheater? GTFOH with that.

ThinkLikeRiley said...

Long time lurker - Blog Fight in perfect BougieLand? LMAO! Ladies - no it's not your fault if your man cheats but you can be a contributing factor now either you live with it, reconcile and take him back or you don't and everybody moves the hell on. The Gayness (NTTAWWT) is something different, don't see how you can mess with that. Point blank, chances are your men will find someone else while you are still sipping Appletinis crying about it.

DatDudeinCali said...

Bob and weave, bruh. Bob and weave.

BB Waite said...

Riley, say what now? Are you telling ladies to forgive their men because they won't get another one? Please STFU!

Velinda Miller said...

I agree, no trust = no relationship.

Velinda Miller said...

The single one has the gaydar going off, and I say if there's no ring, kick him to the curb, pronto.

Velinda Miller said...

Dude, I might have to say I'd rather it be another woman. No mind you I have stipulations, if you're going to step out she better be better then me, cuz if you leave a Lexus for a Neon, I'm a be ticked. Totally switching teams on me, whoa, I can't phathom that, was I that bad? or was I too good? Either way switching teams makes the head swirl.

BB Waite said...

LOL Velinda - Leaving the Lexus for the Neon - true dat!

The Lady said...

Tanya-you have to ask your man the hard quetions you have to have the answers to-your health depends on it.  Now Jerry may be Jerry or could be Janice, either way it's unacceptable!  Don't allow him to dodge the question or turn it around on you.  You want answers and just the facts.  From that you should know what you have to do. 

Raine-you've missed your calling as a police detective.  ;)   Seriously though, if your free time is spent playing eye-spy and not getting massages, shopping, etc. there is a problem.  He could be distant because of his mother's failing health, but that does NOT excuse the mysterious credit card or new numbers on the phone.  I'm actually surprised you haven't called the number from his phone while he's in the shower and see what kind of greeting you get.  (Not giving you any ideas)  You too need to sit your hubby down and have a serious conversation where he is not allowed to dodge the questions.  You'll know if he's lying. Your sanity, gas money and health depend on it. 

I may catch heat for this, but there are boundaries in every relationship, even marriage.  Cheating is dangerous these days for many reasons that we all are aware of and the risk exists whether you're married, dating or are just casual.  NO MAN/WOMAN IS WORTH DYING FOR!  Preventable terminal/longterm/recurring illnesses are not bougie!

To both ladies-whatever you do DO NOT DOUBT YOURSELF OR YOUR INSTINCTS, I have found that they are rarely wrong.    And let's not forget that any relationship that reduces your self esteem and self worth is not worth continuing.

PrettyGirlTwentyPearls said...

There is such a thing as God given intuition. Both of the situations these ladies are involoved in are ridiculous and not worth the time or energy these women are expending. If there is smoke there is fire period, and if a woman feels so strongly that something is awry in her relationship to the point that they need to write in for advice, then the best bet is to move on. To Thine Own Self Be True!

AllHoney said...

Tanya - you know what you know. Don't let these men have you doubting that instinct.
Raine, come on now - not your first time at the dance. Money missing too? Did you even need to ask?

Rob said...

So if you take the gay outta the pic, none of ya'll would give a brother a second chance or the benefit of the doubt?

Suzie said...

Hey, lurker for months. Latinas love the bouge, too! I had a similar situation to Tanya and I walked (sprinted!) away. Now he is very ride the rainbow. NTTA... 8-)  I think a woman always knows when something is not right. 

Kiki said...

Riley - come on! iCan't with you. Chances are we'll be moving on and you'll be hitting up with the TapBack call OneChele talked about Monday.

Citizen Ojo said...

This is a rough crowd!!!  You went from giving advice to fighting over who is at fault.  Sometimes you can have all the intuition in the world but when you invest time in someone you want it to work out.  We aren't getting any younger.  Everyday a man or a woman spends in a relationship is another day that they could be doing something else...reading, writing, doing taxes.  So people get wrapped up in the time.  Notice when things fall apart women usually say "I spent all that time" "I gave all my time".  It's like an investment and the person wants to get the best out of it.  If you were in a 2 year relationship that went bust...well that was 2 years out of your life that you can't get back.  Think of all the people you could have met during that time.  Now all you have to show for it is some trinkets and sexual memories.  No ring no nothing.  Because in reality..unless marriage isn't for you.  It's always about the ring.  Everybody plays in the superbowl for one, nba championships....you think relationships are any different? 

Bougie said...

Alright, I'm not married and currently relationship free but .... WTF with being married / getting nothing for 3 months and being okay with it. Not okay.  Plus, Raine appears to know the answer to her question she just doesn't want to believe it.  sigh.....

Jayme C said...

I'm going to talk to Tanya and Raine FIRST - Tanya he is doing something with Jerry or Jane, something's up - get out while you can. Raine - I gotta be blunt, damn all the excuses, credits card and clean clothes. Like OneChele said, if you gotta go Horatio Caine on your man - is it worth it? Eight years of marriage not withstanding, you gotta decide what kind of relationship you're in. 

Now for all these men who haven't had ish to say and coming all out the woodworks trying to run game about infidelity. A man cheating is on him. The time to "get your woman right" is before you unzip in front of somebody else. Let her know what's missing before you hook up. You can't read our minds and we can't read yours. 

bcopher said...

As far as I'm concerned, it doesn't matter who he's cheating with? A man or a woman it's wrong, I can't trust you and I'm out the door.

AngelaM said...

Rob- He had the benefit of the doubt the FIRST time. Raine said he had a history. You want us to give the benefit of the doubt or play the fool?

OneChele said...

