Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Single Ladies of the Blogosphere… come have a seat

Blogger's Note: Please excuse the interruption of our regularly scheduled program. OneChele's Requirements for A Man Among Men will continue tomorrow. Today, I HAD to take a pause for the cause. Gents - this one really isn't for you though if you wanna gain a little insight... read on.

Ladies, let me chit and chat at you for a minute. OneChele is about to break it down so it will forever be broke. It's not my intention to wage war on any of my fellow bloggers out there but I'm afraid I gotta go Queen Latifah for a minute – OneChele's had it up to here. And Ooooo – Ladies first, Ladies first!

My sisters I don't want you to take offense at what I'm saying because I am saying this for your own good. Is everybody comfortable? Okay, good.

  1. Stop listening to single men under the age of thirty-five telling you how to catch a man, keep a man, treat a man. That's all some bullshiggity. THEY. DON'T. KNOW. Please go ask any married man over the age of 35 what he knew when he was 28 and single and they will tell you, "Not a damn thing." Seriously, go ask one now. I'll wait… um-hmm, that's what I thought. "How to show your man you love him," "How to keep your man happy," "How to get wifed up" (hate that phrase by the way). Contrary to popular thinking, single men are not all rare and exotic game to be hunted, trapped, tamed and kept. They are regular folk who put their pants on one leg at a time like ev'rybody else. Sidebar: Ladies, some fish that you catch need to be thrown back, ya hear me?

  2. Don't assume that what you read on a blog is gospel (except mine J). For the most part ladies, blogs are entertainment vehicles. Bloggers that want more visitors strive to be more entertaining than others. It's far sexier to write a post on Why Women Should Swallow (yes, it was about exactly what you think it was about) than to write a post on Why Women are forced to Swallow the BS that Men Feed Them. "But OneChele, it was all in good fun!" Sure it was. It's a mind game ladies. If I was running game, I'd be putting up posts on Why Men Should Just Say Yes and Okay While Handing Over the AMEX Black Card. Sure, I would do it in jest but reach one, teach one… right? I'm just sayin' – think about it.

  3. Not all "female empowerment" blogs are all that empowering. Some are, some are not. Some are written by bitter sisters with axes to grind who will not be happy until they've recruited a bunch more women to be as bitter and unhappy about their lives as they are. Try and find women that exude positivity and offer helpful hints rather than those who get preachy and try to hit you over the head. (this post excluded, ya'll know I'm on a roll)

  4. Please know who you are in "real life" before embarking on social media/blogosphere travels. These folks will have you thinking that the sky is orange, the sun is blue and grass comes in shades of lavender… and why didn't you know this already. There are people, both men and women, who do not have da-da in real life and this virtual reality is their universe. They want friends and followers and minions to join them and think like them and give them all the adoration no one in the real world plans to. Don't fall for it. If some folks had their way, it would be a law that every Sunday afternoon women must sit blindfolded and gagged, naked on top of a platter of hot wings with cold beer coming out of the right breast and ranch dressing coming out of the left. Stop me when I'm lying.

  5. Ain't none of these folks licensed therapists. While I enjoy Ask a Bougie Chick and joke around with my readers, I in no way believe that I know a damn thing more about life than anyone else (well, maybe more than a FEW of these fools… moving on). Don't make yourself crazy believing what so-called authorities and experts are peddling. If you have a serious problem, get a serious answer. And even then, you need to mix in some good old fashion common sense. I read a blog the other day where the man told the girl to stake her claim by sneaking into the brother's apartment and lying naked on his bed until he came home. WTF? Besides the class E misdemeanor and restraining order that could net you, claim staking of another woman's man is a dicey situation all the way around.

  6. Don't take the bait. Haters and antagonists are everywhere. When you speak your opinion, be prepared for someone not to agree with you. However, engaging in a two-hour TwitterBattle over how many sex partners makes a woman a skank is simply not productive. (yeah, it really happened) First of all, don't put yourself in a position to be judged by people who only know you from 140 character sound bites. Secondly, you do realize that freakin' Google keeps these tweets forever, right? Don't believe me? Go out to tweetree.com/your twitter name. Yep, there you are for the entire world to see. Unfiltered and unfettered. And on that note…

  7. Employers do twitter searches now. You better have a really good alias or be prepared to explain to a recruiter why you bemoaned the fact that your married co-worker used to inject you with protein on your lunch break (yes, a euphemism) and now he's injecting the new temp. Or that you only smoke pot when your boss is out of the office. Or that you were thinking of stealing a laptop but wondered if they lo-jacked it. All of these were public tweets I read in the last two weeks.

