Friday, July 31, 2009

Bougie Dating Tips

Disclaimer: I am not saying that Bougie Love is different from everybody else's love. I'm just saying I'm writing what I know about. Along those lines, I'm only discussing heterosexual dating since I'm unfamiliar with homosexual romance (NTTAWWT – not that there's anything wrong with that). Lastly, please recall – bouge knows no color, it's all love ya'll. M'kay? Lovely, let's get started.

Next week we will be working on The Definition of Bouge including the Sliding Scale of Bouge, a new game show called How Bougie Is This? and a series on WBPD – What Bougie People Do (that some people think we shouldn't). So in preface to that, one way to convert oneself to bouge-nificence is by marrying into it. To marry into it, you have to attract it and date it.

I was on a site the other day and all of these guys were telling the ladies to "stay in their lane" while the girls were saying things like, "He has to come with xyz to step to me!" All of that sounds good but truth be told if everyone believed that, no one would marry up. Bill Cosby was a moderately successful comedian from the Philly projects when he rolled up on Camille, a debutante from an upper middle class family. I'm a firm believer in "nothing ventured, nothing gained." So I decided to put together a few tips. Thank you to BougieFriends and BougieFam for pitching in.

First of all, you'll need to hang out where bougie people are (we'll cover next week) and you'll need to be comfortable (next week). Let's say you have accomplished that much. Now what?

Here are our tips below (clearly not comprehensive):

Want to attract a Bougie Male? Tips for the Ladies

Want to attract a Bougie Lady? Tips for the Fellas

Appearance

Ladies, damn the legend of the evolved male. Men may talk that "mind over matter" yakkity-yak but they all want someone drool-worthy on their arm. If you aren't as fine as you can be, fake it. Get your hair tight, your nails right, your face smiling and your outfit bangin'.

Ladies all like the tall, fit and fine. (read Denzel) But if you lack those attributes you should replace them with something substantive: sense of humor, general niceness, finance (sad but true), personality plus and of course, bring the sexy.

General Grooming Tips

Unless you work in a fish-packing plant or just got off the treadmill there's no reason to ever smell bad in public. I mean it ladies, there's no sexxxy in stank… none.

Gentlemen, I cannot stress the importance of lotion and nail clippers, okay? Also, when all else fails, overdress. No one hates on a nice jacket.

Tips from BougieFolks

BougieMom says a lady never leaves the house without her lipstick or earrings on - I have failed at this more often then I care to admit. Then again, I'm still single… my bad!

BougieMaleFriend is a firm believer of walking around like your shiggity has no odor nor would you care if it did. The world is yours.

Most requested by the opposite sex

Heels. The higher the better. (Le Sigh)

Button-fly jeans that fit. And you know what we mean by fit.

Attitude

Old School Alert! You catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. Be nice, friendly, and interested in what he has to say.

I know everyone hates the word "swagger" but fellas, get some. And use it. Also, Aretha sang a tune called R-E-S-P-E-C-T, find out what it means to us quickly.

Tips from BougieFolks

Intelligence goes a long way, a woman who can make great conversation is halfway home.

Ambition works. So does the flattery from your obvious single-minded determination to catch and keep us. Think on it. And yes, you must "speak well" too.

More Tips from BougieFolks

Dial back the snobberificness. Having taste and standards does not equal keeping your nose up in the stratosphere. Self-confidence good, excessive snobbery bad.

Dial back the arrogance. The rest of the world may think your shiggity don't stink, we know better. Self-confidence good, excessive arrogance bad.

Education

Have some or get some, the more the better.

Have some or get some, the more the better.

Finance

Double Standard Alert! A woman's brokeness can be evened out with fineness. (Stop me when I'm lyin'.) A man will overlook some of your financial nonsense if you are off the chains gorgeous. However, my sisters - sooner or later you will need to hold up your end somehow. Your skillz in the kitchen (as well as other rooms in the house) need to be on point if you are bringing no finances to the table.

The days of No Romance without Finance are well... still around for the most part; but if you can show an upwardly mobile plan (that does not involve unrealistic Hoops Dreams), that goes a long way. Women respect the hustle.

Behavior

Ya'll already knowin' how I feel about the promiscuity. Hold onto it girls, it's not going anywhere. Beyond that, be true to yourself. Pretending to be someone you're not is exhausting and always backfires.

A True Gentleman never goes out of style. Need I say more?

Tips from BougieFolks

Every time I went out, one BougieParent would say, "Act like a Lady," and the other would follow with, "Remember how we raised you!" Still in my head, ya'll.