WHOA, as Lil Wayne said - Tha Block is HOT! <span style="text-decoration: underline;">Note to self</span>: infidelity is a BougieLand hot button. Let me take a moment to thank Ojo, SBM and Damon for contributing. Let me welcome any new folks and thank the former lurkers for speaking out. 

In my opinion, this isn't about fault. That's where a lot of relationships get hung up. The finger pointing and the fault finding. Takes two people to make one and two people to break one. This is about coming to terms with a decision I believe both of these ladies have already made. But ya'll go on ahead and battle it out. 

UdontKnowMeLikeDat said...

My bougie girlfriend sent me over here to read this blog - let me rep the straight guy. If a woman asks you if you are gay and you aren't immediately responding in the negative, somethings up. Ladies, if your man isn't coming home to you at night that's all you need to know. No forensics needed. Its that simple. oh, nice blog by the way.

JaysDay said...

Co-sign with Udont. Stop complicating things, ladies. 

Guest said...

I think the first guy, Thomas, just sounds like he's found another woman and his 'boy' is running cover for him. Oprah really did a disservice to Black women with that DL crap. Anyway it really shouldn't matter if he's cheating with a man or a woman. If he's cheating then he's cheating period. The question is what is Tanya going to do?

Liselle said...

I draw a line in the sand on cheating. If I even suspect it, I'm out. 

Troy said...

Wow that's harsh. 

OneChele said...

Oh Riley, BougieLand is not perfect... we just aspire to be. ;)

OneChele said...

Thank you UdontKnow and thank your bougie girlfriend.

natural nubian said...

troy, u suspect.  your last sentence ("he's going to go ahead and make that decision")...exactly, the man is CHOOSING to dip out on his girl.  so your idea of any woman pushing a man to cheat is, to be frank, juvenile.  are you not in contol of your own actions?  real men just end it and move on.  lil boys still like to keep their toys close by while they indicisively try to stay entertained by both [women].

Guest said...

First time here. TMCY responded with some sanity, Ojo is a little off, SBM kinda radical and all about the "smashing", OneChele LOL with the "you can't ride the rainbow and ride me"

The Lady said...

It's important to remember that just as you wouldn't hold onto an investment that was rapidly losing value (think real estate or stock market tanking quicker than I type this sentence), you shouldn't hold onto a relationship that's toxic, rapidly losing value or has you acting COMPLETELY out of character.  I know that some women dream of the ring and the dress, and to them I say buy yourself a beautiful dress and a ring.  Marriage is about so much more than a ring and dress, and any woman in the position of these 2 women are better off with their self esteem/self respect, than a ring you eventually have made into earrings and a dress that collects dust in your basement. Don't be the investor who holds onto a stock that's in freefall waiting on it to rebound, and in the end all you have to show for it are losses and regret.  Sell the stock (kick homie to the crub) and use what you have left to invest in your next relationship or yourself.

true2me said...

Im going to tell yall the only way I was goin to find out my man of 2 years was cheating..I CHECKED THE INFO. I would have NEVER known had i not checked him out. How could I have, the girl was living in Cali (im on the east coast)

Just like the Ashanti song, he left the sidekick on the nightstand and I read everything he did and everything he said.

I remember prior to that I specifically asked him who the girl was and why she always contacted him. He said "Oh she lives in cali..someone i met in the military". He got a DVD in the mail that said Happy 6 mos and again lied and said that was to 6 months of good friendship. The lies are too many to go on. I was convinced I was being paranoid and that it was damaging our relationship..so I fell back.

Only when I saw the emails and letters and naked pics did I find the truth. I called her and we had a long nice talk about his indescretions.

Sometimes you gotta be That chick..FTW on that one....

SBChiTownChick said...

OKAY! Let me set my bouge aside for a second - Yes - bruthas gone all undercover with the cheating, we gotta fight fire with fire. Oh I'm supposed to fall back while you are running around the country with random broad? not gonna happen. Best bet, don't do anything to make me suspicious. Better yet - DON'T CHEAT! I will check your cell phone, trust and believe.

Troy said...

So now I'm a little boy for calling a woman out? I'm not saying a man should cheat. I'm saying there are things a woman can do to make him less likely to chat.

JaneknowsJane said...

what is with the cheating anyway? If you want out, just go.

AngelaM said...

Heard of that expression, having your cake and eating it too? <--- made up for men

Geoff said...

People started to take these comments real personally. To Raine - "history of creep" is nuff said. Tanya - whether he's gay or not, you are obviously unhappy. Nothing legal keeping you there, get out.

Reads4Pleasure said...

no you didn't say "ride the rainbow"! I.am.weak!

Jaycee said...

Wow, ya'll went all in today. I have only had to be Junior Detective once, but I never will again. Next time I'll see it coming and cut it off at the pass.

glamah said...

I always believe in followinf that nagging feeling in your gut. Intuition doesnt lie.

Amy is here said...

This is true glamah! You have to get to a point where you trust your own judgment

Phenomenal said...

Co-sign!  If I don't get any for 3 days, I start giving the side-eye (j/k)!

Guest said...

@ Cali chick who thinks her man is gay.  Trust your gut, it will never steer you wrong.  I went through a similar situation a few weeks ago.  I ask any man I date straight up, do you or have you ever had sexual relations with a man.  My intent is to provide an open dialogue where you dont feel like you have to lie to me.  This guy still chose to be deceptive, but the truth came out slowly.  You cant trust people these days, people just dont care....Always TRUST YOUR GUT.

Velinda Miller said...

BRAVO! BRAVO! I am with you. No one can read minds, so lay your cards on the table and lets work it out. If it can't be worked out, shake hands, cry tears and move on baby, move on.

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