Saturday, August 29, 2009

When Bad Dates Happen to Good People

Ya'll some old sadistic types, just enjoying the BougieTales of relationship woe. We had over 200 new visitors on BnB for relationship week. This makes me laugh. For your reading pleasure, here is a OneChele date classic... enjoy:

I was dating a gentleman out in the San Francisco Bay Area. We were five dates into the relationship with that "this could really be something" feeling in the air. We were at a gorgeous restaurant on the wharf in San Fran. Bridge lights twinkling, boats sailing by. Brother's game was tight: he was saying all the right words at the right time.

I was sipping wine, enjoying my meal when he reached across the table, took my hand and then started quoting from Green Eggs and Ham. Yes, Green Eggs and Ham! And I mean, he was reciting it slow and in a deep voice like Dr. Seuss was some Shakespeare or he was bringing some Love Jones-style def Poetry Jam to the table. Trying to hit me with the sexy-eye while rhyming house and mouse.

When he finished, he kissed my palm and said, "Baby I just want to reach you with my mentals." I laughed so hard, I spit wine all over the place. (what are mentals?!) He was really hurt but I could not get past the "Sam, I am" of it all. Worse, he explained to me that "The Seuss" was really the original rapper and I needed to recognize the "sensual cadence" of his rhymes. "Are you feeling me?" he asked.

No, I was not. I tried to just let the night go (trying to finish my surf and turf ya'll) but then he just got more forceful in his defense of all things Seussian. I tried to make it into an intellectual debate, Seuss vs. Robert Frost - who brings it harder? (Give me credit for the attempt)

Brother got loud, "Frost was a poet, Seuss was a lyrical master! To understand Seuss is to understand me! You need to get on board if we are going to take this relationship any further!" I nodded as I speared the last piece of chipotle-rubbed lobster with my fork. "Absolutely, I understand." Swigging the wine now.

"So, are you ready for us to go to that next level?" He stared into my eyes. Do you how much intestinal fortitude it took for me not to say: I would not, could not, in a box. I could not, would not, with a fox? Instead, I threw a $20 on the table and bailed. Later I thought, that ish MUST have worked on some chick before, he was too confident. I cannot fathom how Dr. Seuss had ever closed the deal for a brother.

Okay, get up off the ground now. Yes my date was bad but NOT as bad as this sister's (From AP) :

FERNDALE, Mich. - Police in Michigan say a first date went from bad to worse when a Detroit man skipped out on the restaurant bill, then stole his date's car.

Police say 23-year-old Terrance Dejuan McCoy had dinner with a woman April 24 at Buffalo Wild Wings in the Detroit suburb of Ferndale. The woman says the two met a week earlier at a Detroit casino and she knew McCoy only as "Chris."

The woman told police that McCoy said he left his wallet in her car and asked for keys. He then sped away in the 2000 Chevrolet Impala.

The Daily Tribune of Royal Oak reports that police identified McCoy by a photo he'd sent to the woman's cell phone, and his phone number.

McCoy is charged with unlawfully taking the car, a five-year felony. He waived a preliminary exam and was bound over for trial Thursday.

I think getting jacked by your date trumps DJ Seuss. At least none of my dates have required police reports (so far). Comment as you will.


15 comments:

Max Reddick said...

So, why did you bail on a brother when it is obvious he was on a roll? Everyone has an off night every now and then.

And perhaps he kicked in with the Dr. Suess because he was simply trying to entertain you. He was being clever. Certainly I know he was not serious. You should have played alone.

SBChitownChick said...

LOL! Was he serious?

Bailey said...

Girl, where DO you find them?

LeonX said...

I take it then that you would not date him here or there. You would not date him anywhere?

SISTAH SPACE said...

Hillarious! This scene should be in a movie LOL!

DatDudeinCali said...

We are sadistic cuz that ish is mad funny. Imma try it though, who knows. Dr Seuss might be on pimp levels

Glen Antoine Palmer said...

Yes, where do you meet these brothers. Is it that bad out there? A brother hasn't been single in nearly 12 years LOL.

JaymeC said...

I had a date with a guy who said he only spoke the words of Tupac. @Glen - yes, it's that bad out there.

SpkTRUTH2Pwr said...

HAHAHA! You know though, I did used to quote Dr. Seuss in high school and college writing courses out of spite for always being forced to find parallels and themes amongst genres of litereature and groups of authors. So maybe he was mad you ordered lobster, so he decided to hit you with Green Eggs & Ham? Humor is one thing, if you didn't catch it, he should have moved on haha.

I am sorry I laughed at the second woman, but it was just too funny. You don't meet a dude that just tells you his first name in a casino and then one week later casually hand him your car keys. Sign number 2, if he is taking you to Buffalo Wild Wings, he must just see you as one of the "boys" lol.

Black Butterfly said...

OneChele...you are killing me. That was hilarious!

Reggie said...

Hey it could have been worse, he could have quoted a few lines from "Horton hears a ho".

Dating is like interviewing, one wrong word or phrase and it's over.

When I was in college I went out with a gorgeous sister who didn't believe in wasting soap and water. I am almost ashamed to say that I went out with her three times before common sense and self respect dictated that I not ask her out again. I'm not a prissy man, but I just couldn't bring myself to kiss her......or really even touch her. She smelled like sweaty wolf pussy with all of her clothes on.....God only knows what she smelled like naked. I couldn't lay a hand on her and when I didn't ask her out again she went around the yard telling folks I was obviously a pillow biter. Damn but I hate people.

BougieSis said...

OneChele - I'm getting depressed. Aren't there any positive stores out there when it all goes right? C'mon, share some of the upside too!

Lady4Christ said...

lol, lol, lol, rotf. Cuz, you are too too funny. Where do you meet these men? Was he really serious? Like seriously serious? Dr.Seuss is a lyricist? The poor girl at Buffalo Wild Wings is just a sad case of affairs.

@ BougieSis I have a happy story.My husband and I will celebrate five years of marriage on the Septemeber 25th. We met on AOL and chatted for years, he finally caught me single and asked me to come over. I had spoken to him on the phone a few time, exchanged pictures and felt like meeting him face to face (he wasn't my first AOL date, some of which I dread to even remember). When I got into the cab I thought to myself "if he is ugly I'm getting right back in this can and going home". Little did I know that if he thought I was ugly I was going to get the door slammed in my face, needless to say we both liked what we saw. From "Welcome" to "You've got mail" to "Good-bye" our love has just grown and grown. We have had some tumultous test and trials, gone through hell and high water but we are all the better for it. We met on August 8, 2003, and we wed Septemeber 25, 2004.Is that a happy story for you?

ast said...

Wow. I started reading your blog recently and am really enjoying your dating posts. This one had me LOL for real just now. "Frost was a poet, Seuss was a lyrical master! To understand Seuss is to understand me!" OMG...

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