From BougieMaleFriend: Get some culture about yourself fellas. Learn enough about wines to be able to order. Try the theatre instead of a movie. Musuems exist. Entertain a lady with more than your Xbox skill.

More Tips from BougieFolks

Learn the art of great conversation

Learn the art of listening

Most requested by the opposite sex

Apparently, the fellas wouldn't mind if we at least offered to pick up a tab every now and again. Also about the "cupcakes": do NOT be that girl who has rules about when you parcel it out. (Stop listening to Steve Harvey)

To continue this analogy: gents would like the cupcakes more often and without having to plead for dessert. Assume he always wants dessert.

Have a plan, return a phone call and state your intentions. About the "cupcakes": if we aren't giving them to you, there's a reason. If we are, just enjoy it. Why you always want speciality cupcakes (sprinkles and frosting and whatnot)?

To continue this analogy, if you are terrible at cake-baking, there will be no more dessert for you.

Pitfalls

Don't put your friends in the middle of your relationship.

Don't put your friends in the middle of your relationship.

Strategies Tried

The Boomerang

This is the person that keeps coming back even after they have been thrown away, it rarely works unless you have changed the reason you were tossed in the first place

This is the person that keeps coming back even after they have been thrown away, it rarely works unless you have changed the reason you were tossed in the first place

The Ally

Find out which of his boys he's closest to and impress the hell out of him

Find out which family member she's closest to and impress the hell out of them

The Hangaround

This is when a person just hangs around and hangs around as your "friend" and finally one day you say, "Okay, we'll give it a shot." It's been known to work but it's a risky (and time-consuming) strategy

Be sure the Hangaround doesn't turn stalkery

The Freebie

Hate this one. This is when you just give the person whatever they want, whenever they want to get them to stick around. It's a formula tthat can get you taken advantage of… quickly and repeatedly.

Works the same way with woman. It's still a formula that can get you taken advantage of… quickly and repeatedly.

The Dazzle

Similar to the Freebie: You make every day a holiday for your man. You make paella from scratch, take his Mama shopping, you clean his house, take his Armani to the Dry Cleaners, dress up like a French Maid every night. Exhausting but you just might catch him.

You are buying diamonds, running bathwater, taking her on trips to exotic white sandy beaches, filling her closet full of her favorite designer. Expensive but you just might catch her.

TRO (Restraining Order)-worthy

Don't GPS your man. And your impersonation of Saran wrap is why your last man left. Stop clinging. Stalking isn't bougie.

Yes, 25 calls in a day is 23 too many. Cyberstalking is now a crime.

The Keith Sweatt of it all

Whining and begging only works in R&B songs, sometimes not even then.

Whining and begging is even less attractive for men, Keith has the market cornered.

TV as metaphors

If you are playing Jeopardy! you need to know just enough about each category to survive to Final Jeopardy. If BougieMan loves re-runs of HBO's The Wire, you need to get up to speed on Stringer Bell's death, the rise of Marlo and why no one wants to run into Snoop in a dark alley. What I'm saying is - knowing a little bit about everything your man loves puts you way ahead of the game.

Every now and then, you're going to have to sit through a Sex and the City marathon without complaint. You'll have to turn off Still Fast & Still Furious and cede control of the remote. In other words, if you give a little, you'll get a lot.

Clichés to remember

Anything worth doing, is worth doing well

All that glitters isn't gold

Final Tip

That which brings man and woman (bougie or not) together remains a mystery. So these "tips" are chock full of entertainment value only

Okay, audience participation time. Feel free to agree or disagree with this non-scientific list. What's the best dating tip you have received or heard? What the worst?

6 comments:

JaymeC said...

Why did my SO JUST say last night that I needed to get up on "The Wire" and "True Blood" - do you think he's going to catch up on the back episodes of Grey's Anatomy? Ha! Enjoyed it.

BlkDixieChick said...

All about that Dazzle Strategy you mentioned, who can we get to do that?

uglyblackjohn said...

IMO - Looks can get a partner but personality keeps them.
I've dated some baad women who were dumb as rocks (a waste of time).
But the one's I liked best were the better than average looking women with great personalities.

I like women who I find interesting or who can do something that I can't.

Your recommendation to "offer" to pay is a key test.
I never let a woman pay - but if she fails to at least offer to pay within the first two weeks, she's out.

Oli said...

LMAO
Noting all this down...

ChellBellz said...

man...LOL

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