Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Relationship Fact or Fiction: Married Folks take us behind the Myths

Welcome back to Relationship Week on BnB. Today, we'll be getting the inside skinny from some happily married folks. There are any number of relationship do's and don'ts that are passed out as conveniently as fortune cookies at the end of a meal. Let's take a look at three of them and see what the "experts" have to say in response. Guest posting today:

Glen Antoine Palmer and His Lady from The Gentlemen's Standard

Average Bro (AB) from AverageBro.com

JaymeC (a regular blog commenter and a licensed Life Coach here in the Dallas area who specializes in relationship counseling), married 18 years.

  • Never go to bed angry: Any truth to this? Does it matter as long as the issue gets resolved?

    • AB says: This sounds great in theory, but like many other idioms about marriage, simply isn't practical. Sometimes you have to agree to end an argument/discussion because you have kids to put to bed, and have to get up for work in the morning. Sometimes, you are just going to agree to disagree, and need time and space for things to boil over. Not every discussion ends with a sorrowful "you're right Honey", and makeup nookie. I'm not saying couples shouldn't try to resolve things in a timely manner, but this is truly easier said than done.

    • Jayme says: You can't regulate anger. When you're upset, you're upset. Life goes on with or without a resolved argument. The key is that you have to resolve it. Sometimes that's respectful acceptance that you won't agree. Don't worry about the sun setting on your anger. If you get another day, take it as a blessing.

    • Gent and Lady say: It's best not to go to bed angry because the longer the anger and frustration goes on the worse it is. However, if you are not going to come to a resolution after a sincere effort, it's best to get some sleep and take a stab at it the next day. The last thing you need is an angry AND tired people going at it for days at a time. Resolution is important and in order to get to resolution you have to have a clear head and stay focused on the argument/issue at hand. That's hard to do when you are already upset and the clock reads 3am and you have to be up in 3 hours.
  • Just because you are married doesn't mean you can't look: When does looking go too far? Is Facebook flirting risky? How much "twitter-teasing" is allowed before it goes too far?

    • AB says: People have eyes, it is human nature to "look". I think you cross the line and can be disrespectful when you are blatantly doing so. My pastor always says, "the first look is natural, the second look is lusting". I sorta agree with that. In terms of flirting, it's a strict "no-no", regardless of which form it takes. Generally speaking, if it's not something I'd be happy about my wife doing, I don't do it. So please, no cyber groupies. I keed, I keed.

    • Jayme says: Eyes and ears appreciate beauty then the brain should engage for judgment. When thoughts slide from "He's fine" to "I want that", you've let the attraction go way too far. Exchanging a joke or two on a social media platform is fine but a good indicator that you're getting too involved is when you can't tweet/type/text in front of your significant other. You shouldn't be sharing anything that they can't see.

    • Gent and Lady say: Looking is fine as long as it's a casual glance (1 second max.) and not an all out gawk fest. Just because you're married doesn't mean you're blind and your spouse should recognize that. Facebook flirting/twitter-teasing and any other of that cyber sex (casual or otherwise) is not tolerated. Your friends/acquaintances, both real and virtual, need to know you are married and respect that. Just because you aren't face to face doesn't give you the right to disrespect me with some cyber chick. Cheating is cheating whether it's in person or in cyberspace-and NO you don't have to have sex to cheat. Emotional affairs happen every day, be prepared for your woman-bougie or not-to bring the pain when she finds out! Disrespect WILL NOT be tolerated.

  • The couple that sleeps together, stays together: In a recent study highlighted on WSJ.com, the New York Times, and various blogs more couples are opting to sleep apart (snoring, thrashing, allergies, kids). Assuming sex is still happening, how important is actually sleeping in the same bed with your spouse?

    • AB says: I do agree with this one. Whether you're dealing with babies who keep waking up, an unresolved argument, or someone who snores like the dickens, sleeping in the same bed gives a couple some level of consistent intimacy. Even if you have to have a child co-sleep with you (it happens), it's still best if the couples end the night, and start the day, together.

    • Jayme says: I give a four-day/ two week rule. Try not to spend more than four days out of any week sleeping apart and try not to spend more than two weeks out of any month away from each other. Relationships are living beings, it must be nurtured and fed and kept alive. Intimacy (with or without sex) is a huge part of that. As a matter of fact, if two people are more at ease sleeping and being away from each other for long stretches of time, that says something about the relationship.

    • Gent and Lady say: Sleeping together is important, however there are times when it's better to be apart (ie. one has to get up earlier than normal and doesn't want to disrupt your slumber or needs to turn in extra early). Just don't make it the norm. It's not okay to sleep apart because you can't stand to be near them, or they are afraid of waking up with you standing over them with a knife saying "Why don't you love me anymore!" That's some foolishness on a whole other level and requires a very capable therapist.