  8. You don't have to fall in. Without very much effort, I can tell you which male blogger likes long hair, short hair, light skin, dark skin, asses, breasts or painted toenails in sky high sandals. So what? You can read this blog and figure out that I prefer tall athletic chocolate men with killer smiles and change jingling in their pockets. The difference is a broke paunchy light-skinned man will read this blog and assume he has a shot anyway. A woman will read twenty blogposts telling her what's wrong with her and why everything she has is all wrong and go off the deep end trying to get it "right". There is no right. There's just you. And when I tell you there is a man out there who will love you in ripped up t-shirts, ballet flats with one toenail painted, hair looking like "who dunnit and why'd you let 'em"… you CAN take that as gospel. (Though I wouldn't recommend that for your first date look)

  9. Don't get it twisted. Your blog buddies don't KNOW you (unless they actually do in real life). Someone might visit this blog for the first time today and think I'm a man-bashing B! But ya'll know OneChele loves the men. Especially my mocha, caramel, bitter chocolate brothers. Strong, confident, smart and sexy… oh, on a tangent – bringing it back. My point is, do not assume that because you've swapped tweets and FB updates and clever blog comments with someone that you know a diggity-darned thing about them.

  10. And last but not least… understand that you are a completely whole and viable individual with or WITHOUT a man. Let me repeat, a man can NOT complete you. He can enhance what you already have but a man cannot MAKE you. He can inspire you to reach higher but he can't reach for you. Since you stopped by my blog, I've no doubt that you are a sparkling, glittering diamond of a woman. A force of nature, a beacon of beauty and a wellspring of intelligent charm. If you aren't where you want to be in life yet, if you aren't who you want to be yet please know that you should be appreciated for the work in progress that you are and admired for the efforts you are making to improve. Improve to your standards, not the standards of some faceless men with opinions and keyboards.

Okay, that's it. Rant over. Thank you for indulging me and for listening. Before I dismiss for the day… any questions?

61 comments:

Jasmyn said...

Uh-oh, someone made OneChele mad!

SBChitownChick said...

PREACH!!! You took it straight to church

KiKi said...

Naked on a platter of hot wings?! LMAO, you definitely said a few things that need to be said. 

Angela said...

You have a way of making a lecture sound like a comedy routine. Seriously, though - this is great. Sometimes we need to raise the Femme Fist and wave it around. Girl Power!

Angela said...

And what idiot told a woman to lay naked in a guy's apartment - so stupid chick will DO that

Tiffany in Houston said...

....and there it is! *STANDING OVATION*

Jane knows Jane said...

I hate the term "wifed up" also, it kinda takes away from title. And woman should know better than to take any of this stuff as gospel, I read a couple of the posts you refer to - youth and ignorance make a tragic combination

PrettyGirlTwentyPearls said...

<span style=""><span style="">Love the post. I read some of these ridiculous, obviously self serving blogs and the million ensuing comments basically taking as you would say, "bullshiggity" <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>nonsense <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>as gospel truth. It is a sad fact that common sense in some folks has gone missing.</span></span>
<p style="margin: 0in 0in 0pt;">

<span style=""></span>

Rob said...

Wow, my first time witnessing the OneChele rant. Impressive - I am married and over 35 and I still don't know a damn thing.

Bailey Quincy said...

I read a few of the twitter bs of which you speak. What is wrong with folks? I wish we could get a blogger's summit together and break off some OneChele truth. 

ASmith said...

"Please know who you are in "real life" before embarking on social media/blogosphere travels. These folks will have you thinking that the sky is orange, the sun is blue and grass comes in shades of lavender… and why didn't you know this already. There are people, both men and women, who do not have da-da in real life and this virtual reality is their universe. They want friends and followers and minions to join them and think like them and give them all the adoration no one in the real world plans to. Don't fall for it. If some folks had their way, it would be a law that every Sunday afternoon women must sit blindfolded and gagged, naked on top of a platter of hot wings with cold beer coming out of the right breast and ranch dressing coming out of the left. Stop me when I'm lying. "

I read this and said: "Please keep going...."

