Monday, September 28, 2009

A few things I need in a boo - Requirement #5: Someone to take the Bullet

There are plenty of things I love about being single – autonomy, no sharing of the remote control and the ability to skip shaving my legs for a day (or two) without complaints. [Don't judge me!] However, as we head towards the fall/winter season and the holidays, there are definite reasons for landing a significant other (aka getting booed up). But not just any boo will do. I have very specific requirements for Mr. Good-Bougie. This week I'll look at a few of them in my own special "OneChele" way.

Requirement #5: Security. No not financial or emotional, I'm talking actual firearm bearing, black suit wearing security. Allow me to share:

Last week, I'm at home upstairs in my office wrapping up some phone calls. BougieMom had lent her car to an in-law so she called me to come and scoop her up from the senior citizens' center where she plays bridge. (BougieMom's social life is better than mine. L Moving on.)

Now some background info, BougieMom is 77 and lives with me in a home large enough for us to sometimes ignore each others' existence. It's a two-story stone and brick structure in a gated community. When I am upstairs in my office, I can block out the world. I say all this to say, we have always felt extremely secure here.

So on this fine sunny day last week, I walked out of my office, across the game room and started down the stairs. Swinging my purse over my arm, I paused thinking I heard something. Please imagine my shock when I leaned over the banister to see a short pale acne-ridden white man standing in my kitchen. As I watched, he reached across the bar top and picked up the keys to my German luxury automobile and glanced around. His eyes landed on the flat screen TV we have in the breakfast nook.

I scanned him up and down and saw no noticeable weapons, a frail frame and I deduced that I outweighed him. In other words, I could take him if I had to. All of this brilliant thought in less than a minute. Now what I did next shocks me in hindsight and if asked ahead of time, I would have sworn that I would not have done this:

I opened my mouth and said, 'What the hell?" He turned and looked at me obviously shocked that someone was home. I went from stunned to pissed in no time flat and my inner Shaniqua came out. He made a move as if heading towards the garage and I said, "There's not a chance in hell that you can make it out of the garage in my m.f. car before I get down there and catch your ass." With that I flew down the stairs still talking trash," Not this house, not today!" As I hopped down from the last stair to the landing, he decided to cut his losses. "Shit!" he said before flinging my keys in one direction and running past me to the back door (answering my question of how he'd gotten in).

Still not thinking and still enraged, I snatched up the keys, ran out to my car and wheeled out looking for him. I skidded out of my garage and took a corner on damn-near two wheels, I dialed 911 and shared my story. Gunning it down the side street to try and catch him at the back gate, I gave a detailed description, "Meth-head tweaky looking narrow ass with dirty blond hair, bloodshot blue eyes, 5'8" in a grey tee and stonewash jeans."

I watched him jump the back gate and it occurred to me, "Chele, if you caught this guy, what were you going to do exactly?" I had no clue; I announced to the dispatcher that I was giving up the chase. Adrenaline still high, I retrieved BougieMom and told her the tale. When we got back to the house, we discovered that the lock on the back door was sticking and he was able to jiggle it to get in. Meth-head had opened some of her drawers and taken some cash she had in her nightstand but nothing else. We were counting our blessings when the police called me to say they had actually caught the guy (that never happens) and had him in custody.

Since I live less than two miles from a police substation and the guy had been on foot, they caught him meeting up with his partner behind a drugstore up the road. The duo had hit ten homes in the area. They were suspected of over fifty break-ins across the Dallas-Ft.Worth metroplex. Their m.o. was for one guy to go in during work hours and if there was a car, he could load your car up with your belongings and drive off. Then he met up with his friend who had a big rental truck to consolidate the haul… nervy.

He picked the wrong house on the wrong day. I went to the substation and picked him out in a line-up that same night. BougieMom and I have decided to just leave the alarm on all the time. It was only later when I thought about how many ways that day could have gone worse that I cringed a little. He could have had a gun, his partner could have been with him, my mother could have been home, he could have fought me, I could have fallen down the stairs (wouldn't be the first time).