I found these answers fascinating as I have always attempted the "don't go to bed angry" thing and rarely has it worked. Now I know I can stop trying and get me some rest. J

So what do you think, BougieLand. Agree? Disagree? Thoughts of your own? Experiences to share?

24 comments:

Kayla said...

Okay, definitely a who knew? Thanks for the Guest Posters, OneChele

G-Girl2060 said...

first time on the site - love it! Hmm, I'm going to need more definition of cyber-flirting when it crosses the line. Just tweeting a little sexy can't be too bad?

BlackestBerry said...

I like that four day/two week rule.

ShawnQ said...

Hey- AverageBro on BnB! Cool. I made my husband get up and read this early this morning. I highlighted AB's section: Not every discussion ends with makeup nookie!!!

Lady4Christ said...

This friday will make 5 years of marriage for me and my hubby. These 5 years have been a roller coaster to say the least. I firmly believe in not letting the sun go down on your wrath and have lived it for the past 5 years, somedays I was tired from staying up until 3-4 in the morning trying to work things out and sometimes it just seemed futile. As time has progressed I've come to learn the difference between anger and disagreements, if I don't feel like I'm going to stab him in his sleep then it is safe to say I'm not that mad and we can deal with it in the morning.
When it comes to sleeping seperately and the intimacy that sleeping together brings I can definitely agree, that sleeping together is important. My husband is in and out of the hospital and sometimes the longer he is away I can see the distance growing. I remeber for a long time bracing myself to be a widow,so I got comfortable with sleeping alone and going out alone and raising my kids alone because I wanted to be ready for the worse, and now I can see how that has damaged our relationship and changed my perception of him and us.
Flirting is a no-no which I think most of us learn about one way or another. If you aren't getting the attention that you think you deserve, pay it to yourself, but don't try to get it elsewhere, because then things get sticky and Lord knows sticky is hard to clean up.

Jane Knows Jane said...

AB in the house. LOL at the cybergroupies. With G-Girl, where does the fun chat and FB/Tweet cross the line.

OnlyMe said...

I like the Gent and lady saying casual glance. The ex had a way of getting his open-mouth gawk on that was not good and ultimately led to him going after other woman and me putting his sh! on the back porch. Do you have email info on JaymeC?

Stevie NoWonder said...

Serial lurker both here and at AB's spot. Great post. Marriage is no cake walk and when people come in with these preformed myths and beliefs, it's that much harder.

Anonymous said...

LMAO at Gent and Lady with the "standing over them with a knife". Too funny. Bump a therapist and go straight to restraining order on that one

SpitGameSpeakTruth said...

OneChele! With the diverse guest post today, okay - I see you. AB in da house.

My marriage broke up due to the sleeping apart. It started off as a scheduling thing, my work late, she working early and then it seemed like neither of us cared enough to put it back together. That wake up in the morning and look each other in the face vibe is real.

Tiffany Nicole said...

Great read. Love the different perspectives on the issue. As far as "don't go to bed angry" I agree in a modified way. If it the situation is going to have my mind wondering all night, we need to talk. I really try to choose my battles when it comes to my relationship.

The best had to be "relationships are a living thing." WOW Never really thought of it that way, but it makes perfect sense! This will def change the way I see my relationship.

KaseyLovely said...

Imma need JaymeC's info tho? "You can't regulate anger" - dead on.

DatDudeinCali said...

That not going to bed mad thing jacked up too many nights. ladies just want to keep talking it out when I just wanna sleep. most times i just let them win so i can rest

JaymeC said...

Hello, glad people enjoyed the post. I can be emailed at JaymeC09@yahoo.com

Lacey said...

LOVE this blog, just found you. Co-sign with ShawnQ, I made the hubby read. I think he walks a fine line with the cyber-chicks getting a little too familiar.

Jayme C said...

Thanks, my email address is up top.

Bailey Quincy said...

I love relationship week. Great format, cool insight. And of course, now you've given me more new blogs to follow! 

OneChele said...

Sorry for all the commenting drama today. Thanks for hanging in!

Risa said...

First time here, ya'll come real with it. Look marriage is no joke. If you get in and stay in, things ain't always rosy. So once you start unraveling the intimacy by letting arguments linger, flirting with other dudes/chicks, sleeping apart - it's a slippery slope to divorce court.

BB Waite said...

Yes, the comments are tripping - my third try to put my two cents in :) These aggressive women with the cyber-stalking/flirting whatever - it's crazy. My first clue is when someone has a half naked avatar - what's up with that? I have an on again- off again relationship, right now it's off because he's letting his "online friends" get too familiar and take up too much time. I have a problem with that! After reading this, I feel kinda validated!

OneChele said...

Quick thanks for all the comments and to our guest posters today!

Guest said...

Good one!

AverageBro said...

Dang, I missed the party.

OneChele said...

Yeah ya did, but since you helped to get it started, you're forgiven! We'll have to do it again!

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