But you could've stopped right there; not 'cause you're lying but because this is the end all of the whole thing. I love the interactions I'm able to have thanks to the blogosphere/social networking. I've met a lot of cool people and learned a heck of a lot, but the truth is, everything is not always what it seems and as such you gotta take it all with a grain of salt. It's nice to hear other people's opinions but that's all they are. At some point, you have to develop your own ideas based on what's happening in your life, cause you're the only one who has to deal with the consequences.

Cassie said...

Whoa. Been jumping on and off your blog for a minute but never saw a post like this! Who ticked you off? Name the offender and we'll go in! On a real note - "you are a completely whole and viable individual with or WITHOUT a man" - CHUCH!!!!

Bougie said...

Sis, speak truth.  Who was the catalyst for today's sermon?  No matter, nicely said.  We all need to be reminded on the difference between real life and the blogosphere.

Laney said...

Why do I feel like singing I Am Woman? I witnessed a twitterbattle the other day between a male and female. The male seemed determine to humiliate the girl when all she did was disagree with his point. Then two of his partners started in and the girl just got annihilated. Sometimes you just have to back away

Foxy Brown said...

yes, i have a question.  would you like to adopt me? ;)

LikeLena said...

**STARTS SLOW HAND CLAP** was feeling a little down today, this is just what I needed for a pick me up!

Man's World said...

Gentleman wading in ladies. Repping for single black male under 35. True, we don't know what we're talking about half the time but are we not allowed to offer suggestions? Half the females I meet walking around clueless. 

OneChele said...

Welcome - Suggestions yes, commandments no. You may want to hang around a better class of female.

OneChele said...

LOL! Wait a minute - are you implying I'm old enough to be yo mama?!

OneChele said...

You know enough to be a still breathing black man past the age of 30 and enough to be married. Congrats :)

OneChele said...

Some one said - Common sense isn't common any more!

OneChele said...

Ha! *Takes a bow*

OneChele said...

Sometimes I gotta break my virtual off.

Man's World said...

Don't shoot! Just saying nobody really knows what they are doing when it comes to relationships, a little guidance can't hurt.

OneChele said...

Don't take this personality but that statement is EXACTLY why I called bullshiggity. People know what they are doing. This ain't High School, son.

true2me said...

*applauds* One of my favorite posts of you ever. You know I retweeted this post like 5 times. Thanks for this. Especially that first paragraph....UGH. I have been boycotting living up to men's standards and have been preaching for the longest for women to be you and LOVE YOU. If you are a stuck up, anal rententive shopaholic, dont let a man change you. BE YOU.

Thanks again

true2me said...

she doesn't sound mad at all :|

Troy said...

At the risk of getting kicked up outta Bougie - where was the post on Why Women Should Swallow? Just curious

OneChele said...

Le Sigh. Google it, bro.

Luvvie said...

THIS... is ALL truth. I concur.

P.S. Figuring out ur commenting system made me flip my keyboard over once in a tantrum. Either I'm just a belligerent dummy or... well. Maybe that's it.. *kanye shrug*

Slim Jackson said...

I'm glad to be in your blogroll.lol. As someone that writes for a relationship blog and runs a separate lifestyle blog, I gotta agree with you on this post. I'm actually surprised to some degree at how much weight people put on what relationship bloggers say. I try to be very careful in my writing about giving any type of advice. I try to focus more on providing a perspective. People can choose to draw whatever conclusions they want from there. I also always tell folks to take what they read online with a grain of salt. Unless they got some type of degrees after their name online, they writer probably isn't an expert.

Slim
www.threewaystotakeit.com (Home of the swallow post.lol.)

OneChele said...

HA - it's a test, you passed :)

OneChele said...

LOL - Troy's question answered  ;)  Thanks for dropping by. I don't always agree with your posts but you are never malicious about it... hence the blogroll.

Single Black Male said...

I don't know if I should be offended or stand up with the slow clap.

Although I feel like several points in #1 addressed me in particular (along with a couple other things throughout), I can't help but agree with most of this.  While I think that single (although I am not single at the moment ... don't let the name fool you) men under 35 do "know stuff", I always try and tell others to take my words as one person's opinion. Hell, even all the writers on my site don't agree on the same concepts.  And really, honestly, the best advice is always in the comments.  When you have a whole bunch of people chiming in to for a conglomerate opinion, that is the best.