Before you ask what in all that is bougie was I thinking, I'll tell you – I was thinking "the nerve of this guy! While I'm in my own home trying to earn a nice living and keep a roof over my mother's head to bust up in here and steal what's mine!" If I had it to do all over again, I'd hide in the closet and dial 911… maybe. Or if I had a man, I'd call him to come over and kick the guy's ass. SO while I'm making up my wish list of requirements for the pre-Christmas boo, I believe I'll add large, burly, intimidating or at least handy with firearms (or skilled in jujitsu) to the list.

31 comments:

SassyMe said...

LMAO - you seriously said someone to take the bullet. And what was your bougie butt doing chasing down robbers! Oh OneChele, you kill me!

Bailey Quincy said...

You are crazy! Next time let Meth-Head TAKE THE CAR! A Boo who will take the bullet, where do you come up with this stuff?

ASmith said...

I'm suppose to, as a caring OneChele fan and friend, say "Oh my gosh. What were you thinking?! You could've been hurt!!" but a)that's beating Henry (the dead horse -- it makes it worse when you name them) and b)I'm not really mad at you. These days, folks are just THAT much more angry and people who steal because we're ALL hurting. OH hayell nah, get your own ish, pimpin. I works for mines. I'm sure had you caught him while the adrenaline was still pumping, you would've stuck your Bougie foot so far up his ass, he'd be coughing up Bougieness for the rest of his life; unfortunately, the adrenaline wore off enough for some common sense to eek in (damn common sense). ::shrug:: I'm glad he was caught, glad you're safe, and glad you still got your car.

glamah@cococooks said...

OMG! I would have freaked out. glad your ok. He  could had a gun or knife. Whats the Nigerian equivilant to inner Shaniqua?

Reads4Pleasure said...

omg, you made this sound so funny, but I'm sure it was a scary moment for you.  While you're wishing for the big, burly boo, wish that he either works from home like you or that he's unemployed so he can be home around the clock to protect you, lol.

Troy said...

As an arm-bearing man, this punk woulda caught an ass full of hot shit. Bustin' up in folks homes in broad daylight? That's bold. Glad you are okay.

GammasWorld said...

Girl, I'm glad you're okay.  We're having a mini-crime spree in our neighborhood and I'm telling you I can relate to that wanting security.  My brother wants me to get a gun but I'm thinking a boo with a gun would fit my lifestyle better. 

ThinkLikeRiley said...

If U was my boo I would ask you - what da hell wuz ya thinkin'? Okay, Imma ask anyway - WTH? Those tweaker dudes are off the chains. You are blessed to be sure. You may want to look for a boo with a little less bouge and a little more hood. just sayin'

JaneKnowsJane said...

Get him girl. I'm so sure he freaked out when he saw you flying down the stairs. If this is requirement number 5, what in the world is number 1?

OneChele said...

Hmm, well - Back in the day, I had this Nigerian girl named Adanna always threatening to kick my ass so we can go with that one. :) 

OneChele said...

My next boo's ratio of bouge to hood has got to lean towards the bougie side, son. All I need is 10 -15% hood. It's not like I'm getting robbed everyday ;) 

true2me said...

LMAO..dang girl, Im from the hood..but you  more hood than I am. Im glad you were brave enough to protect your stuff. Shoot, don't sound like you "need" a man to protect you. You may end up protecting him. LOL..not to laugh at this post..but Dang..lol

Foxy Brown said...

first, let me say that i'm glad you are okay.  i'm also very glad that your moms was not home.  now that i have done the good southern thing by expressing my concern for your well being, let me just say that i am so proud of you.  you did the damn thang!  forget that damsel in distress bull.  just standing there and watching him take your stuff would have been like him robbing you twice.  once of your stuff and the other of your dignity. eff that! you also knew when enough was enough and left it up to the authorities to do their job.  i'm glad they caught ole boy.

SBChitownChick said...