So, I must say preach on.  Blogger's aren't experts, Gods, or professionals (in most cases) BUT ... don't try and discount some of the stuff you don't agree with.  And like Man's World said ... there are a lot of people (read: women) who still don't know the basics.

OneChele said...

Hmm, while men under 35 do know things, can we agree that with age (usually) comes wisdom? Anyway, I wasn't callin' ya out specifically, sir. I save that for my comments on your site or my DMs in Tweeterville. :)  Thanks for visiting the bouge

AndreaM said...

I don't know, Chele - I read the Swallow post and a few others over at SBM and Three Ways. Not sure you couldn't have gone a little harder. 

ThinkLikeRiley said...

Andrea - Three Ways and SBM are targeted to male readers. If you don't agree, don't read.

OneChele said...

Riley & Andrea, do I need to separate you two again?

MoonGodess said...

You are a wise, wise woman!

glamah@cococooks said...

ROFLMO 'Injecting you with protein". I have to use that.The last point "that you are a completely whole and viable individual with or WITHOUT a man.". YES!

BlackButterfly said...

Speak On! Speak On!

This was a great post

Foxy Brown said...

ummm, no, not hardly.  but definitely a wiser, slightly older, though no one would believe it, sister. :)   so is that a no?

Tiffany Nicole said...

I guess I'm a bit naive or blind. I don't take what I read on blogs as gloden, just a perspective on an issue or situation. I love to read what others are thinking. Sure I agree with some and not with others. To me it's like an active conversation that everyone can have their say on. Which is almost impossible in a face to face atmosphere. It's good so see people passionate about subjects and willing to state their opinion without reserve.

RiPPa said...

#3 and #4 had me cracking up; now that's real talk in its entirety right there.

PrettyGirlTwentyPearls said...

 As I said earlier, it's about applying common sense when reading certain things in "blog-land" I read the swallow post and took it with a grain of salt. I personally was not offended at all, thought the writing was clever and took it as entertainment . I actually can't remember the last time I laughed so hard after reading the post and the subsequent comments. I didn't get all bent out of shape thinking this is what I MUST do to have happily ever after with my man.

Slim Jackson said...

It would actually be no fun if we always all agreed with each other. I can dig that!

OneChele said...

LOL - welcome to the family ;-) 

ThinkLikeRiley said...

No ma'am, I just got into Bougelandia... I would like to stay. LOL.  I still think women need to catch a clue though. And if blogs like SBM and Three Ways give them one, what's the harm? 

Troy said...

So am I an insensitve jerk for applauding the extra testosterone on the blog today? Normally, I have no back up

AllHoney said...

No, I always applaud testosterone. Not sure why ya need back up though.

Dr. J said...

I'm going to append to the fellow blogger SBM, that I think you're a bit off with #1, because I think that a you have to take advice from whom it's given.  If you want to find out how to get wifed down by a 20-something year old guy, you should probably talk to a 20-something year old guy, not some 35 year old.  We are not the same person.  I will also add that my advice is that the genders talk to each other instead of just other people of the same gender.  That's the main issue.  And if advising folks to talk to each other instead of themselves is bad advice then I don't think i'll ever get it.  And i'm 25 by the way.  Enjoyed the post.  I have another comment too, but i'll hold that.

Single Black Male said...

I am very happy to hear that we don't have a cult following taking our word as the gospel.

But I do hope The Swallowing post on Slim's site at lease made some woman think "Hmmmm ... maybe men really do care about this.  I will now go forward and make my own assessment of this act".

BrnEPanther said...

Very well said.

AndreaM said...

Chele - I know you don't like me getting all radical but damn! Lemme just say this, why would I take advice from a 25-year old unproven dude when I could listen to a 35 year who has been there, done that and learned the lesson? I think you were dead on. m'kay, shutting up now. 

Winter137 said...

So on point and I do see the difference between your blog and others. Well done !!!!!

GrownAzzMan said...

"If some folks had their way, it would be a law that every Sunday afternoon women must sit blindfolded and gagged, naked on top of a platter of hot wings with cold beer coming out of the right breast and ranch dressing coming out of the left." Not that there is anything wrong with that...LOL

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Nepenthe said...

I love your style, this is epic truth right there.

#3, #4, #5, #7 especially so. :]

nvfreckles said...

Chelle, you 1-5 is so right on and that is all that I have say about that right now. LOL!

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