NO. YOU. DIDN'T! You need to pass on finding the boo and travel cross country teaching "OneChele" classes... I wanna be you when I grow up (LOL - probably way older than you!)

BB Waite said...

Seriously, I need the visual of you flying down the stairs about to do battle with this dude. Oh God, I'm glad you are okay but I am going to chuckle over this one for a while.

BrnEPanther said...

The detailed description of him is HILARIOUS! Anyway, your bravery is astounding, but I'd add someone to take the bullet to my list as well.

The Lady said...

I'll start by saying I'm glad you're ok.  Now let me say, there is nothing wrong with spending some time at the gun range every now and then-and owning a little steel to keep you and Bougie-Mom protected.  I'm still trying to convince my hubby on the idea of owing a gun for this very reason, although I think he's afraid of catching one when he walks in a room/house unannounced.  *DONT_KNOW*   Your actions were probably not the smartest in terms of your safety, but I can fully understand it and if caught in the same situation, I would've done the same, only little sticky fingers would've met the paint and steel of my automobile and would be telling his story from a hospital bed!


Glad you're safe and keep the alarm on!

LJS said...

Chele - be more careful with YOU. Co-signing with Riley, if I was your man we would have to talk about this. I know you are used to doing for you but from now on think 911. Any plan to get a dog? Or just the new man? LOL

Guest said...

Girrrl, start you up a reality series: When Bougie Attacks! Ha!

OneChele said...

@LJS - thanks, I will. BTW, I'm allergic to dogs, not allergic to men. ;)

OneChele said...

Lady - a few of the exes tried to talk me into a gun. Uh no, can't do it - BougieMom and I would get to beefing over who ate the last piece of grilled salmon and next thing you know, I'm begging for bail money. Ha! :))

OneChele said...

Folks got jokes. :-/

Bougie said...

Imagine, if you will, when OneChele is telling this story to her big sis?  I'm thinking - you did WHAT???  Isn't this the same chick who got nightmares from the Gang TV show on A&E, come on Bougieland what was she thinking?  Alright, I got that out of my system.  

Now, I wonder if OnChele can tell us where on the Bougie scale one lands when one is running down a meth head with the German engineering?  (Can you say ghetto?)

As she likes to say "le sigh".

Bougie said...

Come on now, no shooting Bougie Mom!  Regardless of the provocation...

Guest said...

BougieSis - get her told. She knew she wasn't right! Funny as shit though

Tiffany In Houston said...

Lawdamercy!!! I am glad you are OK and you are a very brave bougie! Next, time Superwoman..let him have it..we need you here to continue to entertain us with more bougie hijinks!

uglyblackjohn said...

It's good to read that you're alright but you really need to get a gun and take some shooting classes.
Better yet, start hunting. (It's more true-to-life in that you're trying to shoot a moving target.)
If you can control your weapon(s) you will have less fear of shooting.

(Bougie? C'mon... that was straight outta' Oak Cliff.)

Guest said...

oh no!  girl you better get that gun.

Brenda Richards said...

OneChele while you're waiting for the Security Boo, might I suggest you pass on getting a gun and get a DOG instead!  What if that meth head had gotten a hold of your gun instead of the cash?  Having a dog would prevented two things:

1) Meth head getting into the house in the first place.
2) You not knowing something was amiss thanks to the dog alerting you with his or her barking.

I've been a dog owner for years and despite having exterior security, I know my doggies who are indoor pets are the best and first line of defense. 

Besides, nothing says Bougie like three (yes, I said three) very pampered and spoiled yappy Bichon Frise/terrior mix doggies.

Winter137 said...

Balls of steel, I love it. The more I read the more like an ass I feel for prejudging black and "Bougie". I still hate the bougie part but it may grow on me. The requirements list is cracking me up. *Tears*

Hannington Dia said...

Sigh. Why do so many girls want a guy who can physically fight? I mean, not all of us are physical specimens of power and ability. I can't fight to save my damn life, let alone another's. As far as standing up for your woman when some assclown tries to shut her down, I WILL do that; just get rid of the physical protector situation!

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails